Rare Flix: Addams Family Reunion (1998)

 A VHS rarity that might have been better left in the crypt.  

This is Addams Family Reunion, a 1998 TV Movie that was supposed to be the start of something big.  Coming off of the heels of the 2 Films, this one was the Pilot for a new Show.  

Remember The New Addams Family?
No?  It ran for 65 Episodes. 
It ran for about 2 years. 
Still no?  I can't help you then.  

This is right in the middle of the time when the VHS (and later DVD) Market was rife with this kind of thing.  

The VHS I own- this only exists on VHS btw- has Trailers at the front of it for Richie Rich's Christmas Wish and Dennis The Menace Strikes Again.  Oy vey!   

The big thing here- almost all of the Cast of the original Films is gone.  

Obviously, one is going to be missing (Raul Julia), but the rest comes down to them just plain turning this down.  I can't blame them.  

We get Tim Curry and Daryll Hannah as the new Leads, which is certainly a good start.  

Let's see if they can do more than that as we hop back to 1998 for...

In the Cold Open, we see a terrified Mailman chased, traumatized and eventually eaten (off-screen) by the monster in the Addams Family's Mailbox (or it is the Mailbox).

Nothing says Warner Bros Family Entertainment like that!

Gomez (Curry) is excited to get the Unabridged Addams Family Lineage delivered and with it an invitation to a big Family Reunion.

An Addams Family Reunion- roll those credits!

Gomez's Grandparents (Kevin McCarthy and Estelle Harris) show up and they are acting strange.

To clarify, they are acting like normal, cliché old people.

They apparently tried to get John Astin for the role, but he turned it down.  He would, however, play the role twice on the TV Show.

They go to the Reunion, but there was a mix-up.

The Addams Family here is a bunch of WASPs (supposedly related to our 2nd President John Addams), led by Ed Begley Jr (who wants to kill his Dad- Ray Walston).

He gets into a competitive relationship with Gomez, which is Subplot A.

On top of that, Pugsley falls for his Daughter, while Wednesday has a tempestuous conflict with the daughter.

Do we need more Subplots?

Alright, Lurch has a thing for another WASPy lady AND the real Addams Family ends up at the iconic House with Grandma and Thing.

Meanwhile, Fester makes a dog that transforms into a dubious CGI Monster that runs amok.

Somehow, that ends up with Thing being caught by a Dog Catcher (Clint Howard)!

The tension between the two Fathers leads to a big fight during a Gala in the Grandfather's honor.

Somehow, this ends up in The Addams Family being arrested, which somehow overshadows the fact that Pugsley and Wednesday WERE CAUGHT GRAVEROBBING and buried Lurch in the body's place (to let him sleep).

They are rescued by the Grandfather and they put Begley Jr in the Electric Shock Chair (which he used on a happy Fester) at the 'mercy' of his Patients.

How...funny and not at all dark.

The clan returns home together (facing no repercussions, I guess) and leave the Grandparents with the WASP Family (minus a presumably dead Begley Jr).

However, then Pugsley bemoans the loss of the massive firework he was given at the beginning by Great-Grandpa (and left at the WASP's House)...and then a massive explosion.

So...um, The End (for everyone there)?

A cumbersome mess of a Film with a few high spots within it.  

To start off with the positive, Tim Curry does well as Gomez.  Apparently, the Director wanted to pull back on the 'Latin Lothario' aspect of the Character made famous by Julia.  

Even so, this performance is good...so it's a shame that he's not on the subsequent Show.  In fact, nobody but the Actress that played Wednesday is- weird.  

Other Actors- like Hannah and Begley Jr- get moments to shine, although the former is too understated here and the latter is too over-the-top at times.  In fact, that's one of the big factors- the Film is often very over-the-top, since it plays for a frenetic, kid audience.  

Mind you, the same Film features grave-robbing, people being eaten by monsters, women being chased by different monsters and a man likely being killed by electro-shock therapy.  Mixed messaging, no?  

