Moon Over Miami: Evil Bong 2- King Bong

Another one of these...ugh.  Thanks to Moviestop- my source for movies that I have no business owning- I got this movie.  It was part of an 8-film set on two discs, alongside such films as Doll Graveyard and Demonic Toys 2.  Is it any better?  Well, no.  Are you surprised?  More often than not, Full Moon sequels find a way to make even a decent idea bad.  The re-casting and random shadow powers from Subspecies 2 or the Jack Deth's teenage bride plot from Trancers II come to mind.  According to a fellow critic, the third Evil Bong film- why not?- is even worse than this.  Thank you, Law of Diminishing Returns!  First off, I should mention that Allistair has been re-cast (don't know why) and his love interest is not here.  The latter is explained via lazy writing, which also allows for Robin Sydney to be back for only a glorified cameo.  Don't worry- the asshole Grandpa is back though, even though his scenes added jack shit to the original movie.  To find out how silly this film's subtitle is, read on...

The movie spends the first few minutes recapping the previous film.  All of the clips, mind you, are being displayed on the villain's 'body.'  Here's where it gets really 'meta'...

Some vague time after the first movie, our heroes are all experiencing symptoms like the ones you get from smoking pot, albeit exaggerated.  Allistair is immune, however, since...um, his actor wouldn't put on a fat suit, I guess.

They eventually go to South America to find where the Evil Bong- now called Eebee- came from.  Naturally, they bring along the Delivery Man, because...um, he's weird.

Do you believe for a second that this 'establishing shot' is from anywhere near where the movie was filmed?  Didn't think so.

The Delivery Man- aka Rabbit- is the first victim of King Bong, who doesn't bother to appear until nearly an hour in.  He's got good company at least...

Not to question the prop department, but how could anyone have ever taken King Bong anywhere?  Isn't the point of the evil bongs to get into people's houses and kill them?  Who could even store that thing?

Remember that joke from Scary Movie 2 where the guy is rolled up into a 'doobie' by a killer tree?  Well, this is basically the same joke...only many years later.  Nice Fly reference though.

Will our heroes be able to stop the giant bong and his topless ladies?  Well, duh.  The End.

This would be bad even if you were high.  The film is just so full of failed attempts at humor that it's almost a little sad.  The guy in a fat suit- been done.  The stoner who keeps passing out- what's the joke?  Rabbit and that damn face- good grief!  I can't even begin to explain how grating this movie was for me.  Any aspect of horror that was in the first film- the Monster Bras- is pretty much excised from this movie.  Even the random cameos are gone.  At least those could distract me from the 'plot' for a brief moment.  As a side note, I skipped over the cameo of Phil Fondacaro as his character from Decadent Evil in the original film.  How was he in the bong if he was dead?  This is just an example of Full Moon's slapping of logic in the face.  Why make another Evil Bong?  When you end the movie with the villain blowing up and everyone living happily ever after, you can stop.  To end this properly, let me explain to you how the Credits go.  King Bong talk/sings over them in a 'song' called 'Vagina Juice.'  No, really.  My brain hurts and so will yours.  I'll leave you with this badly-timed transition screenshot...

Next up, another pair of Full Moon films, this time with no pot.  Instead, we get an evil kid and a giant teddy bear.  Stay tuned...

Moon Over Miami: Evil Bong

Alright, let's get this pain over with.  There's no way that this was going to be good.  While I always hope that a movie will turn out good, there was just no way that this one would be.  First off, it's a Full Moon film, so I set my bar at the appropriate level.  I like stuff like Trancers II, but they put out more shit than a manure factory.  Secondly, it's more Comedy than Horror.  If they can't handle a proper horror film have of the time, how can they handle this?  Never mind that it's so specific a Sub-Genre (the Pot Comedy) that it only appeals to a small demographic to begin with.  So with the deck fairly stacked against this movie, let me discuss it a bit.  It's about an evil bong.  Wow, that didn't take long.  There's slightly-more going on here however, which I will get into in a moment.  To enjoy the smell of rancid bong water properly, read on...

This is a Stoner.  This is a Stoner in a Charles Band movie.   That clock in the background always says 4:20.  Any questions?

They eventually buy the titular object, getting it delivered by a guy who played a random character in Trancers II.  Ha- see what I did in the Intro now?  Random!

Speaking of which, this movie is full of random cameos.  Considering the plot is just these idiots getting high and being killed by strippers in Monster Bras, I can waste plenty of time here.  First, we have Ooga Booga from Doll Graveyard.

