Quick Reviews: The Asylum's Hercules Reborn

After Disney and MGM had their shot, it is only fair that The Asylum does too...

In a Cold Open, a mad Hercules kills his family (mostly off-screen).

Well, at least I know which Hercules Film they're copying.  The fact that another Wrestler is here as the Lead too...

This evil General guy wants to be more militaristic, while the King wants peace.

It is yet again that mention the odd Filmography of Dylan Vox.  Asylum Films, Softcore Gay Porn and Family Films.  More power to him...but still odd.  Although Showgirls 2...

He decides to rebel, overthrowing the City with all 20 of his men (and the other 100 that are CG).

He has a thing for the Princess, who is already with our non-God Hero.  Casual Rape- more Films need that!

The Heroes in hiding find someone to help them: Hercules.  Don't worry- he's still super-strong and fit after 10 years of not fighting and binge drinking.

Can our Heroes (who dress more Roman than Greek) save the day?  To find out, watch the Film.

Needed more Space Bear.  In all seriousness, this one is almost too morose and serious.  The Film features death, torture, the murder of a child (or two), implied rape and captivity.  Yeah, I'm sure Vox would totally do that to her!  I'm not against a Film being dark, but they may have overdone it a little.  I say that for a number of reasons, but mostly because the Film's budgetary limitations make it kind of funny at times.  Greece- known for its Deserts!  Thrill at some of the group Scenes where a couple Soldiers have different Helmets for no reason (other than a shortage of Helmets).  Enjoy John Hennigan (aka Johnny Nitro/John Morrison/Johnny Mundo) doing his 'I'm angry' voice in an attempt to be taken seriously.  That's always been a problem for him, as shown by the fact that The Miz did most of the talking when they were together.  Bless him for trying...but no.  The Film does a decent job at having people do the fighting most of the time, but Hennigan works in random spins.  Thanks for that.  The Story is pretty basic, the Budget is pretty small and the Acting is...mostly not great.  Hercules Reborn is a so-so Film that doesn't really do much other than try to shock you.  On the plus side, this is the first Film where Hercules does a Standing Shoot Star Press...

An odd mix of self-serious, dark and kind of silly.  The latter is not intentional, but totally there!

Instant Fun: The Medusa Against The Son of Hercules

Are you ready for a really misleading description?  Good.  Today's film is The Medusa Against The Son of Hercules, one of many in a series.  Which Son of Hercules?  Why Perseus, that's who.  I know what you're thinking- they never even met, let alone were related.  Well, are you ready to find out the truth?  Basically, someone bought up a bunch of Sword and Sandal Films- some with Hercules, Ulysses and the like- and lumped them together as The Sons of Hercules.  My friends and I first came across this phenomenon thanks to Rifftrax and their hilarious riffing of The Sons of Hercules: Land of Darkness (well worth your $9.99).  There are 14 of these things, so I may get to more of these in the future.  With nothing to do one night, Bob and I checked this out on Streaming.  It is crap.  It is funny crap though.  The film tells the story of Perseus, some evil guy, a dragon that never fully exits a lake and the titular Medusa.  It is stretched quite a bit to fill 90 minutes and just plain silly on multiple occasions.  After a long delay, I remember it fondly still.  To find out if you will feel the same, read on...

If you didn't know that this was a 'TV Series' made up of multiple films, this would REALLY freak you out.  How many Writers do you need?!?!?

The Story begins properly by explaining to you that this is about Perseus, who is a 'Son of Hercules' since the guy liked him.  No, really.

Basically, there are two forces.  They keep fighting in this rocky area.  As it turns out, this is a bad idea since there is a Medusa nearby and the world's laziest Dragon.  Much like 'Zombie Dad' from Amityville Dollhouse, it seems cool until you realize the limitation- in this case, it is not ever exposing more than half of the creature.

Apparently this is the ONLY way to travel for the good guys, which seems implausible and contrived.  Who'd live there?

Perseus (Richard Harrison) finally plays a role: he's a guy who wants to avenge his father's death, while also not wanting to fight.

