Rare Flix: Rubin & Ed

The original Napoleon Dynamite.  Today's Film is Rubin & Ed, a 1991 Film Starring Crispin Glover.  It is not that well-known, but it sure is weird!  The Story is about two men- guess their names- who have nothing in common, but find a bond between them.  Actually, they don't like each other one bit.  Regardless, they go on a journey to the Desert and come back changed.  The Film was Written and Directed by Trent Harris, a man you'd know from...well, probably nothing.  He's done 9 Films, but I doubt that most of you would know them.  Sorry, Trent.  The Film is most notable for featuring Crispin Glover on Letterman as the Character in 1987.  Nine out of ten people that have seen the Clip- which was even featured during Letterman's final run on the Show- likely have no idea that there was a reason for it.  Crispin Glover isn't crazy, he was...actually, he may still be crazy.  He at least had a reason for what he did, even if the Film was delayed quite a bit, making his appearance seem all the stranger.  Is this one actually any good?  To find out, read on...

Ed has led a rough, but boring life.  He joins a group that sells Real Estate in order to prove his worth to his ex-wife (Karen Black).

Rubin is a weirdo.  I mean, do you need me to say that after you see the picture?

Rubin and Ed meet up, but the former tricks the latter into driving out into the Desert to bury his cat.  He's kept it frozen for about a week, since he doesn't have a car.

Their journey is not a good one, as they run out of gas, have to survive the heat and are lost for a long time.

They continue to not get along, as Rubin is kind of a dick.  On top of that, he does things like drinking the sweat left in his shoe or the water that was once the ice keeping his dead cat defrosted.

He's still better than Divine though.

They eventually run into the ex-wife and Ed manages to stand up for himself around her.

Before they return for the Meeting that Ed has been recruiting for, they do a little bit of work on the company car that they had been using.

It all comes to a head at the Meeting as Ed realizes that he doesn't need pointless slogans to prove his self-worth.  He leaves with Rubin and things don't end well for his former Boss.

Curiously, the Film is dedicated to Peter Boyle, who was originally in the Hessman part before something came up.  I guess it was an amicable thing.  The End.

Odd, odd stuff.  What else can you say?  A social outcast tricks a poor, middle-aged man into driving him to the Desert to bury his cat.  He's only doing so since his Mother took away his boom box until he would do so.  He doesn't have any aspirations.  He doesn't have any goals.  He's just odd.  I suppose that there is nothing wrong with that, as long as he has something to aim for.  He doesn't, well not really.  He's kind of hard to relate to, if I'm being honest.  He has some moments where he does seem to be a real person, so that's nice.  He's mostly just a bizarre person who takes pleasure in seeing Ed unhappy.  It is hard to argue that this isn't a really daring performance- it just doesn't mean that I have to like him all that much.  The Film has a measured pace, which is probably not going to work for everyone.  All in all, it is a pretty good, if surreal Film.  If you like off-beat humor and stuff like John Waters Films, this is for you.  If you like your humor to be conventional and 'by the book,' this is not for you.  I'll leave you with the reason why this will all look familiar now...

Next up, a trip back in time to a WWII-related Horror Film.  An iconic Actor is back in his iconic Role, even if copyright law requires a name change.  Stay tuned...

Forgotten Sequels: It's Alive III- Island of the Alive

A Film so forgotten that even I forgot to get around to reviewing it!  Today's Film is It's Alive III: Island of the Alive, the final part in the Series (until the Remake).  In the previous Films, we saw the birth of the first 'monster baby' and its killing spree.  In Part 2, we saw a trio of 'monster babies' born and the follow-up to the public response.  In this one, we will see a much clearer sign of how society has reacted to the rash of random 'monster babies' being born to unsuspecting families.  The focal point is Michael Moriarty, a regular of Larry Cohen Films.  He tried to avoid an Aztec God, tried to investigate the mysterious 'Stuff',' battled some returning Vampires and finally became a killer himself- all in Larry Cohen Films.  While he has a great Resume, it is still a shame that he hasn't done more, especially considering how good he is in this Film.  He's the dad of the most recent 'monster baby' and he is fighting for their rights.  Should they be killed on sight?  Should they be allowed to live?  This Film handles this issue- and some not so subtle AIDS metaphors- and more.  Does it deserve better than to be so forgotten?  To find out, read on...

In the Cold Open, a baby is born in a Cab...but it is a 'monster baby' and is shot on sight by a Cop!

Following that, Moriarty is in a Courtroom fighting for his 'monster' son's life.  They try to get him to act scared of it, proving that it is a threat.  He proves otherwise and makes a compelling speech, leading the Judge to order the living babies taken to a remote island.

