'70s Trash(?): Rock 'N' Roll High School

A Cult Classic finally gets its due.  This is Rock 'N' Roll High School, a 1979 Film famous for its Soundtrack and Stars.  Is it actually good though?  As noted, the hook of this Film is who's in it- The Ramones.  This, for once, was actually Corman succeeded at relating to 'the kids today' with a Film.  Aside from the famous group, it features just about ever other Corman Alumni you'd come to expect with something like this.  The Blands (Paul Bartel and Mary Woronov)?  Check.  Dick Miller?  Check.  The Announcer from Death Race 2000?  Yep, even him!  The Plot involves the titular High School struggling against a new Authority Figure who wants to maintain order.  Can she succeed?  Will The Ramones make a big difference?  To find out, read on...

A new Principal (Woronov)is brought in to Vince Lombardi High School.  She's strict!

In the B-Plot, the High School Quarterback is a dork and needs help from...Clint Howard to pick up women.  What a strange reality this is!

Would this be less weird with Eddie Deezen (who was originally-cast)?

Our Leads- Dey Young on the left, P.J. Soles on the right- are a mismatched pair who are friends.  The Quarterback wants Soles, while Young wants him.

Fun Fact: Soles was 28 when she shot this (same as Steve McQueen in The Blob) and was only 7 years younger than Woronov.

The Principal espouses the danger of Rock n Roll, showing it with a drawing of what happens to mice when they listen to it at full volume.

I mostly just used this shot to highlight how great this painting is and how much I want it!

The Ramones are coming to town, so Soles takes 3 days off from School to get Tickets.  They are only $10 each!

For her part in some rebellion, Soles (and Young by default) have their tickets taken by the Hall Monitors.

It's funny how...they get molested?  Weird gag!

They end up winning tickets, which makes the Movie stop to just show The Ramones play.  Could be worse.

Amongst the crowd is an Indian, Bartel's 'cool Teacher' and...the Mouse from the Painting, who's now human-sized!

In response to the rebellion, The Principal burns a bunch of albums on the lawn.  More rebellion now!

The students lock themselves in for a stand-off/Ramones Concert in the hallway.

They eventually make a rational decision...and blow up the School to zero consequences.  The End.

A fun and silly Movie, even if the Plot is lacking a bit.  Let's be honest- you don't watch a Film like this for the Plot, right?  You watch it for the silliness.  You watch it for certain Actors.  You watch it for The Ramones.  It's a weird piece of Film History.  It's especially weird when you think about who was almost the focus.  Before The Ramones, it was Todd Rundgren, then Cheap Trick, Van Halen and Devo!  All of them would have definitely brought a different feel for the most part.  The best and worst part of the Film is its ability to be distracted by the music.  On one hand, the Plot stops many times or just drags.  On the other hand, it does so while playing *The Ramones* at full blast, so how mad can you be?  From a technical standpoint, it is flawed.  From a viewing standpoint, it's quite fun.  I'm not going to pretend that I didn't notice the Pacing Issues- nor will I pretend that I didn't love the Soundtrack.  Rock 'n' Roll High School is a part of a Film History and deserving of its Cult Film Status- just enjoy it for what it is, as opposed to what it isn't.  To close, let's play 'Spot what doesn't belong' in the Shot.  It should be easy...

Next time, something more obscure and (most-likely) trashy.  It has to be '80s, right?  Stay tuned...

Rare Flix: KISS Meets The Phantom of the Park

At long last, I have gotten to this one!  This is one of those Films that you know exists and is available (unlike London After Midnight), but is also hard to find.  Urban Legend would tell you that KISS doesn't want you to see it, much like George Lucas and that Holiday Special.  I'm inclined to believe it, although they don't talk about it much.  There is an interesting article about this whole thing- just read it later.  KISS Meets The Phantom of the Park (retitled for Theatrical Release later) is the product of British Director Gordon Hessler and the famous animation duo Hanna Barbera.  No, really.  This thing is crazy and fun, even if it comes off as goofier than you ever thought possible.  The Plot involves a Theme Park, an evil Inventor, Magic Talismans and, well, KISS doing Karate.  You have to be curious, right?  Is this better than KISS Saves Santa?  To find out, read on...

