Tubi Thursday: Fear of Clowns 2 (2007)

 In 2011, I reviewed the Original (here).  I had no idea that there was a Sequel.
Well, it came out in 2007.

In 2024, I finally get around to it.  Enjoy...

To recap (if you can't be bothered to read the previous Review), this lady had a Fear of Clowns, but also only painted them.

After 2 pointless sub-plots, she escaped this muscle-bound Clown who wanted to kill her.

Some vague amount of time later, he's escaped and he's made some friends.  They should put that on the Poster!

The Cop is also suffering from some rare (made up Brain Disease) to boot.  The pay-off is pretty much nill.

Alongside the Orderly (who's along for the ride), he gets two other Patients to go full Bozo.

They do look alright...it's just a shame that the 'Three Clowns' Plot is as useful or interesting as the Three Jokers Plot.

The Film replaces Sub-Plot Padding with, well, Slasher Film Padding.

We get Cop freaking out Scenes.
We get more random Characters that exist only to die.

We also get a whole section involving some Farmers and this lady from *Adult* Films.

This is enough to get it to 85 minutes, but is it good?

No.  It's not.

*****

I'm happy to see that my lack of excitement to get around to watching this was pretty warranted.  I said that the original was 'decent.'

This one had potential- more killers, more action and more stakes.
This one didn't deliver.

One of the three Clowns is killed off in only his 2nd appearance, while the surviving one just kind of wanders 2 Scenes behind everyone until the Finale.

This is also what is referred to as 'An Idiot Story.'  In short, it only works because everyone is an idiot.
For instance, our Hero plans a trap for the Clown...but his buddies don't actually prepare- at all.
They literally leave their guns in their cars and don't have them for the Finale.

Chalk one up for Something Deadpool Can Do, But Other Films Can't.

There are glimpses of a good- or at least better- and more entertaining Film here.  Adult Film Star, for instance, gets cut in half (in one swing, mind you) and they *almost* pull off the effect, with her slowly 'realizing' her situation.

I wanted to go 'Wow- this one is an improvement.'  Sadly, it's not and most of the Cast have done little since.

On the plus side, I did check and there's no 3rd Film.  As such, I won't be getting another surprised in 2037...

A low-budget Horror Film with a decent idea behind.  Sadly, it is confusing, drawn and out and underwhelming.  Boo?

Re-Review: Xtro (1982)

 I haven't talked about this Film since my first Review back in 2009.  I think I can do better than that Review.  Suck it, younger me!

*******

For those of you who thought that everything British was classy, I present Xtro.  This 1982 gem of an oddity wasn't *officially* on the Video Nasty List (it passed certification), but it sure was on their radar.  Harry Bramley-Davenport- the most British name that isn't Sir Reginald Teatime- was early in his career and shot for the Moon with this one.  He was the Director, one of the Writers AND he did the Soundtrack.  Hell, he probably made the Chip Butties and Blood Sausages in Catering!  And yes, I did Google that Sandwich and yes, it does sound good.  The Plot involves a Dad that goes missing, seemingly-abducted by Aliens.  Years later, he returns...or does he?  Whatever he is, the Dad is going to make things get really freaky in his new, old household.  The Film has some very crazy moments and a bit of an identity issue.  The insanity is so glorious that you can't help but keep watching though!  Let's see if I feel much different than 2009 me as I re-review this one...

A Dad and Son are playing in the Yard when...suddenly it is night time and some sort of not-on-camera ship takes the Dad away.

This is a dream, which I guess is supposed to explain why the kid looks the same 3 years earlier that he does now AND how it went from day to night so quickly.

While the kid has dreams that end in him being covered in blood (not his, but still!), a freaky creature returns and attacks a woman.

In a memorable bit, a full-grown Dad suddenly is 'birthed' by the woman!  Oh, now I see how this almost made the List.

'Dad' returns and meets the Son.  The Mother is surprised as hell to see him, even though she never bought the 'abducted by Aliens' story.

The fact that she cares about him and his apparent amnesia makes her want to help him.

'Dad' has some new, bad habits like eating the eggs laid by his Son's pet snake.

He chases down the freaked-out kid and...um...sucks on his neck until something grows on his shoulder.
This Film makes me need an Adult...and I am one!

'Dad' shows that he can do strange things with his mind like affect lights and other objects.
The Son is inspired to do the same, only his imagination is far less-limited.

He turns his scary Clown Doll into a scary Clown person and his Toy Soldier into...well, a bigger Toy Soldier.

Where said Soldier got C-4 is anyone's guess though!