The other big problem here is that the Film is made up of too many Subplots, leading to the Film being a bit scattershot and nothing quite developing.  It jumps from Scene to Scene so often that I couldn't be bothered to care about the sixth Sub Plot more than the fourth one.  This is probably another thing that comes from the newer, younger Demographic for this thing.  

It is worth noting that Barry Sonnefeld had nothing to do with this one and, instead, they had a new name.  This might explain it all...

Next up, I go back and reexamine a Film I last watched in 2009.  Will it hold up to my increased scrutiny or need to be Buried again.  Stay tuned...

Impossibly-Cool Cover Art?: Evilspeak

A tale as old as time.  Nerd gets picked on.  Nerd uses the power of Satan to get revenge.

How is the Poster for this Film?  Let's see...

Damn!

That's all sorts of crazy!

The Film...is alright.  It is mostly worth it by the end...when stuff actually happens.

As per the usual routine, the original work...

It is good- just a little bit muted for my taste.  Go big or go home, you know.

'90s Trash: Barb Wire

Well, it is an Andy Sidaris Film in spirit.  This is Barb Wire, the infamous 1996 Film that was made to make Pamela Anderson Lee into a Star.  She was just in a Russian Comedy (as herself), so you be the judge of how well that worked.  The Film comes to us from David Hogan, a man who's work you would know if you are about my age and watched VH1.  Like Russell Mulcahy, he started out doing Music Videos.  He made such Videos as 'Leaving Las Vegas' (for Sheryl Crow) and 'What Would You Say?' (for The Dave Matthews Band).  He was also a 2nd Unit Director for Batman Forever, which apparently was all he needed to do to qualify to Direct a Comic Book Film the next Year.  As a bonus, its Writer apparently worked on The Handmaid's Tale.  Surprisingly-relevant!  Another one of them (there are FOUR Writers here) worked on such Films as Hard Target, Red Planet and Virus.  This Film tells the Story of a buxom blonde woman stuck between the Resistance and a Nazi-style Government.  It is Casablanca.  This was necessary?  If you've stuck through the last 2 boob-filled Films of David Sidaris, stay with me yet again...

In 2017, a Civil War has happened & freedom is nearly-dead.

Between watching this in 2017 and Escape from L.A. in 2013, I'm randomly-prescient.

Barb Wire is stuck between the 2 sides- jaded from dealing with both.  She runs a Nightclub...while also working as a Spy/Secret Agent.

She rescues a girl from a different Club (after doing a Flashdance routine) to show us that she's tough.

She continues to get involved in incursions with people while also telling people that she doesn't take sides.  Logic.

The crux of the Story: a pair of contact lenses that let you beat retinal scanners.  Thanks, Clint.

Barb's ally (Xander Berkeley) is stuck working with the main baddie (Steve Railsback).  Do you get that they are Nazis yet?

The Resistance comes to her for help as her former lover returns with a disguised Scientist trying to make it to Canada.  Guess what she needs.

This all leads to a big, silly shoot-out.  That leads to a battle with a crane, a forklift and a motorcycle.  For a Film with dark moments of Character deaths, our Lead Villain is killed like a Looney Tunes character. 

Casablanca.  The End.

Bad.  You know a Film is bad when it makes Shooting, Fighting and Boobs into something boring.  Barb Wire is just a bunch of shooting, melodramatic Acting and more shooting.  The Plot isn't interesting.  The Action is forgettable.  The Characters are disposable.  It actually wastes Udo Kier, which is really a criminal thing.  The whole thing looks nice enough at times, but amounts to nothing.  Pam Anderson dancing while water sprays on her- nice to look at.  A five minute set-piece of this to open your Film- meh.  I'd almost rather watch the Intro to Cool as Ice- almost.  I don't know who is mostly at fault here.  Is it the guy who tried to get Pamela Anderson to emote?  Is it the guy who hired a Music Video Director?  Is it the Music Video Director who couldn't even copy a Classic Film all that well?  This is all just so 'eh, whatever.'  In other words, it is no Tank Girl.  It is just a pointless, dreary version of Casablanca with Pamela Anderson in it.  Why?  Seriously, why?  Oh yeah, I forgot...

