Listen Bruno, just because you died in 2005 (R.I.P.) does not mean that I'm going to pull my punches. You made a career off of re-titling your movies as mainstream film sequels, so I have no reason to be nice. Today's feature is one of his collaborations with one of Hollywood's biggest screamers: Reb Brown. The man is famous for his angry yelling in such films as Space Mutiny and Robowar (also by Mattei) & his large physique. In fairness, he did have other qualities...that I will think of later. Today's movie is pretty much a showcase for both of those, not to mention Mattei's love of historical inaccuracy. It is chock full of shooting, explosions and manly-action. I should also mention that it is terrible. That said, let's jump right into...
The film begins with our hero leading a commando unit on a mission. Character introductions- screw that! The whole thing goes pretty well, unless you count the one guy who fails his stealth roll and gets shot, but they seem to take too long. A nearby military commander worries about them taking too long & sets off the explosives that they had already set there. Wait- why are you sending the Strike Commando team (yes, it's their name) in if you already set explosives in there? Anyhow, Reb tries to get his remaining men out, but the progressive series of explosions takes out all but our hero. Nice knowing you, reason for the title of the movie that has no meaning. Reb floats face-first down the river as the credits roll, apparently not drowning during this long journey. He ends up in a Vietnamese village who want him to be their hero. He refuses to kill a soldier- in spite of the chief's pleading whilst in white-face- but changes his tune a moment later when the old village chief from Yor (also starring Reb) talks to him. By the way, hearing the obviously Italian actor dubbed in as French- priceless.
*Our hero manages to lead the villagers to safety, save for one minor snag: the bad guys showing up. In the build-up, he makes a new friend in the tough-talking Lao and describes Disneyland as a place where 'popcorn grows on trees.' I love how quickly this film seems to venture into self-parody, although it does take my sting away a bit. We get some action and a scene of the 'French' man being killed by an evil Russian. Thanks for the cameo, beard-guy. We get some random action scenes, including a bit where Reb goes shirtless to dump some grenades on a gun-boat. You needed to do that part, why? Oh and his dramatic 'Rambo' moment comes when he puts...his shirt back on. We get even more randomness during the 'stealth kill' montage. In one quick bit, Reb is suddenly wearing a ghillie suit and then not wearing one. I guess he used the Superman phone booth in the jungle for that. He saves the day and is returned to the military base...but the movie is still going. They plan to make Reb into the hero that America needs to help win the Vietnam War, since apparently Rin-Tin-Tin was already booked. By the way, thanks for the help winning, Reb. He gets sent back into action, but quickly discovers that his rescue has not 'stuck.'
In one of the film's most heart-warming- and terrible- scenes, Reb shows up in time to talk to the dying 'Short Round,' apparently only being moved by his death and not the others. He rehashes the ridiculous bit about Disneyland, but does so while crying. I was crying too, but not in the way that the film intended. He takes out his rage properly by emptying the entire ammo content of a S.A.W. into a hut...and immediately being captured by thugs that just appear. Seriously, this is ridiculous even by Bruno Mattei logic! He befriends a fellow P.O.W. who delivers radio addresses against the troops, since he has broken under torture. Reb tries to encourage 'John McCain,' but only receives torture for his good deeds. The Russians- by the way, there are Russians helping the North Vietnamese here- decide to kill their tool after the torture montage (we get the 'pouring away water' scene, don't worry) and leave his dead body in Reb's tent. This makes him mad- shocking- and he manages to muster up enough manliness to escape. He blows away many nameless soldiers and extras & kidnaps the lone Russian woman. This leads us to the big fight between Reb and the Russian (who is clearly from Manilla). YouTube does this scene justice as no other website could. The scene abruptly cuts to 'The End of the War' and has a good general explain that the bad one (the guy who blow up Reb's friends) got away. Kind of a down-beat ending, but I can live with it. The...
Apparently, we have more movie. In a curious third act, Reb flies to Manilla (where the film was actually shot) and tracks down the general. Reb gunning down people outside of war would be bad if they were not all carrying AK-47s themselves. He blows up the General with his grenade launcher attachment and walks off into the...oh wait, the Russian is back, now with metal teeth. Reb kills 'Jaws' and delivers an ending line to us about how any similarity to people living or dead is a coincidence. Huh? The End.
Holy shit, this movie is hilariously bad. Where to begin? Reb yells all the damn time, flexes even more and acts in maybe three scenes. The whole monologue about Disneyland's mountains of cotton candy and wish-granting genies really just seals the deal. You want more? How about a battle that is at least 50% Vietnam War stock footage? How about Reb's running headbutt against the villain? This movie is the epitome of ridiculousness and demands to be seen. In fact, for once, here is how you can see it. Watch this piece of shit already and enjoy. By the way, here's a fun fact for you: Reb's female co-star in Space Mutiny is also his wife now. Eww, now I can't help but picture that. Plus, he works for a company that makes low-budget films and 'Dorf' movies. Oh, how the low have fallen...even further than making Bruno Mattei films and science-fiction rip-offs filmed in South Africa.
Up next, fear the muscular power of acting as Reb Brown teams up with Lou Ferrigno in a film about cage-fighting, Viet_nam & traumatic brain injuries. Stay tuned...