Wednesday, August 31, 2011

Instant Asylum: The Beast of Bray Road

Well, it's not a rip-off (at least directly)!  This *original* film by The Asylum is supposedly based on some real events that I'm sure didn't happen.  So, you took a break from ripping off stuff like Transformers and I Am Legend to just steal from real life?  That's...better?  According to Wikipedia, this is a fairly-popular Urban Legend from the '80s and '90s.  Great, so we're neck-deep in Boggy Creek II territory!  From what I can tell, the film borrows somewhat loosely from the myths and just decides to make some shit up.  They also explain everything, which kind of goes against the point of making a film about an Urban Legend.  Of course, there are numerous films where Jack the Ripper is identified and caught, so I guess history is cinema's bitch!  Sarah Lieving is here again, which I'm sure will help this film.  I should also mention that this film shares a connection with a few other films by The Asylum that I've covered in the past.  More on that later.  Read on as we attempt to burn...
In the Pre-Credits scene, a woman ditches her drunken boyfriend to go home alone.  After a convenient car failure, she is killed by the beast.  Only her head appears in the film after this...
Our lead is Jeff Denton, playing the Sheriff who is new in town.  Incidentally, Denton is also the lead in 2005's King of the Lost World (as its 'Jack'), The 9/11 Commission Report and Dracula's Curse.  I mention that for reasons that will be clear later...
Andrew Lauer (who was in Legion of the Dead and Lost World) is also here for a small part as a redneck.  Why is he here?
As I mentioned, Sarah is here, this time playing a Bar Owner who is 'sassy.'  Wait- she was in Lost World, Dracula's Curse and The 9/11 Commission Report too.  Hmm...
In an odd bit, Lauer's abusive spouse is killed off by the monster, which doesn't kill the wife.  She never reports him missing and the scene is never mentioned again.  As a side note, Lauer has now been killed in Asylum films by a giant spider, a mummy and now a werewolf.
A Cryptozoologist (Thomas Downey) shows up in town to investigate the creature, which upsets the Sheriff.  Hold on- he was also in Dracula's Curse and Lost World too.  Plus, he was in War of the Worlds with Lauer and Lieving (in cameos).  How cheap is this studio?
Oh right- the plot.  The monster wanders around, looks silly and spends too much time on-screen.  It's a giant fur coat, people!
In the climax, we learn that Lieving was the monster all along.  She tries- successfully- to convince a Deputy that the Sheriff is the monster, despite the blood all over her lips and the giant bite wound on the Sheriff's neck.  Your cops suck!
It all concludes with a battle between man and she-bitch...I mean, beast.  She burns up, but this sets up a sequel...that will never be.  The End.
Woof woof.  The plot of this movie is silly, shallow and repetitive.  Basically, the monster kills random people- be they whores or rednecks- while our heroes just kind of wander around.  There's a whole sub-plot where a bunch of people in town- including the Deputies!- try to exploit the monster's appearance for profit.  Does it go anywhere?  Nope.  When your movie barely reaches 70 minutes, you've got to fill in the gaps somehow!  The whole thing is just so repetitive and tries to compensate with gore.  There's nudity too, although not much to speak of.  To be honest with you, the film has so little to talk about that I was more interested in pointing out how The Asylum clearly shot several films back-to-back instead.  When a tangent gets more attention than the plot, what does that say?  All in all, I can say that I've seen Sarah Lieving killed on-screen twice now.  I've waited a long time since Monster's cop-out to say that!
Up next, September begins with a pair of Mexican Dracula.  Viva la vampiros!  Stay tuned...

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