Tubi Thursday: Severed Tied (1992)

 Another catch-up review, as I featured the German Box Art for this Film in 2019.

How is the actual Film though?

In this Fangoria-produced Film, a man is trying to replicate his dead Father's work.

He is trying to make a plasmid to allow limbs to be regrown.

It worked out for Curt Connors!

His Mom (Elke Sommers- above) is controlling him, while Hans (Oliver Reed) has his own motivations!

Can he make it work?

Yes, although it comes at the cost of his left arm- which is cut off by a laser.

He injects himself with the seemingly successful formula.

He ends up with some kind-of crazy Hobos- led by Garrett Morris- and continues his work.

You see, the formula worked.  His new arm is real...and reptilian...and alive on its own.

Okay, worked requires a few caveats, I suppose.

He keeps up his work, giving Morris a new leg.

Mom and Hans keep trying to find him and take his new lady- Eve.

Can he come back and get his revenge?
It is complicated.
To find out, stream it now.

A fun, chaotic Horror Film- at least to a point.  

The Plot is crazy, featuring random Black and White Flashbacks- right around the time that The Real World started doing Testimonials like that-, a bunch of odd Characters & many twists and turns.

Does it get too weird?
For many people, yes.
I'm still in it to win it for the crazy- like with Society or other Films.  It sure is alot to keep up with- no question.

I'm not sure that I ultimately love the way the Film wraps up- no SPOILERS though.
Crazy to think that this Director would go on to Direct Disney TV Shows and Movies (like Another Cinderella Story), Bring It On Again & Pure Country: Pure Heart.

I can see why the German distributor put a fake connection to The Thing in there.  The body horror- which is mostly done with puppet arms- is good.

Like with Children of the Night, you can see the Fangoria influence here.  I guess I need to see Mindwarp now, don't I?

A fun Film that is a bit all over the place Plot-wise.  For a creature feature, it is good, bloody fun though.

Cronenbergian: The Brood

Shockingly, this is not for the faint of heart.  Today's Film is The Brood, a 1979 Film from David Cronenberg.  If you know him, you know what to expect.  The Film is chock full of Psychological anguish and Body Horror.  This is not one of his more celebrated works, coming out before his big success with The Fly.  Even so, this is definitely the kind of Movie that made him the famous Director he is.  The Film Stars Oliver Reed and...Art Hindle.  Yes, him again.  To explain, I had no idea who he was back when I did the The Clone Master for Project Terrible, a failed Pilot Starring...Art Hindle.  The same Year, I ended up doing the Film Offspring.  Later on, I discovered that he was also in Monster Brawl and Black Christmas...and Invasion of the Body Snatchers (1978).  It has been 2 years or so since a Film with him, so let's hope he brings me luck.  The Story involves a strange Psychologist (Reed) who is doing experiments on Hindle's wife.  Around this time, people in her life keep getting killed.  What is her connection?  The answer is sure to be weird!  To find out how this all plays out...

Reed is seen doing some very intense Psychotherapy with this guy.  Naturally, he has an audience.

Woo!  Deal with that Oedipal Complex!  Woo!

Hindle's ex-Wife is part of the group and he's mad because their Daughter has mysterious bruises.

The woman is going through some weird psychological issues, but thankfully still finds time to feather that hair.  You have to prioritize, people!

Out of nowhere, her Mother is attacked by a strange figure while babysitting the Daughter, who sees the killer and walks away.

Said killer shows up again to kill her Father (in town for the Funeral).  It turns out to be...the killer from Don't Look Now?  Or is it Alice Sweet Alice?

These are actually bizarre, asexual creations of a mysterious origin.  What the hell are they?

Before they can find out, another victim is claimed- a Teacher mistaken for Hindle's lover.

He eventually teams up with Reed (who sees all of the deaths and finally wakes up) and confronts his ex-wife.  It turns out that her rage/anger is manifesting in the form of the freaky, asexual child-things that obey her psychic will.

