Poor Bastards of Cinema: Light Blast (1985) {Part 2}

 Another dose of people in the wrong place and the wrong time from this Italian '80s Film.

The villain uses the titular Light Blast at a Stock Car Show.

Everyone loves those, right?

He blasts the giant LCD Clock that all of these things have and the people melt inside.

They aren't really the Poor Bastards, but I did want to show off more melting people.

This melting- and the subsequent explosion- scares the crowd away.

They run for their lives and... jump off of the platform to the concrete?!?

Darwin Awards Nominees here.

The dozen or so folks trample each other and fall to their deaths.

Fun.

As one final insult, the TV News SHOWS THE DEAD BODIES ON THE AIR.

Yikes.

This is about 2 years before R. Budd Dwyer's infamous Press Conference, so I guess they hadn't learned that lesson yet.

The moral- don't go to Stock Car Shows.  All 12 of you need to stop it!

Next up, a far less consequential death in the grand scheme of things.  In other words, it is perfect for this segment.  See you then....

Poor Bastards of Cinema: Light Blast (1985)

 A Film so chock full of PBoCs that we get one in the Intro!

In Light Blast, a Scientist has created a laser gun, which he uses to hold a city ransom.

Well, before that happens, this couple meets at an empty Train Station in the late night/early morning.

What else are you going to do in an empty Train Yard?

After all, there's nobody there to give you the Guided Tour until it opens!

The man decides to test out his Light Blaster by shooting the big LCD Clock that all Train Yards have.
It's an '80s thing...I think.

To be clear, he has NO idea that anyone is there.

The after glow turns into a red-hot glow as things heat up for the pair.

For some reason, she melts first.

I guess it is so we can get this glorious reaction face.

I hope that this is his Profile Pic on IMDB.

All things being equal, he melts next.

It is the best (or worst) Peter Gabriel Video of all time!

We see the rest of the Train Yard metal melt around the now gooey couple as the man drives off.

As a reminder, this is NEVER BROUGHT UP in the Film.

The lesson: if you have sex, you'll melt.  That's just Science (applicable only in Florida, Alabama and Mississippi).

Next up, more wrong place, wrong time 'fun' from Light Blast.  Don't get too comfortable in those Bleachers.

International '80s Trash: Light Blast (1985)

 An Italian Film set in America- these always feel authentic.  Enzo G. Castellari is back with a Cop Film with a gory twist.

A mad man is threatening San Francisco with a curious and deadly weapon.  His plan- get money.  You could just sell the thing to- off the top of my head- China, Iran, Iraq or North Korea.

Can a Cop- who's not a CHiP anymore- save the day?  I don't want to SPOIL the reason that this Film is known just yet.

To get blasted by that light, read on...

A Scientist tests out his LASER DEATH RAY on a Train Station.

There's more to this Scene in the next Poor Bastards of Cinema.

This oddly gets almost no attention in the Film.  Weird, right?!?

A Cop- Erik Estrada- breaks up a Hostage Situation in the most logical way...

1) Strip down to Speedo

2) Hide gun in a turkey

3) Kill bad guys

I have no notes!

The Scientist announces that he will make an attack- again, they somehow missed the melted trains- and does it at a Stunt Car Show.

He blows up (and also melts) the Press Box.

More Poor Bastards of Cinema fodder.

He manages to escape- by precise shooting- and now Estrada must work the case.

A Lead is killed (too Plot-related to be a Poor Bastard) and he tracks a possible bad guy to a Funeral Parlor.

He gets in a fight with somebody who, I think, is a bad guy.

It's oddly unclear.

The bad guy eventually tracks down our Hero- after another attempt to catch him fails miserably- and, in the process, the goons kill his girlfriend.
He didn't have a black best friend, so she was doomed for sure!

On the plus side, the duo married IRL...for 4 years.

He finally tracks down the bad guy, leading to a shootout with some goons.

Hey, remember when this was about a laser weapon?!?

Also, in case this is your first movie ever, him parking right next to that machine does pay off later.

Specifically, it pays off with him nearly killing another Stunt Man.

Nobody died, but allegedly eight were injured- mostly in the Rome portion of the shoot.

He chases the bad guy down after taking...a dune buggy or some kind (I think).

They have a San Francisco Car Chase which leads them back to the boat where the bad guy was hiding.

Our Hero accidentally stops the villain by, get this, simply landing the car on the boat.
No, really.

It somehow shakes the base holding the laser and it moves across the room until the beam hits the guy's...LCD watch and melts him...but doesn't blow up the boat or the room.

Our Hero kills the henchman, sees the body and...oh, no resolution.  Just cut to Credits.

A pretty dumb, but enjoyable Film.  That said, the high points are sadly sparser than you'd hope for.

The ridiculous and graphic melting people effects- which I'll highlight in the Poor Bastards segments- are the highlight of the Film.  They're dumb.  They're crazy.
I love them.

That said, there's only like 3 of them in the Film.  Aw.

