Lost in Translation: Salem's Lot (1979)

I found this one online, so thanks for whoever posted this.  I mean, it's not like I make the Originals, so someone also has to post them first.

In any event, here's how it was sold upon Theatrical Release in Spain (it was corrected for VHS)...

Well, James Mason was a tall Man, so...points, I guess.

Seriously though...what the hell?!?

As always, the Original...

Hey- you don't always have to work miracles with these.

Poor Bastards of Cinema: A Return to Salem's Lot

A Return to Salem's Lot is a sequel to Salem's Lot in that, well, Vampires are in it.  It does give us today's Poor Bastards of Cinema though...

For no good reason, a Greyhound Bus is re-routed to (Jeru)Salem's Lot by the Police.

The Mayor forces them to exit (for their 'safety') and walk out into the center of town.  They know that our hero, his son and the Nazi Hunter (see the review for any context there) are watching...

...so they decide to just straight up kill the people there.

I should note that these people have jack shit to do with the plot, but they still die to prove a point to Michael Moriarty.

To reiterate: there was no point to the death of these people.  They don't even have names.  They're just here to up the body count and, well, that's it.  Poor Bastards.

Next up, some hunters go out in the Woods.  With a horror film, you just know what's coming next!  Stay tuned...

Rare Flix: A Return to Salem's Lot

This is much less of a Return and more of a confusing, first visit.  In 1979, Salem's Lot was made for television.  In 1987, Larry Cohen decided to make his own version.  Rather than build off of the book or follow the mini-series, he went off in a weird direction.  It's hard to explain, really.  The film does take place in Salem's Lot and features a man returning to town for the first time in nearly 30 years.  That makes you think that it is a Remake, but that's not entirely true.  This film builds off of the ending of the previous film adaptation (sort of) by having the town be full of Vampires.  Of course, that is ignoring the idea that the Vampires are supposed to be hunting our heroes.  So what is this film?  I'll be damned if I know, but it is a Larry Cohen film.  That makes me interested, whether he's just a Writer (Phone Booth, Maniac Cop 1-3) or as a Director (Special Effects, It's Alive 1-3).  This film is nothing if it's not weird, so let's just dive right in...

In Central America (both films begin like this- odd), Michael Moriarty ('natch) is a Journalist covering Native rituals, which, well, involve people dying.  He covers the story, but doesn't stop the deaths.  He = heartless.

 He's called back to America to help out his son, who's not exactly fitting into society.  He takes his son to his old home- Silent Hill.

Oh sorry, it's actually Salem's Lot.  I mean, Jerusalem's Lot.  Salem's Lot?  Just pick one, movie!

In the first Vampire scene, you learn that one thing is different here- these Vampires are rubber masks.  Freaky, but definitely different than in Salem's Lot!

The Vampires take Moriarty in and give him a strange task: make their 'Bible' and tell their tale.

Speaking of their tale, they claim to have come to America on the FOURTH ship that left England in search of 'religious tolerance.'  Vampire Pilgrims- awesome, but silly as shit!

Moriarty's son is drawn into the group and begins to turn.  Was he bit?  Apparently not (given how the film ends), but that just raises more questions.

For one- how is (Jeru)Salem's Lot so close to Madison County?

You know what most Vampire Films are missing?  A Nazi Hunter!  That's right- A Return to Salem's Lot features a character who's a Nazi Hunter.  I can't stress that enough.

Our heroes work together to kill the Vampires during the day, since they only have like two guys guarding them.  You've been alive for hundreds of years, but can barely defend yourselves?  So sad.

After the big showdown, our heroes burn their coffins, putting an end to these oddly-ineffectual Vampires existence, save for one of them...

The Town's Mayor puts up a fight, but also meets his end.

The day is saved, thanks to a heartless Journalist, his Bi-Polar son and a Swiss Nazi Hunter.  Don't get to say that every day.  The End.