Next up, a return to Andy Sidaris.  Will he make a different Film, he asks already knowing the answer.  Stay tuned...

Newer Crap: Bloodrayne- The Third Reich

What happens when a licensed film actually does what is supposed to?  Uwe Boll's Bloodrayne excised the plot of the game, save for the title character.  The sequel- future review, no doubt- was set in the Old West, a setting that is also not from the game(s- at this point).  Finally, the most recent part of the series is actually set during WWII, the one used in the game.  Halle-freaking-lujah!  What is the plot, you ask?  Bloodrayne fights Nazis because...well, what reason do you need to fight Nazis?  A new enemy emerges (in a silly way) raising the stakes and proving that there is a worse thing to fight than a Nazi.  No, it's not a Hippie!  We've still got Uwe Boll here, plus a moderate budget (around $20 million), so I'm not setting my expectations high here.  Bring out your stock characters as we meet up with...

Bloodrayne fights Nazis.  Along the way, she gets shot by a Lieutenant and feeds on him.  Due to her wound, she apparently infects him in the process.  Right.

The now-vampire Nazi meets up with a scientist (family co-star Clint Howard) who is really interested in vampires.

Pointless gore shot- check.  Seriously, this random vampire gets his organs pulled out to fulfill the movie's quote.  Done and done.

While he doesn't take the transformation too well, the Nazi takes it in stride eventually and tries to create a newer master race.  Speaking of Hitler...

In a random dream sequence, 'Rayne is attacked by vampire Hitler.  WHAT THE HELL?!?  Why isn't this the plot and not what we actually got?  Dream over.

'Rayne helps pad out the run-time by posing in front of Romanian Castles, having a romance with a Freedom Fighter and having a softcore lesbian tease.  Yeah, they go here.

All of this builds up to an anti-climactic battle on a roadway involving the Nazis, 'Rayne and the Freedom Fighters.  As a newer release, I won't spoil things...

...too much.  The End.

Bite me, Uwe- but not as hard as usual.  The plot of this movie is simple- a bit too much.  There are only about four characters that really matter here: 'Rayne, the Vampire Nazi, Howard and the lead Freedom Fighter.  Other than that, every other character is pretty much there to die or, in one case, lead to some cheap, fan service.  That's part of what makes the climax so silly, since the rest of the resistance group are suddenly built up as our heroes (since our two leads are captured).  It's just like 'Oh shit- I forgot to write them as important.  Oh well.'  In the movie's defense, there is a pretty good amount of action (although spaced out too much), plenty of blood and, obviously, that one fan service moment.  Besides that, the acting is pretty cheesy, you get a ton of people from previous Boll films (Malthe, Pare, Fletcher) and the movie never really appears to be all that expensive.  There's a line between being a cheap film and looking like a cheap film, folks.  If you like a film that involves Nazis, vampires and is not terrible, check this out.  That's probably the nicest thing I've said about any Boll film, so take that for what it is.

Next up, a recent flop that combines the Western and the Wuxia Film.  The result- a confusing, unfunny mess of a film.  Stay tuned...
   

Slasher Crap: Ice Cream Man

At face value, there's nothing really notable about this movie.  Made in 1995, this film is another slasher film with a quirky lead and almost nothing else of note.  However, there are a couple subtle things to note here.  First off, the movie was directed by Paul Norman, the pseudonym of Norman Apstein- a man whose career is 99.9% porn.  Seriously, this guy made this movie as a 'straight' film, but has 121 other credits that include stuff like Stick It In The Rear, Intercourse with a Vampire & the Edward Penishands trilogy (yes, there are at least three).  Secondly, the film was co-written by Sven Davison and David Dobkin.  The first has one writing credit to his name, while Dobkin has gone on to direct Shanghai Knights, Wedding Crashers and Fred Claus.  Yeah- he started here!  Lastly- and most importantly-, the film stars my aunt (Andrea Evans) as a slutty housewife.  The only actor in my family line is a soap opera actress who tried to break into mainstream cinema.  The result: a very minor role in A Low Down Dirty Shame and an uncredited role in a film called The Opposite Sex and How to Live with Them.  Will my family live this movie down or will it raise us up?  Find out in my review of...

