Thursday, February 11, 2010

Witchcrap: Lucifera

This little movie is a DVD release that came last year without a lot of hype to it.  In all fairness though, why should it have any?  To save you a little time, I will tell you that this is a bad movie.  Not only that, but it has a crappy VHS transfer.  Mind you, not quite as bad as The Strange Case of the End of Civilization or The Dragon Lives Again, but still bad.  The whole premise for the film is ridiculous and anti-climactic.  Not only that, but it features Satan in a cameo role.  Wait until you see who they got to play him too.  There's really nothing good here...but there is some weird crap, which is why I'm reviewing it.  This is...
The story begins in an extremely-abrupt manner with a trio of women ending a tour of a castle.  The tour guide thanks them and tells them that the place is now closed.  Instead of leaving, however, our lead heroine asks if they can stay the night.  Faster than you can say 'Hell no, bitch,' the man agrees.  Why?  They have dinner and ask about the empty chair at the head of the table.  Their host explains that it belongs to the owner: Satan!  The girls explain that they went to this castle to see old Scratch and were disappointed.  After a few minutes of joking, a bit of thunder instantly instills terror in our heroines.  Random character change for no good reason- why not?!?  After a bit of conversation, our lead heroine wanders around and finds a painting of a woman being burned at the stake.  Well, art should be designed to inspire interest!  This inspires our heroine to have a dream- setting up the rest of the movie.  That's right- everything you see from hereon out will be a dream.  I hope they did not want any drama or anything!
Our narrative jumps to the past and a small, colonial town of puritans.  Obviously, that is not going to last based on the movie's title.  The three women are living in this era and the lead girl is set to be married.  However, she has doubts and begins to dabble in the occult.  The big problem with this movie is that it is too sharply-divided between freaky stuff and dull crap.  I get the idea of juxtaposing this stuff, but it is simply not done well here.  After a lot of talk and nothing of note, our heroine's friends are attacked by lady vampires.  That...came out of nowhere, guys!  We also get a recurring plot point with a man in a red mask spying on our heroine.  Does it ever really make sense?  No, not really.  Oh yeah, Satan shows up in the form of Edmund Purdom to...stand around and laugh.  Seriously, that's about all he does- besides humping our heroine that is.  Eventually, our heroine submits to the power of evil, kills her husband-to-be and makes it with Satan.  The town figures out what is up and burns her at the stake.  In the morning, we return to modern times (read: 1971) and our heroines leave the castle, as Satan Purdom looks on.  The End.

Yeah, this movie is not good.  It is a stupid movie that all takes place in a dream.  It could be about Godzilla battling Jesus with the fate of 1,000 hot lesbians in mech-suits on the line and I would not care!  You thought you were being clever, didn't you guys?  Which is worse- making a pointless movie or having your best actor (Purdom) stand around and do jack shit.  The film is apparently a cult movie that got attention way back in the day thanks to some salacious stills of it ending up in a film magazine.  After all of this time, we realize that this movie has barely any of that.  The interesting parts are so few and far between that I am left comparing this movie to William Shatner's opus Incubus.  The whole experience is just dull and pointless.  Let's move on, shall we?

Next up, a film that shares the same name with both a Korean horror film and its American counterpart.  Does it have anything to do with them?  Not unless they were about killer home appliances.  Stay tuned...

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