*Almost* Immediate Response: Holmes & Watson (2018)

I saw this on Christmas Day, but was too busy to post about it until now.  Consider it your late gift from me...

The Good

- Ferrell and Reilly are a great duo and clearly like playing off of each other.
- The Film has some very good moments- usually just plain silly- and makes the most of many of the Scenes.
- It manages to be a bit of a Parody of the RDJ Films, without being so much of a Parody that it suffers from any lack of knowledge of said Films.
- Braun Strowman has a small part, but really shines.  The same goes for Steve Coogan.

The Bad

- The Film can be really hit or miss.  It really dives deep into 'cringe humor,' which isn't my favorite.
- Half of the Reviews I saw complained about a bit they did on Trump.  If that 'pushes your buttons,' you've been warned.
- The Plot is barely-there, so it is more about silly bits than Story.

The Film is definitely not as good as it could or should be.  I still had fun with it, but you definitely have to take the good with the bad.

Will it be a Film that grows on me with later viewings?  Maybe.

Rare Flix: Young Sherlock Holmes

How did this one get to be so obscure?  Big name Director- check.  Big name Writer- Check.  Big time Movie Producer- big time Check!  The Director- Barry Levinson.  The Writer- Christopher Columbus.  The Producer- Steven Spielberg.  So what happened?  Today's film is Young Sherlock Holmes, a film that was clearly meant to lead to more.  Alas, it was not to be.  The film is a 'loving tribute' to Holmes and Watson, at least that's what they say.  I love that they do this TWICE in the film (one in the Intro and one in the Credits).  You really were afraid of the Conan Doyle Estate, huh?  Regardless, the film tells the tale of Holmes and Watson meeting for the first time- previous works be damned!  They must solve a series of strange murders/suicides in London.  The film is notable for a couple of reasons.  One of them is the film being the first to use a completely CG Character- suck it, Peter Jackson!  Will this film find a good middle ground between the good (although sometimes creaky) early Holmes films and the overly-stylized Guy Richie films?  To find out, read on...

If you are a fan of the Books, remember that this is not canonical.  All six people who would go to see a film called 'Young Sherlock Holmes' and be obsessed with continuity, your fears are alleviated.

I wonder if the Sherlock Holmes Porn film from 1975 has this same note.

A man seems to go crazy in a Restaurant and later at home.  He sees his house on fire and leaps out the window to his death.  I'm not sure why he thought he would have survived that in the first place, but whatever.

At Academy (see- I can talk British), we see Watson and Holmes meet for the first time.  They hit it off.

It's also worth noting the small, but vocal group of people who claim that 'Harry Potter' ripped off this film.  Just think of Watson as Harry, Holmes as Ron and Elizabeth as Hermione.  It doesn't help that Columbus wrote this and the film versions of a couple Potter films.  Could be, could be.

Here's the big moment.  This Priest gets shot with the 'imagine things' poison dart and sees...the Knight from the Stained Glass Mosaic in the Church trying to kill him.  He runs out into traffic (okay- one guy with a cart) and dies.

The other hallucinations have some meaning- the guy's food attacking him, a demon on his chest- but what's up with this.  Great effect though, thanks in part to an early work by John Lasseter.

Holmes, Watson and Elizabeth investigate the deaths and eventually find a giant wooden Pyramid built into a Warehouse.  I have several questions.

The real issue is that this is nearly the exact same bit from Indiana Jones & The Temple of Doom (only with Egyptians)- a film made by Spielberg himself only a year earlier.  Really?!?

They eventually discover that the man who was obviously kind of evil is actually evil and seeking revenge on the people that desecrated the Tomb of his people.  As such, they try to sacrifice Elizabeth, since this has to be really derivative.

I won't SPOIL everything that happens- in case you really want to see the film naturally-, but I will reveal that they get almost no credit, since Holmes and Watson didn't become Detectives at 18.  Plus, it sets up Inspector Lestrad for the stories.

