Quadrilogy: Wishmaster 4- The Prophecy Fulfilled

March and this series both come to a close today, so let's get this over with.  

With Wishmaster 3, someone named Chris Angel (not the magic guy) took over.  The man has a total of 8 works to his credit as a Director (counting these films), but over three dozen as an Editor.  

Not to sway your opinion early, but nearly all of those for DVD Special Features such as 'The Story of Hudson Hawk' and 'The Folk Art of Scrapbooking.'  

So yeah, after doing these two films, that's what he turned to and still does to this day.  

Oh, and he was also the Editor for Ancient Warriors, which is a slightly-lower gig still.  What drove him to this level of mediocrity?  Find out in my review of...

The film begins with a sad attempt to trick you into thinking that you're watching the first one again.  Think I'm exaggerating?  

Why else would they make their opening title card split up (one saying 'Wishmaster' and the other saying 'The Prophecy Fulfilled?'  

Oh, and they also re-use that bit of opening narration by Angus Scrimm, only with fire blasting behind it this time.  Subtle, movie.  

Oh right, the story.  

A young couple goes to a new house they bought and has slightly R-Rated sex.  Giving us a pointless shot of your heroine's breasts within three minutes- classy.   Future Note- it is 'Karen' from Corner Gas!

After this, they fade to three years later and we find the couple still together...sort of.  You see, something happened in the time-skip and our male lead is now paralyzed.  

I told you not to go riding with Christopher Reeves!  Yes, I do feel bad for that joke.  

The woman is going to meet with their tall, dark and handsome lawyer, who tries to make a pass at her.  His plan involves giving her a music box that has, you guessed it, the ugly, red gem in it.  She breaks it, the Djinn kills the lawyer and takes over his form.  

Way to reuse the transformation effect from Wishmaster 3, guys!

I feel dumb having to even explain this to you, but here goes...  

The Djinn needs 'the freer' to make three wishes in order for him and his people to take over the world.  Seriously, guys, even Michael Meyers went after different people in the family line besides the sister!  Trying his best to make the change incredibly obvious (she still doesn't figure it out), the Djinn acts completely different when she sees him the next day.  

He tricks her into making a wish but does it in the worst way possible.  You see, the husband is paralyzed due to a motorcycle accident and they're waiting to get paid.  

He makes the man cut his nose, ears and face-off before he sends in the forms to settle.  Just a note: that would not be legally-binding.  

Also, make note of how his nose remains on his body in the shot after it's 'cut off.'  

The husband is mopey and emo since he feels like she doesn't love him and merely pities him.  Meanwhile, she goes three years without any sex, so I'd say he's a bit wrong.  

At dinner with the lawyer, a woman gets caught in an offhand wish to be kissed.  Random guys grab her and get all 'Al Gore' on her (does that joke still track?).  

In a funny note, two women kiss her as well, but do it with all the passion that someone saves for their grandmother.  You can't be too taboo, huh movie?  

A second wish is granted restoring the husband's ability to walk.  

Oddly, he's still an emo jerk.  Prick.

Things get all emotional and dramatic with the couple, so let's skip it.  

The gist of it is this: he thinks that she loves the lawyer/Djinn, but she really loves him.  

In a moment of weakness, however, the woman makes an off hand wish to be able to love the lawyer for who he really is.  This causes him to get all sappy, but still sort of evil towards everyone else.  

They introduce another new element: the hunter.  He's there to stop the third wish from being granted but dies in only his third scene.  Thanks for nothing, plot thread!  

The genie refuses to grant the third wish, which pisses off his Djinn cousins (another new addition).  After he kills the woman's friend for no good reason, he picks a fight or two with the husband and kills a bouncer for no reason.  

In a twisted note, he turns a man into a pimple on a stripper's ass after he indirectly wishes for it.  In this film, everyone says 'I wish,' which sounds really awkward.  

After a freaky dream of being raped by the Djinn, the creature finally reveals his intentions.  He screws with her for a while and chases her, but ultimately corners her.  

He allows the husband to wish for a sword to kill him with, which ultimately backfires on him.  The husband is stabbed, but the Djinn gets shoved into the exposed blade sticking out of his torso.  

Everyone is dead, save for our heroine and the day is saved.  Hurray?

This movie is most assuredly not good.  The plot is silly and very over-dramatic.  

The whole 'lost love and tragic marriage' thing is wrung out for every ounce of pity.  It's all a bit ridiculous for a movie about a killer genie and angels coming out of statues to save the Earth.  

In many ways, it's like the 'parent's death' sub-plot from Wishmaster or the 'I was in an accident' sub-plot from Wishmaster 3.  

However, in those films, it serves no purpose and is ignored for most of the film.  This time, there's no escaping this crap!  It's all very maudlin and forgettable.  They re-use a lot of the same crap from the first film, including the oddly gray suit for the Djinn.  

