Father's Dei: Invisible Dad

After a month of sitting on this one, it is good to exhale!  Today's Film is Invisible Dad, a 1998 Comedy that I...accidentally rented way too early.  I'd considered this before, but couldn't get it out of Very Long Wait (mostly because there is probably like 5 copies of this left) in time.  This time, I put in my Queue back in May and...got it right away. Dammit?  Rather than keep this in my House for that long (even though I've *owned* far worse Films for Years), I watched it right away and just saved the Pics.  Thankfully, my general disdain for the Film has held as well.  It isn't really, truly terrible, but it is the kind of stuff that was deemed 'safe' Family Entertainment when I was younger.  Like 2 Decades later, I still can't believe that we couldn't watch Spaceballs on a trip(since they said 'assholes'), but we could watch My Dog Skip (which was TWO Scenes of a Dog being attacked).  Logic!  We also watched Seven Brides for Seven Brothers, which has the Leads kidnap 7 women and hold them against their will...but its alright since they fell in love with the men during that time.  Bill Cosby is more romantic than you guys!  Speaking of famous Dads, this Story involves a kid with a magical machine, corporate espionage (yea?) and rare Treasure Hunters.  It also has Ross Hagen.  It is also good to see a Kid's Film from the Director of Bikini Hoe-Down, Illicit Dreams 2 and Bikini Drive-In- all Films he Directed under pseudonyms right around the same time as this one.  To find out just how silly and bad this whole thing can be, read on...

This kid has the usual 90s Kid Movies Problems- No Mom, Dad moves around all the time and that Dad is always working.

You may laugh, but many of you had that haircut back then...

Their new House has some crazy Inventor's old stuff in it, which the Computer-loving son loves.

In the Garage, he finds a device that grants your wishes...if you say them into a wired headset.  Instead of wishing for Bluetooth about 5 years early, he wishes for stuff like Ice Cream and...an Actress from a Baywatch-like Show to be teleported into his Room (against her will).

Baywatch- nothing about this Film is dated!

The Dad gets on him about not doing housework and tells him to take apart the machine.  Before that happens, the kid wishes to 'not see him for awhile' leading to him turning invisible.

Yes, they took a MAGIC WISH MACHINE just to set up the Invisibility.  Was a Formula too cliche?

In Kid's Film Plot Thread #17, the single Dad is hooked up with the kid's Teacher.  She takes the news well.

 The crux of the Plot comes down to the Scientist's buddy coming to help fix the machine.  Hey, it is the Sheriff from Curse of the Puppet Master!

 Despite being only about 80 minutes, the Film feels like it goes on forever.  Let me rush to the end...

The Evil Contractor Sub-Plot ends when the Boss (Karen Black!) learns that his bricks are fake.

The Evil Guys Want to Steal the Machine Sub-Plot ends with...this.

The Dad is restored, him and the Teacher are a couple and the good Scientist...uses the Machine to kidnap the Actress from Not Baywatch again.  Hurray?  The End.

Contrived and routine stuff.  In a time when Pixar was making Films that were more than just Kids Films, leave it to Fred Olen Ray to return the status quo.  This is really obvious stuff.  The Invisible Dad parts are just the set-up for obvious gags like kicking a guy in the butt, knocking food into people's face and all of that kind of stuff.  Even in 1998, this was pretty dated stuff.  It would have almost been less dated if they had just stopped to do Who's On First? instead!  It is still hard to get past the idea that they introduce a WISH GRANTING MACHINE and do so little with it.  An Adolescent Boy can't do anything better than wishing for Ice Cream, to meet an Actress and to ask Sam Spade to help him write a Book Report?!?  There are good Movies- those that deep, serious and/or insightful.  There are 'Popcorn Movies'- those that are pure fluff, but fun nonetheless.  Somewhere below that is the kind of Film that doesn't try to be deep, serious or insightful & isn't that fun nonetheless either.  This is a Spam Film- it isn't tasty or interesting, but it is technically a Film.  It does give me an attempt to make this Meme happen though...

Damn silly and contrived stuff.  Kids of the 90s got some good stuff...but this isn't one of those Films.

