Sleep Tight: Wes Craven's New Nightmare (1994)

 How did I never get around to this Meta Sequel?  Dunno.

This is Wes Craven's New Nightmare, the 1994 Film that attempted to revive the Franchise.  After 6 Films, was there anything left to do?

Well, the answer was to bring the original Director back.  Duh.

The Plot involves the Star of the Original (and third) Film playing a version of herself, alongside her fake Husband and fake Son. 
Freddy turns out to be real...sort of as Wes Craven (playing himself) writes a new Film.

Even if this didn't actually revive the Franchise, is it good?
To find out, read on...

In what is technically a Cold Open (as the Film doesn't feature proper Opening Credits), work has begun on a new Elm Street Film- this time using a remote control glove.

It attacks the three Special Effects guys, but...

It was all a dream!

Heather Langenkamp plays a fictional version of herself who doesn't want to be associated with the Films after a Stalker harasses her.

What she doesn't know is that her Husband- who was also an Effects guy IRL- is working on said Film and now has cuts on his hand like in the dream!

Her weird kid- every Horror Mom has one- says that Freddy is appearing at night and Rex, his dinosaur doll, is keeping guard.

She doesn't believe it...but then who sliced up the Dinosaur?!?

Weird things involving the kid and the phone calls make Langenkamp ask her Husband to come home early.

He does that, but starts to fall asleep along the way back and then the glove attacks him!

The Cops think that his massive stab wound is just from the accident.  Right...

The kid, meanwhile, is getting weirder and I'm getting The Ring flashbacks...but this came out years before Ringu.  It is even a year before The Ring- Kanzenban, the original TV Movie Adaptation.

So is this just based on the Book OR sheer coincidence?

The kid continues to freak out and he's clearly not sleeping.

Let's get Lin Shaye (before James Wan made her a Star again) to help him out.

Heather goes to see Wes and he explains that he's writing what he sees in his dreams.  Apparently he did that with the original...while also apparently basing it on strange cases in the U.S.

He's our Exposition Dump- well, he is the Writer- and he tells us that Freddy is just the latest form of some deep, immortal evil and only the Films being popular/relevant keep him in check.

'Who wrote this nonsense?  Oh...right.'

Like in Part 5, Freddy seems to want the kid (who is at least born this time).  Why?

Unclear.

He kills people to get to him and then keeps him alive via vague bs powers he now has.

The darker, angrier Freddy eventually gets the kid, so Heather goes into his dreams to save him.

It involves some dated special effects, a second case of Robert Englund and a killer tongue & burning the guy up in an oven...in the Dream World.

It's weird, but we're almost done!

Back in the real World, Heather than reads...the Script to her Son?!?

The End.

A Film that works on many levels- hopefully ones that you relate to.

This Film is all about Family, Motherhood and responsibility.

To be fair, Freddy has strong opinions on pregnancy- especially in teens.

In a way, this makes sense- this is the Franchise aging up with their Audience.  In the 10 years since the first Film, it is easy to imagine young people having a kid (or two).

As such, this one- based on Heather's real life- could hit close to home.

The Meta aspect of the Film is very weird and I don't know if it is for everyone.  There is also more teases of Horror than actual killings, so understand the slower pacing.

All of the things that make this Film feel so weird and interesting are the same things that make it a weird sell to many.

I'm a fan, but I see the issues.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to tell John Saxon that his Script for an Elm Street Sequel is never going to be made (and actually just sold on eBay) ...

For the sake of the joke, this was done sometime before 2020.

Next up, I turn my focus to Ghosts and their ilk.  Should I do a famous Comedy or a serious Drama?  Stay tuned...

Tubi Thursday: Beyond Evil (1980)

 Another scary Movie from 1980 that nobody talks about.

Mind you, this movie is distributed by Troma, so...a bit of a drop from Disney.

This is...

A newly-married couple (John Saxon and Lynda Day George) move into a new place set up by her former beau.

