Forgotten TV: Bionic Ever After? (1994)

 Are you ready to get Bionic?!?

This is Bionic Ever After, the 1994 TV Movie that serves as the final (so far) entry in the Six Million Dollar Man/Bionic Woman Series.

If you don't know what that is, you're probably taking a break from TikTok.

In short, a man and a woman were given bionic upgrades (legs, an arm and eyes) to help the Government stop bad guys (and sometimes Bigfoot).

They returned in a 1987 TV Movie which was a Backdoor Pilot for a new Show.
They next returned in a 1989 TV Movie which was also a Backdoor Pilot.  It famously features Sandra Bullock.

Five years later, the Cast (minus the new additions) returned for this final TV Movie to wrap things up!

In the Plot, the Bionic Woman is having mechanical issues while a bad guy plans to 'do a Die Hard' in Nassau.  When both of them have issues, can they save the day?

This one did NOT introduce a new Bionic Character, so you'll have to make do with a stupid Wedding.

To find out how this weird finale turned out, read on...

5 years after the last one, Jamie Summers and Steve Austin are finally getting married.

How sweet.
(It's also the only reason that she came back as Jamie).

However, someone is out to get them.

Based on this shot, it's Dr. Claw from Inspector Gadget!

I mean, they are agents with bionic parts and he was too.

However, Jamie is having problems with her bionic parts.

She loses a game of racquetball, which is Steve's first clue.

Why is this happening?

Sabotage!

This mysterious stranger is messing with the chips that run her bionic parts and making her break down!

While this is going on, bad guys take a whole party full of people in Nassau hostage.  The goal- get this Tennis Player who is possibly going to defect.

In the Intro, we see Jamie counseling a sad Agent.
Later, she's sent out into the field with Steve when Jamie goes down from her issues.

Shock twist- she's a bad guy!  
She sabotages Steve's arm bionics (but not his legs or eyes, because reasons).

Luckily, they are able to fix Jamie.

They figured out that the lady was the traitor, since she blamed the OSI for taking all of the credit for her Dad's co-creation (the bionics).

An upgraded Jamie saves the day as Steve got caught.

The bad guys brought A NUKE with them, but it's just a distraction.  What?!?

They are kidnapping the Player, since he's worth $20 million to somebody.

Their elaborate plan involves dressing up like the good guys and leaving in a hurry, being authoritative to a random guy.
It's how they got in too!

His bionics not all of the way working, Steve can't stop them.

Thankfully, Jamie shows up and chucks a sewer lid at them like a discus!
This kills nobody.

Steve gets his moment, shooting the detonator and saving the day.

The duo finally get married.

It ends with a stinger of Steve jokingly asking about having kids...forgetting that he has a bionic one already from the first TV Movie!

The End.

A decent TV Movie, even if it drops the pretense of the original Films.

The first Film introduces a new Bionic and some bad guys.
The second Film introduces a new Bionic Heroine, as well a surprise villain who is also Bionic.

The third Film has a random bad guy and then a pair of normal bad guys.

That's...odd.

The Plot is fine, giving us the big payoff to the 2 Leads finally getting married. 
We don't get the most amount of bionic action here and some of it is a bit silly.  Do we need Lee Majors running in slow motion and doing nothing?  Nah.

The whole thing is alright, but if you're not already a fan, it's just a so-so TV Movie.

That said, I do suddenly grave a Frosty for some reason.

Not AI.  That's really Dave from Wendy's.

Next time, let's finally pay off my purchase of Daywatch.  I spent $1 a year (or so) ago and I'm going to get my money's worth!  Stay tuned...

Poor Bastards of Cinema: Don't Be Afraid of the Dark (1973)

 A guy who doesn't even get his name mentioned on the Wiki Page!

In Don't Be Afraid of the Dark, a young couple move into a new House.

The Wife is showing off what needs work done to her Interior Decorator friend.

He vanishes from the Movie after this Scene.

He returns in Act 3 as he's visiting the Wife again about work to be done.

Like before, they go downstairs.

...only for the creatures to set out a rope line and trip him!

He falls (off camera) and is shown to be dead at the bottom of the stairs.
(This Film was shot in a week- no time for Stunts!)

Yeah...that's it for him.