Project Terrible: Demented Death Farm Massacre (aka Honey Britches)

This is practically the Unholy Trinity of Bad Movies.  There are many factors that can make a Bad Movie.  Such factors include a bad Director (e.c. Ed Wood), a bad Writer (e.c. Ed Wood), an equally-bad idea (e.c. Ed Wood's Night of the Ghouls).  Hmm...I wonder if there is a pattern?  All Ed Wood bashing aside, there are a few things to really look for.  For example, what if the movie is Credited to a famously-bad Director like Fred Olen Ray?  That's definitely worth a point.  What if the film 'Stars' John Carradine in a tiny role where he gets top/high billing?  That's worth at least one point, possibly two.  You could argue that Carradine alone being in a film made in the last fifty years counts (with rare exceptions).  The films in which he barely appears, but gets high billing in are usually pretty bad (see Frankenstein Island, The Wizard of Mars, Doctor Dracula) as a general rule.  Besides just relating to Carradine, this bait-and-switch tactic is pretty reprehensible just on face value.  So here's the Story: this is a patchwork film.  It is no Curse of Bigfoot, but it is pretty silly.  Basically, we have an unsold film called Honey Britches.  Fred Olen Ray got his hands on it, got John Carradine to shoot new footage (it is not the first time!) and retitled it.  Troma ultimately released this, so you can get a gauge on the quality right there.  Is it good, bad or Terrible?  To find out, read on...

After two minutes of B-Roll footage of a rusty truck driving, we get the title card (see above) and then this dubious credit.

'Starring,' you say?  Well, let's examine this...

Carradine appears in the inky black void of...the Woods, I think and says that he is the Judge of Hell (or something).  He makes a confusing statement about people are lucky to get his attention...but won't live to experience the joy of it.

I ask this again: was your Theater Troupe worth it, Mr. Carradine?

So here's the plot: a bunch of robbers have their car break down.  Naturally, they wander through the Woods to find a way to escape.

The only notable member is the leader with his posh Donald Pleasance-sounding accent.

I won't lie: this is a piece of shit.  I've struggled to find the interest to watch it over the last few days.  Troma films do that to me.

In spite of everything wrong with it, I can't ever stay mad at it.  I can't place why...

 This face pretty much sums up this movie in a nutshell.  I'll let you decide why.

 Although this face is pretty good too.  Take your pick, I guess.

To get a real feel for how this 'movie' works, I must insert this random shot of John Carradine.  After all, it is what Fred Olen Ray added.

Seriously, they will just randomly cut to Carradine saying things like 'The Lord giveth and the Lord taketh away' for about 30 seconds and abruptly cuts back to the story.

Sparing you a lot of time, I can tell you that the Robbers try to take over the Farmer's Moonshine operation, which leads to murder.  For some reason, they play this and a later attack scene in slow motion.

I can only guess that this was done to lengthen the run-time.  This was actually done as a Meta joke on Garth Merengi's Dark Place, so I hope that it's not the case!

This leads to a silly chase scene in the Forest- after one of the ladies is randomly run over by a truck- the Cast is whittled down to just the Farmer and his Wife.

They discover the jewels that were stolen and get rich...or they would if the Wife didn't shoot the guy.  This apparently pleases Carradine, since 'the bad were punished and the good rewarded.'  Yeah, murder is a positive trait.  The End.

It is Terrible, especially in this format.  Let it be said that the premise isn't bad.  What they do with it is.  The Characters are all awful.  The 'heroes' are annoying, the villains are idiotic and Carradine is...well, clearly somewhere else.  He is by far the best part of the movie- naturally.  It would be nice if he could have actually had inciteful things to say, rather than just being like his character in Red Zone Cuba.  As a side note, I wish he could have sung a song called 'Honey Britches.'  Mind you, I love Vincent Price's Cover of 'Somewhere Over the Rainbow' too.  I guess I shouldn't expect a whole lot from a film that couldn't sell on its own merits.  After all, I've already seen Carradine in this kind of thing twice- in Dr. Dracula and Horror of the Blood Monsters.  At least Carradine's part was only the FIRST thing added to the latter film.  Yes, I do have low standards.  The bottom line: this is a film that is not funny, scary or remotely-interesting.  If I'm going to have random John Carradine, I'll just stick with The White Buffalo.  On second thought...

Next up, I finally revisit a previous viewing and purchase.  Will this be a rare Remake that I like better than the Original?  Stay tuned...

Fred Oh-Lord Ray: Air Rage

I guess it's a step above Rage in a Cage.  Today's film is Air Rage, a lovely bit of DTV Action from Fred Olen Ray.  He sure makes a lot of this shit!  The film was a *steal* at $2.99.  Thanks, Action Clearance Section at Moviestop!  The film is an amazing exercise in just how much work you must do to be lazy.  Confused?  Essentially, the film's plot picks and chooses major or minor plot points from Action Films made in the years before this film's 2001 release year.  I'll highlight the aspects stolen here and there throughout the film.  Notable Cast Members include Ice-T as the Star and Gil Gerard as Random Mean General Guy.  It's pretty standard fare, but I'll try to get my (small amount of) money's worth for this review.  To find out how much you can 'be inspired by' at once, read on...