This isn't awkward- you're awkward!

They are set up in a fancy House that- like Watcher in the Woods- has no obvious downside.

Oh, I guess some lady turned to Witchcraft, killed her husband and has considered an evil force by the island for the 100 years.

Other than that, sweet gift, bro!

Lynda seems of two minds here.

Sometimes, she's upset or feeling 'claustrophobic' in the house.

Other times, she's romantic and beyond words.

I think that is just a long-term Manic Episode, no?

No, she's actually slowly succumbing to the whims of Alma, the aforementioned evil lady who did the Witchcraft.

Everything just makes her look crazy to her Husband, for, well, Act 1 and 2.

In Act 3, he finally seeks proper help from a Faith Healer.

Given that multiple people- including the guy who set them up in the House- are now dead, it might be a bit late.

The fully possessed Linda tries to kill John and the Healer.

It goes badly for the latter.

The former manages to separate the pair and then take out the Witch, causing her to turn into dust via Film Cliche #25.

The End.

A pretty solid Film all around, but does it really do anything that unique.

In a word, no.

Just off the top of my head, this reminds me of Films like Masoleum (which I won't link, out of fear of realizing how long ago I saw it) and Daughters of Satan (with Tom Selleck).

Never mind other Films about possessions or ancient Witches and the like.

So why recommend something generic?

Like Store Brand Cereal, this one still satisfies and has a certain charm.  I'm a sucker for John Saxon- what can I say? - and Lynda Day George, I guess.

Honestly, the silly effects are a nice bonus here and the Pacing is good.  Plus, I'm getting a spare induction out of this.

If nothing else, it's got something for the ladies (and men- to each their own) out there...

A fairly basic Horror Film that still works pretty well.  If you're less of a Film Nerd, you may also not see all of the twists coming.

Holiday Flix: My Mom's a Werewolf

I was far too busy working on actual Presents for my Mother this Weekend, so this is just a late bonus.  Today's Film is My Mom's a Werewolf, a 1987 Comedy that I got last year.  I got a Set of 'Horror Comedies' that somehow included a Ritz Brothers Film, a Roger Corman Film (you know the one), 3 Films with Bela Lugosi and...Manos.  Yes, Manos: The Hands of Fate.  Someone apparently mixed up 'MST3K making the Film bearable by mocking it' and 'This Film is a Comedy.'  I got this last year- right after Mother's Day- and sat on the set until this Year.  I either do this one a day late, do it on Halloween (which it is set around) or do it next year.  Time to rip off the Band-Aid!  The Plot involves a neglected Housewife who runs afoul of a dark and mysterious stranger in town.  He turns here into a Werewolf- obviously- and theoretical-hilarity ensues.  If you ever wondered what Fright Night would be like with a Werewolf (and didn't see this Film) or what Teen Wolf would be like with someone facing down Menopause, you're in luck.  You also need to set new standards.  To find out if this is a forgotten gem or a forgettable pebble, read on...

Our Heroine is trying to keep our Household in balance and get some attention from her Husband.

Her Daughter, meanwhile, is hanging out with some girl who is *way* into Horror.  I think I know people like that.

She gets a warning from a Psychic, but ignores it.

Out during errands, the Wife runs across a mysterious man- John Saxon- who woos her with his hypnotic eyes.

Werewolves have 'Glamour' in this.  Why not?

He romances her while the Daughter watches, leading up to her being bitten on the toe.

Cue transformation...at the end of the Movie.  Enjoy some fangs and fur for now.

This all takes place around Halloween and she is desperate for a cure.  If going to a Dentist and a Stylist doesn't help, nothing will.  Time to hide.

It all comes to a head the next night as the transformation gets more severe and Saxon returns to take her.

The Daughter and her friend try to be heroes and stop the creature, managing to stab it with some silver.

In the aftermath, the Parents reconcile and the Daughter is happy.  However, she's then told that she will transform, since she killed the Werewolf.