In a Post Credits scene, we see the arrival of...DUN DUN DUN!!!!

He even stops to raise an eye brow (now copyright of Dwayne 'The Rock' Johnson) to tell you that he's evil.  Good luck with that sequel.  It's only been 28 years.  It took that long for Tales of an Ancient Empire, after all.  The End.

Well worth the time tracking it down, I think.  Viewed in a modern context, Young Sherlock Holmes can be a bit dated.  So much of what it was doing was new then, but has been done many, many times since.  Is that a cop-out?  Maybe.  The look is great, seeing London look like it should for the time period.  The story is solid, giving us good motivation for all of the people involved.  The special effects hold up quite well, especially the Stained Glass Knight.  They say that it took 4 Months to do, which is funny when you consider that it lasts about 15 seconds.  It makes you rethink how you've spent the last 4 months, huh?  In summary, the film is a neat little gem from the 1980s.  It looks nice and polished, even if there are some moments that are really derivative.  The one goofy part that really stands out to me is just what scares young Watson- anthropomorphic candy/donuts.  No, really.

Next up, I find the time to review a Christmas Classic.  Since Maynard doesn't like it, will then like it by default?  Stay tuned...

Lost in Translation and Impossibly-Cool Cover Art: The Asylum's Sherlock Holmes

Serendipity is a weird thing.

I was not looking for alternative Cover Art for a film I reviewed around 3 years ago.  However, while searching for 'Sherlock Holmes future' on Google to simply update an old Forgotten Toons segment, I found this...

Ho-ly crap- that's awesome!

Holmes looks like an odd cross between Robert Downey Jr and the gang from A Clockwork Orange!  He's apparently dual-wielding a Sword and a Dirty Harry-sized gun!

I love this freaking poster!

Lock Me Up: The Asylum's Sherlock Holmes

Do I even need to tell you that this is a bad movie?  Honestly, you already know.  What you may not know, however, is just how bad it is and just how obscenely-stupid it is.  If you have ever read a single Holmes story, you will be shocked and horrified at every turn.  Hell, if you are like me and know the character just based on films and stories told about the books, you will know just how bizarre this thing is.  On a certain level, it is impressive that something so absurd was created.  You just want to revel in the whole experience.  Then again, this is The Asylum, so they make even that hard!  For example, my disc came on Day 1 from Netflix (it came on 1/26 exactly) and skipped for a ten minute segment.  *Sigh*  This happened with my copy of Mega Shark vs. Giant Octopus a while back, proving that they make discs with the same care as they do films!  Let's get down to the elementary facts in my review of...

The film begins by introducing to its odd framing device.  Basically, it's 1944 and Dr. Watson is on his deathbed.  He shares one last journal (read: book) with...some lady.  If they don't bother to explain this, I won't either!  Our first bit in the present, which is the past....more so than the other past of 1944...is of a group of sailors on a boat.  No, I'm not going to do a Lonely Island joke- ever!  Why do we see them?  Two words: giant squid attack.  Before you can stop to think about that, we jump back to London, only to learn that everyone is cast wrong.  Holmes is a small man who is about a foot shorter than Watson, who does not really have the build for it.  To make matters worse, Holmes never wears his trademark hat or jacket.  Hell, he doesn't even wear the right color!  Way to base your whole movie on the trailer to a Guy Ritchie film, guys.  Our first bit with Holmes has him showing off by pulling Watson away from an autopsy- which was totally common in 1888- by explaining everything.  Of course, given this movie's quality, the whole thing is a cheat.  He explains the man's profession and death by examining body parts he could not see and, on top of that, he was on the other side of the room.  Way to use your bionic eyes, Holmes!  We are also treated a long, drawn-out scene of Watson climbing down a cliff to check out the boat wreckage.  It goes nowhere, so, for everyone, I say 'thank you for the padding.'  Things look up as a man propositions a woman in- you guessed it- White Chapel, only to be cock-blocked by...a dinosaur.  Of course, this looks like shit for two reasons.  One- the CG is done by The Asylum and two- this is a T-Rex, but done on the scale of a Raptor.  What the hell, guys?  Could you just not make up your minds?

