Poor Bastards of Cinema: Timebomb

 An induction that I've gone back and forth on.
Are they Poor Bastards of Cinema if they aren't good people?

In this case, I'm going with 'Yes.'

In Timebomb, a man who was programmed as a deep cover Agent is accidentally-reactivated and targeted for his knowledge.

Him and the Psychiatrist are attacked in broad daylight and flee into a Theater.
A Daytime Porno Theater.

They try to hide out, but, sadly, there are people in it.

Insert Pee Wee Herman Joke here.

Of course, the bad guys- which include Billy Blanks!- shoot up the place, killing the patrons.

I feel bad...but only a little bit.

They continue to flee from the shooters, joined by another Patron.

Pro-Tip: if they are shooting at the other people, don't follow them.

See...this happens when you do.

So he's dead.

The moral: watch Porn at home like a normal creep.  It's safer.

That was an icky one, no?

Next time, an American hangs out abroad.  What could go wrong?  See you then...

Tubi Thursday: Timebomb (1991)

 After Doppelganger and Savage, I was in the mood for some more Avi Nesher.

Will this one make more or less sense?

A mild-mannered man- Michael Biehn- works at a Watch/Clock Repair Shop.

Things change when a fire breaks out next door and he rushes to save someone, getting his face on TV.

This guy- who FYI was calling a Phone Sex Line when he saw the News- calls his superiors and says that 'Eddy Kay is alive.'

Time to kill him...for some reason that has nothing to do with Chekhov's Broadcast about the future D.A. being in Town.

They send in a bunch of people to kill him, but they try at first to make it look like an accident, so the Film manages to reach 90 minutes.

FYI these guys are all named Mr. Black, Mr. White, etc.  This was made *before* Reservoir Dogs. 

He remembers the woman he met earlier who happens to be a Psychologist.  

Like Savage, a poor woman is dragged into this nonsense.

She helps him uncover the confusing truth.  I'll try to summarize...

Something involving Vietnam Vets and mind-control to make them assassins.
It involves lots of tubes, nodules and hologram.

Fun?

Can she help him break out of his programming in time to save some lives?

Will he be the Hero that hew as always meant to be?
Will this Film called Timebomb actually revolve around a timebomb in any meaningful way?

To find out, stream it in glorious HD.  Yes, THIS got a Blu-Ray release.

It's not great.  Is that a surprise after his previous Films though.

The Plot could be interesting.  Granted- it wouldn't be unique.  It's a little bit The Bourne Identity, a little bit Universal Soldier and even has a dash of The Terminator thrown in.  Sadly, it's not the 'cool killer robot' part.

Michael Biehn and a poor young woman are being chased by those that want to kill them.  Unlike that classic Film, they are trying to kill him instead of her.  When you cast the same guy, I'm going to get the same vibe.

The big problem is that they drag out the reveal and throw in the crazy freak-outs (like in Doppelganger and Savage).  Like my first experience with him recently, it can't just tell you a crazy story in order.  It's almost ashamed of its key Plot Points and wants you to get fully-invested before you learn them.  Insert Scientology Joke Here.

In better hands, Timebomb could be/has been a better Film.  It has crazy, silly Action at times, so its never boring.  Speaking of 'Bo,' one of the bad guys is played by a man who would be more known for something else...

It's not the worst '90s Action Film out there.  It's just so oddly-paced and shy about its Plot that you might zone out before it bothers to share it.

Poor Bastards of Cinema: Savage (1995) [Part 2]

 Another Poor Bastard- and not just for being in 1995's Savage.

As you might recall, our Hero joins forces (eventually) with a Policewoman (Carey Grant's Daughter) to solve the mystery.

Before that, she just happens to go to the same Club that he does- she brings her once-mentioned friend too.

The bad guy sends in his henchmen to take out the titular Savage.

A shoot-out in a Nightclub- what a novel concept.

As you can imagine, this goes poorly for everyone but our Main Characters...

This includes these random Bartender Ladies, who are officially on the worst Shift ever, and...

Our Heroine's friend.

No, I didn't see that coming from 20,000 miles away.

Her death is mentioned once again near the end, but she's still a pretty clear Poor Bastard.  If she was not here, would the Plot have changed in any way?

Also those poor Bartenders.

The lesson- avoid people with the kind of haircut that our 'Savage' has.  It ends badly 100% of the time.

Next time, a random victim- this time from the 1930s.  This bites!  See you then...

Poor Bastards of Cinema: Savage (1995) {Part 1}

 A Film so pretentious and also stupid is going to have some collateral damage.

In Savage, our Hero is wandering around confused (that's about half of the Film) and uses a VR Phone Booth thing in this totally-normal Present Day (of 1995) setting.

Some bikers come looking for him and a fight ensues, wrecking the surrounding Magazine Stand.

You know, those totally normal Magazine Stand/VR Booths you see daily.

This poor guy sees his place wrecked AND loses some sunglasses to our Hero.

Not a Poor Bastard yet though.

