New Crap: Robert Reborn (2019)

 My early Christmas Present for myself is to be done with these Films- at least until the next one.  One more hurrah for Robert...

It has been a while since the last one (not long enough!) and our 'Hero' is now in Russia under Stalin.

Yeah, that's a good place to hide!

Oh and he has two new Puppets...somehow.

All 3 of the Russians they could afford hear about how someone from Germany is hiding out.

As luck would have it, one of them is into Dolls.

Yeah, I like Dolls.  Can I watch that Film instead?

In a weird bit, we get a long scene of The Toymaker taunting/questioning a fake Russian (fake in the Film too, not just the Actor) before Robert kills him.

After that, a random guy identifies him to 3 Russians anyways, so...what was the point?

We also get this weirdly-shot Puppet Show where the idea is that he impresses the Audience with his 'living' dolls.

The problem is that this Film's Budget and they can't even show ONE walking in full-frame (which they could do back in the first Child's Play!), so...it means nothing.

I won't SPOIL too much of the Plot, but basically he ends up on a Plane full of Russians.  Can he think/fight his way out?

To find out, watch the Film.

Alot more of the same, so...yea?  There's not much new here.  Honestly, if you sub out the fake Nazis for the fake Communists, it is about the same.  People want the book.  He brings his dolls to life.  They kill evil people in old-timey Uniforms.  He isn't a good guy.  That's about it.  Plus, we jump ahead from the main Story and get NO FOLLOW UP on the 'Robert is stolen' Scene from the last Film.  Was that really supposed to set up the original Film?  Did I miss something?!?  The timeline here just gets muddier here, so we really are trying to be like the Puppet Master Films, I guess!  So he hid in Russia for a while and then ends up, as far as I can tell, in the Present day.  Of course, he apparently also stays hidden there in the last one, so where are we going with this?  Speaking of the timeline, this Film also begins with a random Flashback to the origin of Robert and/or the Book.  This time, it is showing us a truncated version of the original Robert being killed and being put into the doll...which is also named Robert.  For all of the crap, Arrow got for its linear Flashbacks told throughout the first 5-6 Seasons, they have nothing on this!  Like the other Films, there's barely a Plot and they still can't afford to make the doll effects worthwhile.  Given how silly things and confusing things have gotten, I just assume that this is the next Film we're getting in the Series...

As always, no Budget and no creativity.  If you like to spend alot of time waiting for little payoff (pun fully intended), this is for you.

New Crap: Robert and the Toymaker (2017)

 The Doll that won't die continues to appear in Films.  How much mileage can you get from a real life Doll that didn't kill anyone?  Let's see...

In 1940s Germany, things aren't great.

A man is hiding out from the Nazis (all 3 of them).  Can they hide him and his magic book?

More importantly, can the Film be a more blatant rip-off of Inglorious Basterds?

Seriously- this is so sad and blatant.

One girl survives the incident (which takes up nearly half of the runtime!) and gives the book to the titular Toymaker.

So here's the second big issue for me- they made the Toymaker old here, despite casting a younger Actor as him.

I thought the whole idea of him being old in the Present was to explain how they do a 1940s story with the YOUNG Actor...but nope.  WTF?!?

As a test of the Book's power, he uses it on Robert.  

He tells his Assistant that he thinks the Doll already houses the soul of a boy named Robert (who died while holding it).

So, obvious question, why have this redundant origin?
Either have the soul animate the Doll OR have the magic animate the Doll?

Oh right- we're ripping off Annabelle, which also DOUBLE DIPPED on its Origin Story!

Besides, ripping off Inglorious Basterds, let's address the obvious...

A Dollmaker is trapped in a Country with Nazis.
He uses a magic formula to bring his Dolls to life to kill them.
He's captured.
The Dolls save him.

So yeah, this is Puppet Master 3.  
Period.

Anyhow, Robert attacks the Assistant for no reason and he gets stopped.

I'm sure that this won't turn out to be important.

To see how this goes, watch the Film on Prime or other services.

