Mondo Year Two: Top 10 Worst Films of *MY* Year

This one's been a bit delayed, but it's finally here!

I watch a lot of bad movies at this site, so this one was really hard to compile.  In addition, it forced me to relive the rage that the movies inspired in me.  It's important for you all to know though, so it's a sacrifice.  On the plus side, this year's list doesn't include Hobgoblins 2!  Mind you, seven sequels do end up on here, so take that for what you will.  Let the crap countdown begin...

10. Quest for the Mighty Sword aka Ator IV aka Troll 3: Even by Ator standards, this one hurts!  This film is basically a remake of the original Ator, despite being the fourth film in the series and the third by Joe D'Amato.  The plot is a mess, however, as it involves a new actor as Prince Ator...only to have him die and have the story focus on...Prince Ator.  Throw in a convoluted series of events, the re-used Troll 2 costumes (hence the alternate title) and stock footage out the ass & you have a shitty movie.  When you think about a film where Ator fights a two-headed robot and mini-Godzilla, remember how much it sucks!

9. Pirates II- Stagnetti's Revenge: R-Rated porn on Netflix?!?  This film is the sequel to Pirates, a 2005 porn film shot near my hometown.  Yeah, we were a bit upset to learn that the pirate movie they were making had people screwing the gang-plank, as opposed to walking it!  This film has an Unrated (read: porn) Cut and an R-Rate Cut, which I rented.  The film is a really bad mix of comedy and action, complete with sometimes-alright Special Effects.  This is the big thing: the movie just cuts all the sex scenes as they begin...except for two.  The first one is intact, but the next four or five are cut out.  All of a sudden, the seventh one is also intact, which caught me a bit off-guard.  The bottom line: it's not funny, exciting or scintillating.  If you like pieces of a porn movie plot and PS2 graphics, you may feel differently though.

8. Rasen: This is the film that Japan wants to ignore!  I mentioned this before in my other Top 10 List, so I'll make the summary brief.  This film follows Ringu exactly...except that it either gets everything wrong or changes a lot.  Literally the first scene tells you what to expect as the Police find the boyfriend's dead body and he doesn't have the trademark 'mouth agape' death face.  You filmed these in conjunction- how did you mess that up?  On top of that, the reporter and kid die off-camera & the plot involves a possessed journal and human cloning.  The film ends on a sour, but also happy note in a cliffhanger ignored by Ringu 2, The Ring Virus (The Korean version) and both American films.  Ouch.

7. The Return of the King (Animated): There are worse things than the Rankin-Bass Lord of the Rings film!  In this sequel, we get a wrap-around tale showing the surviving heroes- minus Gimli and Legolas- sitting around the table and celebrating.  Old Bilbo has forgotten the events of the past, so they hire a minstrel to sing him the tale.  As if that wasn't bad enough, the plot meanders a lot, making you question how good this minstrel is!  The film is infamous for its song by the Orcs, but there are so many others to be mad at.  The film makes you yearn for a Fifth-Grade class' production of the tale!

6. Class of Nuke 'Em High 1-3: They all suck, so I can't pick just one.  This is one of the few Troma series out there and made during it's late-80s/early '90s heyday.  Basically, a High School is built across the street from the Tromaville Nuclear Power Plant.  Weird plots arise- including the tale of a group of drug dealing bullies, a man finding love with a clone and facing off with his evil, twin brother.  If you like forced humor, sight gags and the most over-the-top acting, this is Heaven.  For anyone with a brain, this whole series hurts!

5. Death Racers: The Asylum meets the Insane Clown Posse- ouch.  This rip-off of Death Race is about as loosely-adapted as you could get.  There's a Race, but also a plot involving a terrorist (former WCW/ECW/WWF wrestler Raven) and some network coverage- a plot element left out of the Race.  More importantly, most of the action takes place on foot & there's very little vehicular action.  Yeah, there aren't many car-kills in a Death Race movie!  Here's the kicker: the whole soundtrack- all four songs- is done by the Insane Clown Posse.  I have to watch them act AND I have to listen to them.  Pass!