This Colonel is being sent to Jail for leading his Unit to blow up some bad guys after a mission gone awry.  This makes him...mad, I guess.

His men break him out.  That makes him happy.

That's the look of a man that just found out that Uncle Grandpa was cancelled.  Lucky bastard.

He sneaks on a commercial airline (this was still slightly-pre-9/11), he goes on a mission to get some General on the plane.  That makes him...pensive.  He's not good at emotions, you know.

The group take over the plane.  That makes this plot a weird mix of The Rock (with the former Soldiers gone rogue), Die Hard 2 (only with the bad guys controlling the actual plane itself) and Turbulence, with a dash of Turbulence 2.  More on that film later though.

Ice-T FINALLY shows up over half an hour into the film.  He's a Commando that's going to lead a rescue mission in mid-air.

Yeah, it's Executive Decision.  Unlike that film, he doesn't die in an over-dramatic fashion.

Summon the grainy Stock Footage of Military Planes!  This totally matches!

Ice-T's team is actually killed pretty quickly, proving that they would have failed out of the Epilogue of Modern Warfare 2 within seconds.

Don't worry- Ice-T survives, but apparently just kind of passed out from his non-fatal leg wound (which would be very fatal in real life).

As it turns out, the Colonel isn't out for revenge against the General (who convicted him).  He's after a Disc that he's carrying.  It contains...a list and description of every known undercover operative in the World!

Yeah, it's the NOC List from Mission: Impossible.  Sigh.

The villain is stopped and held at gunpoint by the General's Assistant.  However, he pulls an off-camera double-cross, which is right out of Turbulence 2.

With Ice-T wounded, the final fight with the bad guy is done by our heroine.  It's a blatant rip-off of Turbulence.  Oh and watch for the wires when the guy is sucked out of the plane.

Don't worry, Ice-T doesn't die from his several wounds in every non-vital area of his body.

The day is saved in part by an Airport Tech, who's played by the original Detective from Law & Order.  I never thought that I'd see a Dick Wolf crossover in a film like this.  The End.

Consider this a gag gift.  Air Rage is a dumb, silly movie.  If you're looking for subtext, there is none.  If you are looking for subtlety, there is none.  If you are looking for original ideas, well, you get the idea.  When we get a sub-plot about the Government being willing to do whatever is necessary to take the plane down, Gil Gerard literally points a gun at a man's head to make him comply.  That kind of sums up the movie in alot of ways.  The whole thing is silly Action fare.  It's a step or two above Andy Sidaris films though, mind you.  It is the kind of stuff that they used to show on TNT on Saturday Afternoons.  Hell, it probably was!  In the End, it's a goofy, run-of-the-mill film that is a good for a laugh or two, provided that you have no shame.  Case in point: Fred Olen Ray isn't even Credited as the Director!

Next up, let's ring in the Holidays with a killer Jew dressed as a Germanic Character.  That's right- Santa is coming to Slay you.  Stay tuned...

Impossibly-Cool and Lost in Translation Cover Art?: Super Shark

We've got a hat trick.  Killer Shark film, Impossibly-Cool Cover Art and Lost in Translation!  Let's do this...

Super Shark is a Fred Olen Ray film about, well, you figure it out.  What does Japan make of it?

That's just silly!  I mean, what kind of film could have anything as silly as...

***

Okay, so maybe it's not THAT far off.

Even so, there's no way the action is ever that awesome.  With that perspective, the Shark must be, what, 200 feet long!  Damn!

Fred Olen Ray J: Hatfields & McCoys- Bad Blood

If Fred Olen Ray can still make shitty movies in 2012, then I can be late.  Today's film is Hatfields & McCoys: Bad Blood.  If you're wondering why Ray made a film on this subject, there's a very simple reason: timing.  A pretty-successful mini-series event based on the famously-feuding families was made in the same year.  It was critically-lauded...which is not the same as today's film.  The TV film had Kevin Costner.  The Fred Olen Ray film had Christian Slater.  So yeah, there's a bit of a difference.  The big thing here- besides the smaller budget and stars- is that it plays fast and loose with history.  I haven't seen time this distorted since Time Crimes!  If you don't know about these famous families, you can learn here.  Mind you, you'll only learn part of the story and with some serious issues of time placement, but whatever.  To see *kind of* how this all got started, read on...

Are you ready for the smallest military battle since Time Chasers?  Enjoy.

Remember that whole thing about 'Show, don't Tell' I mentioned in an earlier review?  Well, Ray still hasn't learned that.  Joy.

"I'm in WHAT movie?  Well, as long as I barely appear in the film and clearly shot all of my scenes in 1 Day.  Great."