Oddly, the Jock from that movie who was killed by the same doll is also in Evil Bong, but isn't in the scene with Ooga.  How did you mess that opportunity up, Charles?

The Gingerdead Man- not voiced by Gary Busey- is here too.  That's one Full Moon franchise I'm not sad to see O.O.P....

Even Jack Deth shows up, 12 years after legitimately appearing in one of his films (and four years after this crap).  How?  Did Jack smoke the bong too?  If so, why does he just kind of leave?  Hello?!?

Tommy Chong- before his stop in prison- is here as the bong's original owner.  Not to give Full Moon ideas, but why have they not made a prequel about his experience with it in the '60s?  It can't be worse than the sequels are!

In The End, our heroes escape the Bong thanks to a Deus Ex Machina in the form of 'anti-weed' pills that Chong has.  Why would he have those again?  He blows himself up...from inside the Bong and dies...I guess. The other guys- they all live...after dying in the Bong.  Excuse me!

However, Chong lives on in the Bong...which he blew up.  He also plays with the formerly-evil strippers and his toy cars.  The *real* End.

You may want to forget this movie...like where you put your car keys.  Let me get this obvious statement out of the way- I am not this film's main audience.  Happy?  Good.  This movie is awful.  Watching it completely-sober, it's a bad comedy with dumb effects, a stupid stupid story and no redeeming characters.  Allistair would be that character, but he's written so broadly that he makes '90s John Goodman looks like '90s Oprah!  This is so just stock that it should be sold on Wall Street!  The characters are so dumb and annoying that...you get the drift.  If you are the kind of person who this film is made for, I feel sorry for you.  Not because of your drug of choice, but because of how people like Charles Band view you.  He looks at you and thinks 'This is for them.'  You poor guys.  In all seriousness, I'm glad that films like this get made for a certain audience.  I, however, am not that audience.  Now, if you'll excuse me, I'll continue to watch crap like this to make other people laugh.  Take us away, actress who can't say no to Full Moon...

Next up, the film's sequel...ugh.  I stumbled across this as part of DVD set...so you get to share my pain.  Stay tuned...

Werewolf Week: Big Bad Wolf

I ain't afraid of no wolves!  

Today's film is an obscure horror film from 2006, a sentence I probably use quite often.  This one, however, surprises me with its lack of fame.  I don't expect it to be a huge film, but I would think that more people on the Internet would be talking about it.  

The film takes the basic idea of a killer werewolf but gives the creature traits that are not often seen in them.  Quite simply, it's a talking werewolf...that's a complete asshole.  

It's Werewolf Freddy Kreuger, folks!  

Seriously, how is this not some sort of cult classic, at least!  

The film has no real stars to speak of, although it does star one lady from Dead Man's Hand and one of the guys from Flight of the Living Dead.  Yea?  

To find out just what this film has to offer and how it embraces the gimmick, read on...

In a pre-Credits scene, a group of men are killed by an unseen monster.  

One man survives, leading up to the actual film...

In a plot right out of Pumpkinhead 2 and a dozen other films, a group of 'kids' goes out to the woods.

They are going to spend the weekend at the stepdad's cabin, since he won't be there.

About twenty-odd minutes into the film, a werewolf attacks the cabin and starts killing everyone.  

Hand lady gets killed while topless (something that movie was missing), while the other slutty girl gets 'taken' by the werewolf.  

Bestiality?

In a weird plot turn, our two remaining heroes spend the rest of the movie investigating the case of who the werewolf was.  

Gee, I wonder if it is the guy that it obviously is?  

On the plus side, it's not Frank Whaley.

Is a sub-plot with a bunch of teen reporters hounding our heroes important?  No.  

Is it just a case of me setting up a future Poor Bastards of Cinema- you bet your ass it is!

The uncle of our hero tries to get the information to prove that the stepfather is a werewolf.  

How does it go?  Judge for yourself...

The finale of the film takes place at the Cabin, since this movie loves to recycle sets.  

They manage to work in a silly 'I love you, but we're friends' plot too, just to reach 90 minutes.  

Thanks for that.

The werewolf- who's totally not the stepdad- manages to survive the Cabin being burned down just to have one last hurrah, turning our Hero.  

Well, that and to set up a sequel...that will probably never happen.  

You win some, you lose some.  The End.

Big bad...decent film.  The plot of this movie could certainly be good.  

The problem is that the mystery is not, well, a mystery.  I guess that can work if the film just acts like it's a fact that you should know.  

Instead, they play it up for at least half of the film's run-time.  

