Tuesday, April 6, 2010

Tromatic: A Nymphoid Barbarian in Dinosaur Hell

I really, really don't like Troma.  I know a lot of people do and more power to them- I just don't.  Even so, they occasionally make films that appeal to my basest desires or morbid curiosity.  In this case, it is the latter.  In my defense, how easy is it to ignore a movie called A Nymphoid Barbarian in Dinosaur Hell?  Bear in mind, as my well, that I'm completely crazy.  So yeah, I logged on to my Netflix Streaming Account and watched this piece of crap.  Was it good?  You're really asking me that question?  The more important question: is it funny or bearable?  Find out in my review of...
The film begins with a long monologue about the world being destroyed by nuclear war.  They also make special note of which area was hit the worst: Tromaville.  Um, thanks.  We are also shown a ton of random shots that will show up...five minutes later.  You're a bit insulting towards our attention span, aren't you?  The woman- presumably our heroine, although it's only a voice here- also talks about how all of this gets her hot.  How does this relate to anything we see in the movie?  It doesn't.  You ready for the big reveal? 
This is not a Troma film.  They bought it and released it, but it's as much of a Troma film as Blood Sucking Freaks or The Stendhaal Syndrome!  They just tacked on this silly opening bit (but, oddly, not the car crash from Sgt. Kabukiman N.Y.P.D.) to trick you. FAIL!
The film follows the exploits of our heroine as she wanders around the wasteland and gets into trouble.  A generic guy in a vest comes her way and saves her from some wandering, mutated men.  Before that, however, he kills a random worm monster with a crossbow.  Yeah, it works when you shoot it in the eye after about six tries, dumb-ass!
On a beach, we meet the villain of the movie, who appears to be Fallout reject dressed like the bad guys from Willow- odd combination!  Him and his group of not-Sleestaks kill a random Gnome guy (where is he from exactly) and chase our heroes.  During the night, they kidnap the woman, immediately rendering her helpless with a small bit of rope.  How did you survive again?  Thankfully, some random dinosaurs start fighting near them, which distracts the mutants enough for her to escape.  Thanks, dog monster from Ghostbusters!
We finally get a good hero in this film as a masked man with an axe who saves her.  We find out that he is some sort of mutant too, but he's nice.  Of course, he battles the evil villain and dies.  Aw, we're stuck with the dork, aren't we?  During all of this, our other hero meets some David Ogden Stiers-looking guy who gives him a 'boomstick.'  This comes in handy during the next scene when he kills a random swamp monster.  That's the thing with all of these 'monsters'- they just show up at random.  It's like someone went 'the audience is fading- toss in Dinosaurus!'  Speaking of random, a dinosaur tears off our villain's right arm, but he lives.  Our heroine is brought to the villain's base...which appears to be Castle Grayskull.  Someone save us!
The big battle is pretty dumb.  Basically, our hero shows up during a ceremony to sacrifice our heroine to some dinosaur thing.  By the way, random topless scene!  He busts in and takes out a few of the reptiles before running away.  Dude, you're armed!  Of course, our heroine fires off all of the remaining shots in a vain attempt to be useful- fail again.  Both of our leads struggle to take down the one-armed man, but eventually cause him to fall in the water where the two random dinosaur things eat him.  The End.
Yeah, this movie is not good.  It's a lame barbarian film crossed with an evil lamer post-apocalyptic film.  What's the apocalypse?  Stock footage.  What's the wasteland?  It's a freaking forest!  The rules of this thing are very vague as well, giving us fully-formed mutants, dinosaurs and humans.  Several of these things are not like the others, several of these things do not belong!  If you're a fan of Troma, don't let the title fool you.  This is an extremely-generic film that occasionally has some decent clay-mation/practical effects work in it.  There's no Toxie, no Lloyd Kauffman and no Kabukiman.  Hell, they don't even get Lemmy from Motorhead to be in this crap!  It's about as much of a Troma film as Transmorphers: Fall of Man is a Syfy Channel Original Picture!  This movie is not worth the crap that it was printed on it and is just not that entertaining.  Even veteran film-mockers like myself struggled to get through this turd.
Up next, Takashi Miike shows up again with a film about crime, guns and...a cyborg.  What did I get into?  Stay tuned...

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