Billy Crap: The Master Gunfighter

You really ran out of ideas, didn't you?  Today's film The Master Gunfighter, a title so generic that it needs an explanation.  Enjoy this long explanation, fans of information.  For the rest of you, you can skip the next few sentences.  Tom Laughlin is an idea man.  He managed to bide his time and finally got his pet project- Billy Jack- made.  It was a surprise hit in the early days of wide releases, as was its follow-up:  The Trial of Billy Jack.  The next *official* follow-up was Billy Jack Goes to Washington, which was a big, bloated disaster.  While the previous films were cheap, but big money makers, this film cost a lot (for the time) and didn't make much cash.  Part of the problem: they spent an estimated $750,000 building a copycat of the Senate Floor (since they were denied the right to shoot at the real one).  Before that film, he made today's film.  It's ostensibly a Western, but it's still very much a Laughlin film.  How so?  Well, it was Produced by his Production Company and Directed by his son!  I should note that the film wasn't Written by Laughlin, but it sure feels like it.  You'll see what I mean.  The film is about the titular Gunfighter battling the odds and trying to help- you guessed it- the Indians.  To see how far I made it, read on...

The film begins with the longest narration that I have ever seen.  Star Wars' famous intro- short by comparison.  Oh and it's ponderous Writing makes me *not* want to hear Burgess Meredith's voice.  What have you done to me?

In summary, the Christians used Indians as slaves and everyone fought over gold.  Are you still sure that Laughlin didn't write this?

Oh and Meredith says that the film is 'Part Reality, Part Fiction and Part Fantasy.'  Yeah.

This Indian lady finally comes home to her Village, only to find many of them dead and the rest vanished.  The film manages to make this whole Plot Point seem silly in a minute.

Incidentally, is it Racist to comment that the placement of her mole makes me sometimes question what kind of Indian she is?  Maybe a little.  Good thing I didn't say that then.

Laughlin and his...beard, I guess, are the film's hero.  He worked with the gang that attacked the Village, but didn't take part.  Nuance- what's that?  He leaves the Gang, but doesn't actually help any of the Indians.

However, all of the blame gets thrown on him and the film jumps ahead...3 Years.  The life expectancy was about 28 back then- that's a big jump!

Laughlin decides to hide from everyone as...The Master Gunfighter.  That's hiding, huh?  Why not wear a glowing sign with your name on it?

Naturally, some men track him down and interrupt his show...which is mostly him showing off his sword skills.  Why, you ask?

Well, this film is actually a Remake of Goyokin, a Samurai film.  That explains why the last part I watched had a bunch of Cowboys sword-fighting!  Tom, if you wanted to make a Western, make one.  If you wanted to make a Samurai film, well, make that.  Pick one!

Did I stop watching after this because of apathy or because the film went off of Streaming?  Yes.  The End.

It's...not an easy one.  I wouldn't qualify this as one of the worst films that I have had to endure by any means.  The biggest problem is the opening Narration.  Seriously, you guys ruined Burgess Meredith for me.  I have to watch my Blu-Ray of Batman: The Movie just to cleanse my palette now!  This movie is just so full of itself that it's annoying.  I know- Tom Laughlin full of himself, big surprise!  That Narration is more pretentious than a College Lecture on the Origin of Man delivered by a French Professor smoking a long cigarette!  This is a Western!  You can make nuanced stories in them, but you don't have to be so dense about it.  The Master Gunfighter is an arty Remake that wants you to go in expecting a normal Western and then 'stay for the life-changing message.'  I didn't.  I'm pretty sure that most people didn't.  It's still better than Billy Jack Goes to Washington.  At least I had to LOOK UP that it was a Remake.  Take us away, favor for your wife...

Let's clear the air with some Horror.  To help finish off my Horror Set, I'll go back to Slaughter High.  Stay tuned...

Mondo Bizarro Special: 6 Films that *Almost* Were

Did you ever have regrets about things that you didn't do?  Of course you do.  Well, Hollywood has them to, so let's take a look at them...

1. Commando 2- Was anyone demanding this?  I mean, besides some money-hungry Studio Executive.  Regardless, it got to the Script stage.  They found a 1979 Novel called 'Nothing Lasts Forever' and worked on tweaking it to fit.

