Shudder-day: Creepshow- 'George Romero in 3-D'

 As we are in the last Episode of Creepshow so far, let's do each segment separately this time.

It is a fitting tribute to the man behind this whole Show (even if he didn't live to see it come to fruition) ...

In Pittsburgh, a Book Store is in trouble.

They don't sell online and are going to soon lose their lease.

They discover a box of unpublished Comics written by George Romero.

It turns out that this Store was built on Romero's old Production Company Building.

The sale of the Comics could save them, but there's a catch- the 3-D effect seems to bring a Zombie out of the Comic Book.

So now the ragtag group must get some help out of the pages of the comic itself.

Can Paper George Romero help them save the day as they throw in a half dozen homages to his Films?

To find out, check it out now.

A fun little segment.  The idea of this one is a weird one, but I'm here for it.

The idea of Zombies coming out of a form of Media is not new, of course.  A Film about them coming out of a TV is one I can think of right away.

I do like how they made it about Romero's allegedly-unreleased Comics.

Was that based on a real thing?  I'm too lazy to Google it, so...sure.

They have a fun time with the 3-D aspect and the idea of a Romero avatar.  I was worried about how that would come off, but the effect is nice and it is a loving homage.

The whole Segment is fun and great.  It sure beats other attempts to do Romero Films in 3-D...

A nice homage to Mr. Romero- as you'd expect.  A nice twist on a Zombie story, even in this condensed form.

New Crap: Spiders 3-D (2013)

 At last, I have the complete Story.  This is totally a Sequel.  This is Spiders 3-D, a 2013 Film that is about, well, you know.  Granted- there is a Film called Bug that is about people on Meth AND there is a Film called Spider that is actually a Psychological Thriller with Ralph Fiennes.  There's also a Film called Star Chamber, which is actually a Legal Thriller, so why not?!?  So yeah, this is the last Film about Giant Spiders for a while.  Once you pop, you just can't stop!  This time, Boaz Davidson is back again and we have Tibor Takacs, whose Films I haven't covered since 2012.  As a refresher, he's done a ton of these Syfy Channel Films like Killer Rats, Mega Snake and Ice Spiders.  There's also a shared Lead from that last Film- the poor dude can't escape Spiders!  If you like better Films, he did also did both of The Gate Films too.  Do we have anything else besides Giant Spiders?  Nope.  To find out what we've got, read on...

A Satellite crashes into New York City and nobody seems to notice.

I couldn't find a shot of it, but this random Google Image is better than what the Film has.

It crashes into the Subway and it is here we get the first big problem of the Film.

In short, they have one Backlot Set to use.  They ALWAYS go back to the same Block.
I guess the money was all spent on CGI and Radios.

Investigating the incident, one of the Workers is attacked by a CGI Spider and killed.

This leads the Government to block the area, which, yes, is just this one Block.

I guess just take another Train.  Also take one that is not located in Bulgaria, where this Film was shot.

Under the City, Government Agents monitor the various-sized Spiders.  They want/need a Queen to be born because something something webbing as armor.

Again- there's 'Science' in this so silly that it needs like six more quotation marks.  So, in other words, '''''''Science!'''''''

To ground the Film (pause for laughter), our Hero and Heroine are a divorcing Couple who have to rescue their Daughter- stuck in the Quarantine/Lockdown- and her friend.

Oops- just the Daughter now!

The Spiders finally get out and start killing people.

Confusingly, the Soldiers are sent to catch them and not kill them...which is why they shoot at them.

Mind you, the guns do nothing, so...good call?

Can he rescue his Wife- who is good at running away from things- and Daughter?

Or will the Queen of all Giant Spiders- who clearly wants to be the Cloverfield Monster- end them all?

To find out, watch the Film.  It is new enough to avoid SPOILERS, but it is also really predictable.

A pretty silly Film that gets mired a bit in weird Plot Points.  So we have Giant Spiders- check.  We have a Government Experiment- alright.  Now we have evil Russians operating in NYC- um...okay.  They want Giant Spiders to make webbing for armor (or something)- huh?!?  The whole 'conspiracy' angle really doesn't add all that much.  Why not just have Giant Spiders get loose?  Do we need all of the attempts at social commentary that don't really work in a Film called Spiders 3-D?  No.  Seriously, I'd almost take all of the stalling in Spiders 2 over this- almost.  If you can get past all that nonsense, the actual CGI and Action is pretty good.  As I mentioned, there's Budget discrepancies here.  The CGI Spiders honestly look pretty good in small doses.  It is just a shame that everything else looks so cheap here.  Imagine a terrible, low-budget Film like Suburban Sasquatch, for instance.  Now imagine if someone spent $7 million to make *just the Sasquatch* look realistic.  It's still cheap as hell and awful, but it now has a 'photo-realistic' Sasquatch.  Is it good?  No.  As a B-Movie that tries to be more, I can respect the Film to a point.  As it is, Spiders 3-D (which I watched in 2-D, to be clear) is kind of fun, but never truly feels good or cohesive.  Just don't tell that to whoever was mocking up the DVD Promo Art- he's in it to win it!

