WTF Britain?!?: Bizarre (aka Secrets of Sex)

To preface this review, I would normally not watch a movie like this. You have to realize that the closest film to this (content-wise) that I have seen is Zeta-One. Assuming you ever read my review (cheap plug for my TGWTG reviews), you would know that I am not a fan. However, I had added this movie months ago to my Instant Viewing list and happened to check said list one night. Lo and behold, this movie was going to return to normal rental status and I figured that this one was my one shot. If I waited any longer, I would have to commit to this...thing. In hindsight, I should have just waited. There's no real setting up this movie that would make it logical, so here is...

Bizarre (aka Secrets of Sex)

The place...is Sumeria. No, I'm not doing a Holy Grail joke- it really is! The film begins with a parable (I guess) about a Princess who has a mysterious chest. After much consideration, she hands the key to it over to her new husband, but he is afraid. Finally, he has the thing buried deep under ground, which leads us to our title sequence. This is where we are introduced to our omnipresent narrator...a Mummy. Much like any generic comedian on a VH1 'Best Of' special, he is sitting down to tell us about the battle of the sexes. I will spare you the weird studio bits where the men and woman act like the gang from 'Beat It.' Let's jump right into the series of anthology tales...

*

First, we have a tale of a male model and two women photographers. They convince the guy to get tied up on some sort of weird see-saw horse thing for a shoot. They proceed to leave him there and go get lunch..which they show us in detail. The pair come back to find the man dead...from sitting, I guess & reveal that it was part of a plan. Now they have their shot. Huh?

*

A woman scientist is dating an older man who fascinates her. She is very successful and smart, but becomes convinced that she should have a child with this man. She gets pregnant one jump cut later, but dies in child birth. What's the message here?

*

A lady robber gets caught by a man, who decides to have sex with her. It's not rape, since she does nothing to dissuade him in any way. After a VERY long and ponderous scene, she goes to leave with some stuff of his. He stops her, but she explains that his story would not hold up, since they spent at least ten minutes of screen time having sex. Okay, so I'm still not getting a message here, movie.

*

A lady spy is recruited for a mission, but first, she has to watch a silent film with her partner. A vignette within a vignette? My brain hurts.

*

Said film is about people fighting and getting together in a hotel. If you thought dated British comedy was bad, wait until you see dated British comedy trying to masquerade as dated 'old-timey' comedy. The only jokes are the manager getting beaten up and people wearing mustaches or wigs to trick you into thinking that they are a different gender. Let's flee!

*

Back in our story...being told in this story, the spy goes to a party and meets her mark. She seduces him and tries to break into the safe where he keeps secrets when he is asleep. Once it is opened, however, he pushes her in, to reveal that the TARDIS-like safe has twenty-seven other women in it! Apparently, our heroine is spy #28 who has fallen for the same bit. How does any of that make sense?!?

*

Lastly- thank God- we get the tale of a lonely man hiring a hooker. She indulges his ideas until he explains that he wants his reptile friend to watch them. That is apparently too much for her- good that you have standards now- and she leaves, despite all of his pleas. She goes outside to see numerous people with lizards, which is supposed to imply that his wants are normal. No, they are still not! I think we're done here, guys.

*

This movie is...well, words don't quite do it justice. Nothing makes sense, nothing is really funny and nothing is exactly titillating. So it's a weird sex comedy that is neither funny, nor sexy. What is the appeal here? Mind you, I'm an American born in 1983, so maybe I'm just not supposed to get it. If so, good call on making your movie memorable for a long time, guys! Regardless of my age or ethnic background, the whole framing device makes no sense. Is the mummy supposed to have been in the box this whole time? If so, how did he see anything?!? If it's unrelated, why did you do all that set-up in the beginning? I've wasted too much time already on this crap, so don't waste any of yours.

*

Next on the agenda, a film I've been waiting all month to do! This film is brought to you by Italy's most renowned rip-off artists and stars Reb Brown. It should be...something. Stay tuned...