No matter what this is, it's weird!  What can I say about this movie?  It could be a sequel.  It could be a Remake.  Regardless, it's a bizarre film.  The Vampires are bizarre.  The story is full of odd events.  The whole thing is just kooky.  Whether it's Moriarty having sex with his old girlfriend (who's the same age as before) who's a vampire or Moriarty asking his 13 year-old son if he got lucky, this movie is odd.  I'm not sure how GOOD it is though.  The tone and pacing are strange & it never quite got going in the way that I was hoping for.  It would tease something big...and just peter out.  The finale is good, although its pacing was certainly odd.  One thing I should say is that I'm neck-deep in Vampire films, both with the Salem's Lot films and stuff for June.  It makes some of this stuff blend together, something I can guarantee won't happen to you if you watch it.  Speaking of which, why is this one also hard to find?  The first one had the stigma/legality of being a Made-for-TV movie, not to mention being an IP based on a book.  This one is just 'Based on Characters Created by Stephen King.'  That's code for 'We made some crazy shit, so here's your check, Mr. King.'  As a whole, the film is a mixed bag of crazy.  Take us away, sign that confuses things even more...

Next up, a Holiday that's all about the Military and their service.  For me- an excuse to talk about giant bugs.  Stay tuned...

Rare Flix: Salem's Lot

Vampires are alive!  How is this movie so hard to find?  Seriously, Salem's Lot is generally the highest-regarded of the Stephen King TV Mini-Series' made.  Granted, it's more well-liked than The Tommyknockers or The Langoliers, but my point remains the same!  Why did I have to find this film from a site of less-than-good repute and not on DVD (or Blu-Ray)?  All I can figure is that it's some sort of licensing rights thing, but that's not a very good excuse.  Do you know what Salem's Lot is about?  If you don't, shame on you.  It's about Vampires- and not those ones that play Baseball with Super-Speed.  This Mini-Series came out in the late '70s and features some big acting talent.  You can't go five minutes without seeing someone you recognize, even if you can't exactly place where from.  This is truly a Cult Classic, even if it is a bit bloated due to the nature of its format.  To find out what you missed or see what you already remember, read on...

There is a great mystery in the little Maine (take a shot!) town of Salem's Lot.  What is this mysterious man up to?

What is it that draws this Author (take another shot!) to the town where he grew up in?

What the hell is Fred Willard doing here?  Doesn't he normally do either good comedies or terrible ones?

People are being attacked- usually just before a cut and a musical sting- and coming back as Vampires to lure their former family/friends into the fold.

Some of them even get some super, glow-in-the-dark eyes to boot.  It could be worse- I'm just saying.

The greatest group of heroes is assembled to stop the Vampire threat.

Actually, it's just this Teacher, this Author and some Doctor.  Close enough.

This Nosferatu-ringer is The Master and he's nobody you want to mess with.  However...

...the heavy-lifting is mostly done by his 'Renfield.'  He pretty much just dies while laying in his coffin.

In the Epilogue, Two Years have gone by and our remaining heroes- the Author and a kid from earlier- are on the run from the leaderless Vampires of Salem's Lot.  Will they ever find peace?

Find out in the sequel (you won't actually find out, by the way)!  The End.

Even with all of the padding, it's still good.  At the film's heart, it's a good tale of a small town slowly being overrun with monsters.  It's unfortunate that both versions of the film have been as a Mini-Series, since I think that it could work just fine as a film- the Larry Cohen film not withstanding.  This one works because it feels genuine and offers up a real experience.  Well, as real as Vampires taking over a small town in Maine can be anyways.  If you can accept the drawn-out format of the film, you'll enjoy it.  Besides, what other film features Fred Willard being killed by a Vampire?  As a bonus, they even worked in this cameo from Klarion The Witch Boy (shout-out to all you Young Justice viewers)...

Next up, Larry Cohen's belated Sequel/Remake.  Feel free to explain this one to me with a straight face.  Stay tuned...