Instant Fun II: Troll 3 (aka Contamination .7)

How bad is it when your film is only famous for being titled wrong as a marketing ploy?  Such is the case with today's film: Contamination .7.  Oh wait, I mean, The Crawlers.  No, it's The Creepers.  More famously, however, the film was released internationally as Troll 3.  Add another slice of confusion to this mess of a title sandwich for the other alternate titles like Troll 3: The Crawlers or Troll 3: Contamination .7.  Yes, put two different, unrelated numbers in your titles!  For those of you with the benefit of YouTube, Troll 2 is the film where the guy says 'Oh my God' in a really silly way.  So why is this film called Troll 3?  Well, it does have two things in common with the cult classic.  One- it was shot in America by Italians, mostly without any translators to assist.  Two- neither one of them have Trolls in them.  What is the film actually about?  Killer vines killing rednecks due to the vaguely-effective evil of toxic waste.  What kind of waste would do that?  Shut up- that's what!  Is this film as goofy and fun as it's alleged predecessor or is it just a mess?  Get out your axe and your stomping boots as we face-off with...

The film begins with a woman on a bus trip.  Whoa- don't scare me from the get-go, movie!  The young lady makes small talk with another young woman on the bus, who will turn out to be our heroine.  She proceeds to spill her whole back-story to the young lady despite her not asking.  She steps off the bus to use the bathroom, but gets left behind.  She eventually gets picked up by a man who likes to 'look with his hands' and runs off into the woods.  While being chased, she's attacked by some vines that grab her and kill her.  So yes, she is the person on the box...despite not looking like that, being in that outfit and not being a blond.  I'd be a little annoyed if I was that actress, but I probably wouldn't have any room to complain- since I signed on to do Troll 3.  In town, the story changes focus to the other woman on the bus, who is returning home from a long time away.  She meets her family- a mother and a younger brother- as well as the young woman who was once her fiancee.  Romance is in the air as they wander around the forest...until they find the body.  Call the fat, jerk of a Sheriff in to help!

The Sheriff gets mad when the body is not there.  He takes it really personally too.  Sorry for making you walk somewhere, fatty!  What happened to the body, you're asking?  It was taken by the chemical company that is the real villain here.  They've been dumping toxic waste into the forest, causing the creatures to be born.  One Stephen Rea-looking scientist calls for an investigation, but they blow him off.  They accuse him of being a drunk, which is a plot thread that refuses to die in this movie!  We join him after a failed sex-session with a local hussy, because they felt like we needed that image in our heads.  In one really odd scene, the boss of the chemical company meets with a different scientist.  The weird thing is that this guy is clearly Italian and doesn't speak English as his first language, leading to such stilted line delivery that he sounds like the Speech Function on a Mac!  Was that really the best take?!?  Our heroes join forces with another man to investigate the source of the spill.  The good scientist does the same, leading to the slowest and least eventful car chase since Mitchell!  Our heroes find some chicanery, but get stopped by the Sheriff.  Before they can actually do anything, the vines attack again, killing the man.  They just leave.

Now fully aware of the threat, our heroes go right to the source: the head of the company.  When faced with the evidence against him, he pulls out a gun and shoots himself in the head.  Yet again, our heroes don't really solve any problems!  They attempt to rally the town together and this actually works.  That's somewhat proactive, but they are asking others to do a lot of the work.  The main group stands around while the scientist and another man take a chopper to find the source.  They find it and...land next to it.  That's going to get you killed!  Oh look, the scientist gets choked to the death and the helicopter crashes.  That's what you get for being idiots!  Our heroes go over and just sort of walk around waiting to be killed.  Thankfully, help arrives in the form of a Caterpiller Ex Machina!  The other guy has arrived with a group of Caterpillar machines to clear the brush away.  Keep an eye out for the random shots of the trucks as toys, by the way.  Our heroes stay, while the other guy returns home.  We time-jump to a year later & see the woman pregnant and home for Christmas.  All of a sudden, a branch on the tree turns killer.  Oh, so you also share the inexplicable, downer ending with Troll 2 too!  The End.

This movie sucks three times over!  The plot is silly and generic.  I mean, toxic waste creates a monster in a small town.  That's really all you've got?  Never mind the whole slew of confusing titles that don't really relate.  I guess you could argue that the vines 'creep' around, but how do they crawl?  In addition, what does the '.7' in Contamination .7 stand for?  That brings us to it's more infamous title- Troll 3.  Both Troll 2 and this film do have awkward acting, silly plots and monsters that aren't trolls.  Even so, to call these films related is a joke.  You might as well just call The Happening by this title- Lady in the Water 2.  After all, they're both M. Night films!  The biggest difference is this though: Troll 2 is a dumb, but fun movie.  It's so ludicrous and silly that you just can't help but laugh.  This film is just kind of dull.  Save for some funny bits of bad acting or effects, it's pretty listless.  If you want to laugh, watch Troll 2.  If you want to see a movie about barely-mobile vines killing rednecks, you need to re-evaluate your life choices.

Next up, I tackle a rip-off of Leprechaun that was Produced by the creators of Scooby-Doo.  I can't make this shit up!  Stay tuned...