Said book is a Sequel to 'The Detective,' which was also a movie starring Frank Sinatra.  Can you imagine- Frank Sinatra and Arnold Schwarzenegger playing the same character?!?

The film never got past the script stage, but it was re-worked and turned into something more iconic...
(This is still debated, but...I mean, it adds up)

2. Grizzly II: The Predator- One of the most famous 'films that almost was.'  The sequel to William Girdler's monster film had a bunch of future stars in it, including George Clooney and Charlie Sheen.  

The film had the titular Bear attacking a concert full of teenagers.

Sadly, the film's funding dropped out and we're only left with a work print version.  You get all of the stars, but almost none of the monster effects.  

Note to self: shoot Monster first.  You can always recast if shit goes down.

3. Sleepaway Camp IV: The Survivor (plus the other ones)- Another case of 'let's just shoot shit and hope it works out.'  

A brand-new film in the series got partially shot before, you guessed it, the money dropped out.

That didn't stop one from releasing the completed footage and toss in a pile of Stock Footage from the previous films to make it reach 90 minutes.  

Any of the 50 of you that bought the Special Edition Series Set that Best Buy used to carry got the footage.  As for the rest of us, we get this piece of shit.

Speaking of Sleepaway Camp, the Director of the original film (Robert Hiltzik) and the Director of Parts II/III (Michael A. Simpson) have both teased making their own sequel.  

We may get SEPARATE Sleepaway Camp V/VI?  Dear Lord!

(UPDATE- Neither got made)

***

4. Jaws 3- People 0- I really wish that this one happened.  Pitched as a Satire of the quickly fading Jaws film by the folks behind National Lampoon, this one could have been interesting.

Naturally, Universal (which sued to block the U.S. Release of Great White) was having none of it and said, 'Let's just make a film set in Sea World.'  

Joy.

5. The Return of Billy Jack- Ah, the reason for this list in the first place.  Tom Laughlin had some major ups and downs in his career.  It went up when he got The Born Losers and Billy Jack.  It continued to rise with The Trial of Billy Jack, which was the first film released wide in its opening Weekend.  

Many people attribute that to Jaws, but no such deal.  

It went down quickly when Billy Jack Goes to Washington saw its release delayed and it proved to be a big money loser.  

About ten years later, he tried for one more go- The Return of Billy Jack.

Unfortunately for him, Laughlin was hurt during the filming of the film in 1986.  Things fell apart after that and his final film appearance would prove to be in the 1981 Lone Ranger film.  

He promised/threatened to make the film again in the last 25+ years, but nothing came of it.  Time didn't wait for his deadlines and ultimately he didn't have another Action Film in him.  

UPDATE: Mr. Laughlin passed away in December of 2013, so it will definitely not happen now!

6. Maniac II: Mr. Robbie- Yeah, I'm stealing one from you, Maynard.  After the shocking film Maniac, a sequel was in the works.  

The folks behind the classic tried to adapt a film called The Psychopath with their guy in the lead.  Sounds great.

You guessed it- the money fell through.  

Things went from bad to, well, the worst they could get when Joe Spinell died.  

A rough cut of their footage survives (and has been reviewed by some) and is apparently quite good.  It would take over twenty-years for us to get a real follow-up film...

So those are 6 films that were *nearly* films.  Did you favorite almost-films make the list?  Let me know either way.

Billy Crap: Billy Jack Goes to Washington

It's about time we wrap this up, don't you think?  After compromising to make The Born Losers, finally getting his opus Billy Jack made and producing a big hit in The Trial of Billy Jack, power clearly went to Tom Laughlin's head.  Yes, this is in contrast to making a three-hour film in which he basically stands on a soapbox and shouts at Richard Nixon.  Why do I say that this one is full of hubris?  Well, for starters, the film is basically a remake of Mr. Smith Goes to Washington.  You waited 20 years to get your own script made and decided to close out your series with a shoddily-made remake?  Wow.  Secondly, Tom, his wife Dolores Taylor and his daughter (in a minor role) get above-the-title billing!  So what resulted from all of this?  The movie was not released in most theaters.  That's right.  After making a movie that- despite being terrible- played nationwide and grossed $31 million dollars (not adjusted for inflation).  That's just behind films like Young Frankenstein and Blazing Saddles.  This also spells the end of Laughlin's major film career, unless he ever gets that new Billy Jack film made.  Let's just get to it, huh?  Get out your domino-style collection of mirrors for my review of...

