Tubi Thursday: Crackerjack 3 (2000)

 Well, 3 years went by and they made another Crackerjack.  I suppose that's how long those snacks last, huh?

However, there's a catch here...

In this Film, we deal with...retiring CIA Agent Jack Thorn (Bo Svenson).

Yep, we've recast again AND changed who the Character is.  Is this Film a lie?
Yes.

The day before he's leaving, a Neutron Bomb is stolen.

His Assistant- very brief WWE Star Amy Weber- stands up for him to the new Boss.

His savage replacement is, well, the guy from Savage.  They say that Gruner's Character is Canadian...which just raises many questions about how he could be running a branch of the CIA.

He's also obviously the bad guy, so I just used a shot from the end when they revealed it.

Him and some older Spies (this came out before RED was a Comic Book or Film FYI) are being framed for the job, so they go to Germany...via the most fake CGI Ocean I've ever seen.

Just because you can use CGI...

Skipping over a bit of Plot (there's not much), it all ends in the Basement below a Building hosting a G7 Gathering which Gruner planned to blow up.

While his friends and Weber deal with the bomb, Bo('s Stunt Double) beats up Gruner.

Thanks to some advice from a kid (no, really) they blow up the outer part of the bomb, which makes the neutron part not go off.

Apparently this was a 'safe' explosion.

During the wrap-up, we get some Tell, Don't Show.  Gruner was tried, wasn't convicted and escaped...only to be caught off-screen by our Heroes.

The Film ends with him about to be tortured.  Comedy!  The End.

This one is...very, very odd.  This is not a Sequel to Crackerjack 1 or 2.  It's not a side Film about one of his buddies or something.  It's just an in-name-only Sequel.

Why would you do that with these Films?  Speed- sure.  Twister- sure.  Freaking Crackerjack- huh?!?

This one has a few good points, but also alot of bad points.  It looks and feels really cheap.  They re-use the truck and location for both attacks.  They hang around this one Cabin interior for a LONG time.  The same goes for a Factory and the Tunnel from the finale.  They clearly spend some money (see the CGI-filled explosion above), but didn't divvy it up evenly.

The Film also tries to be weird and quirky like 80% of the time.  It works for the old Spies doing their banter.  The same Spies torturing a guy for info- not so much.  It also has a 'wacky' theme going through most Scenes that can get a bit grating.  They only have like 3 of them for a 90 minute Film, so do the math.

Crackerjack 3 is a Film/possible failed Pilot that tries to be like 6 things, but mostly fails or confuses.

If you can make sense of what this one wants to be, you might enjoy it.  As for me, I was just too jarred by the constant tonal changes.

80s Trash: Curse II- The Bite

It's a maudlin day to have a Curse.  Today's film is Curse II: The Bite.  First, let's address the obvious- this is no Sequel.  Its only real connection is Ovidio G. Assonitis, the Producer of both films.  Speaking of him, he has his Egyptian hands all over a bunch of Horror Films and other Sequels.  His IMDB Profile includes such 'gems' as Beyond the Door III, Piranha II: the Spawning and both American Ninja 4/5.  What a Producer!  So what is this film about?  It's about a radioactive snake that bites a guy, turning him into Snake Man.  Well, some of that is true.  Unfortunately, the funny pay-off is the part that isn't true.  This is really a film about a guy who gets bitten on the hand by a snake and it mutates.  It takes nearly an hour of screen time to actually do this, so enjoy the slow, bloated middle of the movie.  Enjoy this movie's 'insert fat guy joke here.'  To find out if the rest of the film is worth your while, read on...

The film begins with a P.O.V. Snake out in the Desert.  I guess it's mutated due to radioactive exposure or something.  Do you really care?

This guy- with the super-punch-worthy face- is our lead, a man on a cross-country trip with his girlfriend.  I...didn't care much about him in any way.  That's not a strength of this film, especially since he's the lead.

The couple take a short-cut and run across some snakes.  Alot of snakes!

I have a couple of shots of this scene, but was a bit picky.  You see, I found no 'No Animals Were Harmed in the Making of this Film' Message in the Credits, so some of this may be involving real, live snakes.

The mutant snake from earlier bites our hero, but they're sort of in luck.  A Traveling Salesman- Jamie Farr!- gives him a generic anti-venom.

