Sunday, December 26, 2010

Delayed Reviews: Once Upon A Girl

Cartoon porn- what else is there to say?  I rented this movie about two years ago and, for the life of me, I can't imagine why.  Like most Something Weird DVD releases, the movie was freaky as hell.  Not in the same way as Alice in Acidland orMonster at Camp Sunshine, mind you, but still weird.  This is what you need to know: Don Jurwich wanted to make a dirty movie.  In order to do that, he got a bunch of ex-Disney animators and the guy who played 'Otis' on The Andy Griffith Show.  I'd really love to see how he got from Point A to Point B, honestly!  For those of you who don't know who Jurwich is (join the club!), he was a Producer on numerous animated shows/films.  A quick Wikipedia search shows his name on such projects as G.I. JoeHong Kong Phooey and Richie Rich.  Just note that he did work on some of these projects- most notably G.I. Joe- after working on this movie.  You can make porn cartoons and just jump back into regular ones?  Weird!  So why did I not review this film before?  Well, it's porn.  It's hard to write about something that's just porn, let alone show screen captures.  Throw in the fact that the site was still very young, so I didn't want to risk it.  Now- I don't care one way or another.  Get out your obviously-fake geese for my review of...
The film begins in a nice, small town wrought with controversy.  What could cause such a fuss?  Why it's the trial of Mother Goose, of course.  I'll let that one sink in for a minute.  Ready to continue?  Okay.  Ms. Goose is on trail for indecency, on account of her telling naughty stories all around town.  They bring her into the courtroom and she is...a man in drag.  Yeah, 'Otis' plays 'Mother Goose' here.  It's funny, apparently.  To defend 'herself,' 'she' tells some of her tales.  How would that help in, screw it!
 The animation is kind of like Disney film, but about sex.  We see the tale of Cinderella- only with sex.  It's what it sounds like.
The real 'meat' (pun fully intended) of the story is Jack & the Beanstalk  Jack humps a tree while a frog sits on his head.  I'd ask the logic of this, I need to?
 Jack's frog falls into a nearby woman's dress, which apparently creates a sensation that she likes.  Try to get this face out of your mind now, bitches!
 He climbs up the titular stalk and runs into more 'sexy' situations.  First, the talking harp is a lady, so they make whoopie.  He meets up with the giant's wife next, who uses him for 'downtown fun.'  The husband comes home, requiring him to hide.  Guess where he hides- I dare you!  Eventually, the guy figures out that our hero is there- do you have to ask how?- and they have a laugh.  Good for you.
Jack has a good laugh remembering all of this.  Well, that and one other reaction...
Part of my soul just died.  Here's what killed the rest of it.
Lastly, we get a pretty odd Snow White story.  It all ends with her attending a wedding in the nude and an orgy breaks out.  Back in court, a similar thing happens.  Mother Goose is let off...because, well, logic died a long time ago.  The End.
This movie sucks- even in recollection!  The plot is an excuse to show a bunch of dirty cartoons.  Aside from that stupidity, it's not even funny.  A guy in a dress- that's all you've got?  The cartoons themselves are not good.  The voice-acting is bad, the animation is iffy and they don't even commit to the real sex.  It's like I want to see a Rated X cartoon with realistic sex or anything, but that's clearly what they were going for.  They actually end up with cartoons that have enough sex to be dirty, but not enough sex to really satisfy their point. Never mind that so many of them are full of freaky stuff like Jack making out with the talking harp.  If that works for you, more power to you!  As for me, the movie was just 'icky.'  I'm no prude, but I'm also not into this.  Like most Something Weird films, I get why they felt the need to release it, but I also don't care to see it more than once.
Next up, a Thai action film that also features giant, CG monsters.  Yeah, they can make Syfy Channel films too.  Stay tuned...

1 comment:

  1. Wasn't it Little Red Riding Hood who went to the wedding in the nude? The theatrical trailer said so.