Thursday, February 4, 2010

Furry People: Critters 3- The Main Course

Well, we have reached the end point here.  After three movies, what else is there to tell about the critters?  Have they smashed up a farm?  Yes.  Have they rolled through town like a furry lawnmower?  Yes.  Have they 'invaded your space?'  Yes.  Well, my friends, the answer is simple: they're moving to the big city.  Yes, it appears that someone in Hollywood watched the film Delicatessen (both came out in 1991) and decided to make a similar film.  Mind you, one of them is the second sequel in a comedy/horror series, while the other is an abstract French film about a wacky apartment building.  Both films share a similar tone when it comes to the characters, however, which is the main point of comparison.  This movie is also the feature film debut of one Leondardo DiCaprio, the star of The Beach and The Quick and the Dead.  I think he was in some film about a boat or something too.  Considering that the fourth film featured Angela Basset a mere two years before her Oscar win proves that this series does not ruin the career of everyone involved in it, although it does for most.  Before it ruins mine, let's close out the series with...

The film begins with a single parent driving his two kids back home from vacation.  I'm already having Troll flashbacks, which is not a good sign!  After a flat tire, they pull over at a rest stop and the two kids wander off.  The young boy- who is played by twins- almost walks off into the woods when he is stopped by...Leonardo DiCaprio in the loudest shirt humanly possible.  By the way, everyone wears neon in this movie- get used to it.  About two minutes after telling the boy to not go down into the woods, Leo goes and the others follow.  All of a sudden, a man shoots out of the ground via a parachute.  I'm sorry, but A- you're ripping off the Killer Tomatoes movies and B- that's physically-impossible.  To further stretch logic, it turns out to Charlie (the farm hand) is lying out there, apparently looking for critters.  Hey, do you remember the end of Critters 2 where Charlie stays and becomes the Sheriff, finally bringing meaning to his life?  Well, screw that, apparently.  See you in the third act, screenwriter's brother!  The family comes back home to their big apartment building and meet all the wacky neighbors, including the nebbish older couple, the butch lady and the fat shut-in.  Thank you, cliches.
Unfortunately for our heroes, the titular monsters have shown up and make themselves at home.  This proves bad for the humans, who get attacked one-by-one.  We get a strange sub-plot involving Leo's dad trying to evict the people, only to get killed by them.   Yeah, it barely goes anywhere.  The quills show up again and help take out dad and the fat lady.  The action drags a bit as we have to deal with a sub-plot involving the girl not wanting to grow up so fast and their dad being away too much.  Blah blah, I don't care.  We get a mix of horror and comedy, although it tends to linger on comedy.  Like Texas Chainsaw Massacre 2, it also features many long scenes that don't know when to quit.  Yes, I needed to watch everyone climb up the ladder, movie!  On top of that, the film is convinced with showing you the monsters being wacky.  Five minutes of them smashing up a kitchen, eating dish-washing liquid and playing with stoves- why not?!?  Charlie shows up to help save the day with his alien weaponry- that stuff lasts- but fails to kill all of them before they get to the roof.  One last critter comes back and launches himself Sonic-style at the kid.  Charlie dives in the way and saves the kid, but manages to live.  He runs away just in time to avoid the advances of the fat lady though.  All's well that end's well...

But wait, there's more!  During the credits, Charlie wanders down to the attic and discovers a hatch of eggs in the dryer.  See- because it's warm!  He goes to destroy them, but the image of the alien bounty hunter displays itself via a piece from it's ship.  It has the face of the rock star that it had in the first part of Critters 2.  So much for the ending with him having Charlie's face, I guess.  Anyhow, Charlie is told that he can't kill the last two eggs and that the proper steps must be taken.  To be continued....right here.

This movie is not as bad as the first one, but definitely not as good as the second one.  Mind you, that is a relative comment and meant only in respect how fun it is.  This movie has some good ideas, but drags at points where it should shine and does not deliver on what it could have.  There is a strong set-up for hijinks involving the wacky people and the monsters, but it is all just so generic.  I just can't help but feel for what could have been done with this premise.  Oh wait, I know what could have been- Delicatessen!

Next up, I return to The Asylum for a film that just begs to be ridiculed.  I know that sounds like all of their movies, but trust me here.  Stay tuned...

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