This guy didn't even really know about ANY of the danger.  He wasn't a threat to the creatures.

He was collateral damage, as they meant to trip her instead!

The moral- don't be a Designer in a '70s Movie.  You either end up dead (him) or as a Vampire...and then dead (Blacula).

It's not worth the risk. 

Rare Flix: Don't Be Afraid of the Dark (1973)

 Is it possible to scare lots of people with a simple TV Movie?

Don't Be Afraid of the Dark was, you guessed it, a TV Movie from 1973.  It was made as part of a TV Movie Series for ABC.

Back before VHS, DVD and later Streaming, Movies of the Week were a big deal.  Think of them like Netflix Originals, but for the bunny ears on TVs Generation.

The Plot involves a young Couple who move into a House and the Wife is drawn to a bricked up fireplace.  This didn't end well for the Amityville bunch, but will it here?

She eventually learns that something was living down there and now its free.  As a liberated '70s woman, however, everyone thinks that she's just nuts!

Can she solve the mystery and save, well, herself?

To find out, read on...

A young couple settle on an old House to live in while the Husband works towards a promotion.

Something about this locked room with a bricked off fireplace draws the Wife to it.

The Handyman tells her to leave things alone and that it is impossible to mess with it.

These two facts seem contradictory.

He also doesn't just explain things, so the Movie can happen.

The Movie happens, naturally, and she does open the fireplace.

After she leaves, we see a green glow and strange voices talking.

Weird stuff happens around the House, but only around her.

Her Husband thinks that she's just stressed and imagining things.

'70s Husbands were the worst!

As it turns out, she was right.

There are weird little...whatever they are that escaped.

They want her.  But why?!?

They plan to go after her while the Husband is away meeting with a client.

It also seems that the creatures change sizes as they were last seen the size of a switchblade.  The next time, they are as tall as trash cans.

The Wife and her Friend are at the House while he's still away.

They take the power out and put some sleeping pills (given to her by a Doctor) in the lady's coffee.

The friend gets locked outside- these guys are fast as hell!- while the Husband leaves to get the information from the Handyman.

The House was built in the 19th Century and the Man who owned it was dragged down the fireplace hole, hence it being boarded up.

Can they get there in time to save the Wife as she's being dragged away by the creatures?

Nope- it's the '70s.
People were really bleak then.

Sorry- I hope you have better luck in the Remake.

A strong, tightly focused tale of terror (with a few silly details).

It should be noted that this one was fast-tracked into Production on account of a looming Writer's Strike.  It was done in just two weeks.

With that in mind, the final product is still pretty darn good.
The Plot works, making you empathize with this poor woman that nobody believes.

The main issue- the creatures.

They look odd and creepy- no question.
The look of them aside, they change in scale, their mouths don't move and we don't really know why they are doing what they are doing.

If you can accept how strange and kind of silly the creatures are, you can have a good, frightful time!

Next up, I check out a Horror Comedy that I've been putting off for ages.  If you like Wolves, you're in luck, right?  Stay tuned...

Streaming Standard: Bionic Showdown- The Six Million Dollar Man and the Bionic Woman (1989)

 Get ready for THREE times the slow-motion running to that 'dee-dee-dee-dee' sound.

This is Bionic Showdown (I'll stick with this truncated version), a 1989 TV Movie that was also a Backdoor Pilot.
I guess this is Pilot Wings too, eh?

In 1987 (about a decade after the Shows ended), a TV Movie reunited the 2 Stars.  It was a hit and this Sequel was made.
This was setting up a new TV Show (which I'll get to), but that never came to pass.

It goes in the Failed Pilot Section of my mind alongside The Greatest American Heroine and Kung Fu: The Next Generation.

Even if this didn't go anywhere, should you care?  Well, yes.  A future Star and Oscar Winner is the subject of said Pilot attempt, so let's bend right into...

Our 2 Heroes are working together- since the last Film- and they are getting close.

Lee Majors is going to spend the whole time working up the nerve to ask her to marry him, which sets up the 1994 follow-up (of sorts).

Elsewhere, a young woman named Kate (who was paralyzed due to an unnamed disorder) was chosen to be the next 6 Million Dollar Person.

This is...is that...yes, it is indeed Sandra Bullock.