Another new Werewolf Rule and a Sequel Bait Fake-Out- nice!  The End.

A fun, but shallow Film.  My Mom's a Werewolf is a pretty dumb and silly Comedy.  It uses the Horror Elements pretty much solely for sight gags.  You got fangs- you go to a Dentist.  You covered in fur- go to a Stylist.  All of the shtick is pretty familiar and not that interesting.  The Acting is pretty broad and the whole thing is just plain silly.  On the plus side, John Saxon is great.  He gets one pretty funny bit where he deadpans as the two Teenagers pull out an array of Vampire stuff like garlic (which he eats), a cross and holy water (which he uses like After Shave).  He's the highlight...so of course he's barely in the damn thing.  It's a pretty forgettable Film and bear in mind that I literally just watched it today.  On the plus side, it inadvertently connects this random Film Set, since it features the Poster for Deathrow Gameshow (for like 1/10th of a second).

Next time, a return to the '70s and '80s.  The trashier the better!  Stay tuned...

Impossibly-Cool Cover Art: The Bees (1978)

Are they scarier than Birds?

This 1978 Movie was made near the tail-end of the Disaster/Killer Animal trend of the time.  How did they sell it?

Well...

Neat Cover!

Too bad there aren't giant Bees (or tiny people) in this.

On the plus side, this random shot of our Leads did inspire a more accurate (and boring) VHS Box...

Who thought this was a good idea?!?

Werewolf Week: War Wolves

Either make an art film or make a werewolf movie!  You could argue that many good Directors- i.e. John Landis, Joe Dante- can mix in other aspects like humor and satire into a werewolf movie with success.  However, crappy Directors- i.e. Michael Worth- cannot.  Today's film is War Wolves, a movie I watched nearly a year or so ago and gave up on.  Why?  Well, it's pretty damn boring, especially when you consider it's a film about soldiers turned into werewolves who are hunted by former soldiers.  Worth- who also stars- manages to suck all of the energy out of this idea, but tries to cover it with artsy crap.  I'll get into more of that later, but I'd rather talk about the 'stars' of the film.  No doubt to help funding, the movie features a bunch of C-List actors who at one point were quite famous.  Adrienne Barbeau, John Saxon, Martin Kove, Art LaFleur and Tim Thomerson are all here, albeit in fairly-small roles.  Their appearances here are usually the best parts of the film, although it's not saying much.  To see why it took me two tries to endure this movie, read on...

To really sink things in, this movie begins with a quote from the Bible.  There's nothing wrong with the quote, but it's used in such a pretentious way here!

After a little 'get to know them' filler, the group of soldiers go into a village and get attacked by Werewolves.  Did I say Werewolves?  They're basically just Rage-Virus Zombies, but I guess that's close enough for the movie.

In one of her few scenes, Barbeau plays a Counselor helping our hero/Director deal with his PTSD.  The fact that he's slowly turning into a Lycanthrope doesn't help.  Oh yeah, she is obsessed with conspiracy theories, aliens and Bigfoot.  Sigh.

Our hero ends up in the sights of two former soldiers (Thomerson and Saxon) who are trying to stop all of the people turned that day.  They're missing the pack of three female Werewolves, but let's focus all of our screen time on the Director instead!

In the scene that really killed me, one of the lady Werewolves is run over and her body taken to a bar.  She's naked, but the film never gives you the slightest glimpse of her, even when she's killing everyone along with her pack.  Why make this scene then?!?

We get a Trancers reunion of sort when Art LaFleur shows up as one of the people in the support group.  Him and Tim share only one quick scene together, rendering his whole part- entirely-pointless.

All of this- eventually- builds up to a finale of sorts back at the Church where the counseling group meets.  Thanks, TV Movie budget!  Speaking of which...

Yeah, these make-up jobs are hysterical!  Why can't they be in the movie more often?  Because you might actually enjoy it- duh!

