Wednesday, December 15, 2010

Instant Rare Flix Trash: Predator- The Quietus

Have I discovered a lost film?  Is this movie a miraculous film that has been unearthed from a vault.  Yeah, that's a 'no.'  Made in 1988, this film was initially known as Moonstalker.  As The Falling taught us though, there is money to be made from sounding like another film.  In fairness, Predator is kind of a generic name that could be attached to anything, be it an animal, a serial killer or a robot.  However, this film was released in 1988, a year after Predator, so I won't pretend that it's a coincidence.  So what is this movie about?  Well, a beast in loose in the woods of Ireland.  Naturally, this leads to an American reporter being sent out with a hunter to investigate.  No cops, huh?  Let's just jump right into this, shall we?  Get out your useless knife for my review of...
The film begins with a couple leaving their car to go make-out in the woods by a tree.  Why?  Because the girl believes some legend about the tree being good luck or something.  I don't know- I don't write this shit.  They get killed by an unseen monster, leading to the title.  The movie then proceeds to spend somewhere between 3 and 5 minutes of B-Roll of New York City.  They show everything, even the 'you know what' (since this was made in 1988).  They also show some drug dealers (clearly UK actors) making a deal.  After that, we cut to an office where a woman is told that she's being sent to Ireland to cover the story.  Yeah, this is the last you see of NYC.  That makes the four minutes or so of B-Roll- entirely pointless!  In Ireland, she meets up with the hunter who will lead the trip.  Basically, he's the UK version of Tim Thomerson.  They don't get along, so this is nice and awkward.  We get one scene of the boss- who went with her for some reason- and her meeting up with the guy in the mid-afternoon.  The only thing to note: they're both drinking.  Cut back, guys!  They also thrown in a song from a woman in the bar, but you can just fast-forward past it like I did.  Immediately following this scene, the boss explains that he has to go back home because he 'got an important call.'  No, really.  Off to the woods then...
If you thought that this movie was slow and pointless before, you haven't seen anything yet!  They talk to people in town, go to a bar and just generally don't get along.  The action is thrilling- mind-numbingly thrilling.  We also get a pair of sub-plots to pad out the run-time.  First, there's a weird guy walking around the woods and narrating to himself.  Eventually, he stumbles across a couple having sex in the woods...and they leave.  Thanks for the fake-out, movie.  In the other sub-plot, a pair of 'wacky' guys look for the monster in the woods after hearing about the reward.  As if to trick me, the movie throws in a fight scene.  Basically, the woman runs into a gang of ruffians who decide at random to rape her.  Thankfully, the hunter shows up to give them the old 'hi-f@#%ing ya!'  With that out of the way, more talking and shots of the woods.  Our heroes meet up with the crazy man in the woods, at least bringing some validity to this plot.  He explains that he knows about the monster and that it doesn't match any creature he knows.  Him and the hunter go out looking for the monster, since the guy said that the girl would be safe in his house.  Yeah, the monster attacks the house (not that you can see much) moments later.
Ready for the ultimate disappointment?  The monster takes his sweet time showing up on-screen.  After over seventy minutes, the thing can finally be seen (albeit still bathed in shadows).  If you made it this far, you waited to see this...
This movie sucks!  After twenty years or so in mothballs, it was not worth it.  The plot is so stock that it appears to be a Mad Lib job.  A _____ goes to the _____ with a _____ to find a ______.  The pacing and lack of budget are what kills this movie.  Nothing happens for most of the movie and, when it finally does, it's nothing much to speak of.  Like Psycho Santa, the movie is shot in realistic darkness.  Of course, that movie appears to be done that way because they apparently couldn't afford lighting and/or didn't have a license to shoot on the streets of NYC.  This film just does it to be cheap- nothing more.  You don't want to show gore and/or your monster- don't light the scene very well.  You should just be up front like the guys behind Rawhead Rex and not hide the fact that your monster appears to the prototype for the kangaroo men from Tank Girl.  The best comparison for this movie is (oddly enough) Silent Rage.  That film has a premise that's basically 'Chuck Norris vs. Jason Vorhees.'  That movie is boring as hell, so they work in a random fight scene between Norris and some bikers.  It has no impact on the plot, but it at least keeps you awake.  That movie is still widely-available though, so take that for what you will.  Stick to the original Predator or it's sequels.  At least you get this guy...
I wish.
Up next, we see yet another lost movie- this time a slasher film.  Given the genre, I'm sure that it will be awesome.  Stay tuned...
  

3 comments:

  1. That monster is totally cooler than the Predator. I think they retroactively stole the title Predator from this film!

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  2. The "predator" looks like the cat people from Sleepwalkers. A movie which also sucks.

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  3. I like to think of it more as the kangaroo guys from 'Warriors of Virtue' or 'Tank Girl.' I can see the cat-mutant thing though.

    At least 'Sleepwalkers' makes up for the stupid plot with random gore and silliness. Take me away, invisible car!

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