A bit later, the bad guy sends his Henchman to get some information...

…and that guy kills him.

Was that necessary?

In summary, this Poor Bastard was just running a 'normal' business that got wrecked due to our Hero being there.

After that, he was killed by more bad guys due to him being there.

The lesson: play VR at home- you'll save a life!

Next time, it appears that our Hero learned ZERO lessons as he went right to a Nightclub.  This...won't be pretty.  Stay tuned...

'90s Trash: Savage (1995)

 Can Avi Nesher make a worse Film than Doppelganger?   Is that really a question that needed answering?!?

His 1995 Film called Savage is notable for being Co-Written (or fully Written) by NPR's Peter Sagal.  He talks about it here.  

The Plot is a big old mess involving murder, people remembering that they used to be a Caveman, VR Games, a famous Actor's Daughter and Aliens.  Do I need to say more?

This is...

A man- French Kickboxer Olivier Gruner- is living happily with his wife and son...until someone kills them.

If you're wondering why he's not killed, um...reasons?

It's now 2 years later and he's been comatose in a Psych Ward the whole time...until a TV plays someone singing 'Amazing Grace' and he escapes.

FYI this becomes the Theme Song of the Film, with at least 3 different versions.  The Soundtrack Album must be epic!

He runs out into the Desert (which is near the Los Angeles-based Hospital?) and ends up in a Cave.

He sees paintings of Cavemen with marks on themselves, a laser light show, briefly morphs into a Cro-Magnon for like a second, gets a matching mark and leaves.

All caught up on the Plot so far? 

He ends up in the City now and across from a young Cop- Cary Grant's Daughter (he had her at 60)- who nobody respects.

Our guy escapes from holding and back into the City...but now with an awful haircut 'inspired by Don Mattingly on The Simpsons.'

I should mention that this Film is set in the fictional Present.

So he goes to a VR Booth to play a game by the evil Corporation that killed his family.  Oh right- we don't know that last part yet.

Why did they do it?

Well, this guy on the right is trying to activate some sort of alien tech, so the Creators summon 'a Savage' (I guess that was the freak out in the Desert?) to stop him.

This lady in the middle knows nothing and is first seen fully-naked having sex.  Classy.

His Henchmen is the Racist Neighbor from Raising Arizona.

The man activates some sort of device to do...something with lasers.  Hey, if they don't know, I don't know!

Can the Savage stop them with his ability to super-leap and ineffectively throat bite people?

He does so by...smashing the device with a rock.  Hey- he had to jump over a small pit filled with fire too.

The Aliens- just drink them in, folks!- thank him...and the place blows up.

You're welcome...assholes!

Grant drives away and, I guess, sees him miles away in the distance.

See the future adventures of The Savage in...nothing.  Nothing at all.

The End.

In case you couldn't tell, this one is a mess!  It's the kind of Bad Movie that is not only silly and ridiculous, but also pretty incomprehensible.

If you tell me a terrible Story, at least do it in order and with context!  The 'Savage' stuff is not explained until at least halfway in.  The reason for them killing Gruner's family comes even later (their farmland included the Cave).  The Villain's Plot is never quite explained- something to do with ascending- and they even include the Lady Executive to be told everything as our Audience Proxy.  For some reason, they STILL can't make the Plot clear until the end!

Gruner is not great in this role.  Sagal talks about how he was given one clear direction- don't include the letter 'R' in his dialog (since he pronounces that letter differently with his accent).  Fun stuff.

If you enjoy sheer insanity and don't expect to know what is going on, check this one out.  For the more picky Bad Movie Connoisseur, avoid this one.  Hey look- E. Honda from Street Fighter is here!

Next time, I segue from Cavemen and Aliens to Werewolves.  See what Twilight was before Twilight was a thing.  Stay tuned...

Tubi Thursday: Doppelganger (1993)

 It's part one of a double-bill by the Director, so keep an eye out.

First up, we have Avi Nesher's '90s opus that said 'What if Single White Female was just ridiculous?'  This is...

A young woman- Drew Barrymore- shows up and kills a woman who was talking loudly about 'getting rid of her' behind the door.

She kills her.

Now this same young woman is...not a killer?

Confused?

You won't be...and then you will be again.

She moves in with a young man- future Superman Voice Actor George Newbern- who's a slightly-failing Screenwriter.  He's 'Patrick Highsmith,' which is Nesher's play on Patricia Highsmith, a successful Author.

For his next few Films, he'd Credit himself as this same name.

Not Avi Nesher here learns more and more about Barrymore's family life, like the fact that her brother may have killed her Dad or that the Police think that she killed her Mom (like we saw).

Since I couldn't find the shot on Google, I figured I'd have to include it.

Barrymore is harrassed by some Construction Workers and she kicks one in the balls for it.

That man- Danny Trejo.

Strange things start to happen around Barrymore...

A dark and mysterious double keeps appearing.
People are getting killed (strangely not Trejo).

She tells him that she has a Doppelganger, but nobody believes her.