 *

I'm going to rush through the Plot set-up here, since I want to get to the good stuff.  So KISS is going to play this Theme Park...for a Week.

They got half a million for one show on WCW Nitro, so how much did this cost?!?

One Scientist in the Park makes life-like Robots to work and perform there.  Yes, this was after Westworld.

The Owner decides to fire the Scientist...in the middle of the day...and not make him leave the Park.  He goes back to his lab and now the craziness really starts.

Okay, now on to the crazy shit.

First off, KISS has super powers!  One can breath fire, one can super-jump, one can read your thoughts and one can teleport.

Why, you ask?  Well, they have magical talismans, of course!

The evil Scientist sends his Robots against the band when they stand up to him.  He sends...Yeti Bots...I guess?

Gene Simmons is fighting monster-shaped robots in a fake Crypt.  A Mummy has him in a headlock!

KISS fights Robots dressed like Samurais!  What's not to love?

They eventually get put in a laser cage, while the Scientist's fake KISS almost starts a riot.  They save the day and play 'Detroit Rock City.'  Hurray!  The End.

This is utterly ridiculous!  KISS battle Robots!  KISS has magic powers!  A Theme Park has fully-functional Robots!  You get silly Action (such as Ace Frehley missing a spin kick by 3 feet), silly effects (the Starchild powers) and terrible Acting.  Sorry, KISS.  What makes it work in all of the right ways is that Hessler does his best to make this feel like a serious Film.  Yes, a serious Film about KISS fighting Robots with their magic powers.  This is treated seriously, which makes it all the more funny!  It is so goofy.  It is so silly.  It is...awesome!  You get random moments like Robots dressed like Beefeaters (look it up), KISS performing 'Beth' and that's just the tip of the iceberg.  I love ridiculous stuff like this and you should too.  If you can find it, I recommend you see it.  According to their own reports, the band got wasted between takes, so feel free to partake as well.  This is so ridiculous that I can't stick with just one Stinger.  Here is KISS' casual pool attire and here is...well, this face...

*** 

Next up, I have a few, random things lined up.  Which one I do next is anyone's guess.  Stay tuned...

Infamous Week: Sgt. Pepper's Lonely Hearts Club Band

What in the hell is this?!?  Here's a quick history lesson for all of you who are younger than me and don't know about nearly-everything that happened 80 years before their birth.  The Beatles were a band.  They broke up in 1970.  In 1974, an off-Broadway Musical was made based on their last album.  In 1978, it was made into a movie...without The Beatles.  Their Manager was involved, but that's it.  In their place is just about every other musical group in the 1970s, with the exception of KISS.  They had their own crappy movies to do, people!  Can you make a Musical without real dialogue and only one person actually talking?  Apparently, yes.  To see how this film got its bizarre reputation, read on...

The film begins in WWI and explains that Sgt. Pepper led a band through all of the major wars and periods of history.  All of this, mind you, is just to set up the new band, which consists of The Bee-Gees and Peter Frampton.  Okay then.

The group lives in a ridiculously-idyllic town.  It's essentially how the '70s looked at the '50s and thought it was like.  George Burns approves!

The boys hit it big and fly to Hollywood...in a blimp.  There they meet a Record Producer who will take them right to the top.  He's...Dr. Loomis?

There's barely any plot from hereon out.  If you really care, look it up!  Instead, I'll highlight the random guest stars of the film.  First up, Steve Martin...for some reason.

Next up, Alice Cooper appears as the face of the evil company behind the plot.  Nice mustache, dude.

Earth, Wind and Fire show up as...themselves.  No characters for them, huh?  Their contribution: distracting our heroes while Strawberry Fields is kidnapped and their money is stolen.  Nice.

Aerosmith- in mid-heroin abuse, I'm sure- play a villainous band who play a song while holding Strawberry hostage.  If you ever wanted to see Steven Tyler and Peter Frampton fight, you finally get your wish!

Our heroes rush into action!  No caption will make this seem anything other than silly.

In the ultimate case of a lazy, Deus Ex Machina ending, Billy Martin appears as the animated form of the Sgt. Pepper weather vane & undoes all of the bad events with his magic powers.  No, really.

 Random celebrity overload in a sad attempt to copy the album cover.  Thanks- that was necessary.  The End.

