Wednesday, December 29, 2010

Delayed Reviews: Sex Medusa

I love this title!  I hate this movie, but I love the title.  Seriously, this movie is a disappointment for all the reasons that you would not think of.  To put it simply, this movie is boring!  I know- I was shocked too!  This 2001 film was rented by me a long while ago for one reason: it exists.  Sadly, its existence was so offensive to me that I didn't review it.  I guess I can't sit on this one any longer though.  The plot involves snakes in the sewer, a naked woman and a man afraid of cats.  Interesting trio, huh?  Despite what you might think, almost none of this is actually interesting.  Want to see why?  Get out your CG snakes for my review of...
Basically, Chinese versions of the HAZMAT guys from Hell of the Living Dead go around the sewer burning up snake eggs.  Why?  Why the hell not, I say?!?  A snake escapes from it's egg and into the streets, where it subsequently morphs into a naked woman.  Okay, you lost me there.  She ends up meeting a sad man who is sitting on a lot of money.  Why is he sad?  Apparently, his wife went out on an errand one night and died in a car wreck.  This was caused by a cat crossing the road, causing her to swerve.  So, naturally, he's afraid of cats.  No, really.  She brings the man happiness by simply being around him.  Sure, the sex totally helps.  After all the silliness built up though, the movie just kind of meanders at this point.  Go for broke or go home!

Some real drama arrives as a relative wants the guy's money.  The plan is simple: scare him to death.  If only he was scared of some common, household animal!  There's also the mystery of our heroine's origin, which is mostly relegated to scenes of awkward banter and comedy bits.  Raise your hand if you care.  Okay, lower them now, you sarcastic jerks.  Ultimately, the plan works and our hero is killed via a heart attack.  When the girlfriend/monster finds out the truth, she turns into a CG model and becomes...the silliest monster ever.  I waited 80 minutes for this shit?!?!?  The End.

This movie sucks!  The plot is barely there and maudlin.  Seriously, who puts that plot with this title?!?  You hear the title and think 'exploitation.'  Instead, you get emotions, padding and stupidity.  The movie just drags from about ten minutes in to at least an hour later.  When stuff finally happens, it involves really stupid visuals.  Why does the snake turn into a woman and then...a woman in a wig with a CG tongue?  It could have at least turned into a bad CG model a la 1999's Beowulf.  No, that would just be silly!  The whole movie builds to this event and it's stupid as hell.  I can't stress that fact enough.  The movie has a silly title, but fails to live up to, well, any expectations you might have.  Unless you were expecting something random a la Blood Freak or Wild Zero, you'll be let down a lot.  Take a good laugh at the title and move on.  I sure wish that I had!
Up next, we wrap up the year 2010 with two films about the end of the year.  First up, that other other slasher film with Jamie Lee Curtis.  Stay tuned...

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