Triple B Flix: Guns (1990)

More boobs, bombs and bazookas!  This is Guns, Sidaris' first Film of the 1990s.  Does it show?  Well, he's got the same gaudy outfits, bits and tits on display.  I guess you could say that there is a bit less Neon, but that's about it.  The Plot involves an oddly-familiar bit.  A Criminal is back for revenge and is this time out to get Donna.  In Trigger, it was the other blonde- since he finally remembered her backstory for the Plot.  Speaking of her, she's gone.  She didn't stop Acting, although she did appear on Baywatch the same year as this Film, so that is arguably the same.  Vaguely-topical burn!  Instead of it being That Guy Who is in All of These Films as the Villain, it is Erik Estrada.  Can I use this as an excuse for a CHiPs burn too?  Here's hoping!  There's another bit of interesting Casting here, but I won't SPOIL it just yet.  To see if a more generic-sounding Film is somehow a more interesting one, read on...

An Arms Dealer called The Jack of Diamonds (Estrada) hires two weirdos to kill a lady.

They're not JUST weird because they kill people for money.  They are also obsessed with Transistor-based Explosions.

He's after Donna's new partner- who was once a Villain in Trigger- but, as bad luck would have it, this lady gets the same dress and gets killed instead.

Oh and the Restaurant changed owners (the previous Owner is now a Lounge Singer), but the new one gets killed in her 2nd Scene.

They chase the killers and find out that they are going to Nevada.  Yes, they are leaving Hawaii for real this time and they brought Black Muscle Guy from Trigger.

'Jack' has his men keep an eye on our Heroes, as they separately keep an eye on them.  Yes, that is Danny Trejo.

Yes, those are Ninjas.  They only appear in one Scene.

Speaking of random, one of the Agents interrogates two men who supposedly work for 'Jack.'  He explains that one of them killed his brother- also in Trigger- and he kills them- but only after showing you the entire 'Flashback.'

This comes out of nowhere and amounts to nothing.  Joy.

After 'Jack' strikes back killing the Magician (above) and one of the lesser Agents, they arm up.

It all boils down to a bunch of shooting, including our Male Lead killing Trejo by sheer luck.  Thanks to a Chekhov's Trap Door, Donna is able to kill 'Jack' with a rocket launcher from 6 feet away.

Instead of celebrating on a boat (sometimes with our Heroine admitting to theft), they end like this...

Just as silly as the others- this time in Nevada.  On the plus side, they expanded the locations in a serious way.  On the negative side, this is mostly the same kind of Film.  They've changed out Cast Members again- I miss you, Karate Ponytail Guy!-, but the Story doesn't change all that much.  As noted, the whole 'Revenge for a previously-unseen mission' angle is reused.  These Plots sure are looping themselves!  Incidentally, That Guy Who is in All of These Films appears briefly as an Agent in Drag.  That's ironic, considering that he was the 'wants revenge' guy in Trigger.  This whole Film is oddly-connected to that one, which is weird when you consider how much of the Cast is changed out here.  The Story is a mish-mash of ideas and sometimes feel aimless.  They only got these things to 90 minutes by having random filler.  Guns is a pretty-forgettable Film that is about as good as the other Sidaris Films.  At this point, the bar is pretty low.  No Sidaris Cameo from Andy...but another relative still shows up to fill the quota...

Next time, I take a break from this silliness to cover something long coming.  Can I face my Fear?  Stay tuned...

New Flix: Cyborg X (2016)

Will this Sci-Fi/Action Film redeem the last one?  Will it at least be interesting?  Let's see...

In the not-too-distant future (next Sunday A.D.), we made Robots and Cyborgs.  Bad idea.

They kind of killed most of us, leading to a Mad Max-inspired wasteland.  Doesn't it always?

One man is the key (isn't it always?) to putting a stop to these Cyborg and Drones.  He's not friendly.

These guys have machine gun hands- taking that Neil Young lyric to hear too literally.  Insert Bane joke here.

Can our motley crew of Soldiers and Outlaws stop the threat before it is too late?

Or is the Earth just doomed to always turn into a robot wasteland?  To find out, watch the Film.