Stop singing, please!  There is practically no plot here, but I guess that I can discuss it.  How does this bizarre town exist in a time capsule?  How have they lasted like this when they are so unprepared for any bad thing?  Seriously, the bad guy- Mean Mr. Mustard- goes in with one henchman and takes their most prized possessions!  What exactly is the importance of these instruments?  Furthermore, are we supposed to assume that this band literally played the same instruments for over 40 years?  Nothing ever happened to them?  They didn't have spares?  I should be nicer, you say, this is a Musical after all.  I don't really think that it should qualify as an excuse.  Imagine if Music Man had aliens show up.  Imagine if The King & I was about China fighting the Romans.  Imagine if Annie was about her teaming up with Batman!  Actually, I'd watch that last one.  This 'story' is just so ridiculous and would fall apart if George Burns wasn't narrating.  The film is a mess.  That said, if you like the Beatles songs, they make up 90% of the movie.  Of course, none of them are sung by The Beatles, so that kind of ruins that.  Take us away, random racist robots...

Up next, one of the most famous career transitions of all-time: Cindy Crawford, Actress.  Can this film live up to its Golden Raspberry nominations?  Stay tuned...

Holiday Death: The Flaming Lips- Christmas on Mars

Change of plans- this one comes first.  Why give away the Main Event before the Lead-In, after all?

*****

Rock bands go together with science-fiction films as well as giant apes do with New York City.  I suppose someone had to do it though.  Given the history of The Flaming Lips and their music, I guess they were a given.  How can you make a song like Yoshimi Battles the Pink Robots, Part 1 and not make a sci-fi movie?  Unfortunately, they did just that.  The result: a bad, low-budget version of 2001: A Space Odyssey.  Yeah, I said it!  They took the drama out of a drama & awkwardly shoe-horned in a Christmas theme.  Close your eyes and cover your ears, indy music fans- this one is going to hurt!  Get out your belly tube for my review of...

The film begins with...um, space.  That's pretty much it for nearly ten minutes.  Congratulations, The Nude Vampire- this movie also takes 7 minutes before we get any dialog.  Narration?  Nope.  Eventually, we get...a guy wandering around a dimly-shit ship.  By the way, the movie is also in black-and-white.  That is, of course, unless it feels like it shouldn't be for random moments.  Logic- screw that!

 More walking around and banal dialog.  Yep.  People with teeth that shouldn't be in close-ups.  Yep.  Astronauts wander around for a bit too, while one guy who's supposed to be the Santa for the party goes crazy.  Why?  Just because, I guess.

 Is there an actual plot yet?  Nope.  I guess constantly introducing pairs of random characters counts as a plot.  Right?  Nope.  Hey look- color.  Oh wait- it's gone.  Apparently something breaks on the ship and that's bad.

Finally, a plot arrives in the form of an alien showing up.  He walks up to the ship just as the crazy guy in the Santa suit runs out of the airlock to his death.  The crew's reaction: just kind of staring at him for a bit and moving on.

The alien proves to be pivotal.  Nope.  Scratch that.  He just takes the place of the old Santa guy.  This is important because...some reason.  Random color shot of the singer/alien.  Thanks.  That accomplished nothing, but thanks.

After some freaky imagery (including a dream where people have a vagina for a head), the Christmas celebration consisting of our hero, the alien and Fred Armisen (the SNL guy) goes off without a hitch.  Oh yeah, the random piece of equipment is fixed, so Christmas is a happy time.  The alien kind of just leaves.  The End.

This movie sucks!  The plot is...barely there.  The stupid movie barely has any actual plot to it.  Some thing breaks, the party happens and the alien leaves.  I hope that can sustain you for 90 minutes.  The movie is just too pretentious for it's own good.  Case in point: the lead singer plays the alien and never talks.  Ha ha- it's funny because you normally do the vocals!  The acting is...well, the cast is mostly made up of the band.  You get Fred Armisen and Adam Goldberg in it for a bit, but that's about it.  The movie is entirely black-and-white, which I could deal with if it was done for the right reason.  Why was it done?  To hide the film's minuscule budget!  Check out the parts where the alien shows up in color if you don't believe me.  The worst part of the whole thing: it took 7 years to put together.  Yes, this is because of them touring and recording- I know.  Even so, all the time spent over that 7 year period could have been better spent.  For example, you could have not wasted my time!