This is a plot point to, since Farr spends the latter 2/3 of the film trying to catch up to them, since he'd apparently be liable if he died from the bite (since he didn't give him the exact right anti-venom).  Insert Tort Reform joke here, Conservatives.

The film's lead slowly begins to change due to the bite.  He starts out weak and moody, but eventually gets violent.  They *refuse* to show you the transformed hand at all though.  Enjoy slogging through this part of the film to get to the 'Oh shit- here's the Budget' Finale.

In fact, he actually chops off his mutating (or so we're told) hand in a bathroom and they show NOTHING.  You couldn't throw us a gross-out bone?

This is a snake hand.  Do I need to say any more than that?

FINALLY, the movie delivers on the pay-off as our hero attacks the possibly-German family that was hiding him and indulges in some gross-out effects.  He wasn't a fan of the milk, apparently.

Seriously, this shit just gets crazy in the last ten minutes!  Where was any of this for the last forty-five minutes?!?  I had to sit through off-screen violence and implied death just so you could make this seem better?  Ugh.

Who's the hero that takes out the creature?  Is it Sheriff Bo Svenson (yeah, he's here...and in Beyond the Door III)?  Is it our lead heroine?

No, it's a Shotgun-wielding Jamie Farr.  Yeah, even he seems surprised by this.  The End.

This could have been so much more.  There is a certainly a case for having a slow build in a film.  Don't get me wrong- I don't think that you have to get immediate pay-off for films like this.  I don't mind a slow build if it really feels like a build.  It also helps if the story is interesting and if there are good characters.  Sadly, none of that is in Curse II: The Bite.  Incidentally, the film *works* as a Sequel if you try to pretend that Wil Wheaton's teen grows up (a bit) to be the guy in this film.  I'm very sure that's not true, but let's pretend!  The film's strong points are its ridiculous gore effects.  You get a brief bit of a creature early on (see below), but otherwise must wait for the climax for much of anything else.  If you can muster through the rest, it's a crazy finale.  It's somewhat illogical how the whole thing escalates so dramatically just because the film has a set run-time, but I digress.  How does the bite make your whole body turn into a snake and cause you to spit out snakes again?  Regardless, the Ending makes up for alot here, so it has that going for it.  Besides, it is the only film I've seen (so far) with a mutant snake dog in a garage...

Next up, a film I've had to wait 7 years to see due to some rights issues.  Will all of the Boys Love this long-litigated film?  Stay tuned...

Lock Me Up!: The 7 Adventures of Sinbad

A whole week of Asylum films.  Seven days.  Seven films.  Seven different ways to drive myself to drink heavily.  Why do I do these things to myself?  No, seriously- I'm asking you!  The first one to come is one of the few that I managed to trick my friends (and fellow members) into watching with you.  Ha- the joke is on you!  This movie alleges to be a 'modern day update' on the classic Sinbad tale.  What is it really?  A bad, sci-fi film that makes The Golden Voyage of Sinbad (aka the one with the monkey) look like The Lord of the Rings (not animated).  Unfortunately, that leaves this film looking like, well, The Lord of the Rings (animated).  I hope you like terrible acting, terrible special effects and the sad state of Bo Svenson's career.  Seriously, he still acts...as much as he ever did.  Expectations low enough yet?  Get out your conservationist squid for my review of...

The film begins with a group of people on a ship being taken over by pirates.  Bear in mind that the ship is a giant tanker and the pirates approach on a single boat, but, whatever.  The takeover gets the attention of the company that owns the ship, a group owned by Adrian Sinbad.  Yes, they go with that name.  His co-owner is a Dick Cheney figure played by Bo, who doesn't do much.  Sinbad goes to pay off the terrorists, but has a back-up plan: a single pistol in his case.  That would be great...if there wasn't about a dozen armed people to face off with.  He flies over in a helicopter, accompanied by some men and his executive secretary of sorts.  Oh yeah, he's going in person too- dumb-ass.  The trip is interrupted by the sudden arrival of a giant squid that attacks the tanker, pulling it down to the bottom of the ocean.  Yes, screw physics of mass and weight!  A massive storm also comes up, causing the helicopter to crash.  Our hero wakes up on the beach and is attacked by...a CG crab with no eyes.  Seriously, how did you guys not give the thing eyes?  This leads to some of the silliest lines ever uttered in cinematic history: "Crab!  Big crab!"

Just think about that for a minute before we move on...