He tracks down his ex-wife (who fled after the birth)- played by Karen Black- and finds her unwilling to meet the kid.

He later hooks up with a lady at the Pier, who freaks out when she finds out his identity.  She thinks that he can infect her with whatever causes the 'monster babies' to be born.  Subtle?

The babies end up on the titular Island and settle in, but only after they kill a bunch of folks that land there.  Housewarming party, I guess.

In the ensuing 5 years, Moriarty has a book written about his case without his permission, while the Story dies down (with no murders or births).  He turns into the most sarcastic/sardonic person possibly ever- even making 'monster baby' jokes to people at a Party.

He also jokes about how people 'wouldn't want me handling their food.'  Too subtle?

He is taken out of his slump by an offer to go to the titular Island and try to reconnect with/study them.  Blurry Vision is back!

The group on the island- save for Moriarty- are killed and the boat is taken for a trip back to the mainland.  We learn that the creatures can reproduce in 5 years and apparently have telepathy.

They eventually dump Moriarty and he ends up in Cuba.  Awk-ward.

They both make it back as Moriarty's 'monster toddler' is after Black as well, with his spawn in tow.

The Cops kill all of the 'monster toddlers' (after some other killings), but the reunited couple of Black and Moriarty get away with their, well, 'monster grandson.'  The End.

Honestly, this one is kind of my favorite.  Is it weird to like the third film in a series more than the rest?  You could cite The Lord of the Rings: The Return of the King, I suppose.  You couldn't, in contrast, cite Jaw-s 3D.  It certainly wouldn't be Films like Superman III, Children of the Corn III or The Scorpion King 3.  Hell, even in a big Series like Star Wars, the most divisive of the original Trilogy is The Return of the Jedi.  In spite of that, this one is the most fun and crazy of the three Films.  I honestly don't think that there is a *bad* Film in the Trilogy either though.  This one benefits from two previous Films to build up the ideas and just let them play.  You get no twist and quirks to the mythos (as it were) like seeing them grown up (a bit) and giving them new powers.  Does it make sense?  Not really.  To be fair, they don't lay all of this out in a scientific/serious way either, so it isn't like introducing something like, say, midichlorians.  Why are there 'monster babies' being born?  Dunno.  Why are they born to certain people?  Dunno.  They just are and that's alright.  Moriarty is the real Star here, playing a guy who just kind of lashes out at society for treating like they do, but also managing to stay likable.  He has a reason for his behavior and not everyone hates him for it.  If he was just this jerk that nobody liked, I couldn't root for him.  He covers all of the emotional bases here, which is a sight to see.  If you like movies like this, you really need to track this down.  Can we get a nice, new release of this Trilogy from someone like Anchor Bay?  Thanks.  In the meantime, enjoy this side-by-side comparison of this Film to a far worse one...

Next up, I tackle the 2008 Remake.  Will it hold up like Cohen's Films or just be 'another terrible Horror Remake?'  Stay tuned...

The Human Buffet: Cut & Run

It's time for the...oddly-different finale!  Today's film is Cut & Run, which is the final part of the Cannibal Trilogy from Ruggero Deodato.  In the time since Cannibal Holocaust, Ruggero has faced critical scrutiny, backlash from the U.K. and actual murder charges.  To help the 'viral marketing' of the film, he made the leads sign waiver saying that they would stay out of the public eye for a full year.  Gee, why does this sound familiar?  When pressed on it, he had to finally make them come forth and he also had to show in Court how the 'impaling' effect was done.  Wouldn't you just love to see that reenactment?  After that gap, he finally got this film made.  The film is practically a 'Who's who?' of Italian Cinema too.  The Director of Cannibal Holocaust, the lead man behind the Suspiria soundtrack, the Co-Writer of Demons, the Co-Writer of Slave of the Cannibal God, Jafar from Sinbad of the Seven Seas & Kadar and Dirtmaster from The Barbarians.  Granted- there's a quality drop near the end, but you get my point.  The bottom line: you've got Richard Lynch, Michael Berryman, Karen Black and John Steiner in one film.  Do I need to say any more?  Well, just in case, here's the review...

In a great opening, a group of Natives and Michael Berryman go all Splinter Cell and take out a bunch of drug producers in the Jungle.  This leads to an interesting issue with the U.S. DVD...

There are apparently two versions of this film: an R-Rated version (for the U.S. and U.K.) and an Unrated one (for the rest of Europe and Japan).

Following this scene, we see our intrepid Reporter leads set up a drug bust...only to find all of the people killed.  Guess which version of the scene is on the U.S. DVD...

