Friday, December 24, 2010

1,100th Post Special!!!!: Gridlock (1996)

Consider this the one present you can open up on Christmas Eve.  Thanks for sticking with me!
For this slightly-big anniversary, I bring you an obscure most notable for its casting.  Never heard of Gridlock?  Join the club!  This Made-For-TV film was made in 1996 and got the cheapest DVD release imaginable.  Okay, that's not entirely true- it does have a Menu screen.  Sure, it just says 'Play' and 'Chapters,' but it counts...dammit!  So why is it being featured here?  The cast- pure and simple.  This movie stars two titans of the film industry (especially the action genre): David Haselhoff and Cathy Ireland.  Before you run off to buy the movie, read the review.  I know it will be hard, but hold yourself back.  Get out your silent helicopters for my review of...
The film begins with Hasselhoff breaking up a hostage situation, defying his boss along the way.  Seen it.  The result of this is that he's pulled off-duty in the Helicopter Squad and placed behind a desk.  Incidentally, what exactly is the point of the Squad, since they don't monitor traffic or anything.  You just need a B-Movie Actor to be able to land anywhere?  He goes home, only to have a fight with his girlfriend (Ireland).  This is *attempting* to be dramatic and all, but this is also their first scene together.  There is no drama without context, guys!  He goes into work the next day and meets up with his boss, who's also his dad.  That's...amazingly-convenient.
Speaking of convenient, Ireland is a tour guide at the Federal Reserve Building.  I wonder where this is going?  The movie also shows when it was made by having the gang refer to themselves only as numbers.  Gee, that's not like Resevoir Dogs at all!  Through an elaborate series of silly events, they manage to break in and take out all the security.  Outside, they set off a series of badly-CGed-in bombs on the major bridges near NYC.  Too soon?  Hasselhoff defies orders and goes to see his lady, only to see her run onto the roof before being caught.  He tries to call in for help, but his boss (the guy from before) blows him off.  Time to go in alone, 'Hoff!
Immediately upon entering, he is nearly caught by a guy and runs away.  My hero.  He's doing this from the same guy who was beaten up by Ireland earlier, allowing her to escape.  That's sad, 'Hoff!  He escapes via a stunt they stole from Jackie Chan's Who Am I? and goes back in at the ground level.  I'm amazed at how pointless that was- thank you.  Despite not knowing the way, he runs into Ireland, leading to an accidental karate fight between the two.  Good job, obvious stunt-men.  They pretty much just wander around, occasionally being shot at and/or running.  I just love holding patterns- don't you?
Finally, the movie reaches it's climax as Ireland is captured and we get some dramatic running/shooting.  The villains escape the building via a hole in the wall that connects to the Highway.  I don't know- just go with it!  In a Deus Ex Machine, Hasselhoff teams up with his recently-fired dad and a friend to fly a helicopter in pursuit.  He manages to pull off the back of the truck with the helicopter's magnet and punches out the old man who is our new villain.  Yeah, they kill off the original villain for no clear reason at around the hour mark or so.  As it turns out, a businessman set the whole thing up.  In addition, the jerk boss was also in on it, providing a reason for him to be an asshole this whole time.  Oh yeah, the hostage situation reignites the love between 'Hoff and Ireland.  Thank God!  The End.
This movie sucks- but you had to know that!  The plot is...well, Die Hard.  It's not Christmas and 'Hoff is not Willis, but the point is still clear.  The movie does so little to disguise this fact too, even having dramatic scenes built around the group's hacker getting past the automated locks.  Yeah, you're fooling nobody.  The acting is...well, the movie stars 'Hoff and Ireland.  Do I even need to explain why they suck?  They can't act, fight or even look all that effective at running.  The poor guys who plays the villainous henchmen have to pull the real weight.  Of course, they're not really all that good either.  It's a sub-par, Made-For-TV action film.  If it were to feature two different actors, I wouldn't care.  Enjoy this brief bit of notoriety, Gridlock- it won't last.  See you in another 100 posts.

1 comment:

  1. 1,100 posts!!?? Good lord, you've been a busy little beaver! Congrats, and Happy Holidays.