The whole crab scene has no bearing on the plot and is never mentioned again, making it, you guessed it, A Big-Lipped Alligator Moment.  He joins up with his former allies and...survivors of the ship that was pulled down to the sea.  How did you escape again?  They run into a jungle woman...who is very white.  You're not even trying are you, movie?  The group gets attacked by flying dinosaurs (get used to that this week) causing them to flee into a cave.  In it, they run into a poorly-rendered Cyclops.  Yeah, it just happens to live there.  Sinbad blinds it with a stick and, get this, waves at it to get its attention.  Ugh.  They kill it with a conveniently-placed stalagmite.  Apparently forgetting about the aerial threat, they go back outside (despite the earlier cave-in), leading to a silly reveal: the island is alive!  It swims away, leading to shots of the people falling just off-camera into water (get used to that too).  They manage to make it to another island, where they run afoul of tribal woman of the ethnic variety.  Proving that this film hates me, my joking suggestion that these were snake women is actually true.  This leads to the executive secretary lady dying in a stupid way...off-camera.  You must have pissed off the director, honey!  The group is saved by the warrior woman killing the evil snake women, but things aren't over yet.

Basically, we pissed off Mother Nature.  How?  Well, that tanker is on the bottom of the ocean and leaking oil, driving the Earth to lash out.  Just to note: the squid brought it down, not man!  A series of storms and earthquakes strike the mainland, allowing The Asylum to re-use some footage of the damaged buildings from Monster.  Stop reminding me of that stupid, piece of shit movie!  During Sinbad's time away, Bo took over the company.  This goes nowhere, since the guy sort of renegs on his control before meeting his fate.  Okay, here's the short wrap-up.  The group runs afoul of a cult, a shoot-out occurs and they end up going into a volcano.  Basically, they need these magic crystals will allow them to escape and save the day.  Sinbad is lowered down by the girl and pulls the gems from the wall, but is interrupted by...THE DEVIL!  Seriously, they just kind of stole the Devil model from Doctor Who and stuck it in here.  This thing does nothing and is seemingly-killed alongside Sinbad when the girl detonates the roof.  Of course, Sinbad survives by...um, being the hero.  They use the orbs to power a hot air balloon (great magic) and take a ship back to the mainland.  Bo decides to leave the safety of a building and gets killed by a typhoon while Sinbad and the girl go down to recover the tanker.  Can either of them really operate this machine?  No.  They try to recover the ship, but get stopped by the squid.  When it sees them suck up some oil, however, it leaves and they save the day.  The End.

This movie sucks...but I can't help but laugh.  The plot is stupid as hell, since it's an Asylum film.  The whole idea of putting Sinbad in a modern setting could work...if it's not an Asylum film.  Since the film can't overcome that glaring handicap, it's pretty much doomed.  The budget is super-small, the CG model work is bad and they can't hire good actors.  The lead is very forgettable and seems like the guy you hire when you can't get Lorenzo Llamas.  Mind you, that guy's probably not here since he was off filming some movie about a NAVY Seal who must battle giant cuttlefish or something.  The only amusing actor is the black Pirate Leader, since, as one of the other viewers noted, his acting consists of making angry faces at the camera.  It's The Rock School of Acting at its finest!  This movie is terrible, but it is hilarious to watch.  Aside from the crab scene, you have Sinbad waving at the blind Cyclops, the random dinosaurs and the whole thing with the magic gems.  There's also the random stuff like the guy who picks up Sinbad locking him in the cargo hold and ignoring his cries to look for the girl.  Literally a minute later (in screen time), he pops back in and says something along the lines of 'Come on out- we found the woman.'  It's truly a face-palm moment.  If you want to laugh at utter shit (hello, my core audience), you'll like this.  It's not good, but that's what makes it fun to laugh at.

Up next, Part 1 of a 2 Part look at the only real series of note put out by The Asylum.  If an alien shows up when nobody is watching, does it still make you turn into a pile of bones?  Stay tuned...