Next up, the update I promised yesterday.  It's totally happening this time.  Stay tuned...

Blockbuster Trash: Catacombs

With so many shitty, Direct-to-DVD horror films out there, it's hard to pick on just one.  Of course, anyone who follows this site knows that I haven't!  Even so, this is another.  The film stars rock star Pink and genre actress Shannyn Sossamon.  Wow, I'm so excited now.  Seriously, it's impossible to restrain my total apathy. On the plus side, the movie is set and- at least, in part- filmed there.  Mind you, we spend most of the film in a dark sewer- duh- so it's kind of a moot point.  Just imagine if someone made a horror film that took place during Carnivale, only to set 90% of the movie in a janitor's closet!  What's the plot?  A mutated killer in the sewers who comes from a family of inbred freaks.  Yeah, it's Texas Chainsaw Massacre...In Paris.  That would make a far better title, by the way.  Don't worry, there is more to say about this film than just that.  Get out your convenient map for my review of...

The film begins at a rave.  Great- I'm watching XXX again.  Actually, this rave footage is juxtaposed with shots of a woman running from a barely-visible killer.  She screams and yells in French.  By the way, this is one of the few instances in the film in which someone actually speaks French.  No, really.  After a bit of running, the movie jumps right into the opening credits.  There is actually a reason for this awkward cutting, but you'll find out later.  We jump to a woman (Sossamon) arriving in Paris via plane.  She reads a letter from her sister out loud via voice-over.  Oh yeah, they also steal the whole Sunset Boulevard hook by telling you that everyone she would meet in Paris would be dead.  In terms of the film's quality, I suppose I should say that this is ripping off House of the Dead actually.  Our heroine is a bit edgy and gets spooked by a police dog in the airport suddenly jumping and barking at her.  Naturally, this leads to her being pulled aside for additional screening...after the plane has landed and she's in the Terminal.  The point of this random scene: to have the character do a shit ton of exposition.  A lot of it is pointless, however, since we got most of it from the letter and her previous narration.  Well, as long as you're wasting my time for a good reason.  She meets up with her sister and continues to act antsy.  No time for that- you have to get new clothes for your rave.  Cue the montage...

The rave is alright, provided that you wish to be drunk on the set of The Matrix Reloaded.  In a break from the partying, the leader of the group tells them the tale of a crazy, inbred family that has lived in the Catacombs.  They raised their son to be a killer, only for him to kill them and run free.  Back at the rave, Sossamon runs off after the group decides to go skinny-dipping.  Thanks to selective Editing, Pink appears to be standing still and suddenly is in the pool.  Sorry for all 10 of you who wanted to see her topless, but you won't get it here!  She goes to talk to her sister- also Edited around her nudity- and they get attacked by the monster.  Right at the thirty minute mark (on the freaking dot!), Pink is dead.  On top of that, the Police arrive to break up the Rave.  The problem: they don't break in when a giant line of people is entering from the street.  No, they bust in when everyone is down in the Catacombs, creating lots of chaos.  Our heroine gets separated and wanders around.  Get used to that....

Yeah, she just wanders around for a long-ass time.  The killer chases her for a bit and then vanishes.  Seriously, he's just gone from the forty-five minute mark to about an hour and fifteen minutes in.  The rest of that time is obviously important as it leads to- you guessed it- more wandering around.  She eventually stumbles across another person, who turns out to be a French asshole.  His role here is to be the sixth real actor in the film and subsequently get hurt.  Our heroine actually leaves him to die when he breaks his leg, but vows to return.  Yeah, she doesn't.  Finally, another killer chase ensues leading to...our heroine being knocked out and...running into her sister.  Okay, are you ready for the mother of all stupid plot twists?  You sure?  Alright.  The story about the killer- fake.  Our heroine was the subject of a prank by her sister and her friends.  The whole point of this?  To scare her and make her change her skittish ways.  No, really.  The sister freaks out at Sossamon, however, when she learns that one of the guys was killed during the chase.  Our heroine instantly turns crazy and kills them, walking calmly out of the Metro covered in blood.  The End.