The rest of the Film is notable for the crazy stunts- again, 8 people got injured-, explosions, shoot-outs and the like.  So the rest of the Film around the melting people isn't dull- it's simply not as interesting.

Estrada is alright here, but nothing special.  The villain can be fun, although he sounds like he's dubbed.

Again- if you're watching Light Blast, you're here for the light blasting.  It just needed more.

Hey Hollywood- Remake this one with, like, 400% more light blasting.  That way you won't need THREE DIFFERENT Explosives Experts for all of the, you know, explosions.

Next up, let's move back to the '90s for an underappreciated attempt at a Superhero Film Franchise.  Who knows what evil lurks in the heart of my DVD?!?  Stay tuned...

Silly and Lazy Cover Art: Deep Blood (1989)

 Deep Blood was pretty forgettable.

I remember that it was about a Shark.
Beyond that, I'm drawing a blank.

Help me out, silly Cover...

A woman's face.
Nature footage of a Shark.

Yep, it's honest.

All we need is a sign that says '10 minutes of boring Diving' slapped on the middle and we get the Film.

Deep indeed.

Tubi Thursday: Deep Blood (1989)

 After another week, I take another dive into my Random Queue to see what to watch next.

This digital Grab Bag has given me a trashy 1989 Italian Shark Film called...

This Film comes to us from a one-time Director and Joe D'Amato.  The former *allegedly* only did the Intro, didn't like the process and handed things over to Joe.

The Scene he did shoot has 4 kids being told a legend about an evil spirit from an 'Indian,' burying some artifact until years later.

It's like Stand By Me, but silly.

In the present (of 1989), all of our Heroes are back together.

A few of them have their own backstory, but do you care?

Nah.

The Shark starts killing people, spilling Kool-Aid into this, um, beautiful water.

It gets personal when one of the boys is killed by the shark, leaving another one of them behind as a witness.

Said Shark has a black fin, which is a key way to spot it.

If you're wondering why the Shark is killing people, there's not a good answer.

It's some yadda yadda about the Shark being a curse on the people.
Why it is still around- who knows?

As the killings keep happening, will the Mayor deny it?

Of course!

Seriously, what would these Films do without Jaws?

They also find a Shark that they say is the killer and take it out.

It's a shame that people can't come up with original idea after like 9 of these, no?

The finale is a bit prolonged since they only had Stock Footage and one animatronic shark head.

As such, we get about 10 minutes of diving, an explosion...and a reused effect from Great White.

Hey look- another Jaws rip-off inside of a Jaws rip-off.  Jaws-ception!  The End.

A pretty underwhelming Film all around.  Deep Blood doesn't really do too much wrong.  The Plot is nothing special, but it is inoffensive.  

Mind you, it is basically a slight tweak of Jaws.  Had I mentioned that yet?  

The thing is that it promises something that you don't really get.  The whole mystical angle of the Plot is basically non-existent.  Does it matter that the Shark is apparently magical?  No.  It's a regular Shark.  There's zero pay-off to the hook.  

Speaking of which, all of the Shark footage is pretty underwhelming.  You get reused Stock Footage of a Shark being in the water and people flailing around in a red, foamy bit of water.  D'Amato tried to make that look good...but didn't succeed.  So, if you don't have a cool, magic Shark and you don't have cool Shark footage, what do you have?  Family drama.  Tired cliché Cops.  Generic Politician guy.  Yawn.  

As far as Italian Shark Films go, this one just doesn't have any big hook in the form of silly moments.  It's not terrible, but I'm pretty sure I won't remember it by the time I do one of these next week.  

At least I don't think it is as bad as whoever was in charge of marketing this DVD though...

Next time, I dive deep into stuff I added to my Queue at some point in the last year.  Even I don't remember half of it, so enjoy the mystery.

Poor Bastards of Cinema: Houseboat Horror (Again)

 Houseboat Horror is basically a Slasher Film Demo Reel.

It barely has a Plot.
It has lots of pointless killing.

Arguably, the second most pointless comes with this guy- a Park Ranger.

He sees our Heroes off on their titular Houseboat, but stays behind to watch the Lake.

Our Killer- who, to remind you, is killing people that Film stuff since he was injured on a Film Shoot by this Lake- shows up...

…and kills him.

This also begins his streak of using a weapon once, leaving it in a body and then picking up a new murder weapon.

So, in summary, the Killer breaks his own motivation (or at least stretches the logic of it) to kill this random guy.  Joy.

The moral: if you choose to work in Local Government, get a desk job.

Next up, a famous Actor is a Poor Bastard?  He is when his role is that unimportant overall.  See you then...

Poor Bastards of Cinema: Houseboat Horror

 Australia has given us many good things.

Also Paul Hogan.

In Houseboat Horror, we get a random lady getting dropped off by our Heroes to see her boyfriend.

Hmmm...his daytime camping by himself is suspicious.

The guy at the Camp (who I don't recall is even named) is dead and the killer targets her!