4. The 9/11 Commission Report: Do I even need to explain this?  The Asylum made a film to coincide with the release of World Trade Center.  Is nothing sacred with you people?  The film is also boring as hell, depriving us of at least a dark bit of humor.  It's just awful.  Moving on...

3. Open Water 2- Adrift: You can just keep floating, I guess.  This film- Adrift- was turned into a sequel to Open Water by the studio that released it.  However, the connection is simply not there.  The plot of this movie involves a group of people floating in the water...but it's next to their yacht.  They just can't quite reach the ladder!  You want to watch an hour of this crap?  If so, good for you.  I'll watch paint dry instead!

2. Jaws in Japan: I hate what this movie did to me!  I'll say my peace about this movie one more time and then move on with my life.  Despite all of the silly posters and promotion, this movie is dull as dirt.  The film is 65 minutes, 60 of which are relegated to watching Japanese girls meander about and film each other.  You made busty, Japanese women in bikinis boring!  Right at the hour mark, a terrible-looking CG shark attacks the group in a silly manner...and the film ends.  Why?  Why?  Why?!??!?

1. The Skeleton Key 2: 667- Neighbor of the Beast: I made it fifteen minutes before I had to stop, lest I get a brain aneurysm.  This film is apparently the sequel to a film called The Skeleton Key, although Netflix mislabels it as a sequel to the Kate Hudson film Skeleton Key instead!  In those 15 minutes, the lead character talks to the audience directly, but fails to explain anything about what's going on.  It's just a series of random, annoying events with no explanation.  I dare you to watch it.  See if you can outlast me...but do it at your own risk.

Will I find 10 films that top these next year?  Lord- I hope not...but probably 'yes.'

Mondo Year Two: Top 10 Weirdest Japanese Films

Japan is a popular target over at Mondo Bizarro.  Do I feel bad about it?  No.  These guys make movies with titles like Executive Koala, Mutant Girl Squad & Attack Girls' Swim Team vs. the Undead.  I don't always hate their movies, however, which distinguishes them from say, Troma.  I watch a lot of Japanese films because the country is full of crazy, crazy things.  Here are 10 examples of what I'm talking about..

10. Evil Dead Trap: What is snuff, baby don't hurt me!  This odd film features a female reporter tracking down the source of a snuff film sent to her show.  She finds a bizarre, serial killer who sets elaborate death traps to test people.  Sound like a movie that would come out about 15 years later?  What makes the film especially odd is that it ends...and then ends again and...ends a third time.  Each ending is weirder than the last too.

9. Devilman: Anime-to-film adaptations are usually this weird.  The film involves a portal that opens up to the center of the Earth, unleashing demon spirits into Japan.  Our hero is taken over by one, as is his best friend.  The former controls his evil side and fights for good, while the latter just kind of starts killing people.  CG monsters, a random Third Act change and News Anchor Bob Sapp are the highlights here.

8. Assault Girls: I'm still picking on this movie.  A film about a quartet of people playing an MMO by themselves in which they fight giant sand worms.  The crazy part: the movie is dull as dirt.  It has about three great moments in it, but a lot of padding.  The only way to make a film weirder is to make it dull, I guess.

7. Rasen: The sequel that nobody wants to acknowledge exists!  Released in conjunction with Ringu, this film is based on the story of the same name.  The ghost from the tape moves into the real world via pseudo-science involving cloning and plans to make a new infection: the book about the search for the tape.  The film was so despised in Japan that another sequel was made- Ringu 2- and it disappeared.  It's easy to see why, even by Japanese standards.