One thing I didn't touch upon yet is how this Family with a young Son in a tiny Apartment both needs AND has a Nanny.

Well, she's not going to be around much longer, as the Son lures her away from her not-so-secret lover and has help knocking her out.

...he also apparently implants her with Eggs like the 'Dad' did earlier.  She's webbed up and now she will be used to...

Oh, what's that?  You cut the Ending explaining why the Eggs mattered?  Never mind.

In the end, everyone alive (sorry, boyfriend) ends up at the Cabin where it all happened 3 years ago.

'Dad' and 'Son' mutate into full Aliens and leave a possibly-dead New Husband (it's not clear) behind with the Mother.

...who finds an egg in the NEW Ending and gets killed via face-hugger.  The End.

A properly-strange and freaky Film.  Xtro has a way of just being 'off' that was apparently a bit of an accident.  He definitely meant for it to be weird- no question.  After all, you have bloody death, a tiny Clown, a Toy Soldier, a random Panther and death by floating disco ball (more on that later).  Oh yeah, and the little matter of the full-grown man being born from an unwilling woman too!  There's not a whole lot of Plot here.  Once the strange stuff with the kid using his new powers comes into play, that mostly takes over.  We do get an interesting and pretty-satisfying ending- the first time, that is.  You can read about it, but there was some dispute with Producers about how to end the Film.  It was meant to end with the reveal that the Eggs would hatch new copies of 'Dad' as part of the Aliens' plan.  That was scrapped for, well, no good reason I could find for the ending we got.  It's still a more logical ending than Xtro II's abrupt twist- see the next Re-Review for that.  If you can wait for the real crazy stuff, Xtro delivers old-school splatter, crazy visuals and an odd Story.  I'll leave you with a visual for how you all look when you get up in the middle of the night for a snack...

Next time, I keep the Re-Reviews coming as I look at the Sequel that wasn't.  When the Director all but disowns you, it can't be good.

Top 10 Killer Clown Films of Mondo Bizarro

Killer Clowns are a big thing again.

Oh right- this never goes away!

Here are the Top 10 I've featured in the history of the site...

Bonus: Tiny Tim in Blood Harvest.

I didn't actually Review this, but...wow, I should have.

House of Fears is surprisingly-good, but barely-qualifies for the list.  See it for other reasons.
On the flipside, others Films like All Hallows Eve and Terrifier definitely qualify...but I didn't like them.

Also Kurt Angle as a Clown in Endgame.  He just never kills anyone and it's the one Scene.

10. Dead Clowns: You promise so much and deliver so little.  The premise: Dead Clowns come back to life after drowning in the Mississippi River decades prior.  The execution: a series of vignettes that barely matter.  Oh and the only person with a personal connection is killed first, so...drama?

9. S.I.C.K.: A Film that literally hurts to look at.  The Film's Plot involves a killer clown, a trip to a Cabin in the Woods and the worst-hidden murders ever.  Seriously, they let people know that they are going on a trip with the intended victim before they go!

Their Clown is just some fat guy and the Movie is shot in Blur-O-Vision.

8. Killjoy/Killjoy 2: They are both pretty forgettable and interchangeable.  In both Films, he's a doll you summon via some sort of voodoo.  He kills people and makes bad jokes.

As a reminder, this was Full Moon going for the 'urban' (read: black) market.  Their idea- magic killer clown.  Sure...

7. Fear of Clowns: The only thing to fear is bad Movies.  This one has promise- a killer clown hitman is on the loose.  It just boils down to a weird mix of pointless melodrama and jokes to punctuate kills.

Its Clown is at least kind of unique looking...

6. Killjoy 3: It's bigger and better, but that's not saying much.  In this third outing, the Plot changes a bit and we get more of a clown menagerie.

It's still Full Moon, but it's Full Moon trying to be bigger.  Points for trying.

5. We all Scream For Ice Cream (Masters of Horror): A forgotten one, as it is buried in a semi-Anthology Show.

The Plot is nothing special- Clown comes back for revenge, now with powers- but it is well-executed and includes some creativity of the powers.

4. Clowntown: A decent Film with a decent premise, but still better than most of this stuff.

If you can fill a Town with Killer Clowns, why not?  What's the worst that could happen?  I mean, besides a pretty basic, by-the-numbers Horror Film?

3. Clown (2016): This one has a very unique premise, so lots of points for that!

A man buys and wears an old Clown Outfit for a Birthday Party, but then it fuses to him.  He is slowly transformed into a killer.  Neat and very dark premise.

