This is Sad: Hobgoblins 2

I apologize for not doing my original update that I had planned, but this just can't wait!

The original 1988 film Hobgoblins was just about the bottom of the barrel when it came to rip-off cinema. When you are put in the same category as Munchies, Mac & Me and Critters and are still considered to be shit, what does that say about you? It would have faded into complete obscurity had it not been for Mystery Science Theater 3000 (a fact admitted by the director in a special feature). More than ten years later, the man behind the camera- both as the writer and director- decided to bring the series back. Why? As he explains, all of the other Gremlins rip-offs like Munchies and such had sequels, so why not his? Seriously, that's all he's got! On top of that, he is working off of a rewritten script he had planned to make shortly after the first one, only for it to be delayed for Vice Academy 2. Yeah, let's just get this over with. This is...

The film begins by re-introducing us to our heroes from the first film. They are dressed the same (i.e. the camouflage shirt for the tough guy and the horrible skirt for the slutty girl), but barely resemble their counterparts. Hell, the guy playing the lead is a blond, when the original one had brown hair! Anyhow, these people are visiting an Asylum as part of their Abnormal Psychology class. Their professor is also one of the head doctors there, which you think would be a conflict of interest. We meet the random supporting characters, including our bald security guard and the receptionist with hair from the 1940s. They meet the crazy people, including one guy who randomly just cuts off one of his fingers. They are also introduced to a man who is supposed to be the security guard from the first film, who got put into the place for blowing up his old work place in an attempt to kill some monsters. This is a realistic touch, save for the fact that our heroes suddenly don't know who he is! Isn't this a sequel? Tell me that I'm not watching a remake-quel! The point of all of this is to say that the Hobgoblins are loose again. How? Who the hell cares?!? Our writer sure didn't!

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This is how everything works now: the Hobgoblins appear when you call their name three times, a la Bloody Mary or Beetlejuice. Rather than making you die in your best fantasies, they can, instead, summon your worst fears. Of course, they mostly just jump on your face and cause you to roll around on the ground. It's been twenty years, by the way, so some things have changed. For example, the nerdy guy is now addicted to a porn website, as opposed to a phone sex line. That's good, since nobody ever uses phone sex lines anymore...except for the ones advertised at 3 AM on Comedy Central. The slutty girl is exactly the same, except that she loves dancing and scary movies. The monsters make their first move by attacking the doctor after he calls their names out in his office. The only problem is that he did it about five minutes earlier and nothing happened- good continuity! Our heroes have an unfunny scene at home- including a bit where they tease re-doing the rake fight- that I will skip save for mentioning our first new Hobgoblin shot. Nothing has changed about them!

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I will skip a lot for you, since I would like to keep your sanity. Our hero gets attacked by them when he summons them while driving...for some reason. He rescues the old man from the Asylum and leaves the doctor to die after calling the monsters- my hero! Arriving at home, the old man tells them that they must face their fears, call the monsters and then defeat them to make them go away. Nice plan...or you could just not call them again! The prude girl faces her fear of dolls- don't ask- and is saved. The nerdy guy cuts his credit card, which makes the internet porn star (who is never topless BTW) choke him through the giant CRT monitor. Our hero smashes the monitor, causing bad overlay effects to appear and saves him. The military guy goes outside and kills one monster with a chainsaw (not shown) after revealing his discharge for cowardice. Lastly, the slutty girl faces her fear of horror movies (she had been lying), which consists of a Hobgoblin appearing, her stabbing it and the dream ends. For some reason, the fire from her fear became real and burned their house down. This leaves the prude girl in her dance outfit from the first film...for some reason. They live happily ever after, except for the fact that they are homeless. The End.

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Why oh why did I rent this movie? Why must I torture myself for your amusement? Mind you, if you were forced to watch this movie, I would be laughing. So yeah, this movie sucks. Like Blood Feast II, it is obsessed with being camp, not realizing how bad of an idea it is. Making a sequel campy in this style just kills the joke! I even skipped all the jokes in the movie about them watching or having watch Hobgoblins 2. Plus, the nerdy guy has a poster for the original film...that he was supposed to be in! The humor is awful, the acting is worse and the plot is even worse still! It's not funny, scary or entertaining. It is full of ironically-anachronistic attire (wow, I did use that word twice) and sets, which is supposed to be funny. This movie is just 100% fail as the hip young kids would say. I will leave you with a moment from the DVD itself that expresses my feelings...
Are you ready for a week of Radu and company? Get ready for lots of blood and lots of Romania. Stay tuned...