This movie sucks!  The plot is ridiculous, filling in a bad idea with worse ones.  The cliched killer in the sewers/forest/ship plot is so overdone that anyone would send it back at a restaurant.  Oh wait- it's supposed to be stupid, because it's a story.  Oh wait- no, it's not.  That's actually a stupid idea.  You can't throw in a plot like that as part of your 'super clever fake-out' plot.  By the way, April Fools Day called and said that 'you're a bunch of hacks!'  I'm referring to the original that pissed people off in the '80s, by the way, as opposed to the recent film of the same name.  The acting is...well, it stars Pink and Shannyn Sossamon.  Do I even need to elaborate?  I should also mention that the movie doesn't even exploit the idea of allowing us to see a famous non-actor die in the film.  You should have learned your lesson from House of Wax!  The movie is a big, giant tease for a good movie.  Unless you're into that, don't bother.  From Paris with Disdain, people!

Up next, a week of Instant Viewing fun because with some '80s shit.  It features robot cyborgs that are mutants....yeah.  Stay tuned...

International '80s Trash: Monster Dog

Alice Cooper was practically a horror actor in his own right. During the 70s and early 80s, his stage shows were the stuff of legend. Murder- check. Decapitations- check. Giant snakes for no good reason- big check. So what happened when someone actually made a horror film starring him? Was it Tommy or was it Kiss Meets The Phantom of the Park? Find out in my review of...

Monster Dog

The film begins with a long music video of Alice Cooper. This is actually one of two songs that does not appear on any of his major albums, but does in this movie. Historical significance is on the side of this movie so far, even if the first song is odd. Basically, he is talking about his different moods and naming them after famous characters. This leads to Cooper dressing up in silly outfits to be 'James Bond,' 'Sherlock Holmes' and 'Jack the Ripper.' Oddly, the latter two have a rich history...but that is for another day. This video, which of course takes several set changes and costume flips, is done in one take as the movie would have us believe. Um...how about some plot, movie?

*

We finally get some as Alice and company head to the main character's old hometown to shoot a music video. Evidently, his old, dusty mansion is better than a sound stage. They are stopped by fog and a pesky law enforcement agent. The movie first hints at some strange background related to Alice's family and the town. After the Scooby gang leaves, the two cops are killed by an unseen werewolf and some rottweilers. Monster- check. Monster on screen- eh, not so much. He arrives home to find a big banner, but only one resident: the old butler. He is in no way the butler from Kid Notorious, but he does look similar. The house is worn-in, decrepid and dusty- let's party!

*

They start filming another video- which appears to be right out of a Dario Argento day-dream- before shit goes down. One of the ladies finds the bloody body of the butler (thanks for coming) and shooting, naturally, stops. To make matters worse, Alice is haunted by dreams about his family's past and a really silly-looking painting of his 'ancestor.' The film basically pads itself out a bit with this 'waking dream' thing for a while before the big finish.

*

It is usually nice to have visitors, but not when they are gun-wielding hunters who want you dead. A group of locals lock down the house and decide to kill everyone inside. Why? Because they think that Alice is a werewolf (the family curse). Why everyone else? Just because. Of course, one of the women ran off earlier and Alice followed before all of this happened. All of this leads up to the mother of all gun battles: Alice Cooper vs. Drunken Hicks. The skinny singer who has shown little aptitude for firearms does surprisingly well. Oh yeah, the werewolf shows its ugly head again before the end as well. Will our heroes survive? Will Alice escape the family curse? Will this movie get any more interesting? No, no and a big NO. The End.

*

This movie is really not that good and I can tell you why: Claudio Fragrasso. The man has never made all that good of a film before, as evidenced by Zombie 4 and Hell of the Living Dead (how have I missed this movie?!?). Casting Alice Cooper is a good idea, but they do one very bad one to counteract it: dubbing. You never hear Alice's voice in the film, save for the two songs. It is as jarring as hearing the real lady in Walk The Line after listening to Reese Witherspoon. This is also on par with Hercules in the Haunted World not getting Christopher Lee to do his English dubbing for the U.S. release. The DVD also has a very bad VHS transfer to boot, taking any polish off of the sub par effects. Aside from the novelty of seeing Alice Cooper in a horror film (he did a couple more BTW), this film is just not worth it. I'd rather just listen to School's Out for 90 minutes.

*

Horror films with pun titles are almost never good. This will be no exception. Stay tuned...