  Monster hysteria grips London, despite there only being one witness to the dinosaur attack and no survivors of the squid attack, how is it news?  A random scene involves a man consulting Dr. Watson for more drugs to deal with his pain.  They tease a romantic subplot with Watson and the woman, but that goes nowhere.  Holmes and Watson go for a walk to discuss the recent events, only to come across a giant dinosaur footprint.  After this, they are startled by...the sound of a dinosaur and flee. That's right- they don't show it.  Hand-held footage of two idiots dressed like literary characters and running from nothing- check.  This ends in our heroes simply getting away without a real resolution, but discovering that a water pump has gone missing from a building.  Inspector Lestrade shows up and basically parrots what we already know.  Don't worry- his appearance in the film does have some pay-off eventually.  By some stretch of logic, Holmes and Watson investigate a man who appears to be a blacksmith.  We also get the requisite 'Holmes wears a disguise and fools Watson' bit.  Wow, you can read the stories too!  Unfortunately for the smith, the dinosaur shows up and kills him.  Never mind that Lestrade is about three rooms away, the floors are metal and the building is not that big.  Who was expecting logic at this point?  DVD glitch, take me away!

A ten minute segment was un-watchable on my disc leads me to suddenly see Holmes and Watson captured by a mysterious man in a metal suit and the woman.  As it turns out, the sick man from before was actually Sherlock Holmes' brother Mycroft, although he is called Thorpe here.  Why, exactly?  He is out of his wheelchair because he has found a way to wire his damaged neurons and synapses into...a metal suit of armor.  Yes, they combined their rip-off of a Robert Downey Jr. film with another Downey film- Iron Man!  But wait, it gets better!  Myc-thorpe has made a bunch of robots, including the squid and the dinosaur- all without anyone noticing.  The blacksmith was working with him, but got killed for trying to turn on him.  The woman is a robot, because...well, why not?  The reason for Thorpe-cro's illness- being shot by Lestrade during a bust.  That's right- he used to be a cop!  With his foes captured, he has a tied up Lestrade in the next robot- a giant, flying dragon- that he will use to destroy London and then blame Lestrade for it.  Yeah, that makes sense in so many ways!  As a bonus, his lady robot is wired to explode after walking over to Buckingham Palace- again, why not?!?  Holmes chases his evil brother is a machine-gun mounted flying machine that is kept in running condition and takes down his brother, while Watson stops the lady after she kills all four guards at Buckingham Palace.  After telling his tale, Watson instantly dies.  Can I join you now?

Yeah, this movie is really bad.  At times, it is dull and listless.  The dreary brown and light green of the fields does nothing to draw your focus.  At other times, it is oddly-dramatic and compelling, even if it is at the cost of logic.  A dinosaur is always eye-catching, even if it is in CG that internet critics can pull off!  This whole thing is pure bullshit though.  The Asylum has to always make a movie about stupid CG monsters- even if they don't show them- and 'mockbusters,' so that's a given.  The idea of using it with this license is just supremely-stupid though!  Even if you get past that...somehow, the actual bits with Holmes and Watson are just not that interesting.  All the interesting has been sucked out of Holmes (don't visualize that, please) and Watson is...even duller than Watson usually is.  The only funny Watson is from John Cleese's Holmes movie and that guy was an idiot with bionic ears!  Nothing about this movie is genuine, good or all that interesting.  If you want something mind-numbingly stupid to insult, this is good for you.  On the plus side, it was better than Monster.  Of course, watching Blood Freak whilst having my ears poked with a hot iron is better than watching Monster!