A mysterious man attacks the OSI base and takes some intel.

He seems to have Bionic Powers, something that only 4 known people have (our Leads and Majors' offscreen kid).

As such, our Leads are under suspicion and therefore escape the facility.

A bomb- seemingly designed to kill Steve- seemingly paralyzes their Boss' son, which sets up a B-Plot.

The three Bionic People work together to figure out what is going on, using the tenuous clues.

The Bionic Stranger (not his official Title) breaks in and kidnaps the Boss, who recently quit when they wouldn't bionically enhance his son.

Bullock is a longtime friend of the Son, which sets up their romantic B-Plot.

The irony is that he was friends with her when she was paralyzed and now, he is.

Not all irony is funny, kids.

The OSI figures out that the Intel is related to the World Unity Games, an Olympic-style event.

They put Kate undercover in the Games and she's working with an OSI Agent named Devlin.

It is Geraint Wyn Davies, so he's obviously the bad guy.

In spite of being attacked on the first Night of the Games, Kate still keeps working.

Meanwhile, the other Bionic folks try to find the missing Boss, who was kidnapped by two That Guy Actors.

She ultimately sees Davies plan in motion (a bomb and he has the detonator), so she jumps into action to stop him.

In spite of taking a shot put to the stomach, Davies has a big fight with Bullock.

She ends up tossing him off of the roof, still not knowing who made him bionic.

Now I can't wait to see her in action...

Oh right.  
The End.

A pretty enjoyable TV Movie, even if it relies pretty heavily on nostalgia.

This kind of thing was very common in the 80s, of course, with Perry Mason returning for TV Movies, along with The Brady Bunch, Kojak, Get Smart and more.

The Film tries to balance that, featuring the Leads in strong, supporting Roles, and a new Heroine for a new (not to be) Series.  It is a bit off-balance at first, but it gets there.

For better or worse, she is the one with the newer Bionics and a younger body (she's 25 and 15 years younger respectively).  Her bionic run has a neat little blur effect, which was somewhat reused for The Flash a bit later. 

They still help out, but it is her adventure, and she is clearly set up for more to come.  Alas, no.

Apparently the 1987 reunion Film was also a Backdoor Pilot, but it isn't on Peacock (nor is the 1994 Film).  I guess I'll find that one somewhere later.

As it stands, it is a decent adventure that will please fans of the Show and leave them wanting more.
Kudos to the Internet for someone saving this Newspaper Article about the Film using a real Hospital for Bullock's Bionic Installation Scene...

Did they spell it 'Bulloch?'

Is this only available to stream due to Bullock?  Probably.  Should you see it for that?  Yes.

Tubi Thursday: Wes Craven's Summer of Fear (1978)

 Summer Lovin' had me a blast.
Summer Lovin' had me so...never mind, there's a Witch in Town.

The heat is on!

Linda Blair is a young lady who's living a great life.

She has rich Parents, lives in the California Valley and has a horse.
She didn't in the Book this is based on, but Blair loved Horses, so...

In the Cold Open, a car crashed and we find out that her Aunt died.

The Parents fly to the funeral and return with her Cousin, who will stay for the summer.

What could go wrong?

Fun Fact: Blair's Nurse Friend is Fran Drescher.

Who watched this in 1978 and guessed she'd be in charge of the Screen Actors Guild?

Blair has big plans- a Dance with her Boyfriend and a Horse Riding Show the next day.

She suddenly comes down with hives and the Cousin goes with her boyfriend.

Her Brother is upset that they spend the whole time together and...I'm sorry, but I need to see a Family Tree.

Her Brother wants to date her Cousin?  What is he, a Roosevelt?

More things start to go wrong, including her Horse going rogue and having to be put down.
She even takes Blair's dress...and looks good in it.  The bitch!

She sees evidence that the girl might be a Witch, including a drawing with her covered in hives (via markers) and other occult paraphernalia.

She tries to learn more about Witches from a Professor friend...who almost immediately has a stroke and nearly dies.

As you can probably guess, she's 100% right.

Can she turn the family against Blair?
Will this '70s film have a happy ending?

To find out, stream this hidden piece of Craven's filmography now.

A decent Film- just set appropriate expectations for it.

This is a TV Movie.  It has a TV Movie Budget.
It has a TV Movie Scale.