Before the titles roll, we get a long narration explaining that this film is all about the building of a nuclear power plant.  The appropriations bill was hidden in another bill and the meetings kept secret.  That's so fictitious that...it pretty much happened in the early days of George W. Bush's presidency with his Energy Task Force.  After a cameo by reporter Joe Klein as, well, a reporter, one of the Senators behind the Bill dies, leading to the appointment of a new guy.  They pick Billy Jack, figuring that his appointment will do their party good in the long run and that he will never win a real election.  After some pointless bits in the desert (just to keep the flavor, I guess), he arrives and plays ball...for a while.  Eventually, he proposes his own bill to build a school (how many Indian Schools do we need?) that happens to be on the same land.  In a silly sub-plot, a super-secret memo about the plant bill was taken by an aid when the first Senator died, he tries to sell it and gets killed.  It amounts to nothing in the long run, since the man's girlfriend returns in time for the finale anyhow.  Using his time-manipulation powers, Jack talks to every Senator and gets their voting records in a week!  Even back then there were over 500 of them!  I'd say that this is silly, but I've already seen Billy Jack be appointed to the Senate.

Oh yeah, right around the hour mark, they throw in a fight scene.  I hope you like it, because it's all you get!  Tom's wife gets to get in on the action.  Well, it's actually an obvious stunt double, but it's the thought that counts.  Next time, get a lady with the right hair color, Tom!

After that nonsense, Jack tries to talk about the bill's issues on the Senate floor before his mentor/buddy turns on him.  The bad guys fake evidence of a crime committed by Jack and try to get him kicked out of the Senate.  Thankfully, the gallery is there to explain the events to us.  Jack makes one last stand, taking the Senate floor and controlling by way of constantly-objecting.  My hero!  The press catch wind of this and the other leads push to help him.  He speaks on the floor for some undisclosed amount of time before the Senators who previously walked out on him return with a bunch of letters from Americans.  When confronted with this 'evidence' about how people don't agree with him, Jack suddenly gets his 600th wind and gives one more speech before passing out.  The Senators finally vote on whether to kick him out, but that stops when his former best friend/mentor has a sudden Face Turn and says 'no.'  So, despite being convicted by the Senate and only one person saying 'no,' Jack has now won?  How does that...aw, who the hell cares?!?

This movie sucks- not that I need to tell you that.  This movie is essentially a remake of a classic Frank Capra film.  Yeah, that's the problem.  That movie is great, while this movie is terrible.  Jimmy Stewart was a great actor, while Laughlin was basically bi-polar here.  Never mind that he only seems to possess two outfits in this movie- his denim outfit and a brown suit.  Given how he was there for about three months, wouldn't those clothes stink by now?  Speaking of stinking, this movie did terrible in its limited release.  Not only that, but it was a money pit.  This almost-all-talk film cost $7 million to make.  A good chunk of this came from Laughlin spending $750,000 to make the Senate Floor set, since the real people said 'no.'  Not surprisingly, since this movie paints them in a terrible light.  The question is this: is this one of the worst movies ever made?  For me, no.  Don't get me wrong- it's utter shit.  However, I found The Trial of Billy Jack to be far worse.  Not only that, but it's so cheesy and forgettable that it doesn't rank up there with films like Blood Freak or Wild Zero.  I'll move on, which is just what America did after this film.  If you ever make that new Billy Jack film, Tom, you can count me out!

Next up, we begin October with a pair of obscure horror films with a curious gimmick.  I'll give you a hint- it involves bush.  Stay tuned...
  

Billy Crap: The Trial of Billy Jack

Oh boy, this one is a doozy!  This film is the magnum opus of Tom Laughlin's film career, which basically lasted between 1967 and the mid-70s.  He tried to make films since, but nothing ever really panned out.  I'll get to that in the next review though.  The first important thing to note is that this movie is nearly three hours long!  That's right- three hours!  One good thing to note is that this is *technically* the first 'blockbuster film.'  You see, rather than distributing the film city-by-city over a prolonged period of time, the film was released nationwide and press interviews were given on local media outlets to support it.  Sound familiar?  Unfortunately, that historical landmark belongs to this film.  Get out your unnamed Hapkido expert for my review of...