Somewhere between Classic and Syfy trash, this movie lies.  It isn't really bad.  It isn't really good.  It is a decently-Acted tale with some low-budget Effects and explosions.  The Story isn't really all that great.  We made Robots, someone made them evil and then all hell went wrong.  It is pretty standard stuff.  At least this tale of Robots didn't involve Time-Travel, I guess.  Killer Cyborgs and Drones are nothing new.  In fact, one of the Stars here- Danny Trejo- was already in a Film about killer Drones.  Probably more than one, to be honest, but only one that I've seen.  This is all just an excuse for a bunch of shooting, explosions and...even more shooting.  They expend more fake bullets in this thing that most people do in a Call of Duty Deathmatch!  All of the stuff most of us don't like- CG Blood, for example- is unfortunately here.  Likewise, they use Cyborgs as what seems to be a money-saving tool.  Regardless, they are freaky-looking Cyborgs, so I'm not complaining *that* much.  With so little originality here, I don't give them points for it in this regard.  All in all, the Film has alot of little problems that eventually add up.  This is a fun enough rental, but never really achieves anything great.  On the plus side, shotgun-wielding Danny Trejo.

Basic stuff to watch and enjoy.  Beyond that, there's nothing new here at all.

Screener Flix: The Burning Dead

After so many weird Monster Movies in the last 5 years, this is no surprise.  Today's Film is The Burning Dead, a DTV Film with some odd monsters.  Before I get into it, I should note that this is a Screener, which is something I've only gotten a few of.  Does that mean that I'm going to pull my punches?  Nah.  They want people to Review their Films, not lie about them (I think).  So, with that out of the way, let me talk about the Film.  Well, it involves a Volcano and Zombies.  I'll give you a minute to process all that.  Good?  Good.  I won't lie and say that this makes a lick of sense...but I'm not surprised.  With Sharknado 3 on the way, The Asylum making 3-Headed Shark Attack and...Avengers Grimm (?!?), why not?  I'm going to be less exact on what happens in the Plot (since this is a new Film) and I'm experimenting with the picture/text format.  Feel free to tell me if you love or hate it.  For now though, let's see how this all turns out...

In a cold (get it?) open, we meet an Indian Chief...played by Danny Trejo?  Alright then.  Whatever gets him in the Film, I guess.  He proceeds to tell us a Story...

First, we are in Old West times where Zombies rise from...somewhere and kill off everyone in the camp.  While they are chowing down, however, a nearby Volcano erupts and takes them all out.

In the Present (still narrated by Trejo?), we see a nice, small Town built in the same area.  After giving us action in the first few minutes, we now get lots and lots of Character Building.

We get...
- Family that can't get along.
- Nerdy boyfriend along for the ride.
- Sheriff trying to get people to safety.
- Scientists studying the Volcano and...
- Hot lady who shows her boobs.  Well, that is one reason to be here...

Eventually, we get the reason for this movie- Volcano-related Zombies.

The Mountain explodes with magma at first, but soon we see...green energy come out of it!  Where the balls hit, Zombies crawl out of the ground, looking all molten and rocky.

They seem to be your typical Zombies, but some of them seem to drip magma out of their mouths!  Don't ask me- I didn't write this.

Who will live?  Who will die?  You'll just have to watch to find out.  Sorry, but I avoid these...

This is...a weird mix.  On one hand, it is a basic, by-the-numbers Disaster Film that would be on Syfy on any given Saturday.  On the other hand, it is a Zombie Film at the same time.  Where do I start?  How do the Zombies come back?  Why are there so many?  What is that green stuff shooting out of the Volcano?  Why is Danny Trejo an Indian?  I'm not going to say that it is bad, because the Acting is decent, the CG is alright and it is actually shot pretty well.  There aren't too many moments that make me roll my eyes- outside of the Premise that is- and they do some good Zombie-related gore.  No complaints in that department.  The whole thing is just really odd though.  It feels like either a silly Film collided with a Disaster Film or a Disaster Film tried to be silly...but only half-heartedly.  It is not quite goofy enough to be something like Sharknado.  It is not quite good enough to be something like The Day After Tomorrow.  It feels like this could be turned into something either really serious or really silly- sadly, neither was quite achieved here.  It is not a wasted effort- as the Film is usually quite decent- but it is definitely not either one of the two things that they may or may not have been going for.  I can't stay too mad though...

