Moon Over Miami: The Killer Eye

Another Full Moon picture?  Man, this is a long week!  Today's film comes to us from the year 2000 and is not an official Full Moon release.  All the information I read about it before selecting it said otherwise, but the actual DVD made no mention of the company.  However, they did use the same, lazy Menu design used by Deathbed, which is a good sign.  Whether or not a Band is attached to it, this film is very much a Full Moon film.  It involves an experiment with viewing into the 8th Dimension, since apparently the 5-7th Dimensions are so blase.  Something goes awry and a crazy creature is released.  What are its goals?  Apparently groping woman and staring at people having sex.  If you think I'm joking, check out my review of...

Our story begins with a crazy Optometrist doing an experiment on a young, male test subject.  The scientific mood is killed when his hot and horny wife shows up.  Her complaint: he's not giving her enough *attention.*  By 'attention,' I, of course, mean 'dick.'  Seriously, this is a plot point.  While they're arguing, one of the man's eyes begins to change...and it's not for the better.  It grows gigantic and actually leaves his body.  The freaky thing floats over to a pair of wall charts showing the male and female anatomies.  Why this is in an Optometrist's office- even a crazy one- is beyond me.  After they argue for a bit over the discovery of the body, she goes downstairs and talks to two guys who seem to be pulled right out of the werewolf pack from New Moon.  New Moon in Full Moon, huh?  These guys actually turn out to be more of the McConaughey variety as they are shirtless and high.  She blatantly hits on them and invites them to the bedroom for some fun.  Cut the apartment of one of his assistants who is called away from his wife, who bears a striking resemblance to Sliders' Sabrina Lloyd.  She's upset because she too is not getting enough attention.  Ah, feminism lives!

One thing I should get out of the way now: this movie is full of long, pointless nude scenes.  I'm normally not one to complain that emphatically, but it is extremely-pointless here.  There's enough you can do with the crazy premise that doesn't involve topless women!  Anyhow, the bored wife has some fun with the guys, but they tire out before she does.  Lying in bed between them, she is probed by the eye monster's weird tentacle things...and she likes it.  This is turning into bad hentai very quickly!  One of the men wakes up, which disturbs the monster and it zaps him.  When the other man awakens, the monster flees.  In response to being told that a monster was there, the woman laughs, evidently ignorant of the fact that she was disrobed and probed in her sleep!  The creature makes its way over to the assistant's apartment, just in time for his wife to get in the shower and start lathering (all on camera).  It gives her the same treatment and she gives it the same results.  I can kind of rationalize the energy effect doing something weird to them, but the tentacles?  You guys don't notice the tentacles crawling all over you.  Geez, you deserve to be invaded!

What follows are a serious set-ups to more nudity and a little bit of plot.  Even after the earlier encounter, the other woman is met by the alien again.  It begins to rub her all over her non-exposed parts with its tentacles.  Naturally, she thinks that it is her husband.  Um, what?!?  She eventually figures it out when he shows up, but they both get zapped by the alien and the, um, 'inter-dimensional fun' continues yet again, this time with the man watching.  The thing gets disrupted again as our heroes meet up and talk about the monster.  One guy thinks that it is complete bullshit and the scientist actually says 'I wish that were true.'  There's no wishing involved, buddy!  More hijinks ensue as the alien thing proceeds to posses one of the always-shirtless men and has some fun with both women at different.  It's long, tedious and weird- why change things up?!?  When he finally confronts our heroes, we learn that the scientist has joined forces with him...for some reason.  Yeah, I stopped caring.  After some shooting, they convince the creature to leave through a portal, but the scientist goes with it.  Don't worry, the Eye will leave a legacy, as both women are now pregnant!

Yeah, this movie is just not that good.  You take a really simple idea and just ruin it.  Seriously, it's about a killer eye from the 8th Dimension that shoots lasers!  That's an awesome premise!  So, naturally, you make it... about showing naked women getting groped with tentacles.  What are you- Japanese?!?  I don't get the logic in wasting this premise on this crap.  I have seen bad premises utilized to showcase pointless nudity (Satan's Babydoll and The Mansion of the Living Dead).  Hell, I've seen barely-there premises used in the same way (Girl Slaves of Morgana Le Fay).  This idea could actually work as a quirky horror film...so why did they do this?  It is a damn shame that I couldn't like this movie.  This is the kind of movie that was made for weirdos like me.  Two words: you fail.

Next up, my week-long tribute to Full Moon ends with a film about killer dolls.  Who would have thunk it? Stay tuned...