That aside, the gore is quite good and the film uses a lot of practical effects.  I liked the werewolf suit, even when it got all burned up and looked like the guy from Howling VI.  

I could have done without the cheesy 'speed power' that the character randomly got that one time though.  

If you like gore, freaky scenarios and a plot full of disposable meat shields, you'll like this film.  It misses a lot of little things that make it actually good, but it's fun for the right audience.  

If you ever wanted to see a wise-cracking werewolf 'take' some lady, this is probably the only film for you!  Take us away, other case of pointless nudity...

Next up, I celebrate Thanksgiving with a film loosely involving the Old West, Geronimo and 'Mango' from SNL.  No, I'm still not doing Thankskilling!

Moon Over Miami: Dead Man's Hand/The Haunted Casino

Who needs a plot when you have C-List horror stars?  All kidding aside, I like Sid Haig and Michael Berryman.  I like Haig a little less because of the Rob Zombie connection.  To be fair, he was awesome in Galaxy of Terror, even if his own blade killed him.  As for Berryman, he mostly does bad movies because of his reputation and looks.  The bottom line: you don't cast him as the 'Wacky Uncle.'  So with this in mind, let's look at this 2007 cheapie from Charles Band- Dead Man's Hand: Casino of the Damned.  Oh, I mean, The Haunted Casino.  Despite the DVD on Netflix having the first title- and the film itself having it too- the movie is listed on Full Moon Direct under the second.  Both titles are silly, but at least the newer one relates more than a one-time line right before the end of the movie.  So what is this movie about?  Criminal ghosts inhabit a casino and try to kill people, since one of them is related to the guy who killed them.  Sounds like a Full Moon plot to me!  To find out how silly this really is, read on...

We get a shit-ton of filler here.  I'll spare you most of it and just give you this summary of what happens before the real horror begins...

- Two people check out the Casino and die.  More on them in a future Poor Bastards of Cinema induction.
- Our heroes show up to check out the place.  Their characters break down into Final Guy, Final Girl, Nerd Girl, Joke Guy, Slut Girl and Rocker Guy.
- They see random ghosts, which are signaled with changes to the lighting.  How?  Good question!
- They set up some H.L.A. (look it up) between Slut Girl and Nerd Girl...but never follow it up one bit.  Why would you set that up and do nothing?!?  Damn you, Charles Band!

All caught up now?  Good.  Scream.

Forty-five minutes into the film, the guys with above-the-title billing finally show up.  No, I don't count the fake newspaper shots of Haig and Berryman as 'them appearing.'  The guys were Casino heads who tried to kill our hero's uncle and were killed themselves.  It just so happens that our heroes showed up 24 hours before the 40th Anniversary of the deaths.  Right.

Our heroes are presented with 'games of chance' by the ghosts of those killed.  The ghosts cheat their asses off and kill most of the cast.  Real nice.

There's even a sub-plot where Rock Guy and Slut Girl get into a fight- since he has performance issues- and the ghost of a Waitress gets between them.  This leads to her showing her evil, ghost form and killing Slut Girl.  That was pretty pointless...but it did pad out the film.

After the deaths of 90% of the cast, our heroes put everything up to one last game of chance.  They win, so Haig lets them go, choosing not to cheat in this game...for once.  You want closure?  Tough shit.  The End.

Nobody wins in this Casino.  The plot of this movie is a waste of time.  I wish that I could say nicer things about it, but I can't.  They don't explain why the ghosts have powers.  Mind you, it's a step to assume that people can just come back to life as ghosts in the first place, let alone have reality-warping powers!  Most films that pull shit like this have them 'involved in voodoo' or 'brought back by Satan.'  Something- anything at all!  Aside from the fact that the plot makes no sense, it's just poorly-paced.  It takes forty-five minutes for anything of real value to happen, spending the rest of the time setting up the characters that just die off abruptly later.  All of the character sub-plots- including a romance between Nerd Girl and Joke Guy, the H.L.A. set-up & the Rock Guy, Slut Girl and Ghost Waitress- amount to nothing!  They are literally just there to pad out the film.  Speaking of padding, all of the 'ghosts challenge our heroes' scenes feel the same, making their numerous appearances feel longer than they should.  I could also point some major inconsistencies- like an F/X shot showing the first victim's head melting and his body being found with an intact head- throughout the film.  Plus, the bad guy from Blood Dolls is here playing a guy with an egg-shaped head.  Does he have head-variance written into his contracts?!?  If you like Full Moon films, you'll ignore all of this and probably like it no matter what I say though.