Next up, I've got another Screener to check out, so I don't want to make people wait.  More Indy Horror- should be interesting.  Stay tuned...

New Ponytail Pain: Force of Execution

After a long break, it is good to see Seagal again.  I'm kidding, of course- I don't like Seagal's films.  That is not to say that he hasn't *been* in good movies, they just haven't really happened all that much in the last decade.  Ever since his banishment to Direct-to-Video fare after Half Past Dead, his work has been lazy and mostly uninspired.  The films have good moments at times, but are mostly just crap.  The fault- if you are new to his films- is Seagal and his apathy.  He could get in shape- he doesn't.  He could emote- he doesn't.  He could be on set the whole time and do his own A.D.R.- he doesn't.  The man simply shows up (for some of the time), does what little he has to do and collects his paycheck.  I don't really hate the guy- just for the record- but I have many reasons to not like him.  The man disappeared for a little while, but has made a few films in the last couple of years.  His last one- Maximum Conviction- was a good film when he wasn't around, so let's see what Force of Execution is going to be like.  Seagal plays a Mobster- don't worry, he has a Secret Agent past- who gets in a turf war.  His main henchmen gets into some trouble, leading to a convoluted showdown.  I won't SPOIL the whole film, but I will at least give you a taste of what this one is all about.  To see if the presence of Machete can make the film better (it didn't work for Urban Justice), read on...

The film begins with- I kid you not, this shot of the Desert.  Did I accidentally start watching John Carter?

As it turns out, this is just to establish that the film is set in New Mexico.  Weird choice though.

The film begins properly with Seagal doing his laziest Sunset Boulevard by setting up the film.  In case you thought, the formerly-ponytailed one might die (ha!), this says that he doesn't.

Just take this image in folks.

So before all of that, we see Seagal in one of his two fight scenes.  To be fair, he does his own fighting (mostly) here.  It is the lazy 'I stand still while you throw yourself around' Seagal fight.

After that, his henchman- the supposed lead- is sent to break into a Prison (the same set from Conviction) and kill some guy.  He takes his cue from a Prison snitch (Ving Rhames), but...

It is actually the wrong guy.  So much for reliable sources (not to be confused with the CNN Show).

Seagal hands his henchman (of 15 years!) over to the people that had hired them for the job and they torture him, smashing his hands.  Good job, Seagal!

Some vague amount of time goes by and the henchman is now homeless.  I get that he can't work- with non-working hands- but he apparently did save any money.  You need to invest in some IRAs, criminals!

Henchman- I'm sure that he has a name, but I don't care- finds help from 'Machete' (here playing a Restaurateur) and this blond lady (who is apparently 'Seagal's girl').

Meanwhile, Rhames (who got out of Prison during the break) is making a play to take over Seagal's territory, since he is retiring.  Seagal- truly a Mobster with a heart of gold...eventually.

I won't SPOIL what 'Machete' here has in mind for our hero.  It...it is beyond words.

This is just a set-up for some shoot-outs, a bit of fighting and more shooting.  Seagal busts out his faux-tactical gear (which also covers up his neck) for the big showdown.

To find out how this all ends, watch the movie.  The End.

It is arguably the most work Seagal has done in a while.  That is a bar so low that Chihuahuas could walk under it.  Like Conviction, the former Star drops in and out of the movie.  Unlike Conviction, it didn't have a charismatic Steve Austin and a good Stunt Team to fill in the rest.  We don't get fun moments like Austin's classic line 'Which one of you killed my future ex-wife?'  The actual lead here- Bren Foster- is not bad at Kung-Fu, but he's not the best Actor.  He either has an apathetic expression, a sad one or his 'action face.'  If there was someone to do the Acting for him, this might be okay.  As it is, he doesn't have the emotional rage to pull off what he has to here.  The presence of Trejo, Rhames and the rest is just not enough here.  To be honest, I fell asleep during the middle part of this movie.  I *rarely* fall asleep during films- especially Action ones- and you can't even blame the time of day (Saturday night before 9 pm) either.  It is also worth noting that Seagal (whether it was his idea or not) steals Foster's 'thunder' in the Finale.  Aside from good Action moments and some silly 'science,' this film is a bore.  I will, however, point out the one time I could clearly spot Seagal's double (since I'm a jerk like that)...