The film begins in the past with an ice cream man being gunned down in a drive-by shooting from the mob.  How do we know it's the past?  Because this part is in black-and-white, silly!  In the present day, the young man who witnessed the death has grown up to be Clint Howard- you poor bastard!  He has grown up to become an ice cream man himself, proving that no job has any sort of screening process.  As if we didn't know that he was the bad guy, his truck is full of bugs and body parts.  Yeah, apparently he's one of those independent ones who has no sort of boss or inspections.  We are introduced to a group of kids that are going to be our protagonists.  They're all pretty stock, including the small kid, the spunky girl and the fat kid.  Fun fact: their 'fat kid' is a normal-sized kid wearing what's clearly a pillow under his shirt.  The neighborhood is full of characters, including the girl's father, who's played by David Warner.  You never did get over everyone thinking they really killed you in The Omen, did you?  He plays a preacher, but ultimately adds nothing to the story.  In his first scene, we also see a janitor of some sort with a sharp stick.  He's killed off-screen by Howard and his stick is found later as proof.  Wow, you were pointless too.

Eventually, the titular villain captures one of the kids.  The 'fat' kid sees this happen and tells the police.  They go to Howard's abode and smash up his building full of ice cream supplies and equipment.  They leave when they find nothing...because they never check his truck.  Seriously, why don't they check his truck?  The kid had to have said 'he took the kid into his truck,' but they still don't look.  Oh yeah, the cops are played by Jan-Michael Vincent and Lee Majors II.  I know what you're wondering and 'yes, this is the biggest thing that Lee ever did.'  Well, aside from an obligatory role in all of the Six-Million Dollar Man/Bionic Woman crossovers- big surprise.  In spite of not finding anything, they suspect Clint of something and have him followed at all times.  Hello, lawsuit against the city!  As it turns out, he's actually kept the kid alive and has him locked away in the building that the police already searched.  The kid comes down with Stockholm's Syndrome very quickly it seems & he never tries to escape.  The kids take matters into their own hands and try to find evidence of the murders.  They take pictures of the inside of his truck, but that plot point won't be important until later.  After being propositioned by the slutty housewife (my aunt) earlier, he kills her beau and kills her.  Oh well, at least you got to go out with a silly effects shot...

Things don't go well for anyone involved, but especially for the town's random inhabitants.  The brother of the 'fat' kid confronts him about using his film for the pictures, since they have shots of him and his girlfriend having sex.  The point of this: to toss in some nudity.  Well, at least it wasn't my aunt!  The older brother is a wannabe cop and goes with the kid to catch the killer.  As it turns out, his 'I've got the gun- the badge will come later' plan fails and he gets killed alongside his lady.  The kids run around in fear as the villain uses the decapitated heads of the tailing policemen from earlier as puppets.  We get more chasing and stalking until the captured kid finally comes to his senses and aids his friends.  On the police side of the story, they find out about Howard's time in an asylum and visit it, only to discover that the patients are actually more sane than the doctors!  They casually-escape a riot and rush to the villain's lair.  Despite both of them being twice Clint's size, they accomplish nothing.  In the end, the captured kid rips off Friday the 13th: Part Four, knocks Howard into an ice cream mixer and the day is saved.  In the Epilogue, however, we learn that the kid is now insane, giving us a sequel bait ending that never got followed up on.