Of course, it is so obvious!

While Reed dies, Hindle and the Daughter survive when the ex-wife is killed.  In the aftermath, the Daughter has similar marks to the Mother.  Dun dun no Sequel.  The End.

Classic, creepy Cronenberg.  This one is a bit of a slow burn, but does pay off well.  The underlying tension of the Characters is built up nicely until you get the first kill.  From there, it escalates more noticeably.  Going into this Film blind, you probably won't exactly connect the dots.  If your first thought is 'Of course, this lady must be manifesting her rage as mutant children,' I'm really worried!  This is the kind of creepy stuff that he sure loved to do though.  The Acting here ranges from subdued to a bit over-the-top.  Reed manages to be creepy and controlling, while Hindle shows good indignancy.  The whole thing is played pretty straight until you get to the climax and find out the truth.  Seeing her 'give birth' to the creepy thing and clean it (see below) sure was a good pay-off.  A gross one, admittedly, but this is Cronenberg.  All in all, The Brood doesn't exactly mesh up with Science, but is a fairly-dry-but-rewarding 70s Thriller with a crazy climax.  If you like Cronenberg, you're already there.  Now clean your monster before you put it away...

Next up, a Remake of a Japanese Film already covered here.  Is Apartment Shopping any safer in America?  Stay tuned...

Rare Flix: The Devils (1971)

It is rare and it is crazy!  Today's film is The Devils, a film made by the madman Ken Russell.  He's one of those guys that I had never seen one of his films before- in full, at least- but I knew his reputation quite well.  When I learned that this was made by Ken Russell, I kind of knew what to expect.  So what is The Devils about?  It is a lovely, family film about the Plague and religious control of the land.  The film goes for a mix of surreal and historical drama, but it is clear which side it ends up on most of the time.  Notable Cast Members include Vanessa Redgrave and Oliver Reed, who's 'credited' the experience of working on the film as having aged him four years!  He would nearly be killed on-set two years later, so its notable that he still even talked about this one at all.  Is this film Rare because of the quality of its content or because it was just trying to offend anyone remotely fond of Christianity?  To find out, read on...

I like that the film includes this footnote at the beginning about what is about to take place.  I take it with several grains of salt, but so be it.

The early part of the film is made up two clear Themes.  One- the rich (like the Cardinal) live a life of extreme luxury and debauchery.

Just to spare you any future Therapy, I will tell you that this is a guy...

While, in contrast, everyone else live with constant threat of death, starvation and pestilence.  Subtle, huh?

Reed is the lead Priest- Father Urbain Grandier- in the town and struggles with certain parts of his vows.  The main one: not having sex with this Harley Quinn-looking lady and getting her pregnant.

Redgrave's Sister is a bit crazy and repressed.  Some might say that the two are connected.

It gives the film excuses for her to act crazy and to set up bizarre visions like this...

The two stories collide when the elite want to keep exploiting the poor and Reed stands up to them.  This leads to him to him being targeted by so-called Demon Hunters and this early version of the Klan.

As Reed's Father undergoes torture and interrogation, he doesn't crack.

Considering that Reed himself only died after downing an inhuman amount of alcohol and arm-wrestling Sailors (in one night) at age 61, that's no surprise.

Things get really crazy, culminating in the Father's execution, a big explosion and the Sister pleasuring herself with a charred bone of Grandier.

His wife leaves the city, apparently wandering off into a Salvador Dali painting.  The End.

