An ice woman from the Amazon- why not?!? Today's film is Ice Queen, a film about exactly that. This is certainly a silly premise, but does it make for a silly movie? Yeah, it pretty much does. The story involves the titular woman being transported to a Research Lab, but breaking free mid-journey and killing some people at a sky resort. The film has everything you have come to expect from cheesy schlock. It has stock characters, a ridiculous premise and a drunk guy with a dog. All it needs now is some random, pointless nudity. It has that too? Super! If you like stock footage of snow, bad acting and a villain who looks a little like Sigourney Weaver from that 'realistic' Snow White film, this is your film. If you want to just laugh at what is to come, that's fine too. Prepare to face the violent (and horny) wrath of the...
The film begins with a bunch of people transporting something important through a field. A small group of armed men (small being the key) shoot up the place and kidnap the thing. What are they transporting? A naked lady, of course. I mention that she's naked since the movie teases bits of skin during the Title Sequence, but doesn't show anything major. No, the pointless nudity comes later. A scientist with a widow's peak takes her on a plane to his research lab. Meanwhile, we meet our main heroes as they go drink at a bar, celebrating the last day of the skiing season. A film set in a Ski Resort after the tourists leave- sure sign of a low-budget film! Despite being in a relationship, our hero gets himself pushed into the arms of a slutty girl at the bar. They go home together and have sex in a hot tub, giving us the film's pointless nudity. The only thing that has looked expensive so far are the woman's fake tits, by the way. The guy goes to his job the next day- which involves him and his friends breaking up packs of snow...with a grenade launcher. Is that really how you do it? How do you get permits for that? By the way, that grenade launcher would probably help when the monster shows up, so, naturally, it's never seen again. Oh yeah, the monster escapes, causing the plane to crash.
The plane's crash causes an avalanche of stock footage to hit the resort. According to IMDB, it's from 1999's Avalanche, which seems pretty on-the-nose. Our heroes are trapped in the resort and they include: lead guy, girlfriend, slutty party girl, black friend, white friend, scientist and 'the bitch.' I hope you're emotionally-invested in these characters as a good majority of them die at random intervals. The creature is on the loose, taking out white friend pretty quickly. No, I'll miss you after your two scenes that added nothing! To keep the film going without actually showing the monster too much, we get drama as the girlfriend finds out about the slutty party girl's fling with the boyfriend. It's a constant plot-point to keep the angst going, but serves no other purpose. I should also mention that slutty party girl explains that nothing happened between them, despite the 'sex montage' we saw earlier. Either she's lying or the movie was by showing that scene. We get a romantic tease between black friend and slutty party girl...before he's killed seconds later by the monster. Thanks for kicking this movie in the ass, Ice Queen.
The remaining characters pretty much get one or two scenes to expand/stagnate their characters. 'The Bitch' confronts the Queen, leading to an oddly-not-erotic catfight. She dies, however, when the scientist goes completely crazy and starts cackling like Lon Chaney. The Queen herself gets the hots for our lead actor when she sees him not wearing his coat, leading to his core temperature being lower. No, really. This creatures sees in UV and can clearly see detail, but the former supersedes the latter. I forget to mention the drunk with his dog, didn't I? They spend all of their scenes walking around away from the main plot and generally doing nothing until The End. Our heroes make a run for the exit, but slutty party girl dies. No, you had so much anonymous sex to have! With the monster still in pursuit, our hero comes up with a silly plan: strip down to his boxers and lure the creature into a hot tub. Since her body is made out of light ice and her libido is like that of a stray cat, this works, causing her to be melted into Ice Queen bisque. Mmm...extinct. In the aftermath, the two leads get engaged and the scientist takes a sample...mere seconds after they leave. You guys can hear him, can't you? The End.
Allow me to break the Ice! The plot of this movie is stupid and, to be honest, is two plots. The dramatic part with the guy, his friends, slutty party girl (yes, she does have a name) and his girlfriend is completely separate from the plot involving an Ice Age lady who has claws and eats people. Could we have one without the other? Couldn't we just have had the creature escape and had commandos/mercenaries/anyone else go hunting it? The mix of melodrama and monster movie does not work here. Characters are marked by their lack of personality or their one character trait. 'The Bitch' is that way because she enforces the rules and is mad at our hero for insulting her once off-screen. Aside from that, the movie is just so full of strange things. You have the villain knocked out by a hand dryer being turned on (with the power lines being down, by the way). You have the contrived catfight scene. You have 'The Bitch' being mean to our hero, but yet still allowing him to run around with a grenade launcher! There is some fun to be had here (and I got a Poor Bastard of Cinema out of it), so it's not worthless. It is, however, not exactly going to get my highest recommendation. Take us away, pointless nudity...
Next up, it's a film about a tree that eats people. That's all I need to say, quite frankly. Stay tuned...
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