Seriously, why did they change the suit?  I get that maybe they didn't own the old one, but you can copy it. 
Did they buy the film license, but not the suit license or something?  

It's another dumb, distracting thing in a movie full of them.  There are some good moments in here, but it's not enough to make the film bearable.  

The DVD is full of extra crap that serves no purpose, which is a fitting thing for this bad of a movie.

Next up, I need to escape this crappy, horror series and get something better.  I wish for a completely different movie than the usual!  Stay tuned...

Quadrilogy: Wishmaster 3- Beyond the Gates of Hell

After the bit of repetition that was Wishmaster 2, my expectations were not high for the third film.  Of course, then I learned the whole story.  Evidently, every person involved in the original (including the man that played the titular villain) had abandoned ship.  This is certainly not an encouraging turn of events.  I guess I should look up: they got Sean Connery's son to be in it.  Then again, I did not care all that much for the first two films, so maybe this could work out for the best.  Find out in my review of...

The film begins with a young woman having an horrific flashback.  It all has something to do with a car wreck and explosion that killed her family.  I'm already getting that 'familiar feeling' thanks to this.  You see, one of the pointless sub-plots of the original Wishmaster involves our heroine feeling guilt for not being able to save her parents from a fire.  Did it add anything?  No and neither does this.  Our heroine is a college student who seems to have everything going his way.  Of course, she stumbles across a puzzle box (way to steal from Hellraiser, guys) that houses a big, red gem.  You all know what's going to happen, right?  The Djinn is released and kills the Professor (Jason Connery), taking on his form.  His plan is, you guessed it, to make the woman make three wishes, allowing him to take over the world.  The only people more predictable than this Djinn are Pinky & the Brain!  Of course, the movie has to reach 90 minutes, so we have to have a bunch of stuff with her classmates.  Do I care?  No.

One of the few things that really changes this time around is how the creature plans on forcing her to make the wishes.  Basically, he puts people around her in peril & only her wishes can put a stop to their anguish.  In the big face-off in the college's chapel (obviously, this isn't a state college) he puts a curse on a woman with anorexia.  While she vomits up her organs, the woman wishes for her pain to be ended...so he kills her.  For her second wish, she recalls a tome she read earlier about how the only thing that can defeat a Djinn is an Angel.  By the way, recall that opening monologue from Wishmaster about how men, angels, demons and Djinn were separate?  Well, that's not true anymore.  Also, Djinn change colors when they die between second and third appearances.  That last part is not canon, but I defy you to find another reason for the change.  So yeah, our heroine uses her second wish to summon the spirit of the Archangel Michael to battle the Djinn.  It takes over her boyfriend's body and battles the evil creature with a sword it can just make appear.  A fairly-good fight occurs as the movie proves that the Wishmaster suit can actually move.  Score one for practical effects!

The rest of this movie just sort of meanders about, not sure where it wants to go.  Despite doing well, our heroes flee.  Our heroine's friends get killed in dramatic ways (one is thrown into a horned helmet on the wall, another is eaten by guinea pigs...kind of), while she wanders around with the angel.  To save on the budget, the Djinn spends nearly half of the movie in Jason Connery form, but will also randomly transform at times.  Is there a point?  No.  Michael/boyfriend does really well at times, but also sucks at others.  The Djinn is supposed to only have powers related to giving wishes, but I guess he can just also kick-ass without a pretense too.  Sure- why not?  One decent scene involves the Djinn riding on the hood of our heroes' car before getting himself scraped off.  You couldn't just turn the wheels into chocolate or something?  On the rooftop, it finally decides to use his powers and freeze the Angel in place.  Our heroine tries to commit suicide (I guess she didn't see Part 2), but is saved by the Djinn...in his own sort of way.  Using the Deus Ex Machina sword, however, she stabs Connery/Djinn and falls to her death...but gets resurrected by the angel.  Thank you, false drama.

So yeah, this movie is not good.  It has some interesting ideas with all of the Angel nonsense, but it doesn't really make sense.  A note to filmmakers: you can't rewrite the rules in the third film!  Of course, this stuff would still be pretty dumb even if it was logically part of the canon, since there is no third option besides Heaven and Hell (I'm not counting purgatory, since it's more of a lobby).  A lot of the wishes in this movie are sort of cheats to, as our villain tries to make everything literal.  A woman mentions not wanting to have her heart broken, so he makes it explode.  Incidentally, let's stop and consider something for a moment.  If every wish is to be misconstrued or turned against you, why would he summon the spirit of Michael?  It's like 'I'm going to cheat every time, but not this time...for some reason I'll never explain.'  This movie is stupid and can't make the most of it's premise.  There are decent effects here, but that's not enough.

Next up, March comes to an end with a bang.  Oh wait, it's just another Wishmaster film- now with Djinn rape.  Stay tuned...