Next up, a really rare film has made its way to my doorstep.  I'll give you a hint: it's about a big green monster and was made in 1985.  Hint: the year is the clue.  Stay tuned...

Forgotten Toons: 'Future Holmes' (Part 2)

After the failed attempt at a series launch via Bravestarr, we have a real show starring Holmes...in the future! This is...

Sherlock Holmes in the 22nd Century

In the story, someone resembling Professor Moriarty is scene committing a crime. Faster than you can say 'this reminds me of Demolition Man,' the preserved body of Sherlock Holmes is 'youthened' via some techno-babble. He is joined in his adventures by the female descendant of Police Inspector Lestrade & a robot that takes on the look and mannerisms of Watson. I guess we can believe one of them being dragged into the future, but not both!

The show was a mix of rehashes of old Holmes stories (albeit with future tech) and completely new ones. In another curious idea, the main villains- Moriarty and Fenwick- only appear in about half of the episodes. If you are going to build a show around them, use them more! It's not like Batman: The Animated Series, which featured at least a dozen villains, plus side stories with normal criminals as well.

The series was the brainchild of some Scottish TV producer, which may explain a lot. Those guys are just weird. Seriously though, how many shows can you think of that are a co-production of an American company (DiC) and Scottish television?!?

The show actually ran for two years, which is quite a longer time than most of the shows featured in this segment. Good on ya!

Let's keep the time-jumping theme and cover a little gem from Cartoon Network that was just too silly to work. It takes a Squad, as they say. Stay tuned...

Sherlock Who?: The Strange Case of the End of Civilization...

It is very rare that I cover movie comedies here, so that should tell you something. Some might say that this is a flimsy pretense to talk about a Sherlock Holmes film during all the build-up to the new film. That's just silly. By the way, stay tuned for Part 2 of my 'Future Holmes' segment in Forgotten Toons. Anyhow, this film is notable because it stars John Cleese, does not have a *good* DVD release (VHS Master all the way!) and is funny as hell. Considering that it stars one of the men behind Monty Python and is about the world's most famous detective (suck it, Monk!), you would think that this movie would be a bigger deal. On the plus side, it is obscure enough for me to seem important for reviewing it. Hurray for that, I guess. If you like your movies silly, check out my review of...

The Strange Case of the End of Civilization As We Know It

After an opening credits sequence involving Cleese riding around London on a bike...for some reason, we are treated to a bunch of dignitaries on a plane. After the stewardess passes by, we meet a man who is supposed to Henry Kissinger. They don't call him that, mind you, but he really is. He lands in Palestine and says 'shalom,' which prompts all of the people there to shoot him. Why did he do that? As is explained to the President (an avatar of Gerald Ford), he had misplaced his notebook and could not recall where he was going. At this point, the comedic tone is set by the briefing scene. If you don't like old Vaudeville-style gags, avoid this movie. In England, a collective of detectives (trying to that five times fast!) has assembled to deal with the problem. On the plane, you see, a note was left from the culprit. They explained that they plan to bring the end of civilization (as we know it) in less than a week. The name on letter: Moriarty. The detectives are led by the British delegate (Denholm Elliot) and feature people from America, Australia and Africa. They think up one man to call: Sherlock Holmes.

*

As we quickly learn, this descendant is a bit less intelligent than his stock would make you think. Initially, he fights with the Police Inspector sent to recruit him, but gets beaten up. We also learn that he is a bit of a drug addict in some oddly-subtle jokes (for this movie, mind you). After the Inspector leaves, he comes back a moment later with a knife in his back. Holmes runs to get help, while the dim Watson (a doctor, mind you) decides to pull the knife out. He is corrected on that by the maid and puts the knife back in! Holmes explains what happened & a delighted Watson asks him how he figured it out. He replies- 'I watched you do it!' They take a bus to the meeting and try to help out. The computer tries to think up an answer, but fails. However, the African delegate forces some answers from it with threats of torture. He even kills the thing when they get what they want. Another candidate for Poor Bastards of Cinema perhaps? There is also a running gag with a sniper across the street killing the delegates. If you ever wanted to see a film make a bit about people being assassinated, this is your movie!