This is a very bad movie.  Don't get me wrong- it's pretty harmless and stupid.  The story is incredibly-stock and the only creativity has gone into some of the effects shots.  Most of the kills are either dull or are done off-screen.  Hell, my aunt only gets to do her best Jamie Lee Curtis scream before her throat is cut (I guess) in an off-screen shot.  All we get is the 'blood hitting the killer's face' scene to signify death- lame.  If you're going to kill one of my relatives, at least do it right!  The movie's pacing is a bit off, because it chose to do all of the 'flashbacks to Howard's treatment' scenes at random points in the movie.  You can't throw that in during the credits or anything?  The effect of this is to constantly stop what little plot the movie has going to make these bizarre scenes have room.  Do we need all of them?  No.  Just a hint to any future filmmakers that hire Clint Howard- one look at his face tells me that he's probably crazy.  If you feel the need to give me several scenes explaining why he's like that- just stop.  If you like shitty movies, this has a ton of those cliched conventions to laugh at.  It also has a cadre of actors that should/used to be able to do better, which is just icing on the cake.  For strong-willed fans of stupid cinema, this is a good viewing.

Next up, can you be a horror comedy without telling a single joke?  Tomorrow's crap film tries to answer that question.  Stay tuned...

Boll-shit: House of the Dead

Let me just state this for the record: I have not seen many Uwe Boll films. I have seen part of Bloodrayne, even less of Bloodrayne 2 and a good portion of Hitman. Most of his really terrible films (i.e. Seed, Postal), I know mainly through conjecture and commentary about him (i.e. the great Nostalgia Critic review of Alone in the Dark). Having said all that, let me make something else clear: every film of his that I have seen has been terrible. So, in that spirit, let's look at one of his first major films...

House of the Dead

Our film begins with a man lamenting how bad the night ended. He also seems aware of events that he has no way to know about. He also stops being our narrator within the first five minutes, making this Sunset Boulevard homage- entirely pointless. We are introduced to two things that eventually connect: a weekend-long rave on a deserted island and a bunch of yuppies trying to catch a boat. They hire a vaguely-ethnic boat captain and his bearded-weirdo of an assistant(Clint Howard) to take them there, which they do when the Coast Guard comes to inspect them. Even Boll points out the illogical idea of the Coast Guard arriving on foot and not by boat. Meanwhile, a woman goes off to skinny dip in a lake, but keeps her nether regions covered- damned American standards! Her guy stays on the beach, but disappears when she looks back for him. She notices air bubbles coming up and something grabs her leg...but lets go a second later. Thank you- that went nowhere. She wanders out looking for him, stumbles upon a creepy-looking stone house and wanders in. She finds her man dead- with an arm though his torso- and the scene fades out. A similar event happens a bit later, showing us the real creativity on display here. Our group finally gets on the island- after introducing a sub-plot with our Captain- and find an empty rave. Well, start drinking anyways...

*

Three of them wander off to find the other party, even after finding a bloody shirt. While they are off, one of the couples wants to have sex. They get interrupted by a zombie attack...which is not shown. O-kay, why not? The others approach the creepy house and only one of them thinks that it is a bad idea ("Haven't you seen Scooby-Doo," she asks). They stumble upon a group of survivors (including the man who is clearly our real lead), who show them handy-cam footage of the attack on the rave. You don't show it full-frame, why? This film is obsessed with not showing you zombie attacks! They get back, only to learn that the girlfriend is a zombie, who promptly kills one of the survivors- thanks for coming! She is killed by the reveal of our Coast Guard woman, who has a gun and is thus the best character. They head to the boat- which earlier featured the Captain fending off zombies with his pistol that fires 13 shots- but find it overrun with zombies. Naturally, one of the women wanders into the water to help, but only gets attacked herself. Fortunately, the Captain has swam to shore, dried off and picked up a machine gun with a scope. Logic, where did you go?

*

To sum the movie up (my brain is hurting too much), the Captain relates a story of how a prisoner took over a Spanish galleon (not the one from The Ghost Galleon) and crashed it on the island. Fine, but how did we get zombies? The Captain reveals his magic bag of weapons in a scene that would make John Rambo get hard. They put on possibly the dumbest and silliest action scene of all time as the movie spins around in slow-motion and hyper-edits the shit out of the scene. It also jumps back and forth to game footage, as if you could not get the homage. If you are shooting zombies en mass, you don't need to explain it! It has to be seen to believed! They go inside and discover numerous experiments on dead people. But who is behind it? After running through a tunnel- again pointing out the obvious homage- they run into...the zombified version of the prisoner. Apparently, he has bested death and learned how to make zombies. Please explain this, movie! Our heroes suddenly escape and end up outside, where they must- seriously- sword-fight the zombie pirate. The woman is stabbed, but helps the man finish off the zombie. In the end, we learn that our hero is actually the evil scientist from the game!