Next up, I cover a different kind of Giant Animal- Electric Eels.  Find out how you can make a Film about them with faulty Science and confusing tonal shifts.  Stay tuned...

(Legally) Lost in Translation: Atlantic Rim

Well, Maynard spoiled it for anyone who has read the Comments on a previous post.  Damn Austrians.

Just kidding, buddy- I was going to show this one anyways.

Here's Atlantic Rim in Europe...

That has so many silly parts.  The Actors names with their Credits- most of which are over a Decade old-, the re-used art and the German translation beneath it.

The Asylum = Too cheap to just make new Box Art for non-English Speaking Countries.  Sorry, Portugal!

As a bonus, here's the other format that the film was released in.  I expect you to review this version, Maynard...

Get right on that, will you?  Good lad.

In Your Face!: Amityville 3-D

Two questions: first, does this title inspire any confidence? Second, how many people are actually aware of just how many of these films people made? Even with the third film, I am barely touching the tip of the iceberg. I'll get to some of those in due time. Is there anything special about this movie aside from the 3-D aspect. Read and find out in my review of...

Amityville 3-D

The film begins with a couple having a seance for their dead son. The whole thing turns pretty weird, hitting all the notes: glowing lights, flickering power and possessed voice. But, there is one problem: it is all fake. Even more fake than everything else in the movie, that is. Our 'couple' it seems is actually a pair of ghost/myth de-bunkers. Take that, plot of The Reaping! This film needs something to ruin all the fun though.

*

Like another 3-D horror film, the film bogs itself down with family melodrama. Basically, the lead and his wife are split-up and always fighting over their teenage daughter. The dad buys up the famed Amityville house against her wishes. Her friend (Meg Ryan) is trying to push her to loosen up and have some fun. This will certainly end well.

*

The non-family plot breaks down like this: people show up to the house or leave the house, somethings scares/kills them and people react. Highlights include the guy who is killed by flies (no, really) and the woman who is impaled by a metal beam through a window...and then explodes into flames. Even using 3-D in this scene does not allow it to make sense. Did she go through spontaneous combustion at the same time? Why the hell did that happen?

*

There are some interesting things to note. One thing is that they allow killings to happen outside of the house. Unfortunately, this is done by way of...fly angels of death. Yeah, I don't get it either. They also dare to kill off a main character before the third act that you would not expect. But they do not show it- at all. Good job, movie!

*

In case you had not noticed, I have not said much about the 3-D effects. Like Parasite, the effects are nearly non-existent here. Why did you put it in the title if you don't want to use it? I mean, why would you...holy shit, they are making up for it now! The finale involves at least a dozen effects, as well as wire effects, falling objects and more dry ice than a Def Leppard concert. Way to overcompensate, guys! It all ends in a surprisingly bleak manner and in a way that makes it appear to be the last film. Yeah...that was as successful as Friday the 13th: Part Four- The Final Chapter. Final my ass!

*

This movie is honestly not that terrible. It has some serious faults (seriously, why did they kill this character off-camera) that hamper it. They take some risks (leaving the house), but there is not enough pay-off. It tends to raise more questions than it answers. Seriously, how does the house kill you miles away or affect elevators? I should not have enough time to stop and think about questions like this. If you wanted to see a good 3-d horror film, you obviously had a long wait ahead of you. Next.

*

I should probably stop talking about the Amityville films. Then again, I am nuts. Stay tuned...

In Your Face!: My Bloody Valentine 3-D

For once, I am going to do a film that was actually recent. I decided to take a break from films made before my birth or before any of my readers' possible births. This film is part of the recent rash of 3-D films that started in a minor way back in 2006. When will a horror film enter the fray? How about now...

My Bloody Valentine 3-D

Remaking one of the earliest slasher films in America is a given. More notable, however, is that the original film was an import from Canada. In a way, it did not get enough credit for doing so well. Will a remake change that?

*

The film begins with a newspaper montage of the mining disaster. It eventually reveals that one man survived and seemingly killed all of his friends with a pick-axe. The police are waiting for him to wake up from his coma...which he does when they leave the room. They return to the hospital later and find close to a dozen people slaughtered. I guess just coming out of a coma doesn't slow you down. He rushes to the mine shaft, which is naturally hosting a drinking/sex party. Well, this feels like an 80s film so far.