When he tells his friend/Writing Partner, she doesn't either.

It seems like her- or her Doppelganger- tried to kill her Brother (who's between her and inheriting the whole Estate).  Her Doctor- that guy from It and Fade to Black- says that she needs help.

What's the truth?

It is honestly too bonkers for me to SPOIL, so just see for yourself.

Oh boy, this is...weird.  This is straight out of the '90s for all of the best and worst reasons.  If you like '90s Films that tried to be Erotic Dramas, this will delight.

To note, the Film has two bits of actual Nudity (involving Barrymore, of course) and suggestive framing.  It's really an R-Rating for blood and insanity.

The Plot tries to be alot of things and barely succeeds at any of them.  It tries to be Psychological, but just relies on that false understanding of Multiple Personality Disorder.  It tries to be Horror, but its most shocking moments are fake-outs (until the end).  It tries to be erotic (sometimes), but our Leads have no chemistry.

It all slow builds to a bonkers reveal involving (without context) a series of disguises, a monster (of sorts), the set collapsing and, of course, one last fake-out.

I'll close with a bit set up from a YouTube video where Peter Sagal (who's supposedly an Extra somewhere in here) talks about this Party Scene having 'freaky metal sculptures everywhere.'  Well, I found one for sure.

A Film that is notable for being part of Barrymore's career transition.  It ultimately gets so silly that I loved it!

Rip-Off Cinema: Gangster World

Before J.J. Abrams gets his hands on this (topical!), let's see what some hack did in 1998.  

It is time to visit Gangster World!  

We've got the Director of...well, just this movie.  

We've got the Writer of Mercenary (never heard of it).  

We've also got the Writer of The Nutty Professor (the Animated one from 2008, mind you).  

Okay, let's look at the Stars.  

The lead Robot had...a small part in Abelar: Tales of An Ancient Empire, while its main lead had a small part in Sometimes, They Come Back...Again.  

Hmm...this isn't working.  Let's start from the beginning.  

There once was a story called Westworld and it was good.  

The sequel...not so much.  

The TV Show...well, the Pilot (which comes on the Blu-Ray release of Westworld) was alright, but the show only lasted one Season.  

Cut to the 1990s and we have a nice, juicy rip-off to cover.  There are some things different and it ultimately plays out a bit differently, but there's no getting past what they steal.  

To find out if it's worth the admission price, read on...

The film begins with the ending.  No, really.

Our hero is being interrogated in regards to what went wrong.  Gee, I wonder if he survives the movie...

Gangster World is a place where people go to let out their darker instincts and beat up thematic robots. 

Ignoring the fact that the idea of 'letting out your anger to stop violence' was disproved in the 1970s, they also state that crime has been cut in half.  How?

The film shows that it can rip off more than one film.  The seemingly-evil A.I. (not HAL) creates a naked robot to fight the Guards.  

Oh hi, Terminator!

You're the awkward cross of Ahnuld and Daniel Bernhardt.

The plot involves the Robot trying to catch/kill our hero, who is, in turn, trying to rescue his lady co-worker/love interest.  

It's a classic example of Damsel in Distress Syndrome.  

She's tough-as-nails...until the plot says that she has to be captured.

This somehow leads to the Robot and Scientist working together.  It's silly, but whatever.  

This just means lots and lots of action scenes.

The problem is that they are so mindless and repetitive that I could barely enjoy them.

One highlight, however, is this bit where a Robot gets shot.  

His reaction is about 5 seconds too late, which means that he 'gets shot,' stands there and then suddenly jumps back!  

Glorious crap.

Oh look- a ticking clock scenario.  

Going for the real unique Plot Devices, huh?

On the plus side, this ending bit reminds me of Fallout 3.  

On the negative side, it reminds me of the annoying way that they forced your hand in that same ending.  

Sorry, Gangster World.

Naturally, the guy who narrates the tale and shows up unharmed manages to make it out.  

On top of that, the good Robot and the slutty Robot escape too.  

Sequel-bait?  

The End.

Last time I saw this movie, it was better.  

To be fair, this is not a 100% rip-off of Westworld.  It also rips off The Terminator and 2001: A Space Odyssey too.  

Pointless Trivia: Marvel Comics Character Machine Man debuted in a comic adaptation of 2001 (written by Jack Kirby).  

That useless (unless you're on Jeopardy) bit of information is far more interesting than 99% of this movie though.  

There's plenty of action, including bad kung-fu fights, shooting and lots more shooting. 

If this film was rated based on how many rounds of ammunition they fire, it would have a 1,000,000,000 out of Ten.  

Don't ask me how that works.  

If you can accept that this film has nearly no original ideas, you can have a good time with it.  

It's mostly the worst kind of DTV fluff though.  There's no substance, no flair and just lots of bang.  

On the plus side, it has an Android who has gained Shaft's super-power of randomly summoning pants to wear...

Next up, a film by the man who brought us Versus and Midnight Meat Train.  If No One Lives, does that mean that I die too?  Stay tuned...