6. Hellevator- Bottled Fools: Quiet on the one set!  This film is about a dark future where people live underground and take elevators everywhere.  My God- they live in the Chrysler Building.  Most of the film is relegated to either social commentary, random characters or a quickly-resolved plot with serial killers.  It's weird, but also kind of boring in parts.

5. Stacy: When you make a nonsensical film for $10, it shows.  You can't explain this film with a straight face- you just can't.  Teenage girls between the ages of 16 and 18 are randomly turning into zombies due to an infestation of 'pixie dust' in their bodies.  A love sub-plot slips in, as does one involving a guy trying to protect his zombie sister.  More importantly, silly humor, off-beat gore and bizarre references slip in too.  It's beyond belief...but it's only #5. 

4. Vampire Girl vs. Frankenstein Girl: I love this film in all of its bizarre glory.  A new student comes to a school and goes after the only boy that the girls seem to care about.  Sorry, everybody else with a penis!  During a confrontation, she kills the rich girl in school, but she gets brought back as a Frankenstein-style creature.  The clash is epic and the movie is freaky as all hell.  It's no Tokyo Gore Police, but it's fun.

3. Sky High: Ryuhei Kitamura strikes again!  A serial killer is taking out women, but it's not for any reason that you could possibly guess.  He's killing women who are the reincarnation of previous Guardians of the Gates of Heaven & Hell.  Why?  To harvest their hearts as part of a spell to open Hell itself!  Throw in a police investigation, sword-fighting and a weapon that can kill ghosts- oh my!

2. Visitor Q: This one was so weird that even I couldn't finish it!  The film has a very loose narrative structure, but seems to tell the tale of a family in strife.  Such strife includes the son beating up the mom, a bit with a hooker and more.  When a man is randomly attacked with a brick- I'm shocked.  When a woman is caned for making dinner too slowly- I'm really shocked.  When a male reporter is raped on the air by a gang of teens- I'm done.

1. Robo-Geisha: When buildings start spurting blood, I know that I've found a winner!  The film is a mish-mash of stories, including an evil corporation, a sister-sister feud and the search for a missing girl.  It all culminates in a battle between the two now-robotic sisters & a final showdown on Mount Fuji.  What can you expect?  A woman who has tank treads in place of legs, arm pit blades and a man with a gun in his knee caps.  If you love crazy, see this movie!

Up next, we close up the Top 10 List celebration with the one you've been waiting for- the Top 10 Worst Films of Mondo Bizarro- Year Two.  This will hurt- a lot.  Stay tuned...

Mondo Year Two: Top 10 Rare Flix

As an internet user and film critic, I consider it my goal to expose people to movies that they might not know, remember or even realize exist.  To that end, I have a segment called Rare Flix which covers those kinds of films.  Some of them have no recent DVD release, others have a VHS one only and some you can only find via YouTube.  Incidentally, I've got a whole slew of them for the end of March.  It should give me plenty of material for next year's list!  In the meantime, enjoy these films that you may not have heard of.

10. Cyborg III: This recent one is good for what it is, but nothing more.  Cyborg is mildly-famous as a Van Damme film, while Cyborg 2 has a DVD release solely because it co-stars Angelina Jolie.  What about the third- and final film- though?  It features Zach Galligan who has to teach Cash (who is not Jolie) to love her coming child, while a pair of genre actors want to sell her for scrap.  It's fun, but pretty forgettable- even with a non sequitur cameo by Malcolm McDowell.  If you use Netflix, it's on Streaming right now (as part of Starz Play, I think).  If you don't, shell out the big bucks for a VHS box.

9. 'Italian Jaws': You can thank Universal for this film's rarity.  Around 1980, a film called Great White hit American theaters, prompting outrage from the studio.  Why?  Because this film is a pretty blatant knock-off, save for a few minor details.  The lawsuit and dismissal from theaters made this a rare gem- of sorts- for people like me.  It's alright.

