First and foremost, I really don't care for Rob Zombie. When he was making music in the 90s, it was alright. It was never something that I got all that excited about, but it wasn't terrible. All of a sudden, he becomes a movie director and remakes The Texas Chainsaw Massacre, only he calls it The House of 1,000 Corpses. Also, as an aside, I counted far less than 1,000 there, Rob! Next, he remade Texas Chainsaw Massacre 2, but called it The Devil's Rejects. He has followed this up with remaking Friday the 13th under the title of Halloween and Halloween II. So, needless to say, my expectations were not high when I read about his cartoon movie based on a comic book that I had never read. Was I right or surprisingly-wrong? Find out in my review of...
Our movie begins with a masked man acting as a casting director for a film. He shamelessly oggles the woman with big breasts, while rejecting such broad celebrity parodies as Roseanne, Jeaneane Gorafalo and...Katherine Hepburn? Dude, she's been dead for years by the time you started making this movie (2007), so how is that topical? Anyhow, his film turns out to be a porno, giving us our first- but not last- shot of giant boobs drawn in Flash. During a scene full of bad dialogue, two of the women involved turn into monsters (one a vampire and one a werewolf), but they get killed. This brings us to our title screen, but my hope is pretty much dead. We are introduced to the rest of the cast, none of whom exactly have any positive character traits. The evil Dr. Satan is a cross between Dr. Thaddeus Venture and a devil that you find on hot sauce labels. Along with his forcibly-intelligent ape sidekick (not named Ape), he plans to find a marked girl, marry her and become all-powerful. How is she marked? With a big '666' on her ass, of course. With this film, were you expecting anything else?
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In addition to Superbeasto, we also have a heroine. She is his adopted sister, wears skin-tight leather and has an eye-patch. She fights all sorts of monsters alongside her robot Murray, who is sexually-attracted to her, but she ignores his 'needs'. Remind me again why this is supposed to be endearing in any way? Throughout the film, the narrative will simply stop for a scene of her fighting Nazi zombies. Not that I have anything against the killing of Nazi zombies, but this adds nothing to the story. You can leave some things out when adapting an entire series, Rob! Superbeasto falls for a foul-mouthed stripper (Rosario Dawson, doing a fairly racist accent), but she has the mark! The ape kidnaps her, but she leaves a trail of half-smoked cigarettes leading up to the villain's lair. She is initially upset, but changes her tune when she realizes that she would get half of Dr. Satan's fortune. Mind you, she is still a filthy whore. Our hero calls his half-sister for help, which prompts her to come to the bar and shoot/beat up every random horror character who has a cameo. By the way, cameos are the substitutes for jokes here- enjoy!
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It all escalates and leads to a big scene where our heroes try to stop the wedding. They bicker the whole time and work too late. They also do a scene ripping off Carrie, which is followed by a song entitled 'Why did you rip off Carrie?' That does not make it alright! Dr. Satan turns into a giant version of himself and begins to wreak havoc. This, naturally, is put over the 'wreaking havoc' song. Superbeasto and his sister challenge him, which leads to Satan revealing his deep-seated love for the girl. Cue the pointless and silly catfight between the sister and the whore, which the latter loses. Angered by her constant complaining, Satan stomps the woman, which undoes the power he gained. This is mentioned in the Magic Journal, which prompts our hero to take the time & complain about the film's bad writing. For once, I agree with you! The whole thing ends happily, with Dr. Satan beaten up, the ape getting the whore, the robot getting the girl and Superbeasto singing 'Working for the Weekend.' Okay, it's not all happy for us. The End.
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This movie sucks for so many reasons. It is full of pop culture references, but no real jokes. Oh look, the monster from This Island Earth is the Priest. That's neat, but is it a joke? No! Even having two cameos by Dr. Phibes himself (once as the organist at the wedding) can save this movie. I get that it is tongue-in-cheek, but it is painfully so. That thing is in there so hard that I can taste my ear on the other side! Some of the voice acting is not bad and it is full of good performers (i.e. Tom Kenny and Harlan Williams). On the flip side, it features Tom Papa doing a terrible Will Ferrell impression (methinks that they wanted another actor...) and Sherri Moon Zombie (of course!) as the sister, doing the worst and most nasally voice I have ever heard. Picture the voice of Batman's Harley Quinn, only done by someone who can't voice-act. The worst part is that there are so many other terrible jokes that I passed over. Which is worse: the cat with giant metal balls (really) or the song during the cat-fight about how 'it is okay to masturbate to cartoons?' You decide- but we all lose. Your opinion may differ than mine, but, simply by having a blog, mine is more important.
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Next on the agenda, Indonesia's time is up. It is time to review a film that has been a long time coming. Boy meets girl, girl becomes harbinger of evil and girl shoots up cops. Stay tuned...
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