Quadrilogy: Wishmaster 2- Evil Never Dies

In the wake of the first film, what should our expectations be set at?  Should we expect a solid, follow-up to a decent, albeit flawed, horror film?  Should we expect a terrible, piece of shit that makes us want to gouge our eyes out?  Well, we're not to that point yet.  Instead, we've got a legitimate follow-up story-wise, but also a sign of exactly how much this series really has to offer.  Is it a good sign or a bad one?  Find out in my review of...

The film begins with a group of robbers breaking into a museum and taking a bunch of shit.  One of those items just happens to be that gaudy gem that houses the Wishmaster himself.  During the escape attempt, a cop shows up and shoots one of the burglars.  In retaliation/self-defense, the woman shoots the cop.  The man sends his lady away moments later, which means that she misses the gem breaking and freeing the creature.  He shows up first as a head with legs on it- a nod to 1981's The Thing, perhaps?- and destroys the dying form of the man.  He takes on his old, human form and runs into some more police.  Showing the series' early signs of lazy writing, he prompts the officer to phrase his request to 'freeze' as a wish and turns the man into an icy block.  Instead of killing more, however, he lets himself be arrested and takes all of the blame for the crime.  Back at home, our heroine feels bad about killing the cop...which she should.  I mean, I know that this is supposed to make her be conflicted and all, but she is a robber who shot an innocent man in the line of duty.  How is she good again?

To help deal with her angst, she consults an old friend who just so happens to be a Catholic priest.  This guy is built like a linebacker, so I guess that there is supposed to be more under the surface.  After he confession to him, he- along with her- is a bit surprised to learn of someone else taking the fall.  In prison, our Djinn friend is making some allies and enemies.  Most notably, he pisses off a Latino gang, which is led by severely-typecast Robert LeSardo (aka the drug boss from Nip/Tuck).  Oh and one of his henchman is Carlos Leon (aka the guy who knocked up Madonna in the '90s).  This group has a lot of people in it, including a pair of cliched martial artists. Really, movie?!?  In addition, the head guard (Dracula 3000's "Tiny" Lister) gets rubbed the wrong way.  The first of them gets dealt with in time.  The enforcer picks a fight with our Djinn in the laundry room and is tricked into wishing to see a real fight.  This allows the creature to turn his two henchmen against him- not that they are aware of why it's happening- and for the Djinn to kill him with the laundry press.  During all of this, both the priest and our heroine visit with the Genie, who makes his plans pretty clear.  He wants 'the freer' to make three wishes.  Yeah, they're doing that again.

After disposing of Lister in a very anti-climactic way, our villain makes friends with a Russian gangster who also behind bars.  Using his powers and some trickery, the pair escape from prison and go to the man's boss.  The boss doesn't trust the man and, in return, gets his face morphed into that of his sworn enemy.  After all that goes down, the Djinn takes over the gang and confronts the woman.  He forces her to make her two wishes, but she escapes before the third one.  But, Alec, you say, why doesn't she just kill herself and put an end to this?  Well, they thought of this and she's apparently immortal until she makes the wish.  Yeah, that makes no sense.  I almost forgot the movie's extra sub-plot: the Djinn must collect 1,001 (subtle) souls.  How can you get that many?  How about going to Las Vegas...or a cheap substitute.  He lets his powers loose in a casino run by Bokeem Woodbine (you again?!?).  Our heroes show up and try to stop the villain, but don't exactly do a good job.  The priest gets put up on a cross to 'be like his idol' and our heroine must make a hard choice.  Of course, she just pulls out a similar trick to the last movie and the day is saved.  Really?!?

This movie is not terrible, but it definitely could be a lot better.  The problem here is repetition and a lack of ideas.  They set up some interesting stuff with the new location (prison) and a new goal (gaining 1,001 souls).  The problem is that this is very much a sequel and makes no bones about it.  Our original villain (in human form) is back and does his job with the usual flair.  You do get a feeling that he's phoning certain parts in more than he did before.  Of course, I can't talk about the acting without mentioning "Tiny" Lister.  The man has only acted well in one film (his cameo in The Dark Knight) and that record remains unbroken here.  Let's talk about the special effects though.  On one hand, I love that the Wishmaster design is made up of practical effects, but it seems even more unrealistic than in the last film.  The CG stuff is not that bad, but it's minimal and, let's be honest, this film is not old enough for that to give it much of a boost.  Stick with the original folks...if you must pick one.

Next up, a new team takes over the series now and brings it..to college.  Why must you remind of Ghoulies III, movie?!?  Stay tuned...

