Friday, October 16, 2009

Father Ted: The Corpse Grinders

Just for the record: Ted V. Mikels is a terrible director. This man has made several films over the last forty years and I have yet to see a good one. Most MST-ies will known him as the guy who made The Girl in the Gold Boots. Last year, I watched a film of his that will probably come as a review some time next month entitled The Doll Squad, his attempt to emulate Charlie's Angels. Internet fans may also know him as the man who made Female Slaves Revenge, a movie that seems to have only been made to satisfy his fetish for having woman step on him. Now that your expectations are set properly low, I can go in-depth on his most famous opus...
Our film begins with a couple sitting around watching television. Hey Ted, recall the film-making lesson about 'hooking your audience.' This does go somewhere as the woman finally stops ignoring her cat's cries and goes outside. Suddenly, the thing leaps on her and begins to scratch her. Her boyfriend manages to tear it away and the title appears. Our story cuts to a factory that is occupied by some of the ugliest people on God's green Earth. One of them is a deaf and dumb janitor woman who looks like a real version of Carol Burnett's cartoon avatar. Eventually, our two villains come into the tale: the two heads of a cat food company. Ooh, scary! Their problem is that supply is not keeping up with demand. Oh, to have such problems these days! One of them is a bit more evil-sounding, while the other is money-grubbing. What are two lovely characters to do? Why hire a pair of freaky people (one of whom looks like Peter Jackson circa Bad Taste) to steal corpses for you, of course! These people are also extremely ugly and unlikable, so let's move on to our leads. They are a pair of medical professionals that are practically ripped right out of General Hospital...or it's low-rent Canadian version. They learn that something is up when her cat randomly attacks the man. Time to investigate!
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The movie gets a little aimless at this point, picking and choosing which plot threads are more important. Should we focus on the animal attacks? Nah, that's too interesting. Should we focus on the two people putting people in the cat food processing machine- always at night- and turning them into what is clearly peanut butter? Okay, but not for too long. How about we focus on the creepy couple's home-life and the woman's obsession with pretending that a doll is real? Yeah, let's go with that! That's where the money is. Mind you, we do get some cat kills, but they are not the focus here. We also get a bit of investigation from our two heroes, but mostly it is told indirectly. For example, 'Oh, did you hear about the person that got killed by their cat?' 'Oh yes, I did.' Yeah, that's a replacement for actual plot events. A running theme is the villain's refusal to pay the guy who steals the corpses. He keeps delaying the man until he finally pulls a gun on him. Oddly, the man smiles and pays up. Oh wait, he pulls his own gun and kills him. Bi-polar much? This leads us to the silliest chase scene in history as the young man cannot catch the old crone woman as she mildly jogs away. About three minutes later, he finally shoots her. No rush there, buddy!
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The movie builds up to its finale in a pretty lame way. After one attempt at sneaking in together, the female half of the couple decides to do it on her own the next night. I should also mention that the first try was broken up by the two villains showing up and saying 'go away.' As she comes in, the one man is feeding the two grave-robbers into the machine, making more peanut butter. Also to note: the 'meat grinding result' scene is always the same shot. By all means, don't do two or three versions of it, Ted. One of them captures the girl and prepares her for the machine. Despite never doing this before, he rips her blouse open before starting the machine. The other guy shows up, yells at him and kills his comrade. Why? He just wants to not split the money. Her boyfriend comes in, but gets a gun held on him. Thankfully, random unexplained plot guy comes to help them. Throughout the film, they have shown him following the two villains, but nothing more. Despite the man firing several shots and the other firing only one, our villain dies. The day is saved...although the cat food is still out there. Want to resolve that plot thread, Ted? I guess not. The End.
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Yeah, this movie is not good. After my introductory paragraph, you probably already suspected as much though. There are maybe five real sets in the movie, not counting the graveyard. The acting is about as good as you suspected. The good guys are as dull as dirt & often seem to be reading off cue cards. The bad guys have no personality other than 'Rawr, I'm evil!' You get to briefly see the grave-robber act normal, but only when confronted with a gun. The special effects are practically non-existent. People are put on the machine by the eponymous villains and turned into 'meat.' I already covered this, but, yeah, it looks bad. I wonder if Ted V. Mikels has ever seen meat be processed. I should also mention that the people are all clothed when they are put in, making the whole thing even less sanitary! There is actually a sequel to this movie made in 2000, a good 29 years after this film! If it ever comes back into print, I may review it. Although, given how every Mikels film has been, I'm in no rush.
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If you still want to see the movie, check out the link while it still works: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=a8zEa-wJvN4
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More Blockbuster Trash is coming. This time, it's a movie that promises you medieval knights in New York and gives you...Isaac Hayes. Stay tuned...

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