Not recommended for those who are remotely-easy to offend.  Hell, if you've ever been offended at a Catholic Priest joke, this may not be for you.  Devils is a weird sort of masterpiece.  You can see the amount of care and detail work put into it.  Every single detail seems planned out to a meticulous degree.  The question is not one of quality, it is one of taste.  Will the film offend you?  Maybe.  I was pretty tame in my Screencap selection, so bear that in mind.  For all the talk of deviant sexual activity (which there is some) and violence (which there is plenty), there is alot that you don't see here.  So much of Grandier's torture is implied (thankfully) and you can just imagine the kind of stuff that happens.  The same can be said for much of the sex, but to a lesser degree.  The film reads like weird mix of an historical account and one of those Passion Play-style shows that tries to offend.  The film pulls no punches- for better or for worse.  It is bleak.  It is dark.  It is insane.  All of this explains why the film has taken ages to get proper video releases in any format.  It took until 2010 to start seeing proper DVD releases of it and even those were not complete.  Cuts of the Film range from anywhere between 105 minutes to 117 minutes (the Restored Version).  For the record, my general source of DVDs- Netflix- doesn't carry it right now.  One upside of being known as 'someone who likes weird movies' is that people get you stuff like this.  Isn't that just 'for the Birds?'

Next up, I bide my time until I get to see Snowpiercer.  That's a good pretense to do this Chris Evans film that's already on my shelf.  Stay tuned...

Instant Trash: Gor

I like books, but hate reading.  I mean, who wastes their time doing that?  By the way, thanks for reading.  So if I want to know what a book is like without reading, what can I do?  It's simple- watch the movie.  In this case, it's Gor, the summation of the first movie of the series.  By the time that this movie was made, there were 24 books in the series.  Way to bide your time, filmmakers!  So does this movie do the books justice?  I couldn't tell you.  As a non-reader, how could I?  Besides, I certainly haven't read books about magical dimensions, sweaty men fighting and women constantly in slavery.  On second thought, I'm starting to change my mind about that.  Since I don't have time to read all 29 books in the series (with a 30th to come in 2011), let's just jump into the movie.  For starters, it stars Urbano Barberini and Oliver Reed.  Wow, that's a pair, huh?  Get out your vaguely-magical ring for my review of...

This tale of a rich, fantasy world begins with...a rip-off of Indiana Jones.  Yes, our hero is a College Professor doing a lecture.  Keep an eye out, copyright lawyers!  He lectures about a magical world named Gor and tells the tale of a magic ring that was passed down to him by his father.  Yes, they teach this in College!  His day turns bad as his girlfriend skips out on a weekend with him, dumping him instead for The Mummy.  Seriously, a young Arnold Vosloo is here- with hair!  Embarrassed, he leaves for the countryside, only to crash his car into a tree...just after a silly-looking smoke effect occurs inside.  The result: our hero is in Gor.  Yes, just like that.  On the plus side, you'll get to see equally-lazy teleportation effects in January's first review.  He loses his glasses, but, like the girl from 1990's Night of the Living Dead, it has zero impact on the film.  Lazy writing crosses borders, I see.  Awakening in a desert (the film was shot in North Africa), our hero looks down into a valley to see a village under siege.  Generic Conan-style pillaging and fighting occurs, all under the watchful eye of a shirtless Oliver Reed wearing the goofiest get-up of the movie.  You had to be drunk every day, right?  The bad guys steal a 'homestone,' but the lead girl escapes and inadvertently runs into our hero.  He, in turn, inadvertently kills Reed's son and is saved by the villagers.  Explanation please.

Basically, the ring is magical and summons people to Gor when aid is needed.  You may find this plot familiar and you'd be right.  I guess someone had to mix The Wizard of Oz and Conan!  Our hero's family is apparently the guardians of Gor, as the Village Elder speaks of previous 'heroes' coming to their and the man spoke of how the ring was passed down to him.  Of course, our hero is a dork.  Thankfully, his worth as a 'symbol' is enough that he is given training- in a two-minute montage.  By the way, he's never going to have trouble fighting ever again.  I love how key character traits can vanish thanks to a single montage!  This leads to our heroes wandering through the desert for a bit.  On the plus side, it's not the Catacombs.  On the down side, this padding is pretty sad.  The group eventually stop in a desert town ripped right out of Star Wars to get supplies.  They meet a man holding slaves and get what they need.  In addition, they run into a sarcastic midget who promises to help them.  Before that though, we get something to make Joey Styles happy- catfight!  Just sort of inexplicably, our heroine is forced to fight with a slave owned by the bad guy.  It goes on for a few minutes and they just leave.  In the desert, they are attacked by the man again.  Our hero kills him by reflecting the sun off of his calculator-watch and stabbing him.  No, really.