Quadrilogy: Wishmaster

So many film series' try to make it big.  I could spend months talking about these guys and, to a certain extent, I have.  Case in point: Critters.  They got four films out- all with different locations- but never really broke into the hearts and minds of America.  You know what also got four films?  The Wishmaster series!  These films were made in the last '90s to early '00s and were attempting to become the next Nightmare on Elm Street series.  Last time I checked, that film series had seven films, a spin-off film, a television series spin-off and even an Indian rip-off.  This series- not as much.  Success isn't everything though, so let me give this series a fair chance.  Part one -obviously- sets everything up.  As a bonus, it's supporting cast is full of people you may not recognize, but you should.  This is...

Our story begins with a long, silly narration by...Angus Scrimm.  That's odd, but okay.  It's all about people being born from fire, genies not and blah, blah, blah.  The film proper begins with a flashback to ancient Persia.  Is that a good start or a bad one?  Anyhow, some crazy shit is going down and a bunch of people die in freaky ways.  One guy gets morphed into a wall (an effect that became popular in the series) & another one had his skeleton burst out of his skin and bit a guy!  This awesomeness cannot last, however, as the plot intervenes and sets up the events to come.  In a nutshell, the Emperor's adviser turns out to be an evil Djinn (aka Genie) and gets trapped in a big, red gem.  Cutting to present day, we get a statue arriving off of a boat.  The owner turns out to be...Robert Englund.  As the winch begins to lower down the item, his lackey runs over to complain about how they're jostling it too much.  That man is...Ted Raimi.  Aw shit, you know what that means!  Sure enough, Ted is crushed by the falling statue when, of all things, a guy spills his drink on the console.  This reveals the big, red gem from earlier and Englund takes it to a museum curator's assistant to have it appraised.  While looking at it, she accidentally drops it when it turns hot- that's a bit odd, don't you think.  The guy covers for her and uses some sort of laser system to scan it, only for the evil Djinn to come out and take on human form.

The man/creature has a very simple- but obtuse- goal.  He has to find 'the freer' (a term you will hear a lot in these reviews) and make her use her three wishes.  The switch-up: when she does so, all Hell will break loose on Earth.  Why?  They actually never quite explain that in any great detail, but I can live with it.  His human form goes around wreaking some havoc by offering other people wishes.  He grants a bum's wish to get back at a rude drug store pharmacist (a bit eerie, since a friend of mind is training for that job) by killing him.  He also stops by a police station while trying to find information on 'the freer' (see- I told you).  A cop comments in an off-hand manner that he wishes that they could catch a suspect in the act.  This prompts our genie to give the man super-strength and allow him to kill several cops.  When the cop sees our villain pawning off some information on the lady, the Djinn grants the man more strength.  This allows him to rip the lower half of a cop's jaw off!  Damn!  Oh and he gets shot 50 times and dies.  During all of this, our heroine is depressed about the man's death, since they were sort-of/sort-of-not a couple.  Boo-hoo.

While our heroine begins to look into the legend of the Djinn, he gets ever closer to her.  A stop at an art exhibitor's manor leads him to be confronted by a cop played by...Kane Hodder.  He tricks the guy into wishing that the Djinn could walk through him and gets turned into a glass door.  He gives the guy $1 million dollars, but does so by killing his mom in a plane crash.  Finally with enough information, the Djinn confronts our heroine.  He tricks her into using two wishes, but she gets away before a third can be made.  Thanks to a minor sub-plot with her sister, she goes to a party at Englund's house.  The Djinn tries to get in, but is stopped by...Tony Todd?!?  Okay, this is getting silly.  He kills him off by using a vaguely-worded wish & puts him in a glass tank like Houdini.  Once inside the party, he sets loose a ton of crazy kills/wishes.  Some high-points: a woman turned into glass and a harp string ripping the head off of a guy (played by the director, apparently).  Oh and Robert Englund gets turned into a monster.  Our heroine flees...some more and finds that our villain can summon statues to life.  A bunch of them kill some guards and corner her.  She finally makes her wish and wishes that the statue was never broken, putting an end to this film with a Deus Ex Machina.  Hurray.

This movie has its moments, but is really not that good.  The premise is unique and they do some interesting stuff with it.  The problem is that it's pretty one-note.  The whole thing has a straight-forward A-to-B premise, but likes to stall along the way.  Most of the sub-plot stuff (whether it involve the Djinn information or the sad stuff) just feels like filler at times.  Do we need three scenes explaining how Djinn's work?  Apparently, since we are just that dumb.  Thanks, movie.  The acting is pretty decent and the horror heavies do their usual level of acting in their cameos (good or bad).  To its credit, the special effects are not that dated (although the bit with Hodder seems silly) and there is some real creativity.  Now, does this feel like a set-up that needs three more films though?  No.  Of course, they made them anyway, so you get to 'enjoy' them with me.

Next up, we get Part 2 in the series.  What does it bring us this time?  If you said, the same basic plot, but with the Russian mob, you would be right!  Stay tuned...