Naturally, all of this relates to...Jim Jones?  Yeah, they go looking for a Lieutenant of his that is somehow alive in Central America.  I just love the way they mix the real and Stock Footage.

As a bonus, the man standing next to the man (Lynch) is the Director.  Holy Hitchcock Cameo, Batman!

Speaking of weird cameos, the Reporters get a lead on how to find the man courtesy of a Pimp...played by Eriq LaSalle.  You're a long way from E.R. still, I see.

Anyhow, they are also looking for the son of some rich guy- on the right- who is being held captive by 'Jafar' here.  He's not holding him for ransom- he's just using him to help pack the drugs.

The plots collide as Lynch's men- which includes Berryman- attacks the site and our heroes end up in his hand.

Things take a turn for the weirder when an attack on Lynch's camp is thwarted, but the man is injured.  The next day, he makes the pair film him...as he orders his lead man to decapitate him on the air.  Cue freak out!

In a tonal shift, the man and his son are reunited happily.  I don't think the blood has dried yet, guys.

In a bit right out of Live and Let Die (great film), Berryman sneaks on board the plane (not train) to try and steal the kill.  He fails.  The End.

It's a weird finale, to say the least.  The plot of this movie is good, but a bit scattershot.  It tells the tale of the young man and a woman trying to escape the dealers, the Reporters trying to find Lynch, the Reporters also trying to find the young man and Lynch's strange, master plan.  Is that enough story for you?  Getting past that, the movie has some good action, good Acting (overall) and sounds great.  I can't hate on Claudio Simonetti- sorry.  The best part is that everyone here is used in the best way possible.  Willie Aames (as the young man) is not that great of an Actor per se, but he looks naive, innocent and scared here.  Of course, it could be that Deodato really just dumped him out in the Jungle- he'd do it.  I love Steiner, Lynch, Berryman and the rest here.  Hell, I even kind of like Karen Black, something I almost never do.  It's an interesting film and stands out on its own.  It's not as great as Holocaust, but does some different stuff.  You should really give it a try, this silly shirt aside...

Next up, it's taken me over two years, but I'm finally going to do House III.  Will I regret leaving it in my Queue for all this time or will my hesitance be well-founded?  Stay tuned...

Vampires Suck?: Children of the Night

Surprisingly, the Fangoria-produced film is gory and full of monsters- who'd have guessed?!?  

In all seriousness, this 1991 film was Produced by Fangoria.  I guess it's simpler to just make your own movie to talk about in your magazine if you need material.  I suppose it could have been that they were just unhappy with a perceived lack of 'quality' films too.  

So, what kind of movie does a horror magazine put together?  Well, it's got lots of Vampires- obviously-, lots of gore- naturally- and a comedic, Vampire Grandma.  You want to run that last one by me again?  

The other thing about this movie is its odd obsession with off-the-wall humor.  Don't get me wrong- I love a bizarre laugh.  It just seems a bit out of place here, especially given the darker tone of the whole events.  That's what we have here though- an odd horror-comedy.  

As a bonus, it plays with Vampire lore and rules a lot because, well, I don't know why.  It makes for interesting visuals though, I suppose.  

The film has some interesting 'star power' in the form of SNL's Garrett Morris, Karen Black and Peter DeLuise (son of Dom).  To find out what all of this amounts to, read on...

The film begins with some teenage girls doing the natural thing to rebel- smoking cigarettes in a water-filled crypt.  

Who didn't do that as a kid?

Unfortunately, they are not alone, as they accidentally awaken a vampire that's been resting there...in the water...by dropping a cross on his face.  

Yeah, this one starts out weird!

It jumps ahead some vague amount of time to show DeLuise teaching a girl to read...with horror stories.  

Instead of focusing on that, the movie focuses on the mother's 'Glasgow Smile.' 

It's not clear why it's important and, in fact, she never shows up again, so what was the big deal here?

DeLuise comes home with his Priest friend, only to find that he's housing the Vampire Girl and her mother- Karen Black, in full plastic surgery mode- & had a conflict of faith. 

 Ya think?!?

Vampire Grandma- a sight to be seen.  

It doesn't make the movie great, but it makes it interesting.

This kid is a horrible actor.  I just feel like I have to say that.  

Fangoria is odd enough to give him lots of dialog in a key scene.  

Brilliant.

The Vampire Girl 'does a face turn,' kills her mother (less nice) and helps our heroine battle this Radu-wannabe.  

To be fair, the films came out pretty close together.  

Plus, who else besides me and Obscurus Lupa has actually seen the Subspecies films?

