Moon Over Miami: Deathbed

Anyone familiar with the site knows that I have an interesting relationship with Full Moon.  With their massive film library, it has been hard to avoid them.  Of course, when they make Dr. Strange rip-offs (Doctor Mordrid), weird sci-fi series' (Trancers 1-5) and movies with a midget Dracula (The Creeps), it is even harder!  In fact, they make so much weird shit that they deserve a whole week of reviews.  To start it off right, we have this film from 2002 that shares nearly the same name as Death Bed: The Bed That Eats.  I actually saw this a long time ago at a Blockbuster and wondered why this 1970s film was on a double-bill with Castle Freak.  Now, it makes sense, huh?  The biggest selling point of the film is Stuart Gordon's role as Executive Producer.  That's pretty much it, so let's jump right into the review of...

The film starts with a two minute long scene of a woman being tied to a bed and choked to death.  We get it from about 400 different camera angles, proving that their Editor has a case of ADD!  'I'm tired of this angle- try a new one.'  Incidentally, the whole thing is in black and white, meaning that they either want it to look old or be a promo for the NWO.  Since this is a murder from the early 20th Century, I guess it's the former and not the latter- sadly.  We cut to the present day and...the face of Joe Estevez.  Abandon hope, all ye that enter here- this is a Joe Estevez film!  The plot is pretty simple: a young couple is moving into a re-fitted factory room-turned-apartment.  One of the movers is also the film's Assistant Director, by the way.  The couple is a bit curious, as the man is a photographer (who occasionally does the 'nudie stuff') and the woman is an artist...with no actual contract.  How can you guys afford anything on your low, intermittent salary?  Without any segue, we go from Estevez talking to them to the couple having sex.  Um, okay.

One day, the wife is left at home as the husband goes off to shoot...a busty black model for a bed advertisement.  Hustler- the leading brand in bedding!  Left alone, the woman hears some loud noises and screaming coming from a mysterious, locked door in the corner of the place.  She makes a call and Estevez springs into action.  In it, they discover...the bed from the introductory scene.  It looks in amazing shape for a metallic bed frame that's been locked in a dank room for nearly 70 years.  Joe lets them keep it and the woman makes the most of it by putting on some slutty clothes, having her pictures taken and humping her hubby.  We get some flashes of the earlier scene and the woman being bothered by them.  Evidently, her personality is changing to that of a more sexually-adventurous woman, but it's not by choice.  She continues to have weird visions and draws the bed in some advertising work.  She also draws some racy drawings of a woman being handcuffed to the thing...which is odd, considering that she was hired to do a children's drawing.  This actually comes into play as she has to rush to do a new one.  That will show you!

The woman is not alone in having visions and weird, mood changes.  The husband hires a more 'matronly' woman in a conservative outfit for the next shoot, but freaks out his assistant when he tries to pose her provocatively.  Oh yeah, he also has a vision of screwing the woman from the flashback too.  The woman gets more freaked out and goes to a fictitious website that apparently logs murders by their addresses.  She goes to talk to Estevez again, but finds him murdered.  Yeah, we get the 'I'm talking to you while your back is turned and you're not saying anything, but I'm still surprised to find you dead' shot.  Ah, cliches!  Despite going to see a therapist and having flashbacks to her past, the woman still wants to leave.  The man hears a noise upstairs while they pack and ends up getting possessed.  He drugs the woman and tries to kill her, but is stopped by the woman's ghost.  Um, what?  The man also shows flashes of the weird, dead guy's face, although he still goes down.  The woman flees...only to find the door wedged shut.  Another struggle occurs and she smashes her man's face in with a hammer.  It morphs a few times, so who did she actually kill?  In our epilogue, she ends up in a sanitarium and is sexually-assaulted by a nurse...until she flashes the crazy face and kills him.

This movie is really not that good.  It has an obsession with softcore, Cinemax sex & uses it to pad the run-time out.  Speaking of which, the movie still only clocks in at about an hour and fifteen minutes.  Ultimately, this whole movie is built around the cliched 'I saw something crazy and then woke up' bit repeated ad nauseum.  What kind of logic is there?  Not much.  Someone died on the bed and evil ghosts live in it...or something.  Feel free to try and follow what little plot there is, guys.  Is there any sign of Gordon's handiwork here?  No.  This is just a bad horror film by Danny Draven, the man who would bring us Cryptz, Horrorvision and Hell Asylum.  It could have been much more, but it's just a bore.  Better luck next time, guys!

Next up, we get a real quirky Full Moon film that involves caged rock singers, a clown butler and a slutty 'Tina Fey' look-alike.  Ruh roh.  Stay tuned...