Saturday, March 7, 2015

Project Terrible: Mercenaries (2014)

Another Asylum Film- thanks Maynard- and this one dares to copy The Expendables series...
Sisters are doing it for themselves!  Mind you, what they are doing is Starring in a pretty shit Action Film.  Thi is not great.  Considering the caliber of all of those involved, this should come as no shock.  Cynthia Rothrock has some diehard fans, but you'd be hard-pressed to name any legitimately-great Films she's been in.  Zoe Bell is a great Stunt Performer and looks bad-ass, but is kind of in the same boat.  Kristanna Loken has been in way too many Uwe Boll Films (and the Mortal Kombat show).  Brigitte Nielsen is more famous for dating Flava Flav these days.  Vivica A. Fox was in Sharknado 2.  Now consider that this is an Asylum Film and...well, you get the idea.  With the bar appropriately-low, I will say that this Film does have some decent moments.  They are really buried among the terrible ones...but they are there.  The Film walks that fine line between being fun and being insistent.  It often steps over it though, sadly.  The Plot involves some bad lady kidnapping the President's daughter overseas and holding her hostage.  She apparently hates men and doesn't respect women, so the government decides to send 4 women soldiers to save her.  I can't see why that is a bad idea!  Can the rag-tag group work together and save the day?  Can they possibly match up to the Expendables?  To find out, read on...
Evil Brigitte has kidnapped the President's Daughter...who is traveling through a war-stricken country in a two car convoy.  Why would you question that?

Let me also note that Brigitte was married to Stallone at one point.  Coincidence?
With only 48 hours, the U.S. Government decides to take 4 ladies out of Military Prison and make them a team.  They say that there aren't any lady Soldiers around...but who buys that?
After the standard 'Here is what you do and here is your gear bit,' they deposit the foursome in the field.  Time to work...after you're done posing.
They get off to a rocky start, but each team members' skills pay off in their own way.
They infiltrate Brigitte's gang with the help of an inexplicable urchin (don't ask) and work to free the First Daughter.  What could go wrong?
Well, of course, something does go wrong...but I won't SPOIL what.  I'm just a dick like that.
Will they make it back or will they fail?  To find out, watch the Film (if you insist).  The End.
It is really not that good.  The Asylum did try a little on this one- just not nearly enough.  There is an attempt to make this a fun, comic-style Action Film.  You have mostly-big personalities (although Lokken still doesn't emote much), sometimes silly Action and a Comic Book-style Panel Transition between Scenes.  Unfortunately, you can only gussy up something like this so much.  Am I allowed to say 'lipstick on a pig' yet?  The Action, Story and Presentation defy logic in many ways.  Can you make buttons that apparently function like C-4?  Can you survive a 2-Story fall onto a metal truck roof AND being shot?  Why does a villain fire a half-dozen shots at your prone body, but never hit your head?  Why do armed men continue to insist on only karate-fighting you?  This and many more questions will be asked by you if you choose to watch this Film.  There are just way too many logical leaps that you will have to make here.  The whole thing just feels kind of cheap too.  Not once did it ever seem like they were not still in California.  It just doesn't feel as fun as they want it to be, as interesting as they think it is and as exciting as they intended.  I still have seen worse Asylum Films (like the ones I gave Maynard this Round), but *gasp* I have actually seen better...or at least more entertaining.  On the plus side, they can actually spell 'Mercenaries' here...
Next up, I dig into some Creature Features that have been eluding me for awhile.  Will I go mutant mammal or giant bug?  Stay tuned...


  1. Ha, I almost watched this one day because I knew it was going to fun and stupid like this. But how could they make something like this NOT fun? Now I'm curious... definitely not curious enough to actually watch the movie, mind you.

  2. Contrary to my expectations, Vivica A. Fox was the only fun thing about it. The rest, especially Nielsen and an embarrassing Zoe Bell, were just terrible, at least to me.

    1. I could see that.

      For me, Fox was on the line between 'having fun' and 'not trying to Act.' Some people pull that off better than others.

      Bell looked good in the action bits, but the Acting overall wasn't good.