After a lot of action and silliness, the lead Vampire is taken out by a flying Bible truck and the cross strapped to it.  No, really.

How can this get any sillier...

...okay, that does it.  

Yes, this Fangoria-produced film gets really schmaltzy in the End.

On top of that cheesiness, all of the people who didn't get killed turn back to normal when 'Radu' is killed.

Yes, this is in some Vampire lore, but it's also kind of a cop-out.  Even our heroes seem confused by it.  The End.

So, um, what was the logic behind most of this?  I don't hate this movie, but the changes to Vampire lore are just weird.  

Aquatic Vampires?  I mean, I've seen Aquatic Zombies, but that's a different story.  

I can accept the changes, honestly, but I know that a lot of people won't.  It's just weird.  Speaking of weird, the humor is odd and random.  

Again- it's something that is going to be jarring for a lot of people.  Does the film get points for trying new stuff?  Sure.  

To me, it's a bunch of silly gimmicks designed to hold a pretty basic plot in place.  

I would have liked to see more derivation in the plot, but it's still not awful.  If you want to see a decent Vampire film which tries some new stuff- for better or for worse-, you should give this one a look.  

Hey, even Silver Surfer is here (kind of) ...

Next up, a recent film that takes a simple plot and pretends to be Quentin Tarantino.  If you can't make a good movie, don't try to copy someone else's!  Stay tuned...

Starch Overload: Children of the Corn- The Gathering

Are you ready...for something completely unrelated to everything else?  This movie is odd for a lot of reasons.  As I've mentioned in the last couple of reviews, I consider the first film to be a Trilogy of sorts.  At some point, Dimension and Miramax picked up the franchise and took over.  

What came about is a film that wants to be part of the series, but really has no right to be.  It has some mind-controlled kids and a Cornfield, but no reference to He Who Walks Behind the Rows (in the official release), no actual evil kid (more on that later) and it's not even related to Gatlin.  

Remember that Dracula film about a different Vampire in Romania?  No, because that's a stupid idea.

In terms of continuity, this is the Friday the 13th: A New Beginning of the series. Is it that bad in terms of actual quality?  

Well, before we get to that, you should know that Naomi Watts is in this movie.  That is all.  To find out more, read on...

Naomi Watts is a young lady who comes home to help her Mother out, not really knowing that an evil force is lingering about...

This evil kid spirit begins to start killing people- since modern horror films can't go 15 minutes without a death scene- and does some vaguely-evil stuff to make his plan work.

Around this time, all of the kids in town get sick.  I should mention that Karen Black is her Mom and she has a very, very young sister.  

Age is a bit confusing here, folks.

As it turns out, the evil kid spirit has taken control of the kids in town.  They make the mistake of mixing science into the plot, however, as Watts discovers that the kids' blood samples include dead tissue (meaning that of the evil spirit kid).

Go ahead, explain that!

Sparing you the slew of random, pointless kills, I'll instead jump to this film's silly explanation of a plot.

Basically, a kid was made into a Preacher and fed Mercury to keep him small.  He went crazy, killed the Preachers and was burned to death.  Now, for some reason, he can come back.  Oh yeah, his weakness is Mercury.

The controlled kids do a Ceremony where they drip blood into a bathtub and the evil kid spirit is now, um, just an evil kid, I guess.

However, Watts and company take him out by putting Mercury in a water tank and dousing him with it.  

You gave the 'Wicked Witch of the West' then?  That's a bit disappointing.  The End.

Evil is random and doesn't relate to anything.  What does this movie have to do with anything exactly?  Why is this a Children of the Corn film?  The kid doesn't come from the Cornfield, live in the Cornfield or even have 'magic corn powers.'  What is this movie?  Like I said before, this is basically a pretender to the series made by Dimension/Miramax to make a quick buck.  

Fun fact: This film excises the number from the title, but it would be back for the 5th film.  Numbers get more confusing as the series just seems to jump ahead another 660 films to make the follow-up, which then led to the series no longer using numbers.  

This is what I deal with on a weekly basis, people!  

Back to this film, it has some odd pacing to it.  As mentioned before, it's chock full of bloody and pointless death scenes.  All of the films are, mind you, but this one seems even less subtle about it.  It's almost like an unseen clock is always ticking and once it nears thirteen minutes, someone has to die!  The film is just a weird, shallow mess. 

 Have you ever seen a villain taken down by a chemical like Mercury in a film after, say, 1962?  It's just...well, odd.  Take us away, really rubber-like blood on the ground...

Next up, we breach the halfway point in the series.  The fifth film is notable for its guest stars and one actress who really wants you not to see the film.  Stay tuned...