Rare Flix: Watchers (1986)

At long last, it's here!  For whatever reason, MGM decided to not make any more of the Midnite Movie DVD sets.  As a result, the Watchers/Watchers II DVD became quite a bit overpriced.  To make matters worse (for many reasons), the lead actor in the film (Corey Haim) died, which I'm sure didn't help the price of the DVD get any lower.  To compensate, I spent about $4 to get Watchers II on VHS, but couldn't find a price on this film.  Lo and behold, it ended up on Netflix's Streaming Service, allowing me to finally see it.  Was it worth the wait?  Well, the movie is good, but it has some structural issues that I will address a bit later on.  All you need to know are these four words: Corey Haim, dog and monster.  Together, let's find out who watches the...

A factory explodes, seemingly killing all that is inside.  A man (Michael Ironside) is hired to track down two test subjects that escaped- a dog and a monster.  For no clear reason, the monster hates the dog.  Yeah, this film never actually explains this.  Does the book explain this maybe?  We meet our hero (Haim), who tries to get to second base with his girlfriend before dad shows up.  Damn you, family!  Things get worse as the monster shows up and kills the dad, wounding the daughter in the process.  The dog ends up in Haim's truck as he leaves and he ends up with it.  He finds out that the dog is smarter than most people in Texas, so the mom agrees to let him stay.  Watch for Jason Priestly as one of three 'Boys on Bikes' around this point too.  Meanwhile, Ironside continues his search for the dog, enlisting the local law enforcement to help him out.  This plot thread has a point for a bit, but just ends abruptly.

The middle portion of the film breaks down into a few key things...
* The monster shows up and kills people without actually revealing itself for more than a nanosecond.  This includes Priestly.
* The police (with Ironside) show up and talk about what happened.
* The dog proves that he's smart.
* Haim is concerned about his girlfriend and looks for her.  He does find time for this however...

Everything comes to a head in the Third Act...as it should.  Finally pressed for answers over what has happened, Ironside tells the whole story to the Sheriff...and then kills him.  Couldn't you have just killed him?  Ironside captures Haim's mother, who finds out that the girlfriend is alive and well.  Haim ends up at a cabin and buys a bunch of guns to take out the monster.  At some point, Don S. Davis shows up as a Veterinarian- just like that!  All of the characters show up in the same location and the deaths start piling up.  Ironside and his partner die a bloody death just before the monster shows up.  It knocks the dog around, so Haim takes the fight out into the Woods.  He seemingly-kills the creature, but, as a slasher villain, it has one last hurrah.  It dies the second time.  The End.

That's one silly monster!  The plot of this movie is simple, yet fairly-effective.  It has all of the basic elements that a movie needs (monster, love plot, family) and pretty much just covers its bases.  Beyond that, it doesn't do a whole lot.  The characters are basic, the scenarios are basic and the violence is pretty basic as well.  There are a lot of characters that exist just to die, which means that they are pretty one-dimensional.  I would love to tell you that characters like 'The Boyfriend with an Australian Accent' were important, but I'd be lying. That said, people like Ironside and Haim make the film pretty enjoyable, even if it is pretty simple.  I'd recommend this one over the first sequel quite easily.  As for Watchers III and Watchers Reborn, Netflix will need to start carrying them before I can tell you what I think.  Want to get on that at some point, guys?  I leave you with this interesting name in the Stunt Department...

Up next, the other sequel to Psycho.  Anthony Perkins is on board to Direct here, so he gets pretty much all of the blame.  Stay tuned...
   

Captain's Log: Visiting Hours

Star Trek was a good show, although it had its sketchy moments. T.J. Hooker was not. Boston Legal was a really good show, albeit silly and erratic in tone. I give you all of this information to give you a good idea about the star of all of these: William Shatner. His films have had the range of good (Kingdom of the Spiders), quirky (Incubus) and bad (The Devil's Rain). Today's film is none of those though. It is...

Visiting Hours

The film begins with a woman giving a stirring speech on a network news show. When a film immediately reminds me of The Howling II: Your Sister is a Werewolf, it is not good. Our lady does not turn into a white wolf, but, instead is rebuked by her boss (Shatner). He tells her that it is dangerous to talk out about a person that is still on the streets and refuses to play the video. Keep this in mind. She goes home, but finds her roommate/sister/this movie never really explains her importance has left the house a mess. After a long build-up, a threat reveals itself as...

*

Shirtless Michael Ironside covered in earrings! If that is not scary, nothing is! He chases her around, stabs her a couple of times and, finally, thwarts her escape via Dumb Waiter. Rather than killing her, he lets her live another day, which turns out to be in the hospital. She is told that she has to undergo surgery to fix her wounded arm and her boss visits her (fulfilling the second of his five scenes). She is befriended by a nice nurse, but her attacker is still loose. Disguised as a flower delivery man, he gets into the hospital and finds the woman's room. He sees a woman on life-support and cuts her tube. It turns out that they moved our heroine, although the whorish nurse is killed for investigating. Not Whore Nurse!!

*

This movie tends to venture into numerous side-plots that feel unrelated at this point. Our villain picks up a woman at a soda joint. She comes home with him...because a balding Ironside in a vinyl shirt is irresistible, but it turns bad and fast! He rapes her and then the scene cuts. We also get a glimpse of the nurse's home life, which includes a daughter and a young lady who looks like more than just a babysitter. Maybe it's because she suddenly sits down next to the woman on her bed in only a towel that makes me think that. The woman is divorced, which apparently I care about. Plus, we get Ironside at an old folk's home with his dad. We get Psycho IV-style flashbacks to sort-of explain the villain's motivation. Where did you go, plot?

*

I have to address one glaring problem with this movie: the premise. It is built entirely around Michael Ironside's ability to blend in and get into any building. Is he at all inconspicuous? He never once stops making his evil face, but wears glasses or different uniforms. Picture Ted Bundy. Now picture him in glasses. Would you automatically let your guard down around this person? Hell no. In fairness, this is sort of a Catch-22. The guy looks really creepy and is effective in the role. He is simply not believable as a master of disguise, glasses or not.

*

The movie does get pretty good in the finale, although some stuff is a bit sketchy. The villain tricks his way into the hospital, while the police find his apartment thanks to a very elaborate group of subplots. Basically, the girl he raped goes to a Free Clinic that our nurse just happens to work at one day a week. She later comes to the nurse and proves useful to the plot. He attacks our heroine again, but she manages to flee. She is tricked into taking the elevator into the basement, which appears to be the same one from Clonus. In a stupid twist, it is also where another one of his victims is being treated. Really, movie?!? She manages to trick the man and stabs him to death. No, wait! He's still alive for one last...never mind. He's dead. The End.

*

In all honesty, this movie is pretty good. It is for that reason that it avoided being classified as '80s Trash.' Shatner is barely in the movie, but does liven it up when he appears. Ironside is very good at his role, even if it is barely-written. He is solely a crazy man who hates strong women due to a past incident. No complexity here, people. The pacing is pretty well and it does not always jump right to the killing. If you can accept the absurdity of Ironside sneaking past everyone, you can have a good time.

*

You want more Mondo and more Macabro. Okay. Stay tuned...