Saturday, December 25, 2010

Holiday Death: Elves!

In my mind, the best way to celebrate this holiday is with a shitty and obscure movie.  As such, here is a movie that was last released on the video market in 1994.  No DVD release, huh?  Incidentally, the film was made in 1989 and released on video in 1990.  So it didn't even have much time to make an impact, huh?  So what is Elves about?  Well, the story involves a young woman, a monster and Nazis.  Yes, Nazis.  The 'big star' on hand is Dan Haggerty.  For those of you under 40, Haggerty was Grizzly Adams in a famous TV show.  If you only know him from this movie, he's that guy that smokes all the time.  There's no sugar-coating this movie, so let's just dive right in.  Get out your stabbing jewels for my review of...
The film begins with three girls going out to the woods.  They do an 'anti-Christmas' ceremony.  The point of all this is to have the Final Girl get cut on her hand, the blood dripping into a hole.  This lets loose the titular monster.  Yes, monster in the singular sense.  Let's get this disappointment out of the way: there is only one Elf here.  They use the word 'Elves' a lot here, but there's still only one.  Got it?  Good.  We see the girl at home with her bitchy mother and her old grandfather.  That's pretty much all there is to say about that.  At the mall where the girls work, we see a bearded man (Haggerty) looking for work, but getting rejected.  Hey look, Jerk Boss- how original.  Meanwhile, the monster from the woods is loose and...just kind of wandering around.  Yeah, the movie coasts early on.  Haggerty's troubles get worse as he's booted from his trailer and ends up sleeping in the mall.  After another scene with the bitchy mom, the girl is back at work and gets hit on by a dirty guy playing Santa.  He is finally kicked out, only to get stabbed to death by the Elf.  It's target- his groin.  He'd be a Poor Bastard of Cinema, but they actually set this one up.  Don't worry- there's still plenty of movie.  Incidentally, watch for the P.O.V. footage of the thing chasing the Santa guy in broad daylight through the mall.  Is this a mall for the blind?
The next night, our heroine and her friends stay in the mall after hours and call some guys to hang out with them- for sex.  It's good to see that you have your priorities straight!  We get a ridiculous series of events that involve people taping a door (to keep it from locking), un-taping it and back again.  The point of that is what exactly?  In the film's B-Plot, some evil Nazi guys talk to the grandfather and they apparently want our heroine.  Why?  No clue yet, but I can be sure that it will end up being silly.  The guys end up at the door, only to be killed off-screen by the Nazis.  This leads to a dramatic chase/shoot-out involving the girls, Haggerty and the Nazis.  The dumbest girl of the group is shot in an elevator, while the second one is killed by the Elf.  Yeah, it shows up here too...for some reason.  The thing pops up in a Santa hat and slowly chases her with a knife.  Despite it stabbing her in the hand, she can't stand up.  Did I miss something in Biology?  In the end, the Nazis and Elf flee when the police arrive.  The mall owner's concern: the bad press.  Not the actual deaths or anything- just the bad press they would bring.  Want to know about the Elf?  Okay, but be ready to laugh.
Haggerty goes on a long series of investigative searches, smoking all the while.  Eventually, he learns that the Nazis created Elves as the proprietors of the new master race.  Not Aryans, mind you- Elves.  Our heroine is a pure virgin, so she's the target of the Elf- for sex.  Say it with me now- Eww!  Our heroine finds out some bad truths on her own too.  Her grandfather is actually her father too.  Now you're throwing in Incest too?  Joy.  While our heroine and Haggerty are away, the mom goes for a bath.  Obvious Body Double Number One climbs in before being killed by the Elf (see above) who drops in a toaster.  Obvious Body Double Number Two flashes her fake breasts before she dies.  The Nazis show up after stopping to shoot Grandpa/Dad, but get killed off pretty easily.  All of this leads up to a showdown between the Elf and our heroine.  She...just kind of stands there, while the thing...just sort of stands there too.  She eventually pulls out that red gem from earlier and stabs...the hole in the ground where the Elf came from and sparks shoot out.  All is well, save for the ending shot of a fetus.  Sequel-bait?  The End.
This movie sucks!  The plot is stupid and manages to muck up a simple thing.  You want a weird monster- that's fine.  You want a story of weird, Nazi experiments- fine.  You want them both, plus family drama and Dan Haggerty- no deal!  This is not hard to do, people!  On top of that, the title is a total lie.  They talk about Elves- even trying to link them to the Bible, of all things- but there's only ever one in the film.  You can't say the phrase 'holy shit- death rays' in a comedy about teenagers and just make that the title!  Of course, they only have one monster because their budget is so damn small.  Then again, if they hadn't paid for Dan's cigarettes, they would have another $2 million!  Their tiny puppet barely works and never moves in a shot.  They show a third of it, use P.O.V. shots or have it stand still.  That weird fly monster from The Fly II- it moved.  The silly thing from Xtro II- it moved.  Hell, Canada made a film about a giant, alien brain & that thing floated around constantly!  The bottom line- this movie is rare, but not worth it.  It's good for some laughs, but not as much as you'd think.  A horror film called Elves should be a gold mine!  This film is mostly just an empty river basin!
Next up, we close up the year with some Delayed Reviews.  First up, that movie with porn, an Andy Griffith Show actor and the guy who helped make Scooby-Doo.  Stay tuned...

5 comments:

  1. yep, this movie is so laughably stupid, it's incredible

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  2. I want to see this pile of shit so bad, its one of the few Christmas films I havent gotten my hands on... I forget, did you cover Psycho Santa, Santa Claws, or Christmas Season Massacre yet Alec?

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  3. I did rent the three pack of movies, but I only actually watched 'Psycho Santa' and 'Santa Claws.' I couldn't bear watch the other one, although I tried to this year...but the DVD is out-of-print on Netflix, Carl. Darn, I guess.

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  4. Only if Darn = Phew! CSM is somehow worse than either of the killer Santa films, mind-boggling as it is. I was going to do another Christmas spree this year, but I couldn't take it two years in a row.

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  5. Pansy.

    If I can watch 'Elves' and a bunch of other shit, you can too.

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