The film begins with shots of the desert and a narrator talking about recent school shootings like the one in Kent University.  In context of the film's release, I have to say this- too soon!  The narrative follows the school's headmaster (also Laughlin's wife) in the hospital talking about the school being shot up.  This leads into the longest 'here's what happened' tale that I'm aware of.  The titular event of the film takes place, which includes flashbacks of it's own.  Remember that Simpsons episode where they jokingly had a flashback in a flashback?  Well, this film actually does this!  Jack explains that his unit was ordered to kill civilians in Vietnam and, afterwards, the man who made the order was turned into a national hero.  Yes, this major event was so famous that he has to explain it in detail to us.  Bonus points for throwing in a couple shots at Nixon though.  Right at the twenty-minute mark, the actual trial ends and Jack goes to jail for five years.  The trial ends 1/9 of the way through the film?  Ugh.  During his stay in jail, we get to hear all about the school.  Sigh.  I really wish that they would make this brief, but it takes a good ten minutes.  Basically, they expand into a new building, talk about politics and just generally stick their noses in everything.

If I was really going to do a thorough review, I'd need about four more paragraphs.  Instead, I'm going to summarize this 173 minute film...
* The local authorities (led by the brother of the Sheriff from the last film) harass the school and it's students.
* Serious crimes- including assault, arson and a bombing- occur and are quickly passed over.
* Billy Jack goes through a pretentious ritual to discover his inner spirit and learn peace.  Oh yeah, he also slaps Jesus too.
* Following this, he gets in a fight, tells people not to fight and gets in another fight.  During the second one, he randomly gets a fellow Hapkido expert to help him.
* After the fight, Jack kills the villain via Dragon Kick to the throat, but surrenders himself to authorities.  However...
* It's actually a trick to kill him, leading to the military shooting up the school- thus setting up the beginning.

This movie sucks...but I'm not surprised at this point.  The film is even longer than the previous two films.  Hell, it's close to the combined length of the previous two films!  So what does Tom do with this massive increase in time?  More of the same, that's what!  Seriously, other than changing certain details, so much of this movie is the same old shit you saw last time.  People hate the school, but it's in a different location now.  Jack fights bullies, but in different locations.  The things they do add are completely ridiculous too.  The whole spiritual ceremony is a complete farce, done in such a silly manner that it just feels phony.  I mean, Billy Jack talks to himself, meets up with Jesus and learns how to control his rage?  Are you serious?  Never mind that this goes against the message that the entire series has built up so far.  Billy Jack has solved every problem with a gun and that doesn't change here.  So why the talk about peace and non-violence?  On the plus side, the action is better here.  Then again, the big action scene takes place at the two-hour mark, a point at which most films have already ended!  I can't recommend this as more than a curiosity piece.  If you've got three hours to kill with a confusing morality play, enjoy.

Next up, we wrap up the Billy Jack series with a film that's basically a remake of a Jimmy Stewart film.  So much for creativity and passion, huh Tom?  Stay tuned...
  

Billy Crap: Billy Jack

Alright, let's not waste any time here.  After over a decade, Tom Laughlin got a drive-in hit with The Born Losers.  That gave him the pull he needed to get his magnum opus made.  This movie is famous for its preachy nature and silly plot.  There's no question about that.  The real question is whether or not this film holds up after all these years.  Can it live up to the hype?  Get out your scoop full of flour for my review of...

The film begins with a sappy song played over footage of the desert.  Is this a film or a Ford Truck commercial?  After some long credits (in the beginning, oddly enough), we see a group of people chasing wild horses in a truck.  They try to get them to a ranch, but end up being confronted by Billy Jack.  He stands his ground, since the horses are on Indian land and the ranchers are not Indians, and forces them to leave.  Yet again, Jack solves all of his problems with a gun.  The narrative changes to the nearby town's sheriff and his daughter, a slutty girl with an attitude.  When she says that she's pregnant and gives him 'sass,' he beats her up.  She ends up in the hospital and, for no good reason, ends up in Billy Jack's care.  See what I meant in the last review about this plot thread showing up again?  The plot decides to go on a major side road and focuses on the school that is run on the Indian Reservation.  This is some serious hippie shit and takes up a good twenty minutes or so.  All you need to know is that the girl finds a new home there and her father has no idea where she is.  That's pretty much it.