He wounds her and 'plays with his food' a bit...

...before he kills her, leaving her at the camp with her dead boyfriend.

As a reminder, the killer hates Film Productions since he was 'burned' by one during a Shoot.
So why is he killing these people?

No reason.
At all.

The lesson: no camping.  It's good for FPSs and life in general.

Next up, a slightly-less random kill from the same Film.  It's just as callous though.  See you then...

Import Flix: Houseboat Horror (1989)

 A place where water flows backwards in toilets is maybe not the best place for Cinema.  This is Houseboat Horror, a 1989 Slasher Film that checks all of the cliché boxes.  I'll get into them later- don't worry.  This was a random, blind buy from the same Thrift Store as G-Men From Hell.  I wonder if it is worth going back to that place to find something new?  The Film has a ringing, but confusing, endorsement from Quentin Tarantino.  Everyone references this- since it is on the DVD Box- but I can't find the actual, full quote anywhere.  I wonder if he changed his mind?  Is there a second Film called Houseboat Horror that I'm not aware of?  The Plot is, well, really dumb and generic.  Even factoring that this Film was made in 1989, it is so stock that it should say 'Alamy' all over it.  Internet Zing!  It was apparently a bit of a mess to make too, as the original Director (and the credited one) was fired after 3 days  It also turns out that most of them weren't paid.  The Producer gives the excuse of them 'turning down pay for money on the back end.'  The Film was Direct-to-Video and didn't make a profit.  At least that is an honest appraisal, as opposed to the makers of Forrest Gump denying the Author of the Book his back-end profit saying that the Film (which grossed around $600 million) was 'still in the red.'  To be fair, the comparison here is more to Manos: The Hands of Fate- for all of the right and wrong reasons.  This is often called 'the worst Australian Film ever made.'  Does Young Einstein count?  To find out if this is warranted or not, read on...

A random couple is killed.  Well, actually, a random guy is killed, a woman sees it and then she is killed.

We have to draw out this Opening Kill Cliché to get this Film to 90 minutes (or is it less in metric?)

After more filler (basically just going 'Here is everyone.  I hope you remember all 42 Characters!'), we get the main Plot.

A Band needs to shoot a Music Video and the best place...is on a random lake in the middle of nowhere.

Too bad the infamous 'Sweet Child O' Mine' Video had a Budget bigger than this whole actual Film.

A crazed killer is lurking around and he makes sure to kill the Park Ranger first.  This makes no sense when you learn his motivation, but shut up.

While we get the above video and more random, boring character moments, he cuts their radio.

All they have left is 'this walk about phone.'  That's so Australian!

The killer is nice enough to hang out at his lair (which I guess is near the Lake) with some exposition newspaper about what happened to him.

Would you keep that around if you were burned?  Really?

As the body count rises, we learn that the killer also has a lady friend that watches over him.

You know she's crazy due to her make-up.

The final battle happens on the titular Houseboat as the Cast is whittled down to just a few assholes from like 20.

You had to know that the make-up job would be a bit disappointing here, didn't you?

He's not a Jason rip-off since he's afraid of fire, not water.  

Just pretend that The Burning didn't come out 8 years earlier though.

They take out the killer with flames and he falls into the lake.

To complete the full rip-off, our Heroine sees her friend (and Final Boy!) as burned up...but it was just a dream.

Sigh.

…and, of course, the killer pops up for a Sequel.

There is no Sequel.
The End.

I don't know if it is the 'worst Australian Film ever made,' but I can at least see why it got the reputation.  Just like with Plan 9 From Outer Space, it is easy to say that something is 'the worst' and stick with it.  Is it good?  Hell no.  The Plot is cliché.  Even factoring in when this was made, you get all of the lazy stuff.  The only one missing- the 'it's just a cat' jump scare.  As a trade-off, you get the 'person dramatically opens the shower curtain on their friend' (that hopefully nobody does in real life) bit to give us some nudity.  Given how dull this is, I guess a 'thank you' is in order.  The killer dresses like Jason.  The killer has a messed up face like Jason.  The killer has a mommy-style character like Jason.  The one thing he can't do is keep a weapon, as he constantly leaves it embedded in his victims.  If this was a gimmick or something, maybe it might work.  I think the idea was to mix up the kills and show off what they could do.  They can't do much, so...bad call.  His motivations are pretty lax and he never talks, so I guess you just have to accept it at face value- pun intended.  Almost none of the Characters are fleshed out or likeable, so there's no joy on the other side either.  The Music by Brian Mannix is kind of catchy, so half a star there.  Houseboat Horror was a Film that offered nothing new, save for it being in Australia.  Even with the benefit of time and nostalgia, it offers little.  On the plus side, one of its Stars went on to be in Captain America: The Winter Soldier...

Next time, I uncovered a forgotten TV Movie and now I can actually see it!  See the Sequel that you didn't know existed or know that you needed.  Stay tuned...