Saturday, August 27, 2011

Strange Killers (In Pictures): Blown

Should I really be surprised by the results here?  When I discovered a movie about a killer blow-up doll, I was not expecting anything good.  Even if a great Director like John Huston was involved, this would be massively-terrible.  However, this one is not just terrible in the way that you might think.  Instead of just being stupid, it's also a 'comedy.'  Yeah, it's one of those movies.  Much like stuff along the lines of Skeleton Key 2, this movie thinks that it's funny and is convinced that you will agree.  I don't.  I was expecting something stupid, but I got something that was stupid and unfunny- not a good combination.  Not one to waste my pain, I still decided to review this film...if for no other reason than to warn you.  If you like bad jokes, a plot that keeps stopping to 'take a piss' and just general awfulness, this if your movie.  In fact, it only does one thing useful...but more on that later.  To see just what 'fail' looks like, read on as I prepare to have my mind...
Did I mention that this plot is random?  Well, one of the first shots is of a zombie head that talks while spilling 'vomit' out of its mouth.  What does that have to do with anything?  Nothing, really.
Essentially, our leads prepare for a Bachelor Party and, inadvertently, piss off a voodoo queen...who live next door.  As dumb as this plot is, they also stop to make fun of their own actors...about five times.
The framing device here is that we are watching the movie on 'Mastercrap Theater,' a fact that the host hates.  That might be funny- a la The Bad Movie Police- but the 'host' is clearly one of them and not much better.  Fail!
The movie is full of moving images that you cannot 'un-see.'  While not as jarring in still-frame, this is one of them.  Ew.
As if to make us further want to watch something else, one 'gag' involves the host switching the video to Night of the Living Dead.  Unless you're playing it with Rifftrax, it's nothing I can't get on 8,000,000 different DVD releases.
This is the face of evil- the rubber, non-moving face of evil.  They didn't make a doll/mannequin/CG creature that looks like a blow-up doll.  No, they used a real one and covered it in Kero Syrup.  On the plus side, the movie is only 50 minutes long, leaving time for...
A 25-minute video lecture on how to sell your stuff on EBay and make a profit.  No, really.  I kept thinking that this was some sort of gag, but it's not.  WHY IS THIS HERE?!?
End your 'movie' with mocking the cast one more time.  It's not like they worked hard here or anything.  The End.
This blows!  Obvious puns aside, the plot here sucks!  Quite frankly, even if it was any good, they could barely focus on it for more than five minutes.  Between the plot, the cutting to the Host segments and randomly-cutting to other movies like Night of the Living Dead, the thing had no momentum.  They were barely even trying, so why should I?  This movie sucks and I don't want to waste any more time on it.  This face sums up my feelings about the movie in all the wrong ways...
Next up, we actually take a step up in quality to the Asylum (won't ever hear that again!).  Come see a film about guns, action and invading the same building three times.  Stay tuned...

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