Poor Bastards of Cinema: Terror at London Bridge (aka Bridge Across Time)

This is a weird Film, so it needs a brief recap for context...

- The London Bridge was rebuilt (for real) in Arizona.
- Jack the Ripper was killed on said Bridge (not real) and comes back when someone bleeds on the same block he touched during his fall (also not real).
- David Hasselhoff is the only one who can stop him!

For the climax, he goes back to the *real* fake Village built around said Bridge to stop his last kill.
He leaves his lady (and the Town Librarian) with his Partner.

He looks around for 'Jack' and also wonders where the Night Security Guard is.

...and he's dead.

This *should* be a bigger deal, since Jack needed one more kill to jump back in Time (or something).

However, this one doesn't count, since, I don't know, it's a guy...maybe.

So, to sum up, a guy was killed for just doing his job.  As a double-whammy, as a Security Guard, he doesn't get the 'rub' for being a Cop.

He just gets killed like they do in these Films AND didn't get to get out of Parking Tickets too!

The moral: clearly it is avoid Bridges.  It doesn't end well for ANYONE in this Film.

Rare Flix: Terror at London Bridge! (aka Bridge Across Time)

A thank you to Obscurus Lupa for bringing this Movie into my life!  This is 1985's Terror at London Bridge, an NBC Movie-of-the-Week.  Why is it worth resurrecting after 30+ years?  Well, first things first- its Star is David Hasselhoff.  I could end the hype right there...but I won't.  The Plot is bonkers.  So, follow me here, you know Jack the Ripper.  Did you know that he was actually killed in 1888?  Yep, he sure was and it happened at London Bridge.  Nearly 100 years later, a magic effect brings him back...in Arizona.  So this requires a quick history lesson for those not informed on the comings and goings of famous Bridges.  In 1962, the Bridge was deemed 'not safe enough for travel.'  So, naturally, a rich guy in Arizona bought the Bridge for his 'City of London' by Lake Havasu.  That brings us to 1985 and the return of Saucy Jack at the same Bridge.  Can the Hoff stop the Ripper?  Can you get enough '80s hair?  Can you stop laughing at the premise?  To find out, read on...

In 1888, Jack is chased by a mob (after tossing a man like he's Andre the Giant) and shot, falling to his death from the London Bridge, loosing a stone in the process.

In the Present Day (of 1985), the final brick is restored and this lady bleeds on it (after somehow grazing a piece of a scaffold), which brings Jack back to life.

Of course, it is not clear why it brings him back in way shape or form, so...um...moving on...

When the body is found, the Mayor won't close the Beach...I mean, the Village and blames it on a transient.  Enter the Hoff to smolder him into doing the right thing!

At the same time, this man shows up and is properly-creepy...and also British.

His name should be Red Herring, but it is probably more like Spotted Dick.

In the B-Plot, Current and future Detective Hasselhoff is courting the lady who runs a Boat Service.

In a bit that was possibly-stolen by Die Hard, his backstory involves him killing a kid.  Break out that Emmy, dammit!

As the killings increase and time passes in a vague manner (seriously, the Film takes place over like 2 months with no time cards), Hoff makes his big thesis- the killer is the real Jack.

To the Film's credit, nobody accepts his logic (even if he's right).  Touché, Film.

Shockingly, the guy who was also British and wasn't a fake evil guy is actually Jack.  He needs to kill one more person to make the stone send him...back to England.

First off, huh?!?!?
Second, they know you are the killer, so why would you go back?!?
Third, you already killed a Guard.  Why not use his blood?

Hoff fights Jack and loses pretty soundly the first time.  He takes Hoff's girlfriend up to kill her, but Hoff returns.

For some reason, he decides to toss him over the side of Bridge like it is the Royal Rumble Match!

Of course, Hoff hangs on (but doesn't skin the cat) and shoots Jack, getting over his fear of shooting.

The Movie goes full circle with Jack falling to his death...again and taking the brick too.  Sequel Bait?  The End.