To be honest, the padding got too much for me, so the latter part of this movie is kind of hazy.  After some wandering, our heroes are captured by Reed.  He was gone for the last forty minutes, so it's good to see his silly outfit again.  He tries to trick our hero into joining his side, which is odd considering that he was hunting him down for killing his son earlier.  He doesn't fall for it, choosing to brand Reed instead of our heroine.  They escape and go to free the Village Elder and Disposable Guy.  Yes, he's so interesting that I didn't mention him at all this whole time!  The guy ends up dying when our hero's sword breaks in battle and he tosses his to him.  Wow, I could have called that.  He ends up freeing the Elder and leading to the final battle. Reed is in the midst of giving a big speech when our hero shoots him through the throat, causing him to fall to his death.  Well, that was pretty much it.  In the aftermath, our hero has some PG-rated sex with the lady and Jack Palance shows up- not at the same time!  He explains that he's a High Priest who's come to help make things right.  For no good reason, our hero decides to use the homestone to leave Gor.  The pay-off: he punches Vosloo out, instantly regaining his girlfriend's love.  Back on Gor, Palance explains in narration that he's evil, thus setting up the sequel.  The End.

This movie sucks!  The plot is dumb.  I could probably stop there, but I'll elaborate.  Despite allegedly-being a film based on the Gor book series, so much is excised!  Our hero is not tough, slavery is rare and, quite frankly, it's not salacious enough.  Normally I wouldn't complain about that, but this is a Gor film!  Those books are dirty and perverse.  This movie is not.  You get a Playboy Playmate as the lead actress, but nothing really comes of this.  She wears a tight outfit the whole time, but that's it.  Is there an Unrated Cut out there or something?  If not, I don't get it.  The acting is not that good either.  Urbano is decent, although his character is so stock.  Reed is actually very subtle and quiet here.  I know, I was surprised too!  Palance is the third-biggest star here (for Italy), but shows up just to set up Outlaw of Gor.  How freaking lame is that?!?  Like Beastmaster, Ator, Deathstalker and the like, this movie only exists because of Conan's success.  However, those films are either good or have a funny hook to them.  This film is just kind of 'eh.'  As a non-Gor reader, I found it kind of dull.  As a Gor reader, you'll realize how unrelated the whole thing is.  On the plus side, funny hat...

Next up, an obscure horror film decides to turn a scientific tragedy into a film plot.  You don't have any fond memories of Skylab, do you?  Stay tuned...

Klaus Know Me?: Venom (1981)

Klaus Kinski is a man whose talents have worked for many countries.  Just this month, we've seen him in a Spanish film, an Italian film and now it's a British one.  As a bonus, this movie was originally meant to be directed by Tobe Hooper.  According to reports, the film's two stars- Oliver Reed and Kinski- did not like Hooper and did everything they could to get rid of him.  This plan worked and the T.C.M. director was gone after a mere ten days.  In his place was Piers Haggard, the man who brought us The Fiendish Plot of Fu Manchu.  That's right- he directed Peter Sellers' last movie, which was both racist and not funny.  I can see why they were so high on the guy!  The film is based on a book, apparently, and takes place in London.  This does beg the question of why Hooper was initially hired in the first place, but, whatever.  So the film is about two convergent events: a poisonous snake arriving at a kid's house and a hostage situation occurring.  Worst day ever!!!  Given the relatively-dubious quality of the Kinski films so far, can this one do any better or will it just kill my nervous system?  Get out your anti-snake helmet for my review of...