International 80's Trash: Beyond the Door III

The place- Bulgaria.  The time- 1989.  The scenario- make a movie about kids trapped on a runaway train by Satanists (don't ask).  The goal- somehow pretend that this is related to a movie about a possessed woman and a crazy one haunted by her dead husband.  Unlike the last film, little effort has been done to recover the film from the spectre of being a fake sequel to a film that wasn't all that good to begin with.  The official DVD does not have the original title- Amok Train- although the sleeve and all promotional work do.  Although, to be fair, the original Beyond the Door actually begins with an alternate title- The Devil Within Her- and only displays its real title at the end.  It's sort of like that new trend in comic book writing of putting the story's title on the very last page...only dumb and confusing.  It's not like this title saves the surprise, since it says more about the plot than the real title.  Back to this bad movie though- it stars Bo Svenson...not that you can tell due to his silly goatee and odd performance.  This is really bad, so why delay it any further?  This is...

The film begins with a group of students being taken on a trip by their teacher (Svenson).  Oh and they also credit a woman as 'The Gipsy,' which is sad.  I've lost all hope for a good movie before the movie really began!  Right away, logic is gone too as Bo appears to be a community college professor who is taking his class on a trip to a village in the middle of Bulgaria.  What kind of group signs on for this?  What kind of students would take the trip?  Every one of these students is American-looking, so it's not a Bulgarian class going out to the woods.  Just pretend that part makes sense and move on.  They go to a village via train ride and discuss the Passion Play- light conversation.  Bo explains that the Passion Play predates Christianity or some bullshit.  The group makes fun of one girl for being a virgin, causing Bo to scold them.  He gives her a little speech about virgins are honored by certain societies, which is neither creepy or foreshadowing.  They arrive in a village full of creepy men and ugly women and are told to go to bed, despite it looking like mid-afternoon at best.  While they sleep, the villagers light their huts on fire and lock the doors.  All of our heroes flee, save for one who is possessed/hypnotized and just stays there.  Um, okay.

All of our heroes flee from the village and jump onto a passing train, all but our heroine.  The lead guy jumps off to keep her company...or something and injures his ankle in the process.  Boy, was that dumb!  The group tries to get some help, but the train won't stop until a few days from now.  While they are waiting, a mysterious person wanders around in a sub-plot with little pay-off.  Out on the woods, our hero is being dragged along by the girl- role reversal, I guess- as weird people follow them for no clear reason.  Meanwhile, the group is stuck on the train because...um, why are they stuck again?  As the original title would imply, the train is 'amok' and is apparently being controlled by some evil force.  Could it be- oh, I don't know- SATAN!  For whatever reason, the thing will not stop and is not being run by anyone, as evil magic on the train killed the conductor and engineer on the earlier night.  Our heroes are apparently too scared to get off of the train at the speed it's going, so their solution is to not try and do anything.  We get some scenes of the train crashing through the woods, which make the miniature shots from Inglorious Bastards look like Star Wars by comparison.  Give me some pay-off, movie!

Eventually, our two heroes manage to get on the train, but that's because the force wants them to.  You see, they want our heroine for an evil sacrifice to Satan...not that you did not already guess that.  As the ride continues, our heroes get picked off by the evil force.  One of them is possessed to freeze while hanging on the outside of the train and gets impaled by the railway marker when they pass it.  Another one gets mauled by the tracks itself while trying to save the girl from falling.  You don't need the lower half of your body, do you?  Eventually, the bad guys stop the train and take our heroine for the sacrifice.  However, they failed to realize that the spirit of a Christian Saint appeared before the young woman and had sex with her.  No, I'm not making that up.  This causes the weird creature- looking like a small version of the demon from Conan the Destroyer- to explode & the cultists to flee.  Our heroine calmly leaves and goes to the airport.  We see this via a tracking shot through a crowd of people who all stop to stare at the camera.  Seriously, guys?!?  The ghost of the Saint appears to our heroine and then she gets on the plane.  During the night, the monster appears again and attacks our heroine through the window...only to be a dream.  You've going to end on a Big-Lipped Alligator Moment, guys?

This movie is not good for a lot of reasons.  The whole premise is just odd and makes very little sense.  The bad guys bring a group of people out to the woods when they only need one?  When the target escapes, they take control of a train...that she's not on.  Even if she was, what was the point of trying to make it crash through everything?  The acting and writing are not good here & neither are the production values for that matter.  Why cast Bo Svenson in such a role?  He's not low-key enough to be sinister or melodramatic enough to be crazy.  Bo has all the range of a piece of string, guys!  You can do much better for your choice of movies and your time.  Let's move on.

Up next, Rare Flix returns with a made-for-cable remake of Roger Corman's dark comedy classic.  Is it good?  Does it have a multitude of comedians in early, cameo roles?  Stay tuned...