8. Nick Knight: It's the only thing less remembered by most people than the show itself.  In the mid-80s, a back-door pilot was made about a vampire cop in Chicago.  It starred Rick Springfield and was decent, although it cheaped out on many effects and couldn't find a tone.  A few years later, the show finally became reality.  You may know it as Forever Knight.  It all starts here, people- assuming you care.

7. Invaders from Mars (1986): Poor Tobe Hooper couldn't catch a break in the late-80s.  As part of his contract with Canon Films, the T.C.M. director made a few films- this one, Lifeforce and T.C.M. 2.  None of them were hits though, making him not the most popular guy in the film business for a bit.  This is a remake of sorts of a 1950s film famous for it's child protagonist.  Hooper's version is fun, flashy but a bit too weird for audiences.  I own the OOP DVD thanks to my local Hollywood Video closing though.  Good for me- bad for you.

6. Class of 1999: While not OOP, this one is rare.  The film is billed as a sequel to Class of 1984, but is pretty far from it.  That film was a drama about teenagers rebelling against society and- more specifically- their schools.  This one features robot teachers and Pam Grier.  Yeah, this one is weird, but actually warranted a sequel.  Oddly enough, the sequel is OOP.  Go figure!

5. Amityville 4- The Evil Escapes: For pure hilarity alone, this one is here.  After two serious films and one in 3-D, the series veers off in a weird direction here.  Why?  Well, they blow up the titular house in the third film!  As I've stated numerous times in my review of the series- getting through them pretty well, all things considered- the focus became random objects from the house that get bought and create terror.  No, they don't explain how they were sold after the explosion.  This one is famous for it's villainous and ruthless...lamp.  No, really.  It's goofy as hell and the most fun to laugh at besides Amityville 1992: It's About Time.  Holy melting phone, Batman!

4. Aswang: What a bizarre premise!  This 1994 horror film has a low-budget and not-so-great production values, but it sells itself on a weird premise.  A man brings a woman pretending to be his wife to see his mother at her home.  Trouble looms, however, as the family secret is slowly revealed: they're all fetus-eating vampires.  It's about as gross as it sounds.  If you can find this movie on DVD- good luck- you should check it out.

3. Rawhead Rex: Here's a film that someone apparently doesn't want to put on DVD!  This film is based on one of the many Clive Barker tales, but didn't get the same prestige as stuff like Hellraiser.  Basically, a freaky monster- the title character- comes to life and starts killing people.  That's basically it.  The film was released on DVD in 1999 by Anchor Bay and...never again since.  Unless you find a way around this issue, you're going to shell out about $100 for a DVD of the movie.  It's not that good.

2. Castle Freak: Stuart Gordon and Jeffrey Combs playing it straight- really?!?  This Full Moon film is definitely a cut above the rest.  Combs and his family are torn apart by family strife as they go to the estate that he's inherited.  Sadly, things don't get better as an inbred mutant is loose there too.  The film works a lot of it's magic thanks to the Gothic charm and atmosphere, even if the outcome is bleak.  This DVD is really hard to find, so pick it up when you can.

1. Maximum Overdrive: I'm sorry, but can you blame me.  This is the only Stephen King film directed by the man himself, so naturally it's based an obscure, short story from the 'Nightshift Collection.'  If you want to see a balls-out action movie with explosions and shooting, this is your film.  If you want to see faceless robots taunting people, this is your film.  If you want to see what happens when a famous author directs a film while on lots of cocaine, this is definitely your film.  The DVDs are out there, but not as wide-spread as you might think.  Just keep an eye out for this one.

Up next, let's look at the Top 10 Weirdest Japanese Films.  These are the ones you all know and love (hopefully).  Stay tuned...

Mondo- Year Two: Top 10 Surprising Films

With the second anniversary of Mondo Bizarro coming soon, I thought it would be good to look back at the films covered this year.  First on the agenda, the Top 10 Surprising Films.  These movies were not what I expected them to be, for better or for worse- usually the latter.

