Saturday, April 3, 2010

Instant Trash: Skeleton Key 2- 667 Neighbor of the Beast

Okay, I have to be honest with you: I could not finish the movie.  Hell, I barely made it to the fifteen minute mark of the film.  It's bad- it's real bad.  So what can I do?  Do I just ignore this movie and do something else?  Do I give up and admit defeat?  Never!  Hell, let's just improvise, shall we?  Rather than a full review (I literally dare anyone to do a full one), consider this more of a text-style V-Log (yes, I realize how that sounds) than a review.  This is (some of)...
* The film begins with a random introduction by the director.  It's pointless, distracting and dumb.
* A second introduction has a very annoying video store worker greeted by a friend with a copy of Skeleton Key 2.  He freaks out the guy out, so, naturally, the guy goes to leave.  The man has a normal reaction: knocking the guy out and tying him up.
* By the way, the 'friend' is played by a P.O.V. cam like Ernest's unseen friend Vern.  Ugh.
* The film's title screen is about four different names repeated for different jobs.  The background is a cheap-looking CG castle right out of a PC game from 1992.  The film's release year: 2008.
* In the actual film (Thank God...wait), a man talks to us...more.  Is this supposed to be interesting guys?
* Anyhow, he explains that he used to be a reporter, but now owns the place due to finding a five-legged goat in Afghanistan.  I've got nothing.
* Everything is happy and he has a woman.  When he goes to see her, she is sucking on some random woman's nipple.  After he leaves, she resumes the activity like nothing happened.
* He has a minor freak-out and puts on an old, tattered suit.  Hey movie, want to explain this?  No?  Okay then.
* He gets a tape from Nilbog and, you know what, what else can I say that will top this?  Seriously- they're using the name 'Nilbog!'
* After commenting that he has no player for the VHS tape, a second copy is dropped off- labeled as 'Also from Nilbog'- on DVD.
* The tape has a bunch of random people dancing around before an unseen force kills them.  Actually, it causes them to run three inches off-screen and toss a bucket of blood against the wall.  One guy shoots himself in the head before this happens.  Ha ha- it's funny because he died!
* One jump cut later, one remaining guy- in a turban, by the way- is tied up (barely) to a chair while two men dressed like Pee-Wee's genie sit near him.  Yeah, I'm done.

Seriously, I dare someone to make it through this crap.  You think I'm exaggerating to be funny?  After watching this, I tried to watch anything else to review instead.  You know what sounded good- Single Black Female.  This is what you've driven me to, movie!  You're making tomorrow's terrible movie sound so much better.  Let's just move on and say that we never saw this movie, alright?  Good job.
Next up, I celebrate the resurrection of our Lord with the resurrection of me reviewing a Sub Rosa Film.  I'm going to need divine intervention!  Stay tuned...


  1. shudder.. I already hated the original, I dont think I could even take this one on so how about you keep it and we'll call it even? Deal.

  2. In case it wasn't clear, this has no relation to the film with Kate Hudson in it. Why is it called 'Skeleton Key?' I have no flipping clue!

    So have you actually seen the film that this is a sequel to, Carl? If so, I feel for you!