He is also secretly-training the Princess (it's a secret to him that she's a Princess, that is).  He's kind of dull.

He ends up working for the King as a Guard...and immediately quits.  He's kind of a puss.

Despite winning a fight earlier and getting a job, he quits...only to return to save the Princess.  It's Damsel in Distress Syndrome, folks!

This guy is evil.  He wants to marry the Princess.  That is the only thing you need to know.

Perseus is the hero, so he naturally takes out both creatures.  Both events are a bit underwhelming.

He kills the Dragon by...swimming near it and re-emerging.  He kills the Medusa by looking away with a shield and swinging his Sword.  Lame.

With the Medusa dead, Perseus has a new Army.  I'm sure that these people who just got un-stoned will be great fighters and have all of their weapons!

Of course, Perseus wins.  He kills the villain, who makes this lovely face before going to see Hades & the day is saved.  The End.

This is cheesier than Parmesan!  Viewed as its own film- Perseus the Invincible-, it is straight-forward with some cheesy moments.  Viewed as a Son of Hercules film and it takes on an extra-cheesy nature.  He's obviously not related to the famous Demi-God, so you're confused right from the gate.  It puts you in the frame of mind that makes every goofy moment- like the world's laziest dragon- just seem extra ridiculous.  There are certainly moments that could really work- like the dragon's detailed design-, so it is not without worth.  The glimpses of a good movie make it worth giving a shot, while its cheesy moments will make you laugh.  There are certainly structural problems.  For example, Perseus is a very hard to follow hero.  He wants revenge, but doesn't rush off to get it.  He loses to a guy, then barely wins the next time...but they just act like he is a great hero now.  Right...okay.  I will say that there is a line where a hero can be reluctant, but still make him seem driven.  It doesn't really work here, as Perseus constantly seems to fight against the plot itself!  In summary, this is a sub-par movie made fun and cheesy...albeit by accident.  If you like to do your own Rifftrax/MST3K-style riffing, you will get a kick out of this.  I will leave you with one Actor's total fail at being an Archer (which they didn't bother Editing out)...

Next up, I'm either doing an Arty Import or a Full Moon Film.  Since they couldn't be any more different, you can enjoy the suspense.  Stay tuned...

4th Anniversary Review: 1313- Hercules Unbound

The first question is obvious- why are you doing this?  Why would I possibly review a 1313 movie, let alone of my own free will.  Well, it's a complicated answer.  For one, my goal is always to find something that I wouldn't think of doing.  Case in point: I have a Bollywood Sci-Fi film arriving today.  Why not?  Second, the goal is also to show that I can handle everything.  After years of shit movies like Hobgoblins 2, Ghoulies IV and Amityville 8, I've established a reputation of shying away from nothing.  However, the 1313 films have been infesting Netflix for a couple of years and I've always avoided them.  Another thing to note is that 1313 films have been all over Project Terrible, just not by me.  That's not counting their predecessors like other David DeCoteau films- poor Maynard.  So, before anyone has considered punishing me with my own weapon, I'm doing it myself.  I'm just twisted that way, I guess.  So what is 1313: Hercules Unbound! about?  It's about shirtless guys posing, pretending to sword fight and more posing with the loosest of loose plots.  To give you an idea of how shallow this film, it clocks in at 70 minutes- with Credits!  It's really the worst Hercules film ever- shock of all shocks.  That leads me to the final reason that I picked the film (and why I picked it over 1313: Black Widow): Lou Ferrigno.  He's not in this piece of shit (obviously!), but his son is.  Yes, Lou Ferrigno Jr aka Louis Ferrigno is here.  He's not playing Hercules like his dad did in two epically-awesome '80's films though.  More on him later.  To see how nobody can torture you like you, read on...

You want to make the film tolerable (without Fast Forward)?  Take a shot every time they throw up this static picture accompanied by over-dramatic music.  You can trade it out with the other shot of RUINS of Greece or...