In The End, a bunch of people die and our hero embraces his animal side...or something.  All I know is that John Saxon narrates while they show us two Wolves leave across the desert.  Hurray?  Boo?  The End.

Wake me up when someone transforms!  The plot of this movie is one that should work.  As you may have inferred from my intro, it does not.  The movie put me to sleep at least twice.  Who needs Ambien when you have...a Werewolf movie?  How surprising is that?!?  This movie features no real Werewolf action, terrible pacing and just continuous bouts of randomness.  For example, Tim's character is always making Lists- what a weirdo- and making small-talk with people.  Throw in the bizarre scenes of the counseling group, Barbeau's conspiracy theories and you've got some weird-ass shit.  The thing is that none of these things are really funny, no matter how insistent they are.  This all serves to fill up time that could be used for real action and character development.  This movie is just dull and pointless.  Is there a message?  Maybe, but good luck digging it out. Is there any actual transformation?  No.  For all my complaints about Howling V's lack of on-screen action, we at least got flashes of a full suit.  This movie- a bunch of people with silly noses on.  What a shame!

Up next, November comes to an end with a three-part look at the works of Russell Mulcahy.  First up, an HBO version of Cape Fear, only with gaping plot holes, Jesse Ventura and, of course, sword-fighting.  Stay tuned...

Saxon the Beach: Cannibal Apocalypse

I will give John Saxon some credit: he works a lot. The versatile character actor has played so many variations of himself over the years that he is almost like a reverse method actor. The only real characterization that he gets is given to him by the script (i.e. Welcome to Spring Break's implication that his Sheriff character was into BDSM). How does he keep getting work? I honestly ask that question a lot. In fairness, his work in the last few years has consisted of one short film by Dario Argento, a couple forgettable horror films and the cinematic classic War Wolves, which co-stars Adrianne Barbeau and Tim Thomerson. Before he got there, he made today's movie. Sit back, get some red meat and enjoy my review of...

Cannibal Apocalypse

Our film begins with a group of prisoners trapped in a cage in Vietnam. Thankfully, John Saxon and a group of gun-toting commandos are there to save the day. Oh, and this movie is Heaven for lovers of Vietnam stock footage. There is something weird about our two captives though. When a Vietcong falls into their pit, they begin to eat her. Easy there, John McCain. When Saxon extends his arm to them, one of them bites it. Jump cut to years later and Saxon in bed. If you thought 'we need to see John Saxon shirtless in the first ten minutes,' you are one strange, albeit lucky, person. He complains about being haunted by the experience and talks about how he has to take his pills.

*

Our plot thickens when a couple things happen. One of the two prisoners gets released from an asylum and a 'Lolita' tries to tempt him. He seemingly resists the temptation, but the movie is intentionally vague about what happens. I smell a late-film plot twist. His buddy tries to make contact, but Saxon is stand-offish about the whole thing. Cannibalism is better solo, I guess. He goes off to see a movie, but gets lured in by the taste of human flesh. The crazed man is chased off and hides out in a flea market. What about that security guard though? Oh, never mind- he's dead now. A long stand-off ensues (at least 10 minutes or so of an 85 minute film), culminating in Saxon talking down his friend. Oh well, all the drama is over now.

*

Oh right, there is still more movie. Basically, the extended climax involves an outbreak of cannibalism. Evidently, it is a contagious disease spread by the men from Vietnam. Does anyone else besides them have it from the country? No. Do they explain what caused it? No. So Saxon, his two buddies and a doctor are running loose in the city. They kill the biker gang from earlier (they chased our crazy friend into the mall), for no other reason than to have another action scene. They are chased into the sewers and slowly get picked off. A couple neat scenes happen, including one man getting a hole blown through the center of his chest. Yes, you see it from every angle. Everyone dies eventually (some more bloodily than others) and we learn the truth about the Lolita and her brother. Here's a hint: they are no vegetarians.

