DTV : Attack of the Giant Leeches (2008)

The catch about Public Domain films is that you can do anything you want with them.  For example, Killers from Space has been re-dubbed as a film about the military battling 'the gay plague.'  Good things do come out of them sometimes though, like Kung Pow: Enter the Fist or the 2005 remake of The Cabinet of Dr. Caligari (review coming next month).  Today's film is a recent example of Public Domain film remakes and boy is it...something.  The film was made a mere two years ago, but sure does not look like it.  If you wanted to see a low-budget film made by a bunch of Canadians for roughly $500, this is it.  Get out your waders out for my review of....

Like 1995's A Bucket of Blood, this movie is nearly a shot-for-shot remake of the original.  If you have not seen it in either a bargain-basement DVD print, in the Corman box-set or through Mystery Science Theater 3000, here is a quick recap: a back-water town is full of giant leeches that are killing hicks and the Sheriff must stop them.  That's pretty much it.  Here's the things to note...

* The ugly guy who is married to the tough-talking and unappreciative wife is not fat here, just mostly-bald.  Yeah, that's the same, right?


* The Sheriff is a complete dork who is in engaged in a pointless sub-plot involving trouble with his girlfriend.

* The other law enforcement officer is a former boyfriend of our hero's lady.  Does this add anything to the movie?  Other than a lot of stupid jokes and a dumb resolution, no.

* The leeches are not leech-men like in the original.  Instead, they are just partly-inflated tire sections.  I did not think it was possible to make the monsters lower-budget in a film made nearly 50 years later!  Hell, I was expecting them to by SyFy Channel movie CG, but nope.  They're just hand-puppets.
 * There is a sub-plot involving a trio of coeds who prance around in bikini tops and shorts.  Does it add anything to the story?  Nope.

* The girlfriend's dad has an upper-class British accent, but nobody else does.  This is not all that important, but it is weird.
* The people that were trapped in a grotto in the original are now just trapped on a patch of grass.  Really?

* The dad explains that the explosives they used to use to scare seals.  This is both freaky and- surprisingly true.  This does not exactly work out, although it does give us the sight of the dad acting like a suicide bomber to kill one leech.  Pointless sacrifices for all!

This movie is just bad.  It is barely over an hour & is still padded to the brim.  The whole relationship plot is just dull and listless.  The leech attacks are stupid and shot almost entirely with monster P.O.V. shots.  Guys, when you can't make your monsters move- don't bother!  Even crappy SyFy Channel films manage to give us crappy, but moving monsters.  Instead, this movie just features people wandering around in the muck and hicks talking about beer.  Yeah, that's a good replacement, guys.  I get that you can do whatever you want with these films & maybe you liked the original film.  Here's the thing: your movie sucks.  Stick with the Corman film.  It's silly, but enjoyable.  This movie: not so much.

Up next, I celebrate one year of internet blogging with a look at a film whose title tops all others: Time Barbarians!  Stay tuned...