A group of students go into town, leading to the film's most famous segment.  When one of them rejects the advances of an Eric Bana-looking guy (also the Deputy's son), he harasses the group in an ice cream parlor (this was made in the 1970s?) when the owner refuses to serve the Indian.  After a short fight, Billy Jack shows up and beats up the teenagers.  I should note that Laughlin was 40 when he shot this scene.  He goes outside and gets in a fight with a bunch of townspeople.  If you've seen Jesus Christ: Vampire Hunter, this will look familiar.  By the way, if you've seen Jesus Christ: Vampire Hunter, you're a freak like me.  Despite showing off his Hapkido skills, Jack is beaten up and saved by the one non-corrupt lawman in the town.  Following that, Jack disappears to take part in some sort of Indian ceremony.  They explain it- ad nauseum, I might add- but I'll leave the explanation out of here.  We see the kid from the earlier town scene staring down Billy Jack with a sniper rifle, but he does nothing.  So the point of that was what exactly?  Jack eventually get some retribution by trapping the kid by a lake and forcing him to drive his dad's car into the water.  That's going to solve all your problems for sure!

Unfortunately, I was wrong.  The school has issues with a local judge, leading to a really-extended court scene that goes nowhere.  When the sheriff learns that his daughter is at the school and being romanced by an Indian, he gets a little pissed.  The kid gets revenge on the school by catching the school's caretaker out swimming and raping her.  By the way, she's played by Laughlin's wife.  That's only slightly less creepy than Argento's work in The Stendhaal Syndrome.  All hell breaks loose from hereon out.  The kid eventually ends up killing the Indian boy, who, in turn, gets shot by Billy Jack.  Somewhere during all of this, the daughter falls off of a horse and miscarriages.  This is odd, since the plot requires her to be out trick-riding while pregnant!  You couldn't have had a villain cause this, Tom?  A shoot-out occurs at the school, leading to the death of the Sheriff.  Way to make that a random incident and seem unimportant, guys!  Jack and the girl hole out for a while, refusing to surrender.  Eventually, Jack gives the people a list of demands- which they agree to- and gives himself up.  Considering his body count, that was surprisingly-easy.  One pretentious exit ceremony- complete with a silly helicopter shot- and this movie is over.

This movie sucks, but for all the reasons that it should.  Unlike The Born Losers, there is no pretense of trying to make this fit in to a movie norm.  No, this movie is all about the message.  That message: hippies are smarter than everyone & the law is just out to get you.  Seriously, this is movie is how every Republican sees Democrats.  There's no middle ground here.  You're either a corrupt lawman or you're a hippie that understands your connection to nature.  The school scenes are horrendously-dated and represent a really idealized view of society.  There were maybe ten people that were actually like this (counting Laughlin and his wife) at the time!  On top of that, the film is self-indulgent to the point of excess.  I didn't even mention the three songs sung by a little girl, who just so happens to be Tom's daughter.  I'm sorry, but this movie is a painful experience.  It's what happens when people make 'their vision' with no oversight from a third party.  Someone like that will tell you 'no, this is silly' or 'you could really cut that.'  Like a good number of Tim Burton films, that guy just wasn't there.  In spite of all the negatives, the film is an interesting snapshot of how people thought in this era.  That's something- right?

Up next, one of the most infamous films ever comes up.  Can you stand nearly three hours of Billy Jack posturing and preaching?  Stay tuned...
  

Billy Crap: The Born Losers

Who is Tom Laughlin?  To most people, the name means nothing.  However, this man is known by another name- Billy Jack.  Yes, Laughlin starred in and had major input into four films with the character- not counting the fifth one that remains uncompleted since 1985.  The character was basically his way to speak about the things that bothered him throughout the 1960s-1970s.  Interestingly enough, he wanted to do it a lot sooner.  Supposedly, Laughlin tried for nearly 20 years to get Billy Jack made.  As a compromise, they made a film featuring Billy Jack facing off against a very popular threat from the day: bikers.  When you see the rest of the films in the series, you'll realize how out of place this film really is.  Is it still preachy and ridiculous?  Yes.  Is it good though?  Get out your bikini and bonnet combo for my review of...