A fun, silly affair.  To be fair to the Film right off the bat, it plays things straight.  Thank Xenu they do too, since the Movie is all the funnier for it!  The Setting- Arizona Tourist Trap- is not rife for Horror or Thrills.  They try to manufacture it by having a 'House of Horrors' Gift Shop, but that's obviously not enough.  The Story is silly as hell.  Why involve Magic?  Why involve Time Travel?  There are a number of ways to make a good, but forgettable Film based on the London Bridge in Arizona...if one is so inclined.  In the short term, that would have been better.  Granted- it worked out well in the long term, since it inspired someone to Review it in 2020 and then inspired me to rip them off by also covering it to.  In my defense, Obscurus Lupa indirectly led me to Roller Gator, so she earned this!  The Film is super cheesy and clearly confined by the setting.  It is a nice travelogue for the place, I suppose, but the Film just lacks atmosphere.  They have to constantly cheat to not show you stuff that would ruin the tension even more, which is kind of funny.  If you can get past the silly Plot, they play it straight enough to enjoy as good old, American now that we bought it cheese.  Case in point: Jack stalks the Funeral for one victim (which takes place in broad daylight on a Golf Course!) and...nobody sees him.  I mean...really?!?

Next up, I need to do some more stuff about women.  How about this Movie about a Witch that isn't spelled with two 'Vs' for some reason?  Stay tuned...

All For One Week: Ring of the Musketeers

All for one and one for this obscure little film!  Today's film is Ring of the Musketeers, a film with a somewhat convoluted origin.  You see, this adaptation of a famous French novel started out as a German TV Mini-Series.  No, really.  In hindsight, it does explain why one of the Musketeers is played by Thomas Gottschalk.  It also adds fuel to the fire of that old chestnut 'Germans love David Hasselhoff.'  The story is...interesting, as it really feels like a Mini-Series when you really look at it.  If you're like me and only found this fact out *after* you watched the movie, it seems a bit odd.  It's a Modern-Day tale that has the Musketeers stopping urban terrorists in Los Angeles.  Yes, this German-Adaptation of a French story is set in America.  I'll give you a minute to put your jaws back in place.  Now that you're back with me, I want to mention a bit more about the cast.  It features 'The Hoff,' Corbin Bernsen and Cheech Marin.  Yeah, that Cheech Marin.  To find out how silly this thing is, read on...

In 1988, a new group of Musketeers- including Hoff, this lady and this German guy- are led by John Rhys-Davies to right the wrongs of the day.

In this case, it's rescuing a young boy who was kidnapped as part of a plan to make a guy crash a plane.  Ah, Pre-9/11 films, you're so refreshing!

When our heroes find out where the kid is, they come up with an elaborate rescue plan that involves...having Hasselhoff play a song in front of the building, which will draw a crowd and, subsequently, the Cops.

Yeah, there was clearly NO other way to do that.

The group is surprised when the fourth ring (D'Artagnan's...I guess) ends up in the hands of a robber (Marin).  Rather than just give it back to the owner/presumed Musketeer, they just go 'Okay, it's destiny that you're a Musketeer.'

Holy random chance, Batman!  Hasselhoff (future star of Baywatch) shares a scene with Timothy Stack (future star of Son of the Beach).

The original star meeting the parody's star- what are the odds of that?!?

Around the halfway mark, our heroes get closer to the villain- who they've already foiled once- by way of Bernsen aka the female Musketeer's ex-husband.  If you don't call him being the villain, then you need to retake Film Cliches 101.

Sure enough, he is.  After inadvertently helping him, they chase him and he tries to commit a murder-suicide with the ex-wife, but only ends up with a suicide.  Tough break, Dentist.

After stopping the villain's scheme, our heroes do nothing as the man's mobster father plans to kill him.  Hurray for indirect murder!

Our heroes win the day and officially induct Marin as the Fourth Musketeer.  This face says it all 'I'm funny, right?'  The End.

Well, some things can stay obscure and I won't make a big fuss about it.  In all fairness, this is pure, silly entertainment.  The film does not try to create much drama, which works in its favor.  That said- it is stupid as hell.  On the plus side, it's technically a Foreign film, so it helps me pass the blame.  In the grand scheme of things, the Germans have done far worse than this movie.  Obviously, I'm talking about Rammbock.  Seriously, this is pure fluff- goofy Acting, goofy Writing and just all around goofy.  You'll see pointless flipping, people falling over and random drama showing up.  The film is not serious, so scenes of the characters bemoaning how they couldn't save a witness.  When you're dressed in a shiny, leopard print top, you are not allowed to be serious!  For pure, silly entertainment, you can't do wrong with this movie.  In every other way, it fails miserably.  It does, however, give us a great snapshot of '90s fashion though...