*

Holmes and Watson...well, mostly Holmes come up with a plan. They invite all of the world's greatest detectives to a summit to discuss the matter. What's the reason for this, you ask? To lure out Moriarty, of course. This gives us a whole slew of movie and television show parodies, including Columbo, Hercule Poirot and Q. Yeah, they don't give us James Bond...which is just what you would be expecting. On the plus side, we do get to see John Cleese doing a Kojak impression, even if Watson and the maid don't get it. They do make fun of his bald cap in a funny, fourth wall-breaking joke. Unfortunately, as parodies of people like McCloud are brought in, they are killed off-camera by...Watson. But wait, Watson is upstairs doing the crossword puzzle with Holmes! This is revealed to our hero as he exits into a hallway. In an hilarious bit, he figures out which one of them is real by asking them a series of questions. When one of them gives a clear answer, he knows that it is the fake one! The killer is revealed to be...
...yeah, I'm not going to spoil it for once. Just watch the movie.

*

This movie is very good, but will certainly not appeal to everyone. The humor is very silly and never claims to be Masterpiece Theater. The tone is juvenile and the jokes are telegraphed a mile in advance. Cleese had a good time making the movie, which is quite evident in the movie. He does some great physical comedy gags and is extremely sarcastic. This movie's Watson is the biggest idiot on God's green Earth, making you wonder why he is working with Holmes. However, the movie answers this question with a silly line from Cleese explaining how Watson is part-bionic. In case you are wondering, there is a pay-off for the gag and I will not spoil that one either. The film has some funny bits with breaking the fourth wall, including the last title card which is very long & followed by the narrator explaining that it is longer because it is the last one! If your sense of humor is warped and silly, this is your movie.

*

Fun fact: The NY Times apparently had the same idea as me and featured this film on their website. Go figure.

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Next up, I begin my Christmas celebration. First up, the Christmas horror film that promises a lot and delivers...extremely little. Stay tuned...

Forgotten Toons: 'Future Sherlock Holmes' (Part 1)

Sherlock Holmes is an iconic character and has been represented in more films than nearly any other character. He has been played by numerous actors of note, including Christopher Lee, Peter Cushing and Basil Rathbone. Occasionally, however, someone thinks outside of the box and puts him in...the future! There are actually two different incidents of this, so let's start with the earliest...

This is a bit confusing to explain, so try to stay with me. Bravestarr is a Filmation (He-Man, etc) show about a space cowboy trying to restore order to the planet of New Texas. It's a silly premise, but it worked. How does Sherlock Holmes fit into this, you ask? The answer is...odd.

In the show's 65 episode run, only two episodes take place outside of New Texas- these ones. This 2-part has Marshall Bravestarr traveling to New London as an envoy or something. By the way, if you like the rest of Bravestarr's cast, screw you- they're not here. Instead, we are introduced to a new character and a new villain that only appears here. Hurray!

The story centers around the famous Sherlock Holmes tale in which he apparently dies from falling off of a cliff during a battle with Moriarty. In the original tale, it was a trick to lure the villain out and get an advantage. Here, Holmes falls into a time portal that takes place during the storm...for some reason. He ends up in the future and has electric powers due to his trip, as well. What follows is a silly tale of future Moriarty in some sort of weird scheme to control children with music. It does not really make a lot of sense, but this is a children's show from the 1980s.

I should note that the ending leaves Holmes in the future- causality be damned! This is obviously the set-up for a spin-off. If you don't recall ever seeing this show, it is because Filmation went out of business. Their last gasp was a film that tried to be the sequel to Snow White. Au revoir, Filmation.

To see a bit of what this show was supposed to be like, check out the Part 2. It only took 10 years to come to fruition. Stay tuned...