The film begins with a quick establishment of the setting. It is thick, wet and covered in fur- how inviting. The first thing that comes to mind when you watch this is every fantasy film set in the time of Vikings ever made. You want to be taken seriously, but you are making me think about Erik the Viking?!? Our story revolves around a mysterious island that is inhabited by an unseen monster. Well, it has been seen, but all of those who did were also killed. So, it's only unseen in the technical sense. The King and his second-in-command lead an attack force against the beast, but this goes badly. The King is captured and his lackey flees in terror. On the plus side, he can go back to his betrothed (the King's daughter) and become King. Hey, wait a minute...I think he has an ulterior motive. Our heroine, being a strong and independent woman, goes with a small force to the island to free her dad. She defies the manipulative man in her life and...gets captured. Sorry, false Feminism Alert, people. Nothing to see here.*
She becomes the prisoner of the evil beast, while her father is returned to the island. He actually turns out to be pretty nice. I guess it was hard to see that side of him while he was stabbing people in the face. He goes through mood swings, however, and acts more animalistic at times. It must be his monster time of the month. Eventually, we learn that there is a reason for the man's affliction. He was cursed by the all-mighty Odin to wander the island and kill people. As it turns out, he is actually the former beau of our heroine. Wait a second. She's a beauty and he's a beast. You made me wait all this time for a Viking version of Beauty and the Beast?!? Screw you, movie!
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You aren't missing anything if I end here, don't worry.
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Oh my god, what a terrible movie experience. The movie is dull, low-budget and uninspired. This would only be a little bad if it were sold as what it is. Instead, the movie is sold as a high-fantasy action film. You could not be any more wrong. When you dress up a version of a well-worn story (with no twists or updates) as something interesting, that is the definition of fail. No matter how hard they want it to be, the movie will never be this...
Up next, a film that was suggested. Should I shoot the messenger or actually take his advice more often? Stay tuned...
Wow, I NEVER thought anyone would actually see this one, but I would have to say this review is the single most expected review I have read all night. Part of me was hoping for "This film isnt anything at all like Beauty and the Beast, and is actually badass and people get face raped with arrows then skull fucked until they die a deadly death!!1"
ReplyDeleteGuess we better check out Witches of the Caribbean for that action.
I can tell you that I only saw this because a friend of mine was like 'man, this movie has a great cover!' I did not hold out much hope. Even so, I expected a bad Beowulf rip-off, not Beauty and the damn Beast.
ReplyDeleteThis is the same man who paid money for Dolph Lundgren's 'Detention' and Christopher Lambert's 'The Sicilian' though...