Do you like mummies from space?  Too bad- this film is mostly about PG-13 lesbians.  Stay tuned...

Moon Over Miami: Skull Heads

The folks over at Full Moon Entertainment refuse to give up on the idea of hitting it big with another killer doll franchise.  So the Blood Dolls thing did not pan out, but they could keep trying, right?  Today's review is actually one of the more recent films put out by the company, showing just how long this desperate game has been going on.  Seriously, guys- think of something new.  This film is a bit odd as it appears to be a mix of Castle Freak and Puppet Master, although it does not mesh as interestingly as you might think.  It involves a recluse family whose offspring yearns for the outside world.  Of course, when it finally arrives, she learns to regret her decision pretty damn fast!  Get out your marionettes for my review of...

The film begins with a young woman put on the rack by a creepy, old man that looks like Dario Argento.  By the way, that's not a compliment.  We learn that the man is actually her father!  To make matters worse, this is apparently a common occurrence.  I can't complain about my parents making me eat vegetables as a kid!  The family lives in a big castle (see Freak), shuns the outside world and hates technology (The Village).  However, the girl is rebelling against the family's ideals by *gasp* having an iPod.  You bitch!  I'm sorry- I'm half Mennonite.  Seriously though, there are some issues bubbling under the surface as the girl hates being 'locked up' and wants to be with some boy that lives in the nearby village.  Thanks for making nuanced characters, Mr. Band.  A girl wants to throw away everything that she was raised on because a boy batted his eyes at her.  The dad gets more and more upset and just generally acts like a dick.  Get used to this- it's pretty much his only character trait.

Finally, something interesting happens as a group of strangers shows up at the door.  They are turned away twice by the maid before the daughter lets them in.  They say that they are a group of filmmakers producing a movie in the nearby area and want to use their castle as a location.  Of course, the girl is obsessed with one thing: the cute guy.  The dad proves to be a buzz-kill and pushes aside any chance of them going into his house.  The woman appeals to him and offers to leave her card with him...which he promptly tears up in front of her.  So is that a 'no?'  This drives the girl upset and she petitions the mother for help.  She also talks to her unseen grandfather behind a curtain, although he is apparently part-doll.  A creature effects shot forty minutes into the film- why the rush?!?  We are also given a really odd scene in which the daughter flashes her breasts in front of a mirror to practice, um, seducing the guy, I guess.  Pointless T&A shot- more interesting than anything so far.  The dad throws a fit when the people are invited over for dinner and it's, let's just put it lightly, awkward.  They leave and reveal themselves to be...art thieves.  Dun dun...obvious.

 

The movie finally gets interesting at this point, so I hope you're still awake.  Incidentally, this film only came out last year, so feel free to skip this paragraph if you want to avoid SPOILERS.  The bad guys break in, only to find the girl placed back on the rack by her dad.  The cute guy has turned nice and sweet for her, which makes things awkward.  The parents interrupt their awkward sex scene (thank God!) and confront the two of them.  When asked about how weird they are, the man jokes and reveals that they are actually brother and sister!  This freaky reveal is broken up by both of them being shot by other robbers.  The pair of them force the goody two shoes and the girl to lock themselves up in the Dungeon.  Out in the estate, the titular dolls come out (via silhouettes) and wreak havoc.  They shoot two weird-looking, purple beams out at the corpses of the siblings, which causes them to come back as zombies.  One of them shoots a weird gas at another robber, which allows them to be killed by the zombie incestuous siblings.  The good pair escape and see the grandpa...which is not exactly a big reveal.  The man flees when he realizes that the girl won't leave and makes it out...only to be pulled back in by the girl.

I won't lie- this movie is pretty bad.  It's not the worst idea for a movie- by any means- but it is a very bad execution.  Do we need nearly half of the movie to set-up that these people are weird?  News flash: they live in a castle and have a dungeon!  The pacing is just all wrong here, but it is in a different way than with Blood Dolls.  I wish this movie had been obsessed with some quirky ideas.  Hell, I would have taken more nudity in the film, which is something that I usually don't request (out loud).  I get the idea: freaky family lives in a castle and shit goes down.  This is not a hard story to do, so why do you do it as badly as an '80s horror film?  This film was made in 2009- you have Editors!  This does not exactly raise my hopes for The Killer Eye now.

Next up, a dubiously-Full Moon film about tentacles, an invader from the 8th Dimension and lots of nudity.  Sound like Full Moon to me!  Stay tuned...