2. Funland: A dark horse pick, but one I liked.

Right off the bat, the Film is more of a Satire than a Horror Film/Thriller.  It parodies places like Disneyland and was written by the people behind 3rd Rock From the Sun.  That said, it does feature a killer clown, some insanity and a surprisingly-good time.

1. It (2017): I mean, what else could it be?

Seriously, I didn't love it as much as many people, but it is well-made.

Did I cop out at the end?  Nah.

Look at the crap I'm comparing it to!

If I really dug into the Indy Horror Scene, I could fill this list 2x over.  Next time...

Quick *Holiday* Reviews: Terrifier (2017)

Alright, Internet- you win.  

In spite of not really liking All Hallows Eve and not caring about this Clown, I watched the Movie...

This is Art the Clown.  He wants to be the next Jason Voorhees or Freddy Kreuger.

Is Art really the best name that you could come up with though?

On Halloween Night, these two ladies are leaving a Bar.  

They are so screwed!

He targets the pair (for no reason) and the Movie wants you to believe that you can dress up like this AND act like this without anyone calling the Cops on you.

Sure enough, he begins to kill folks.  

He's also part Ninja, apparently.

While he targeted the girls, he'll basically kill anyone in his way.

Since this Movie is low-budget, that's basically just in and around this one Building.  Enjoy.

Who will live and who will die?  

It's probably everyone, but, you know, still watch it...I guess.

If you want blood, it's got it.  The Film is great if you like lots of gore, splatter effects and body mutilation.  

Am I done with the positives now?  Yes.  

In every other regard, it's not so good.  The Setting- dark Streets in a City and a dank Building.  The Plot- strange killer murders people.  They try to spice it up with a random opening and a final Twist, but that doesn't do much.  You're pretty much stuck with 'people get killed' for the entirety of the runtime.  No nuance.  No Subplots.  Nada.  

That brings me to the bigger thing- Art the Clown.  While not the worst attempt at a new Horror Icon- that's probably still the thing from The Fear Films- , he's just both too little and too much for me.  He's too little in the sense that he's just a Clown that kills you while smiling.  Does he have an interesting backstory?  No.  Does he have a gimmick or anything to show other than being a Clown?  No.  He's also too much in the sense that this is so forced.  It was pretty bad in his first Film, but you can at least excuse that as the first attempt (not counting the original Short).  

Here he's graduated to a Lead in a Feature and he's a real Mary Sue as far as Horror Icons go.  He's always ahead of you, always has a weapon and is almost never caught off-guard.  He's like a skinnier, less-molesting (allegedly *wink wink*) version of Steven Seagal- only he ruins your lives and not U.S. Democracy.  

Without SPOILing too much, they also give him vaguely-defined powers that are basically just plot convenience.  

If you just want bloody gore, this will satisfy your cravings.  If you want anything else, stick to, well, anything else.  One last thing- who made this Poster without having seen the Movie?

A decent Film if all you want is gore, gore and more gore.  If you want Plot, Characters and mood, look elsewhere.

Quick Reviews: It (2017)

I'm officially the last guy to see this, aren't I?  Well, since I'm here anyways, let's see if the biggest surprise hit of 2017 is as good as people say...

In the Cold Open, Georgie meets Pennywise and ends up getting seemingly-killed in a fashion that will inspire Parodies for Years.

I know he's a kid and all, but does he have no fight or flight response?!?

In Derry, Maine, the missing person's rate is higher than anywhere and the Town is marked by tragedies.  All things point to one place...

We follow the Losers Club (and their ancillary black friend) as Pennywise targets them with weird creatures and scares.

The group finally figures out that they are being targeted by the same person/creature.

Kudos to any Film that can make even a Slide Projector scary, as anachronistic as it is here.

Pennywise is going to get them!  He wants to eat them and their fears!

Can the group unite (just not in the way from the Book!) and save themselves?  Is It even able to be stopped?

To find out, watch the Film (assuming you still haven't).