The film begins with a bunch of B-Roll of bikers driving around.  I'm sorry- it's the film's actual footage.  It is just so cheap and cliche that it seems like it.  The gang known as the Born Losers drive around the town and, well, be jerks.  When one man bumps their bike, they pick a fight with him and layeth the smacketh down!  He flees to a diner to call 911, but is sent away.  The diner inside- Billy Jack- lets him back in before the gang returns.  He intercedes by going around back with his rifle, but gets arrested.  That's Billy Jack- solving all of his problems with a gun!  He gets forced to either go to jail or pay a $1,000 fine.  The commentary comes in when Jack learns that the bikers were only given a $350 fine.  That's so insightful...about something.  Jack has a problem raising the money, a plot thread that is completely-forgotten about by the final two-thirds of the film.  In a separate plot, a woman with a pixie cut arrives in town, upset by her father not coming to see her.  We also meet some young women who have 'a thing' for bikers.  Don't worry- that will change.  Eventually, the Losers (not be confused with the awesome film) hook up with the girls and run across the pixie cut girl...

So yeah, they all meet a rough fate.  Want to guess what happens to a bunch of women in a room full of bikers?  This upsets Billy Jack so much that he...is not even aware of it until it gets on the news.  The Losers get all Mission: Impossible on the town with schemes to get at the women to keep them from testifying.  This plan works at first, with them nearly catching the pixie-haired girl.  Unfortunately for them, they run into Billy Jack, who proceeds to use his power to choppily-edit the film and beat them up.  In a plot thread we'd see later, Jack is now the woman's protector.  How about the other girls?  In a weird scene, one of them is berated by their mother before she leaves.  Afterwards, she decides to randomly do a striptease for...his stuffed animals when she is surprised by the Losers (again- not the great film).  Why did she do it?  Um, I don't know.  When the police won't say that they can 'protect her forever,' the mother throws a hissy fit.  Seriously, her performance is so over the top that she has to be related to Laughlin!  With things going their way, the Losers put their focus on the pixie-cut girl.  Get to work, Billy!

With the gang and Jack both hanging around the area, tensions are sure to rise.  Never mind that they outnumber him or the fact that Jack refuses to fight them most of the time.  At one point, he fights one of the gang members in a fight that should be great...but sucks.  The guy runs up at Billy and gets punched in his exposed stomach.  He gets up...and does it again.  Jack and the girl leave, but eventually agree to meet up with them, for fear that the violence will escalate to others.  It still does, making their actions- entirely pointless!  The Losers (okay- the joke is dead) have captured one of the other girls who might testify.  How? They do the trick they tried earlier to get the pixie-haired girl, only with shooting instead of stealing a car.  Jack makes a big to-do about standing up to them...and promptly gets clubbed in the back of the head.  Apparently Indians lack peripheral vision- look it up!  The pixie-haired girl agrees to let herself be raped in return for Jack, the girl and her useless father being let go.  A bit later, Jack wakes up from his cracked skull and tricks the men, allowing himself to get inside.  He holds them at gun point, finally killing off the gang's leader.  The new leader is very compliant and flees, allowing them to be arrested.  One self-serving bit of and ending later and this film is over.

This film sucks- especially when it shouldn't!  I mean, a tough, take-no-prisoners guy takes on a gang of rule-breaking, rapist bikers.  That's a sure-fire classic!  Unfortunately, the film is horribly-paced, alternating awkwardly from wordy dialog to sudden death.  Who can manage to ruin a premise so simple?  Oh right, Tom Laughlin.  Clearly his heart was not in this, as his acting level barely goes above 'mild bemusement.'  I get the impression that this movie could have been about Godzilla fighting Jesus and he'd be 'eh, whatever.'  This is what happens you make a film just because it will be a hit.  There's no soul here!  The characters do random things, the plot sort of saunters along and it takes forever to resolve anything.  It's a good thing that people forget about this movie, because it's pretty easy to do.  The few 'Billy Jack' moments of awesomeness come too little too late.  Seriously, my father's favorite moment of the film (Jack shooting the leader) occurs in the last ten minutes.  Hell, he doesn't have a silly-looking Akido fight of note here.  The film is notable for introducing the character, but not much else.

Up next, we get to see the film that Laughlin waited nearly 20 years to make.  Will the titular film be a classic or a piece of shit?  Stay tuned...