Up next, inspired by release of the new Wolfenstein game, a Nazi film.  If they can put Nazis on the Moon, then so can I!  Stay tuned...

Instant Forgotten Sequels: From Dusk 'Till Dawn 3- The Hangman's Daughter

You remind me way too much of Ginger Snaps: The Beginning.  No, that is obviously not a compliment.  Today's film is the third From Dusk 'Till Dawn movie.   As you may have inferred, it's a Prequel.  Before I go too far, I have to ask- what is up with that?!?  It's not the most common trend in Cinema, but it happens more than you might think.  Ginger Snaps 3- Prequel.  Paranormal Activity 3- Prequel.  At least the Tremors Prequel was the fourth film, but, to be fair, the third film was really an extension leading into the TV show, so you could argue the case still.  Regardless, it's weird.  Let's see if Laid to Rest 3 or Hatchet 3 (UPDATE: It happened, but wasn't) will be a Prequel, I guess.  Back to this film...if I have to.  Released the same year as Part 2, this film is designed to set up the Original film, so it is a bit of a rehash.  I'll get into that in a bit more detail in the actual review.  Danny Trejo is back, making him the only link between all three films- joy.  Fun fact: Danny doesn't have his mustache here, implying that he shaved it off for a better film in between these two.  I won't waste any more space in this introduction and just dive right into the film...

Famous Writer Ambrose Bierce is the hero of this tale, a man trying to get to Pancho Villa.

However, fate intervenes and a famous Outlaw escapes his execution and flees with the titular daughter.

So, basically, this film is about Ambrose traveling with two Christians in Plot A.  Plot B features the Outlaw, the Daughter and his posse.  Plot C (which is practically non-existent) features the Hangman leading others to find them.  Get it?  Got it?  Good.

Instead of getting to the point, this movie drags its feet by having a bunch of gang interaction and our anti-hero leaving a young girl to hang.  Nice.

Ambrose and company make it to a bar and find Danny Trejo.  Praise Jeebus- you make this movie good again!

Everyone else converges on the Bar, leading to this movie having a point.  It's also here that you realize a key problem: this is practically a Remake.

Think about it: you have a Pastor/Priest, a young girl, some outlaws and other assorted n'er do wells trapped in a bar full of Vampires.  How creative.

The Vampire action is a good break from all the shooting and fighting, but it's still the usual fare for this series.

Blah blah blah Plot Twist blah blah blah They escape.  Oh and...

Famous Writer Ambrose Beirce is now a Vampire.  Take that, Bloodrayne 2!  The End.

Vampire Film continue to find different ways to suck.  Some of them are amateurish and stupid (Die Hard Dracula), some are ridiculous (Dracula Rising) while others are just not funny (Dracula Blows His Cool).  There's even a special place in my heart for all of those Vampire Sequels that ruin everything (Dracula II/III, Bloodrayne III, etc).  So what's the problem with this film?  To answer that, I say this- it's easier to say what the film didn't do right.  The acting- not good.  The plot- not good.  The effects- pretty damn silly.  The whole thing is a bottom heavy film.  That works for ladies- who doesn't love a Fat Bottomed Girl?- but not for films.  You have to wait AN HOUR for everyone to get to the bar.  They spend the previous sixty minutes setting up a dozen characters who get wiped out pretty quickly once the action begins.  About fifty minutes, they randomly introduce Orlando Jones (of Seconds Apart fame) as a guy in the bar.  His role- to get turned, dance with our heroine and then die.  Glad you spent that time wisely, guys!  The bottom line- it's hard to care about any of these characters.  Even a slew of Third Act Plot Twists- including the titular Daughter being Salma Hayek's character from the first one- add nothing to this dull mess.  If you want a great summary of how random this film is, consider this sequence.  A Vampire attacks the Hangman, who proceeds to wrap his whip around the thing's head and twists it, causing it to get cut off.  Seconds later, a giant snaked head pops out, taunts the guy and is immediately blown off with one shot.  That happens.