Almost good enough to make me scared of clowns- almost.  The Story is basically the same.  They were in kind of a weird spot with this one.  On one hand, the Story is famous and everyone loves it.  On the other hand, there are enough people that are old enough to not know the Book or the original Mini-Series.  Could they please them both?  Well, they managed to do it!  The Film was a massive hit and, unlike other big Films, I'm not here to tell you how bad it is.  At most, I will tell you that I still have some issue with the general structure of the Story- going back to the Book- and how they handled the 'Mike' Character.  Basically, my issue is that Pennywise seems like he wants to kill them every time and then just stops.  I get the whole 'feeds on fear' thing- I do.  It just feels like he could realistically take one of them out, as opposed to just killing a Bully or two.  As for the 'Mike' thing, I can't say whether or not it is better in the Book, but he feels underdeveloped here.  He comes in too late, doesn't have much of an Arc and never quite feels important enough.  In other words, he's Cyborg, just minus the terrible CGI.  That said, I like how they updated the scares for the most part and I will not speak ill of Pennywise here.  He's almost *too* creepy at times, making me wonder why, again, Georgie doesn't just run away instantly.  While it's a little long (so is the Book), I did like it and really want to see if they can manage the Ending better than the Mini-Series.  Speaking of that, here's the official response to everyone who said 'Nobody wants to see another 'It' Film after the Original'...

A good, solid re-telling of King's Story that doesn't disappoint.  Let's just see if they can stick the landing next Year.

Quick Reviews: Clown (2016)

Don't infer anything from the timing of this.  It is just the order that I got around to this one...

A hard-working Dad gets desperate when a Clown cancels on his kid's birthday party.  His solution: putting on a mysterious outfit left at a House he's selling.

The problem: it won't come off.

Yes, they're going with this Plot, so you can accept it or not.

He starts to look into the background of the suit and its owner, while his wife's family questions his sanity.  Hard to blame them at times...

He discovers that the suit is somehow tied to some odd mystical lore even Demons or something.

It is all just a bit silly, but treated so seriously.

Will this mysterious man hold the answers that will save the day?

...or will evil win out in the end?  To find out, watch the Film.

Given that it took almost 4 years to get a DVD Release stateside, was it worth it?  Clown is...pretty good.  The big draw: the premise involving the guy slowly turning into the creature.  The Lead does a pretty good job of showing his desperation and humanity.  One problem: they put him in the Suit right away.  We get NO Scenes of him before the one where he puts it on and sets the Plot in motion.  You're backfilling is not going to cut it!  The big issue: the premise involving a 'clown suit' that turns you into a monster.  I mean, I've certainly bought some crazy things happening in Films.  Hell, the most ridiculous outcome I ever thought possible apparently came true today, so maybe this is logical!  If you watch these for the blood and gore, the Film delivers.  It uses it when it counts, although it can overdo it at times too.  This is mostly a Character Study on a man fighting demonic urges.  If that sounds appealing to you, Clown delivers.  An evil clown suit makes you a Monster- it is certainly no sillier than a Movie Prop Mask cutting you and turning you into a creature from said Movie!  The one thing I do question though: what the hell Game is this kid supposed to be playing?

Clown is a pretty good Film if you can buy into the premise.  If you can't, there's no getting past it.

Quick Reviews: Clowntown (2016)

Won't you take me to Funky Town?  Won't you take me to...

Mysterious disappearances haunt a Town...

...but the Story takes place 15 years later, so don't worry about that too much.

Instead, meet our Heroes- 2 wacky Couples going to see a Concert, one of whom may propose.

One of them loses their phone and agrees to meet the guy who found it in a random Town off the Highway.  Who hasn't been there?

They end up in a Town overrun by crazy killers dressed as Clowns.  On the plus side, it's not New Jersey.

They must now either run or fight, since hiding doesn't usually work too well.

Will they fend off the Clowns or will they join the Circus of Corpses (also a good Metal Band name)?

To find out, watch the Film.  The End.

Clowns still don't scare me.  Let me preface the rest of this though: I wasn't scared of Clowns before either.  To be fair to Clowntown, they do a good job with the premise.  Evil killer Clowns chase people around in a Ghost Town.  They don't take too long to set everything up before you lose interest, nor do they start it too early and allow you to get too comfortable.  It is a balance that some Films just get wrong.  The Prologue does run a little long, considering how little it affects everything.  Making the Family name Strode was a cute touch though.  The big draw here is the Clowns.  You get a few different ones that go for different styles.  They aren't too similar to be repetitive, nor are they too dissimilar to be disparate.  I'm using medium-sized words today!  They are definitely scary enough to make this work.  Aside from their make-up, these Clowns sure do love to hit you.  Ultimately, they are just crazy guys who want to murder you- nothing more.  If that's all you need, this one works.  The Film indulges in lots of Cliches though, which kind of hurt the experience a little for me.  It isn't a bad Film though- just one that doesn't quite do enough with the premise.  On the plus side, new censoring...

Decent enough Film that definitely has Atmosphere.  It leaned too heavily on Cliches and torture for me though.