Poor Bastards of Cinema: Lost Boys- The Tribe

As long as ancillary side characters meet grisly deaths, this segment will continue!

In Lost Boys: The Tribe, our heroes are slowly initiated into said tribe.  The group goes out to a beach one night with some, well, let's just call them skanks.  Who is else goes drinking on a beach with a street gang?

Naturally, this is all just a set-up for the Tribe to feed.  I'd take the news about this well too.

Oh my- these gals are full of Prego!  That explains why they're so lacking in taste, I suppose.

So yeah, they die.  Horribly.  Violently.

So did any of these girls have names?  Nope.  Did they have personalities?  Nope.

They're just nameless slabs of meat that up the body count.  Who said that there were no great roles for women?

Movies That Bite: Lost Boys- The Thirst

You can't go home again.  In addition to that, you really can't recreate a Classic.  Today's film is Lost Boys: The Thirst, a film that attempts to do just that.  While The Tribe is pretty much the same film, this one attempts to do something new.  The problem is that it relies on one person: Corey Feldman.  I don't hate the guy, but he just can't carry a film (at least as this character).  He tries way too hard to seem cool, even while his character is supposed to not be so bad-ass.  It's a weird conflict of Actor and Screenplay.  The film actually apes moments from the tie-in comic made before The Tribe came out.  This pushes the conflict further as the intro is taken outright from said comic.  However, in the comic, the pair's bad-ass moment is eventually revealed to be fictional.  In the film, it is not.  This bizarre mash-up of comic stories, new ideas and stuff from the original Lost Boys just doesn't work.  Oh and they make lots of Commentary on Twilight, since...well, people who like Horror Films don't like it.  I don't either, but none of this plays very well.  It's...well, obvious.  The big gimmick is that both of the Frog Brothers are back together, despite the Alternate Ending which sets up the pair battling in the sequel.  I guess that part didn't count.  To find out what goes horribly awry here, read on...

In the Prologue, the Frog Brothers stop a Congressman from feeding on a House Member.  However, Alan Frog is force-fed Vampire Blood, which turns you instantly.

I guess that's the rule they've set up, but it doesn't exactly mix with most other representations.  At least they're consistently wrong...until a bit later.

We cut to Five Years Later (and two years after Tribe) and see that Edgar is going to lose his shack since he has no money.  I guess the Emersons didn't pay him last time.  Plus, how much money can you make killing Vampires in secret?

He's not that 'in secret' it seems, however, as he gets approached by a woman to rescue her brother from some Vampires.  She's a stand-in for Stephanie Meyer, which is just an excuse to have Edgar and a character later complain about how bad the books are.

Yes, Twilight sucks.  Your on-the-nose shot framing sucks too.  Deal with it.

Edgar goes to get his brother to help him, but he's in no mood to help out.  They name-drop all of the characters from the previous film that won't show up.  It also points out the fact that the leads from Tribe share the same last name.

So, wait, The Tribe was a rehash of the first film AND featured relatives of the original film's leads?  How come Edgar said nothing about this?  That's weird, right?

Edgar teams up with the lady from the local Comic Book Shop- since he worked in one in the first film- to go on the mission, since he'll be able to take out 'the original Vampire' and get rid of all Vampires everywhere...forever.

I know I'll sound like a nerd (too late) for saying this, but Dr. Strange already beat you to it!

I won't SPOIL this death for you, save for telling you that it was a long time coming and that you'll know who it is from the moment you see the character.

There's also some commentary on Reality Shows being fake and 'all sucking.'  This is done without irony by Feldman, who had literally just appeared on one!

The biggest middle finger to the audience is who they throw in all of these sepia-toned clips from the original film.  I could be watching that instead?

I won't mock them for the scene of Feldman placing the Batman comic that Haim's character bought in the first film at his grave.  Why not?  Well, I'm not 100% sure that this wasn't done to commemorate Haim's actual death, so I don't want to be that asshole.

Can Feldman, a Comic Book Store Employee, some douche, his Camerman and Not Stephanie Meyer rescue the brother?  Will they use a twist that a recent Bruce Willis film used to completely ruin its Third Act recently?

Will the two Brothers fight or save the day?  Will they prove that stubble is inherently linked to you being a Vampire?

To find out all of those serious (and not-so-serious) questions, watch the film.  The End.

Seriously though, you aren't missing much.  The biggest problem is the film's biggest selling point: Feldman.  His Edgar Frog is not a bad Character, but is used far too much.  He was a Supporting Character in the last two films, but is now the lead by virtue of being somewhat famous, but also willing to appear in this.  Just for contrast, let's take another Franchise and give it a similar treatment.  Imagine if they made Beverly Hills Cop IV (which they will eventually), but it didn't feature Axl or Rosewood.  Instead, they got John Ashton to sign on again as Taggart for the film and he was now the lead.  Would the film work?  No.  That's nothing against the Actor or the fictional Character, but you can't just do that.  You can't try to bring back the magic of a film with a similar story, but none of the heart.  The film doesn't ever know what it wants to be.  On top of that, I have to throw in a little gripe of my own.  Recall how much the 'consistent rule is that its inconsistent' crap bugged me?  Well, in this film, all of the Vampires die in the exact same way.  That's...better?  The movie does even little things that should be neat wrong.  For example, they actually do a good job of disguising the area for California.  Why that's bad is that they actually shot it in Africa.  So, in essence, they shot it in a foreign country and did extra work to make that pointless!  Dawn of the Mummy shot in Egypt and actually set it there.  It still wasn't a good film, but it at least made a point of the traveling expense.  If you really want to see how a Franchise can go astray, watch The Tribe and this film.  As for me, I'll spend all night thinking about how they just destroyed the Universe with this super-Meta sight gag...

