'70s Trash: Blood Freak

You should already know that I hate this movie. I mean, it is my Litmus Test for how bad a movie can be. With that said, if you have not seen this movie or even heard about it in great detail, you need to. It is a bizarre piece of film history that shall never- I hope- be repeated. Of course, now watch McG remake it in 2013. The movie's plot and execution are beyond all logical belief. You will spend the whole movie thinking 'who thought that this was a good idea?!?' Of course, that's if you manage to stay awake during the first hour. I challenge you to stick with me, since I already sat through this piece of crap for you. This is...

Blood Freak

As the credits roll, a woman's car apparently runs into some trouble and she pulls off to the side of the road. Fortunately for her, a nice young man (co-director Steve Hawkes) on a motorcycle pulls up and helps her. In repayment, she invites her to come to her house, but not for what you think. You see, when the pair get there, they discover that the other sister is there with her druggie friends. The sister talks down to them and tells them that Jesus is the only drug they need. Okay, she doesn't really say that exactly, but that's pretty much the implication. Our hero- Herschell (ha ha)- proves to be the most boring man ever put on film as he just sort of stares at them. This 'hip young man' delivers some droning dialogue about how drugs aren't 'his bag' or some nonsense. The sound editing here is so crappy that you have to really focus to hear anything. Later on, this will prove to be a blessing. In spite of this reaction, he grows to be friends with the druggie sister, despite his protests about drug use. The good one gets the man a job at the dad's turkey farm. Yeah, this movie is boring, but it will get better...in a way.

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After all of his talk about not using drugs, Herschell eventually relents and smokes up. Say it ain't so! Not only that, but he has taken to recreational sex outside of marriage. That's a good enough segue to mention the other big problem with the film: the narrator (aka the co-director). The man randomly pops up in what appears to anyone's den from the 1970s and talks about Herschell's journey. To really ramp up the irony, the man talks about the dangers of drug addiction while constantly smoking. Near the end, he actually has a minute-long coughing fit, which was somehow kept in. I'd make a joke about them not knowing how to edit, but it is far too true! In spite of all of that, the man's job at the turkey farm is going well. A pair of scientists there- why they work there, I don't know- want to test an experimental turkey meat. Naturally, they choose to do it on poor Herschell via some 'free food.' He goes outside and passes out. When he wakes up, he has...a giant turkey head. I'm sorry, run that by me again.

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So yeah, he has a giant turkey head. As ridiculous as this is, the joke is killed by the movie's low-budget. As if to cover their stupid paper mache mask, they shoot all of his scenes in such a dark manner that you can barely see crap. You give us a funny effect and hide it? Screw you. Anyhow, Herschell's drug addiction causes a problem: a need for blood. You see, to get his fix, he *has* to kill drug addicts and drink their blood for sustenance. Go ahead- read that sentence again. Back now? Good. This is the only interesting part of the movie and boy, is it short! The guy grabs someone, kills them and immediately runs off for another. Either he is the world's worst vampire or the world's best! Incidentally, I should ask why he doesn't just use their drugs, but I guess I'm just being silly. After numerous kill scenes in the span of five to ten minutes, he indulges in one of the film's subplots involving a drug dealer going after Herschell's girlfriend. After having his way with her, the man is attacked by Herschell. He uses a power saw on the man's leg that is so powerful that blood appears before he cuts it! Oh yeah, the actor they used was a real amputee, which was sure helpful on the overhead costs. So, are you ready for the kicker?

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The sisters and their friends find out what is happening and decide to take drastic action. They confront turkey-headed Herschell and he can't control himself. He realizes the tragedy that his life has become and stops fighting. Mind you, I'm inferring this because he can only gobble and his face is an expressionless mask! They cut his head off...which causes him to wake up. That's right- it was all a dream! He realizes that he needs help, goes to rehab and ends up with the good sister. Screw you too, movie. The End.

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Yeah, that ending is a bitter pill to swallow. Mind you, the rest of the film is utter shit too. Most of it consists of bad writing performed on barely-audible recording equipment in dimly lit rooms. You have to wait nearly an hour for the turkey stuff and it is not worth it! Hearing him gobble is kind of funny, but the cheap mask kills any ability to emote. Mind you, Hawkes had all the personality of an over-cooked ham before this too. This movie is nothing but a vanity piece for him and is about as convincing as the 'young stud' in Season of the Witch (future review, I'm sure). This movie is not worth the time you will spend on it, no matter what its cult status is. Just take my word for it and go spend your time doing something more productive for an hour and a half. How about you just watch The Abominable Dr. Phibes? That movie is actually good.

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Next up, I celebrate Thanksgiving with a crappy horror film. In fairness, it is how I spend most holidays. Stay tuned...