Another disappointment of a Film.  Mind you, the last 2 weren't good, so what was I expecting?  This is no different, for the most part.  All of the same problems are here.  The Dolls aren't articulated and don't move- at all.  Anytime they are supposed to be moving, it is either tiny feet moving in a tight shot or someone clearing just moving them up and down.  Seriously- don't make Films about killer dolls if you can't afford CGI or Stop-Motion or Model-Work.  If you can't show the damn dolls move, don't bother!  It's like making a Godzilla Film where you can't afford/figure out how to make him blow up a damn City!  The Acting isn't bad, but it is not impressive.  Not Christoph Waltz does try to sound scary and/or authoritative, but it never feels authentic.  I never 'believed' he was evil, if that makes sense.  That's another thing- they loved to give him Monologues in this one.  He monologues in EVERY Scene.  In a bit where he kills 'a rat,' he can't just do it.  No, he needs to drone on for like five minutes about 'the rat race' and stuff like that before he kills them.  The old 'Here's your payment- shot in the head' schtick is too good for you, eh?  This one also continues the double-dose of stupid: people can't overpower dolls and one tiny cut/blow kills you.  Tell me how a doll can hit you with a bat to knock you out again- I'm all ears.  The Film is long and drawn out with little payoff.  That's clearly why they made...a FOURTH ONE?!?

Bad stuff that thinks that it is better than it is.  It's not original or thrilling- bummer.

New Crap: The Curse of Robert (The Doll) (2016)

 Who is the real dummy- me or him?  The tale of a not-at-all-scary Doll has been turned into a Series of Films, so let's look at the second one...

As a reminder, this is Robert the Doll.
He resides in a Museum in Key West, Florida.

I haven't visited him yet.  Should I?

This is Robert the (Movie) Doll.  

He looks like a cross between Chucky and the old Bucs Coach who they said looked like Chucky.
He resides in a Museum in Swansea, England.

Our Story involves a quartet of people working at the Museum.

It all happens at night for a few reasons...

1) Atmosphere

2) Lazy Writing

3) No Budget to show actual people in the Museum.

Seriously, not one Scene that I can recall showing this REAL Museum full of people going by the Robert the Doll Exhibit that they must have set up for the Film!

As deaths start to pile up in the Film's small Cast (I counted 7 people of note), will they solve the mystery?

The two survivors try to clear their names (in spite of the lack of evidence) and look into the Doll's past.

Will the Mother help them?  Will they give her the same lazy backstory as the Mom from Child's Play 2?

On top of all that, what bizarre backstory will they suddenly add for the Doll and its Creator?

To find out, stream the Film.

Bad doll- stay in your chair!  This is really not great.  The idea of the Doll killing people- fine.  It is not original in the slightest, but its fine.  The execution is just where it suffers.  This is a Low-Budget Film in all of the worst ways.  They have no real Atmosphere, barely 2 Sets and no good effects.  In 2016, you can't make a Doll appear to be moving in full-frame.  When I'm watching a Puppet Master Film from like 1987, I get it.  We are way past that point though!  The Doll only moves when half of it is not visible- it's just sad.  The Doll also doesn't look that great.  The kills are pretty lackluster, since they rely on all sorts of camera and story cheats to work.  How can the Doll overpower a grown man?  Why does a woman recoil with no energy from something she could easily kick over?  How does cutting one side of a neck instantly kill you?  Why does it take an hour for someone to fight back?  On top of that, the Film is padded more than a used mattress!  The Opening Credits take a good 5 minutes due to them just being shots of her driving to the Museum intercut with black Title Cards.  The Film actually ends a good 10 minutes before it truly does, if that makes sense.  The Story is over...so now let's watch a guy walk in real time to sell the Doll to a guy.  As you can see above, the Budget didn't go into that terribly-fake-looking old age make-up used either.  Oh great- a Prequel.  Here's hoping that it ends up being the best Film yet (low bar, admittedly) like with Puppet Master.  Oh and there's a real danger Google Image Searching for Robert the Doll- you often get insane stuff like this!

A really dull, drawn out Film that didn't look like it had any Budget.  These things can be fun...if they try and get creative.  Too bad.