 ...the freaking sky!  This sky pulls triple-duty, however, as it is a filler segue shot, the shot used for when Zeus talks (just this- no other effect) and when Hera (sounding more doped up than Carey Fisher) talks.

Half of the time, this is just a segue shot, which confused the hell out of me.  I kept waiting for Zeus or Hera to dump exposition...but nothing happened.  Ugh.

The so-called plot involves Hercules going to a training camp and being a complete dick.  Aphrodite- aka the only chick in this film- is assigned to protect him...so she sends him to a training camp full of people, one of whom poisons him.

"Quick- I need to hide you from the assassins.  Let's go to Ford's Theater!"

So yeah, I watched this movie, but fast-forwarded through all of the scenes that were just the guys posing and/or running.  This is just a glimpse of what I glossed over.  Enjoy, some people in my audience.

Weird aside: this guy does Capoeira moves in his routine?  Looks neat, but YOU ARE FROM ANCIENT GREECE!  Douche.

So, get this, Aphrodite is charged with protecting Hercules (or Heracles if you know shit about history).  To that end, she makes a potion to make him less conceited (no, really).  This is immediately dosed with poison by a villain.

You were born from the sea foam created by Uranus' severed balls..of fail.

 Hercules is poisoned by a toxin that makes him lose his strength.  It won't kill him...apparently.  He learns about humility and decides to fight the villain- who has University of Texas tattoos- to the death.

After the world's worst sword fight- seriously!-, the villain dies and all is well.  Hera just kind of gives up, since she ran out of Xanax.

Wait- this is only 59 minutes.  We need to hit 70 minutes somehow!  

 Quick- more posing!  That will fill out the run-time.  Hurray!  The End.

So that was...not a movie.  Yeah, this doesn't really qualify for a number of reasons.  For all the jokes that we on the Internet make about Twilight constantly ripping off Taylor Lautner's shirt to appeal to 'the ladies,' they don't waste five minutes with him and the other Werewolves posing.  As I type that, I actually wonder why that didn't happen.  Regardless, it does happen in this film.  Actually, it would be more accurate to say that 'a little story happens during this posing' instead.  Seriously, I fast-forwarded through all of the posing footage- I'm not that crazy- and basically watched a 25-minute 'film.'  If you take out the padding shots of the RUINS of Greece, it's a bit less still.  Seriously, why so shots of RUINS of Greece in a film that's totally set there.  By 'set there,' I mean 'shot at the same L.A. Beach House that every 1313 film is shot at,' of course.  They really don't do much to disguise this either, as they show a Palm Tree wrapped in Christmas lights (see below) in a number of shots.  I guess DeCoteau and the D.P. were just too distracted by man-abs to actually check for continuity.  You want to know what the worst part is?  I watched this due to Lou Ferrigno Jr. being in it?  Who does he play?  THE VOICE OF ZEUS!  So yeah, I kind of screwed myself here.  If this review taught you anything, it's that I make very poor life choices.  Hurray?

Next up, a film that missed the cut back in Old vs. New Week.  It's the end of the World as we know it...so a bunch of teenagers have sex.  Stay tuned...

70s Trash- Hercules in New York

You can sometimes set your expectations properly just by reading a movie title. You get a movie called Frankenhooker (which I will when it is back in print) and know what to expect. In a similar way, this movie tells you everything you need to know. The bulk of the plot is solely built around the idea of the mythical Greek- or Roman here- character walking around the big city. In case you don't know, this movie is also the debut film of one Arnold Schwarzenegger. There were a couple issues at the time with casting him though. First off, that last name had to go. Good-bye Schwarzenegger, hell Strong. Secondly, that voice was way too hard to understands, so hello voice-dubbing...but only for him. Just to add to the weirdness, his co-star is a nebbish character actor named Arnold Stang- his actual name, mind you. As much as I want to stall, I can't put off my review of...