The most our Witch does is off-camera magic and wear contact lenses.
I've seen lots of Films about Witches and the Occult- I think that this is the first one to have a Car Chase as the Climax.

Now I have to think that the unseen villain from Duel was some kind of Warlock!

The Film is fine.  It doesn't deviate too much from what you'd expect.  It is pretty low stakes and not exactly big budget.

Blair and company do fine.  Just don't expect anything amazing and you'll enjoy it.

Now, if everything truly is getting a Remake at some point, I know who needs to the play the evil Cousin... 

A fairly by-the-numbers TV Movie that doesn't have much Craven flair.  That said, it is breezy, enjoyable and just fine.

King Me: Stephen King's The Stand (1994) *Part 4*

 A big finale is upon us!

To see what happened in Part 1, go here.
For Part 2, here.
For Part 3, here.

Now, let's get to Standing!

Right off the bat, Flagg makes Harold crash his bike.  Nadine lives him.

He offs himself the next day and that wraps up that Arc!

Flagg can identify two of the Spies, but not the third.
Tom 'M-O-O-N spells MOON' Cullen is apparently immune because...um...let's not go there.

So, he needs his men to capture the ones he knows and get the information.

His men accidentally kill The Judge (thanks for nothing, Ossie Davis) and he pops up to kill...Sam Raimi?!?

For all my complaints about Flagg's absence in the last 3 parts, he more than makes up for it here.

This is The Randal Flagg Show, co-starring everyone else.

He tries to interrogate the other Spy (Dayna- who helped restore power, but now just wears lingerie).
She tries to kill him, but he morphs and laughs it off.

She offs herself (a weird theme here) and he gets no information.

Things go better in the Desert where he finally meets Nadine in person (or, in creature, to be more accurate).  

He has his way with her, the woman realizing too late that he's a Monster.

Things go worse when he takes her back to Vegas, she freaks out and, you guessed it, offs herself- denying him his demon baby.

As random luck would have it, the mean lady from Part 2 (aka Shawnee Smith) is now in Vegas and spots Tom Cullen leaving.

He sends folks out to get him in the Desert, including...John Landis?!?

Our Heroes, meanwhile, are wandering through the Desert- like in the Bible, you see- and Sinise breaks his leg.

He asks them to leave him behind, which works out well in the end.

The other three are captured near the border and Ray Walston is killed.

The other two are tied in a cross-like manner- again, like the Bible, you see- and given a 'show trial' for a bombing done by Trashcan Man.

Speaking of him, he did find one of the Nukes and drives it into the City towed behind an ATV.
Google says that the missiles can weigh anywhere between 600 lbs. and 79,000 lbs., so...is that even possible?

Regardless, the Hand of God appears- since every King Mini-Series needs usually dodgy CGI in Act 3- and sets off the bomb, killing everyone.

I guess it is a happy ending for our Heroes...is it?

Sinise and Tom Cullen watch the City explode in the distance.

Time to go home.

They get back by Winter and are met by...Stephen King?!?

Oh right- he was in Part 3 as well.  Never mind.

He tells them that Sinise's baby was born, but there's a catch.

It was born with the flu (how?!?) but manages to survive with the Parents' antibodies.

The Musician's Wife is also going to have a child, so the new Generation will continue.  
The End.

This sure...had lots of things happen.  I did get what I was asking for.

Right off the bat, what was the point of the spies?  They never reported back.  Two of them didn't even come home.  Tom comes home, but only after the bomb goes off.

About the bomb, he hired the crazy guy to bring it to him...and he did.  What was the big plan again?

Randall Flagg is kind of awful as a Character- at least as far as his planning goes.  All of his men fail.  All of his plans fail.  He spends all 4 Parts trying to do them and...fails.

Yes, he does fail to a literal Deus Ex Machina.  Even so, was his plan going to work otherwise?  Doubtful.

The finale leaves so many people out- specifically the people back in Boulder.  It's almost like they spent 90% of the other parts in Boulder and then overcompensated here.

At least we get 3 Director Cameos.

I'd nitpick more, but I think that the Film has become self-aware.

Next time, a random pick from my pile of Horror Remakes from the '00s.  It is a tale of violence, but is the message still there?  Stay tuned...