*

Honestly, this movie is not without merit. It is unabashedly bloody and full of action scenes. The movie almost never explains anything about how or why the infection works. You just get bit and *WHAM* you eat human flesh. In fairness, movies like Night of the Living Dead are about a zombie outbreak that simply happens...somehow. Saxon honestly does pretty well here, but the real standouts are the guys playing crazy. Even when he turns evil, John tries to act like the nice guy of the group, protecting the woman, etc. Aren't you still an eater of human beings, buddy? Just checking. You can do worse with the cannibal genre, although this film is certainly not a classic either.

*

If you like really bad, low-budget horror, I have a doozy for you. You will not love it. Stay tuned...

International 80's Trash: Welcome to Spring Break

After that complete non sequitur, you guys probably want a more normal film review. Well, I'll give you one, although the film is anything but normal. Like many films of this time, it was an Italian co-production. Basically, they did everything, but cast a bunch of Americans in it and set it in the United States. Ha ha ha...compromise. This film, sadly, made barely a blip on the radar and has only been resurrected on DVD. So, was it worth the use of a Biblical jargon? Find out in my review of...

Welcome to Spring Break

The film begins with a man being led to the electric chair. Ah, this must be a comedy. No, in reality, the man is a biker gang leader that was found guilty of murdering a young lady's sister. He swears that he is innocent and that he will get revenge for this. Those seem to be in contrast, don't they? Thankfully, they spare us his actual death at the chair's...um, hands. Unfortunately, it cuts right to really bad 80s music. Why are we being punished with him?!?

*

We are introduced to the setting: Hollywood, Florida. Actually, they never say, other than a bench sign. Just to note, the police cars say Manatee County on them, which is...let's just say that the two places are not even close together. The sheriff (John Saxon of...lots of shit), police commissioner and the local priest are worried about Spring Break happening right after an execution. Eh, we're used to it down here. Oh and the gang he was in charge of is still in town. I'm sure they will not cause trouble. Later that night, a hitchhiker is killed by a mysterious biker. Apparently, he has a giant Die Hard battery on the back of it. Note that this is the only comparison between this film and Die Hard.

*

More teens go down, but, in the meantime, let's meet the cast first. Our lead is a College football player who made a bad play at a big game. His buddy wants to help him get drunk and forget it, while also looking to get laid...a lot. He has more condoms than Neo had guns in the lobby scene from The Matrix. They run into a surly bar maiden who makes our annoying friend all hot and bothered. What's her problem? It's not like she's surrounded by drunken men AND her sister was murdered. Oh, those things are both true? Sucks to be her. We also get about six or seven other subplots, including a young woman who just up and decides to become a hooker to keep her room and a jerk who keeps faking his death. Yeah, that happens all the time.

*

The killings are, in a word, ridiculous. A few times the killer 'tricks' people into touching the jumpers on the back of his bike, which of course, do not effect his motort at all. One girl is actually knocked out, tied up with chains and killed with fire from a furnace. By turning it up to full, it apparently can shoot out four feet and turn the girl into a melting dummy. But who is this mysterious killer? Is it the undead biker? It is the mysterious and overly-grizzled cop? Is it the preacher who has almost no role, but keeps showing up? This mystery is more look an episode of Scooby-Doo than an Agatha Christie novel.

*

This movie is pretty damn stupid. It is directed by Umberto Lenzi (credited under a very fake American name), the man known for directed such gory films as Eaten Alive and Cannibal Ferox. This is not like those movies. The funny part is that you can see where the Italian influence comes in. As soon as the killer shows up, the Claudio Simonetti score kicks in, directly in contrast with the cheesy crap that fills the rest of it. The movie is fun and silly enough to laugh at. The creepiest part comes when the two leads end up discovering BDSM gear in John Saxon's house. Eww. You can do worse with movies of this same caliber- the Black Cobra series for one. There are four of those damn things!

*

You want more Zombi reviews? Really? If you insist. Stay tuned...