*

We meet a pair of couples (one cute and one bitchy) at the mine. One-by-one, people are being killed by the miner. We get some tasty deaths like a half-decapitation (upper half only) and the classic eye punch-out. They actually use a little 3-D here. The cute couple's girl and the male half of the bitchy one escape, leaving the nice guy in with the killer. He survives 1,000,000x longer than anyone else so far, but is finally trapped. That is when the two cops show up and shoot the killer full of holes. Let's time-jump now!

*

10 years later, our enigmatic hero returns to town to sell his father's mine. The pairing who escaped the mine are now married and have a kid. The sheriff and the other codgers of the town are not happy about the mine situation. Oh yeah, the miner killer returns as well, making a philandering couple his first victims, as well as a midget. No, really. Naturally, the guy who was gone while the killings stopped and came back when the killings started again is the top suspect. Meanwhile, angst abounds.

*

The film goes as follows: plot, angst, plot, killing, plot, angst, plot, killing. The movie lingers on the story involving the wife's feelings for the hero, her issues with her marriage and the idea that she is working with her husband's secret lover. Thankfully, we get some good 3-D enhanced killings between all the padding. If you can get past all of this, you get an interesting mystery tale and some brutal murders. Aside from the usual issue of 'serial heavies walking as running,' it is pretty logical. No teleporting Jason here.

*

I won't spoil the ending for you since the film is so new. I will say this: the DVD promotion of the alternate ending is bullshit. It is the same ending, just with about ten seconds of new footage. It's not quite as bad as the 'alternate opening' promotion for Incredible Hulk though.

*

Honestly, the movie is pretty good. The feeling of mystery in a slasher film reminds me a bit of a giallo film, which is a good thing. It lingers a bit too long in dramatic dialog for my tastes at times though. Any film where a midget is killed with a pick axe while a naked woman hides under a mattress is worth a rental in my book. It is a bit too 'ehh' at times, but is enjoyable as a whole.

*

Let's hop back to the 80s for the first 3-D haunted house film. Stay tuned...

In Your Face!: Parasite

The idea of 3-D films has always been odd to me. Films are not entertaining enough, so we need shit coming at us? As a film buff, that has always been a questionable bit of logic. The issue also comes as to whether the 3-D element would be the key selling point (Coming at Ya!) or just a bonus feature (Friday the 13th, Part 3). Enough talk- let's review...

Parasite

To begin with, this is a very overly-complex setup to an otherwise simple film. Basically, some weird experiment got released and f-ed up the free world. How and why is never quite elaborated on. All I know is that people live in messed up houses, criminals are everywhere and people in silver instead of cash. What an arbitrary choice of currency, film!

*

Our hero is a mysterious man in a very 80s car who arrives in a tenement village disguised as a town. The only people are an older lady who owns a house, a general store owner, his cute young helper (pre-fame Demi Moore), a gas station owner and a group of thugs. I wonder which one will be the bad guys? Our hero settles in at a guest room held by the lady and gets acquainted with everyone. He has a mysterious secret relating to his 'research' and a canister. More on that later.

*

Around this time, another mysterious man shows up to one of the film's five sets. He wears a suit, drives another 80s car and, oh yeah, has a laser gun. This is the first thing of the sort in the film. I should also point out that no major 3-D effects have been seen so far. He questions people about our hero, but takes a while to get anywhere, which is odd. You see, the town is very small when they show it, but very large when it comes to the other guy. It must be the TARDIS effect. Meanwhile, the gang stirs up trouble.

*

Being a gang, they have to threaten everyone for any reason possible. They eventually get to our hero and wonder about his parcel. After beating him up and stealing it, they find...a monster in a can! Finally, some 3-D! The thing wreaks havoc and kills at least one of the member. Meanwhile, our quiet villain gets closer. Our hero gets to know the young lady, who agrees to help him out with his problems.

*

The whole thing eventually comes to a peak. Our hero fights the gang members, making time to work in some 3-D effects. The other villain finally shows up and fights the scientist as well. We get our third monster appearance in a monster movie and a big flaming finale. The day is saved...well, sort of. The whole apocalypse thing has still happened. The End.

*

To be honest, this is not a good film. It takes a long time to get started, has too much going on and never really explains all that much. The acting is lacking, the sets are super-minimalist and the direction is merely adequate. I should explain that it was directed by Charles Band, the head of the Band family of directors/producers/writers. These are the people that brought us Puppet Master vs. The Demonic Toys, Robot Jox 2 and Evil Bong. I guess that I should not have been expecting anything better.

*

Let's get away from the 80s and do some new 3-D. Stay tuned...