*

To review, the scientist learned how to make zombies from a zombie pirate. This, after zombies killed all of his friends. Fuck you, Uwe.

*

This movie is bad- real bad. I'll admit that I had dramatically low hopes for this movie and it was not Red Zone Cuba. However, the film does insult your intelligence at every turn and fulfills all of the cliches. In audio commentary, the film is at least a little more bearable as you can hear Uwe's stupid observations. For example, real acting is when actors pretend that a box they are lifting in a scene is heavy. That's what Olivier was missing! He also explains that his film is unique because the people don't just run around and get killed. Instead, they pick up guns, fight the zombies and then get killed. Sorry, Uwe, but your movie is bad. It constantly references the game, but ignores the fact that it has no plot to begin with. You are two cops, you shoot zombies and you win. This movie is bad and should be laughed at- case closed.

*

A special thanks to the Movie Screenshots blog that gave me my shots, since I was too lazy to Vid Cap this movie.

*

Up next, a film that wants to be porn, but only cast ugly, uninteresting people. This smells like Jesus Franco. Stay tuned...

Dos Ex Machina: Evilspeak

This Satan fellow really gets around. He has been a force in every country, from England (Satan's Slave) to Spain (Alucarda) to Indonesia (The Killing of Satan). His stops in America have been more famous, although today's subject is one of the few exceptions. Why have we completely forgotten about...

Evilspeak

I will preface this review by stating that a lot of this plot will seem very contrived. That is all.

*

In an elite military school, young boys are turned into men a la Robert E. Lee or Ulysses S. Grant. Then there is our hero. He is clumsy, out of shape and going prematurely bald. The best and the brightest, my ass! Actually, it is stated that he only got in because of his family's legacy and he sure knows it. He is disrespected, pushed around and generally talked down-to. This sure won't end in a bloody rampage, right?

*

Left to his own devices, the young man discovers a computer that is used to catalog old religious artifacts. While in the basement, he discovers numerous Satanic works. That is sure odd to have at a Catholic school, isn't it? Maybe it has something to do with the intro of the movie showing a heretic (played by Richard Moll) being decapitated over one-hundred years ago. Fed up with being messed with, our young hero begins to learn a spell of power. It requires some stuff that is not easily found. More torture, I guess.

*

This movie is full of characters that are just unnaturally mean. Our lead discovers a puppy that he keeps down in the attic. After a night of drinking and carousing, the tormentors wander down to the attic. They see Clint's Commodore 64 out with instructions on how to summon Satan. Seeing that he needs innocent blood, they naturally grab the puppy and kill it with a sacrificial dagger. Wait, what?!? I've heard of angry drunks, but murderous drunks are a new thing to me entirely. This pushes our hero over the edge and to finish the spell. Crap is going to come down now, people!

*

After a long build-up, super-evil Clint is born. He first causes a nail on a statue of Jesus to drive through the forehead of the Chaplain. Blowing a hole in the floor, he emerges through it a la Cathy Rigby. He is a bit creepier than her, with his hair matted back and sword in hand. A bloody and vicious series of killings takes place. Oddly, nobody survives this and there is no comeuppance for our hero/villain. Um...okay. The End.

*

This movie is a strange, strange thing. It is basically a rip-off of Carrie, but with a guy and Satan. It has the same pacing of its inspiration and works like any other revenge film. The difference is that his tormentors go above and beyond the normal call of duty for a bully. The message is also odd: Satan will solve all of your problems. A curious film that all interested parties should see at least once.

*

You want parody films really need? Lots of nudity. Stay tuned...