Hercules in New York

The story begins on Mount Olympus...in spite of the film being too cheap to give us an establishing shot of it...with Zeus having to deal with his half-God son. Basically, the guy is bored in Central Park...er, Mount Olympus and wants to go to Earth. The dad says 'no,' so Hercules...asks him 600 more times. Finally, dad gets so mad that he throws a bent piece of tin-foil...er, a lightning bolt at his son. No effect later and Hercules is seen falling alongside a plane window. To review- Hercules makes his dad mad by demanding to be allowed to go to Earth, so his dad blasts him to Earth. Our hero is picked up by a cargo ship and taken aboard. Being a mindless sack of meat, he proceeds to tell everyone that he is Hercules and should be in charge of everything due to his genetic background. He fits in really well. This only works because our sailor are so poorly-written that they just assume he is a Greek man, in spite of his thick Austrian accent. Plus, no Greek person I've ever met as ever looked that Aryan. Anyhow, he acts like a jerk to everyone. This is going to be a long film, isn't it?

*

Back on the shore, he picks a fight with the crew again and is pulled to safety by a small, Jewish man who sells pretzels. After a wacky bit with a cab driver picking a fight with the man who is a giant, knotted muscle, our jerk of a hero is given a tour of the city. They walk by a park and Hercules laughs at people training for Olympic sports like the discus. He decides to show them up, proving that he is not exactly a nice guy. Incidentally, I watched the 'un-dubbed' version, so I had to deal with Arnold's mumbled delivery, making this even more fun. A coach and his daughter scout him, although the idea of him being an Olympian vanishes faster than a bottle of HGH around this day's Arnold. After beating up her boyfriend twice, the woman falls for Hercules, based solely on his looks. Why is the bad Jewish stereotype the most reasonable character here? The first date with Hercules ends with the strongman battling an escaped bear- which runs on two legs for no reason. In case you had not guessed, this is a man in a suit that would look more fitting in a Conan O'Brien skit from 1998. All the while, the other Gods are watching Herc via a crystal ball. Thanks for grounding me, stupid cliches.

*

Back in Park Olympus, Zeus decides to pressure Hercules to come back. Mercury is sent down, but can't convince our steroid-ridden hero. Angry, the King of the Gods sends Nemesis down to take Hercules to Hades for 100 years. She is stopped by Hera, however, who makes her steal the man's strength. Around this time, Hades makes a big bet on a weight-lifting challenge between Hercules and a black strongman. Ah the 1970s, where variety shows could get away with featuring weight-lifting challenges. Bereft of his powers, Hercules fails to dead-lift a 1,000 lb bar, although the other guy does! That is still the most logical part of the film. Since the gangsters lost money by betting on Hercules, they chase him in broad daylight to kill him! This gives us the movie's signature chase scene involving two cars, a chariot driven by Herc, a man dressed like Tarzan and a hot dog vendor with a hand-full of sauerkraut. Wow, did I just write that? It all culminates in a badly-choreographed fight scene, which turns against our hero. Fortunately, Mercury turns the tide by sending in some back-up: Atlas and Samson. Wait, did I just say 'Samson?' Yeah, they went there. Our hero decides to return to Olympus and leaves everyone behind. The film ends with Zeus making the trip himself. The End.

*

Yeah, it's no wonder that Arnold tries to downplay this film. It's bad, mostly in an un-amusing way. Don't get me wrong- there are some laughs to be had. However, a good majority of them are built around Arnold delivering lines, so they're a bit hard to distinguish. To the DVD's credit, you can watch the movie in the original form, with Arnold dubbed in English, in French, German or Spanish. However, this movie is still a really badly-done comedy full of bad actors. Arnold looks the part of the muscular hero, but has an easier time passing a budget in California than attempting to act in this movie. He spends most of the movie being a jerk, which is supposed to be alleviated by one speech at the end. Why does he have so many friends? On top of that, the 'fights' are about as well-choreographed as your local backyard wrestling show full of stroke victims! That said, I don't regret watching this movie. It's a big pile of fluff that does not aim high. That's good, because they don't even get close to that.

*

Up next, a b-movie that combines beatniks, Nazis and Gilligan's Island. Stay tuned...