The movie begins with a rich kid being picked up from school by his butler (Reed) and his mother.  This scene runs for a few moments, mostly in an attempt to get the credits in.  This is a very good argument for putting the credits at the end of the movie, guys!  Anyways, the mother is worried because...well, she's a doting mother stereotype.  The kid is at home with the grandfather, who is a fun character.  Naturally, this means that she believes him to be reckless and crazy.  She has to go away on a trip that's for both business and pleasure.  She worries and dotes for a few minutes before finally leaving the movie.  You won't be missed.  During all of that, the butler and the maid do some sort of scheming.  Gee, they look trustworthy!  The woman calls up someone who turns out to be...drum roll please...Klaus Kinski.  The grandpa and son get along great, talking about the old man's past in Africa.  Gee, I wonder if knowledge about animals from Africa will come in handy.  The kid goes out to a pet store and picks up his delivery of a snake.  Unfortunately, the store finds out too late that the Black Mamba meant for a poison-testing lab was sent there instead.  Ruh roh.  Meanwhile, Kinski sets up a meeting with the grandfather...only to bail on him.  Yeah, I don't get that at all.

Klaus arrives at the house and the group enacts their master plan.  Unfortunately for them, they draw some police attention.  Well, at least it's only a couple cops.  Oops, Oliver just blasted one with a shotgun.  Now you guys may have some trouble.  To make matters worse, they open the box and the snake bites the maid.  Never mind that the snake clearly has no fangs (see above shot).  It's a bit like the zombie vs. shark battle where the shark has had all of it's teeth pulled.  The wily snake escapes into the vents as the people freak out.  Reed gets mad (big surprise), but Kinski- surprisingly- stays calm and collected.  The whole situation turns into a hostage crisis.  The police surround the area.  While this is happening, the maid is slowly dying from the snake venom.  By the way, if you love ridiculous acting, her performance here is golden!  The woman from the poison-studying group calls up the cops and warns them about the situation, but all is still not clear to them yet.  Speaking of the snake, he's crawling through the air ducts in a scene we would later enjoy in Die Hard.

Things get more tense and dramatic as the story continues.  The snake gets loose for a bit and does some P.O.V. style-attacks.  Eventually, it ends up in the basement where it attacks Reed.  Outside, the poison expert negotiates for the girl to be sent out and given the cure...only for it to be a trick and have Kinski bring her inside.  They threaten her with violence and send out a finger of her's to prove how serious they are.  Mind you, this turns out to be one of the dead maid's, but it's still interesting.  Holy Michael Gough sighting!  Gough appears to help the police by showing them a side entrance to the house, while the main cop gears up as a motorcycle cop.  Why?  To protect him from the snake bites, of course.  They go inside and get attacked by the snake.  However, they do manage to kill Reed with a shotgun blast.  Things get really tense as Kinski puts the poison expert out on the balcony for cover while he negotiates.  That all falls apart when the snake attacks him, biting his face!  He gets shot when the woman moves, leading to his bloody corpse falling off the balcony.  They head-shot the snake during all of this too, by the way.  The day is saved...but the mother shows up again.  Oh well- you win some, you lose some.

This movie...has a lot of potential, but doesn't quite live up to them.  The plot is a simple one, but it works.  The problem is that they can only do so much, leading to many long pauses and breaks.  The constant cross-cutting between the snake, the police, the criminals and the hostages wears a little thin too.  It's not terrible- just a bit distracting.  There are also a lot of times when the movie feels a bit overly-dramatic too.  For example, three armed men can do nothing when facing down a single snake?  I get what you're going for movie, but it just feels odd.  On the upside, Reed and Kinski both play their parts to perfection.  Mind you, depending on how much of their personal history you believe, these roles are pretty much their actual personalities!  Plus, I'll never complain about a surprise Michael Gough cameo.  If you like these kind of thrillers, this will please you.  If you like scarier stuff, look elsewhere.

Next up, Forgotten Sequels returns with a story 20+ years in the making.  Will it be worth the wait or just leave you wanting an axe to the face?  Stay tuned...