Oh and thanks to the confusing time issues in the film- basically, the feud takes place over two months and not 12 years- I'm not clear which Governor that Slater is supposed to be playing.  This is my closest guess...

So yeah, bye Historical Accuracy.

The real star here- since he actually appears in scenes with most of the cast- is Jeff Fahey as the head of the McCoys.  He's...actually pretty good here.

It's a shame that someone other than Fred Olen Ray isn't behind this film.

 Aside from the murder, there's a romance sub-plot between a Hatfield and a McCoy.  This replaces the 'Who owns this pig' debacle that really happened.

I get the idea of cutting that plot- since it does sound silly-, but it did, you know, happen!

The McCoys have a clear advantage in this battle, as they appear to have Dracula on their side.  Oh and Dylan Vox- who does both gay porn (not that there's necessarily anything wrong with that) and appears in Asylum films (not that there's...okay, you get the joke)- is here too.

On the plus side, he's not a time-traveling robot this time.

The gloves come off in this family-vs-family feud as CG blood is spilled.  Seriously, I hate you, CG blood!

Instead of SPOILING everything, I'll give you the lazy wrap-up that the real film gives you.  The End.

Well, by contrast, this is a decent film.  Let it be said that Ray makes films that aren't always horrible.  This film is...decent.  It's not really good.  It's not really bad.  The best thing I can say is that Hatfields & McCoys: Bad Blood is a decent film that does nothing special.  Hurray for mediocrity!  That said, I liked Fahey in this film.  He's not a bad Actor- even if he appears in stuff like this or Darkman 3.  He's the best part of the movie.  I am the master of very-minor compliments!  In all seriousness, this is a decent film.  While I haven't seen the mini-series, I'm pretty sure that's it's better, at least qualitatively.  For making an okay film, I salute you, Fred Olen Ray.  I say that in spite of this amazingly-silly bit of dialogue...

Next up, Project Terrible begins (for me)!  First up, Found Footage that is absolutely, positively NOT Korean.  Stay tuned...

Fred Olen Ray J: Evil Spawn (1987)

It's actually more interesting to know how the film got made than to actually talk about the film!  Today's movie is Evil Spawn, a 1987 'gem' from Ray.  It's the tale of an aging actress who tries some desperate measures to keep looking young.  If this sounds like something you've seen before, then you remember Corman's The Wasp Woman.  It was made in the '50s and later remade in the '90s for Showtime.  This movie comes between the two and is blatantly-obvious.  So yeah, the story is not much to speak of.  However, the story BEHIND the story kind of is.  To find out what that is, read on...

Always a good start to see that name in the credits.  Can this be as good as Frankenstein Island or The Wizard of Mars?  More on his role later...

There's an expression in Cinema known as 'Show, Don't Tell.'  Fred Olen Ray has apparently never heard of that before.

Stock Footage of a Space Ship.  I never get tired of seeing that in a Fred Olen Ray movie!  More Planet of the Dinosaurs footage?

I hope you were looking for a less-interesting version of the creature from Forbidden World.  You weren't?  Well, tough shit!

On the plus side, this thing barely appears in the movie.

In a random, tedious scene, two people goo looking for a cat.  They find it and one of them gets killed by a just-mutated scientist.  What does that add?  Absolutely nothing.  Now here's the funny part...

Carradine appears as a Scientist who was working on...something.  Him and his Assistant (aka Ray's wife at the time) talk about their work.  They do this very vaguely because...

This scene was shot to fit into any future film.  It shows up here and in some film called The Alien Within (future review?).  As it turns out, this is the ONLY footage here Directed by Ray...all three minutes of it.

Oh and the story...or whatever.  This Actress takes the vague drug to stay young.

It makes her into a monster.  Trust me- this is about as good as it gets.

Seriously, the rubber suit is cheap as hell.

She kills random people- mostly people who were 'in her way.'  She dies in a very anti-climactic fashion.  The End.

That was certainly a movie.  Really- what do you expect me to say?  The title makes the movie sound cool.  The movie is not.  It's a dumb, slow-paced B-movie.  Apparently Ray deemed that there wasn't enough of those in the World 25 years ago, so he made this movie.  Well, to be fair, he only made the stock insert scene with his then-wife and Carradine.  He's not responsible for the rest of this movie.  Actually, that's only partly-true, since he's the Producer here.  He almost Produced The Alien Within too, making it a double-dose of inadvertent Ray crap.  So, in summary, the movie sucks.  Here's a funny P.O.V. shot clearly made up of a glass bottles...

Next up, Ray gives us a movie about a famous family feud.  If Richard Dawson was here in place of Christian Slater, we'd have a movie!  Stay tuned...