Next up, another Asylum film.  Since I'm finally going to see Bryan Singer's most recent failure, I might as well watch the super low-budget version too.  Stay tuned...

Movies That Bite: Lost Boys- The Tribe

If a Film Franchise is lost in the Woods, will anyone care?  Today's film is Lost Boys: The Tribe, the long-delayed sequel to the 1980's Cult Classic.  For the record, I've re-watched the original- on Blu-Ray to boot- and it's damn good.  It holds up really well, aside from the obvious fashion issues.  A few years ago, they finally got around to making a new film.  Only one of the major Cast Members returns- in Scenes that stayed in anyways- so it's not like this was a big get.  Granted- the dead Characters can't return.  Although, to be fair, one of them actually does!  It's not addressed well in the film- leaving that to a tie-in Comic-, but I'll go over it in a bit.  The movie attempts to tell a new story, but mostly just tells the old one again.  They do that 'let's address this as a Sequel, but pretty much repeat things anyways' bit that I really don't care for.  Just make a new story or don't- there's no need to rub my nose in your laziness!  The plot involves- get this- a couple of young people moving to the Town from the first film and finding out there are Vampires there.  On top of that, one of them gets lured to the fang side.  Can the brother save her or is she a goner?  How will a once-famous teen Actor play into this?  Will his comically-deep voice be comical?  To find out, read on...

In the Cold Open, a bunch of Biker Surfers- haven't seen that before- ride up to an Island and run across...Tom Savini.  Get this- he's playing Keifer Sutherland's Character from the first film, who was told to survive in the Comic Book.

They kill him, signifying some sort of 'changing of the guard'...provided that you knew his name (not said), made the connection (not explained) and knew that the character wasn't dead (not mentioned).  Yea.

Our heroes- a brother and sister- move into town with some lady.  Her only role is to 'comedically' think that they're doing/selling drugs.  Moving on...

To the film's credit, they thrown in a nice reference to the Shirtless Saxophone Player, who had become a meme by then.  It's nice and random.

Corey Feldman returns as his Frog character.  It is kind of odd that he regresses back to a bad-ass after learning that monsters are a lot scarier in person during the last film's climax.

If you think that's odd though, don't read the tie-in comics.  They basically make him and his brother into Blade.  Double yea.

Our hero's sister falls in love with the leader of the new Vampire Gang (who was explained to be an early victim of Keifer's character- which means he should have turned back to normal at the end of the first film).

He reminds me a lot of 'Harpo' from Twilight, although that's a complete coincidence.  They don't mock Twilight until the next film...

Apparently Vampires all die differently, essentially saying that 'The Rule is that the Rule is Not Consistent.'  This girl turns into a statue when impaled, even though this has never happened before (or since) and this exact manner of killing is what Kiefer's character apparently survived.

After some filler and nudity, our hero joins forces with Feldman to kick some Vampire ass.

Oh and he's also a Vampire now.  Is that important to note?

 The pair split up and take down most of the Vampires.  Our hero's sister finally turns on the lead Vampire and helps defeat him.  He burns up, since, again, no Vampires die in the same way.  Inconsistency is consistent!

The pair go home and get a 'don't do drugs' lecture from their Landlord, all while covered in blood.  Funny?

In the official Post Credits Ending, Feldman faces off with a vampiric Haim (which goes nowhere due to Haim being 'too busy' and later dying in 2010).  In alternate Endings, he warns him of his brother's return, since he's now a Vampire, except for the other Ending where he's not.  The End(ings).

Have I done the 'This bites' joke recently?  In all seriousness, this is a lot of rehash with very little to add.  The original film has a great soundtrack, great atmosphere and feels like a unique take on Vampires.  They seek thrills, corrupt the youth and just generally act like immortal teenagers.  Here- it's pretty much the same thing.  It's more 'extreme' here as they taunt the Cops while on Motorcycles in that one scene.  They don't build up to a bigger twist like the original, so I guess that's...good.  I mean, it does make it feel different.  ON the other hand, it makes it feel like a regression.  You took away the more interesting Plot Point, but left everything else.  The upsides are the mostly-decent F/X shots, even if the idea behind them is silly.  Seriously, how is it a rule that all Vampires die differently?  Explain how a lack of consistency happens consistently!  Help me, Douglas Adams!  Anyhow, the film is just a newer, edgier version of a better film.  Watch that film first.  If you MUST watch the newer one, it's alright, but nothing more.  It does feature this hilarious continuity gaffe in which Vampires have reflections though...

Next up, we'll take a break before tackling Lost Boys 3.  In its place, an Asylum 'riff' on a bomb of a film that stars Adrian Paul (sadly).  Stay tuned...