Saturday, August 13, 2011

Newer Crap: iMurders

Have you ever made a film (or several) that you regretted?  In the case of Kenneth Del Vecchio, the answer is 'yes.'  Kenneth is getting a lot of play in the Political Conservative Movement with a film called The Life Zone.  Essentially, a bunch of women are kidnapped and forced to carry their babies to term rather than have Abortions.  It's about as subtle as a brick to the head!  Rather than getting into a debate over Pro-Choice or Pro-Life, I decided to review one of Del Vecchio's other films (as a Writer/Producer).  It was either this or Kinky Killers.  Did I choose well?  Well, playing Rock Paper Scissors to determine the order of which you are executed, there is no winner.  iMurders is a stupid, stupid movie with a bunch of people that should be able to do better.  The cast includes Gabrielle Anwar (Does USA not pay you enough?!?), Tony Todd, John Forsythe and Billy Dee  'Colt 45' Williams.  I feel sad for most of you...but not Todd.  No offense, because you were awesome in the Candyman films.  However, you were also in Brian Loves You and Hatchet II, so you've pretty much used up that credibility.  Do you want to know how much this film sucks?  Shave that Leopard as we investigate the...
A bunch of random people meet in a chat room every week (or day, depending on which part of the movie it is).  The group is led by a blatant gay stereotype.  Joy.
The film is chock full of characters...and their back-story...and their filler.  If you like 8 different movies sewn together like a dubious Andy Warhol film, you'll love this film!  For shame, For-sythe.
The movie is also dragged out...I mean, enhanced, by a bunch of scenes of a woman getting therapy from Charles Durning (Dark Night of the Scarecrow).  While this is filler, it does involve an actress from The Eden Formula, so I can laugh at that film some more.
The gay stereotype is killed on his Webcam, but the group thinks that he faked it.  You people suck!
The climax of Anwar's character is her flashing her burn wound.  It's...really not a good pay-off.  She just kind of coasts through her remaining scenes and doesn't actually get killed.  It pays to be a (sort of) star, I guess.
One of the people in the chat room is a phone sex operator.  The pay-off to her role: revealing that she's a fat lady.

In spite of her having a sick kid, the movie has her die viciously and then parades her corpse out.  I need a palette cleanser.  How about...
A pointless lesbian scene.  This just happens about thirty minutes in and the film moves on.  By the way, note how one actress signed a release to be nude and the other didn't...
Despite being billed as a lead, Tony Todd barely appears here during the Third Act.  On the plus side, Tony Todd...yadda yadda same joke.  Moving on...
I won't SPOIL the ending of this movie, but I will give you this laughable final shot.  In fact, I'll join in with you.  The End.
i Don't care.  The plot of this movie is just stupid and plodding.  Again- it doesn't really have one plot.  Instead, it is a collection of random characters' plots wrapped around the main one.  Forsythe is having an affair, Anwar has a scar and that one lady is fat.  In between those scenes, we get the Therapy bits, the scenes with Billy Dee and the romance sub-plot so important that I didn't include it in my summary.  Does all of this add up to anything?  No, not really.  There's no real tension, no real character moments to speak of and not even much blood to compensate.  All things considered, I can only assume that they spent their make-up budget on Anwar's scar (especially since it only appears once)!  Is this a good movie?  God No!  Is it the worst movie ever made?  God No.  It sure is forgettable, but I can say this: this movie is on Streaming, so at least I didn't waste a few days of turn-around time on the Disc.  I'll leave you with this scene of Anwar putting on her sunglasses to leave an night!
Next up, a week full of Rare Flix.  First up, a sequel to an anti-feminist film written by a feminist- now with more confusion and rock.  Stay tuned...

1 comment:

  1. Robbie Bryan actually wrote to me on Twitter and apologised that I didn't enjoy his movie. That put him up quite a few notches in my book but didn't make "iMurders" any less of a turd.