Next up, I change gears to cover the most infamous film in a '70s trilogy.  Will a change of locale help the Bears or kill them?  Stay tuned...

Instant Forgotten Sequels: From Dusk 'Till Dawn 2- Texas Blood Money

Are you ready for...nothing related to anything?  So what is this movie about?  Is it about returning characters from the previous film?  No.  Is it about someone rebuilding the famous Vampire Night Club from the first film?  No.  How is this a sequel to From Dusk 'Till Dawn then?  Well, Danny Trejo is in a small part and there are Vampires, so...that's about it.  Apparently Tarantino and Rodriguez signed on for this one, although their contribution is saying 'Go ahead' and getting their cut.  I doubt that either of them even visited the set, unless Danny invited them.  So what is this non-sequel about?  Well, it's a mix of a Bank Robbery film and a Vampire Film.  That's about as odd as combining a WWII Film and an Elvis Film (see Top Secret!).  That's not to say that it's a terrible film, but...it has some problems.  To find out more, read on...

In a pointless opening scene, Tiffany Amber-Thiessen and Bruce Campbell appear as Lawyers killed by vampires.  This, however, is a film-within-a-film, so it's completely pointless.  Moving on...

 Robert Patrick is a Criminal who reforms his gang to do a Bank Job in Mexico.  Yes, in Mexico, despite the subtitle being Texas Blood Money.

Yes, it is a small point, but it's still really stupid.  I can't get over it- sorry.

Danny Trejo is here as a Bartender, but not as the same guy.  You know, the guy that died in the first film.

He is, however, still a Vampire and turns the co-Leader of the gang.  Bye, Danny Trejo!

Does it bug me that these Vampires look like Buffy rejects?  Somewhat.  I know they looked kind of like this in the other film...but I guess I was just ignoring it then.  This time- not so much.

As the gang starts to rob the bank (in Mexico!), they are slowly turned into Vampires.  It comes down to just Robert Patrick and his dopey friend.  Work together, guys!

Never mind.  Looks like its a battle for the ages.  Are you ready?

In the only good part of the film, we get a nearly 20-minute action scene involving Cops fighting the four Vampires, who ignore bullets the way that Mitt Romney ignores 47% of America.

Ha ha ha- topical and random.

After some silly gun physics, silly fight physics and the world's longest Solar Eclipse (set up for two seconds early on), the Vampires die, our heroes name-drop a better Vampire film (The Fearless Vampire Killers) and the T-1000 goes off to...somewhere.  The End.

Given this crap, is it any wonder why I take forever to write these?  In all seriousness, the movie is not terrible.  It's not, you know, good though either.  The good parts- practical effects, real Vampire action (at the end) and a decent (if silly) climax.  The bad- just about everything else.  The story is stupid, the Acting is all over the map and the effects are mostly-silly.  I like the prosthesis work...to an extent.  Their CG effects are really dated and many of the effects are shot like Army of Darkness.  Let me clarify that comment so that it doesn't sound like a compliment.  Army of Darkness was made in 1991 and this film was made in 1999- it should look better.  The worst part, to be honest, is the hokey camera angles used.  The film is full of weird camera choices like filming from the bottom of a glass, filming between the loops of a rotary phone & moving the camera up and down to match the movements of one guy doing push-ups.  Much like the picture-in-picture silliness from Dragon Fighter, it just adds nothing.  It's a big distraction for an already silly movie.  The film is kind of a weird one to recommend.  It's a goofy movie with some good action (at the end), but is otherwise bad.  If that doesn't do it for, this double-whammy of Goofs should make up your mind...

Next up, the other Dawn sequel.  Will it be even less related...or a Prequel-Remake?  Stay tuned...