10. Yo-Yo Sexy Girl Cop/The Killer Eye: Both of these films were a lot more about porn than I thought!  The first film probably shouldn't have surprised me so much.  Now, bear in mind that the first Yo-Yo Girl Cop film was billed as fun, action movie, but is mostly a maudlin drama.  No, really.  The other film here looks like a silly, monster movie, but is mostly about a large prop molesting women.  I didn't expect that- especially from Full Moon!


9. The Monster at Camp Sunshine: It's a very complex tale for a movie so stupid!  I thought that this film was one of a pair of Nudist Camp Horror films released  by Something Weird.  It's not...exactly.  It's actually a Nudist Camp Horror film Parody.  No, really.  Why does this exist?  Furthermore, why is it in black and white, despite being released later than the other film in the set?

8. The 9/11 Commission Report: I did not expect this to be so dull.  When I found out that The Asylum had a film made about the famous 9/11 Commission Report, I was expecting something either ridiculous (i.e. aliens attacking the WTC) or controversial (since the film played the Conservative film circuit for months).  What was surprising is that the movie was so listless and uninteresting.  Nothing crazy or all that interesting.  Just a series of barely-related scenes involving talking heads.  That's...odd.

7. Patrick Still Lives: You lie!  I did this movie during Series Month, but was surprised to find out that this film was not part of a series.  Yes, despite being billed as a sequel to the Australian film Patrick, this film is just a rip-off.  It has a different guy named Patrick killing people, just in really ridiculous ways.  The best part: this Patrick was put in a coma by a guy throwing a bottle out of a moving vehicle.  No, really.

6. Boogeyman 2: This is just the weird, middle child in the 'series.'  The first film- the only one to get in theaters- was about a man confronting a freaky spirit from his past.  The third film is about the titular spirit killing people on a college campus...just because.  This film is actually about a pair of siblings who get thrown in an asylum for being scared of 'the boogeyman.'  It's a Saw rip-off that actually features the star of the series in it.  Lame.

5. Tidal Wave: If you want to know what weird pacing looks like, check this one out.  This South Korean disaster film is about two hours or so long.  The first ninety-minutes are almost entirely relegated to setting up the characters.  It's only after that length of time that the titular event happens.  It's not a bad movie for this conceptual choice, but it's certainly a weird one!

4. The Occultist: You shouldn't lie so much, movie!  This film features a slew of ridiculous plot ideas in its summary.  It's described as featuring 'a perilous haven for a group of voodoo-practicing witches who prefer to walk around in the nude' and 'a cyborg named Waldo Warren.' The latter is true, but the 'witches in the nude' are generic black women, one of whom is naked once. More importantly, it takes a silly gimmick- Waldo can fire bullets from nearly every appendage' and makes a boring film. Wow.

3. Cardiac Arrest: I'm not laughing.  This obscure, made-for-TV film features a group of people killing civilians and stealing their hearts.  Naturally, this movie is a comedy.  I wish that I was kidding, but I'm not.  This film barely touches upon the graphic nature of the plot, mostly focusing on the 'wacky' cop.  Who would have guessed?

2. Assault Girls: I really hate being lied to.  This movie has a plot that sounds like Gamer, but with hot, Japanese ladies.  Sadly, it's a dull film with long, lingering shots of the desert.  When you consider that it is supposedly showing a Massively-Multiplayer Online Role-Playing Game, it's a bit silly to have only four people in it!  Killing giant worms or featuring cool-looking mechs in the last Act will not save you from my ridicule!

1. Jaws in Japan: Who's shocked by this choice?  The film is amazingly-dull, making the narrative confusing and unfocused.  Where's the shark?  He shows up five minutes before the end of this 65-minute film.  It's too little and it's far too late.  I really, really wanted to like this movie.

Next up, let's look at the Top 10 Rare Flix to come to Mondo Bizarro over the last year.  You may be surprised what you see.  Stay tuned...