Next up, I wrap up the week with a film that everyone I know hates.  Will more wires make a better Musketeer film?  Stay tuned...

1,100th Post Special!!!!: Gridlock (1996)

Consider this the one present you can open up on Christmas Eve.  Thanks for sticking with me!

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For this slightly-big anniversary, I bring you an obscure most notable for its casting.  Never heard of Gridlock?  Join the club!  This Made-For-TV film was made in 1996 and got the cheapest DVD release imaginable.  Okay, that's not entirely true- it does have a Menu screen.  Sure, it just says 'Play' and 'Chapters,' but it counts...dammit!  So why is it being featured here?  The cast- pure and simple.  This movie stars two titans of the film industry (especially the action genre): David Haselhoff and Cathy Ireland.  Before you run off to buy the movie, read the review.  I know it will be hard, but hold yourself back.  Get out your silent helicopters for my review of...

The film begins with Hasselhoff breaking up a hostage situation, defying his boss along the way.  Seen it.  The result of this is that he's pulled off-duty in the Helicopter Squad and placed behind a desk.  Incidentally, what exactly is the point of the Squad, since they don't monitor traffic or anything.  You just need a B-Movie Actor to be able to land anywhere?  He goes home, only to have a fight with his girlfriend (Ireland).  This is *attempting* to be dramatic and all, but this is also their first scene together.  There is no drama without context, guys!  He goes into work the next day and meets up with his boss, who's also his dad.  That's...amazingly-convenient.

Speaking of convenient, Ireland is a tour guide at the Federal Reserve Building.  I wonder where this is going?  The movie also shows when it was made by having the gang refer to themselves only as numbers.  Gee, that's not like Resevoir Dogs at all!  Through an elaborate series of silly events, they manage to break in and take out all the security.  Outside, they set off a series of badly-CGed-in bombs on the major bridges near NYC.  Too soon?  Hasselhoff defies orders and goes to see his lady, only to see her run onto the roof before being caught.  He tries to call in for help, but his boss (the guy from before) blows him off.  Time to go in alone, 'Hoff!

Immediately upon entering, he is nearly caught by a guy and runs away.  My hero.  He's doing this from the same guy who was beaten up by Ireland earlier, allowing her to escape.  That's sad, 'Hoff!  He escapes via a stunt they stole from Jackie Chan's Who Am I? and goes back in at the ground level.  I'm amazed at how pointless that was- thank you.  Despite not knowing the way, he runs into Ireland, leading to an accidental karate fight between the two.  Good job, obvious stunt-men.  They pretty much just wander around, occasionally being shot at and/or running.  I just love holding patterns- don't you?

Finally, the movie reaches it's climax as Ireland is captured and we get some dramatic running/shooting.  The villains escape the building via a hole in the wall that connects to the Highway.  I don't know- just go with it!  In a Deus Ex Machine, Hasselhoff teams up with his recently-fired dad and a friend to fly a helicopter in pursuit.  He manages to pull off the back of the truck with the helicopter's magnet and punches out the old man who is our new villain.  Yeah, they kill off the original villain for no clear reason at around the hour mark or so.  As it turns out, a businessman set the whole thing up.  In addition, the jerk boss was also in on it, providing a reason for him to be an asshole this whole time.  Oh yeah, the hostage situation reignites the love between 'Hoff and Ireland.  Thank God!  The End.

This movie sucks- but you had to know that!  The plot is...well, Die Hard.  It's not Christmas and 'Hoff is not Willis, but the point is still clear.  The movie does so little to disguise this fact too, even having dramatic scenes built around the group's hacker getting past the automated locks.  Yeah, you're fooling nobody.  The acting is...well, the movie stars 'Hoff and Ireland.  Do I even need to explain why they suck?  They can't act, fight or even look all that effective at running.  The poor guys who plays the villainous henchmen have to pull the real weight.  Of course, they're not really all that good either.  It's a sub-par, Made-For-TV action film.  If it were to feature two different actors, I wouldn't care.  Enjoy this brief bit of notoriety, Gridlock- it won't last.  See you in another 100 posts.