Millennial Trash: Spliced (aka The Wisher)

A Film so forgettable that I nearly didn't remember to review it.  No joke- I took my Screen Caps after I watched it...and forgot.  This is Spliced, a 2002 Horror Film that is often known under another name.  The Film is also called The Wisher, which is the name of a Film within a Film.  I'm going with Spliced, since it is on the Title card here.  The Title is a weird one.  I guess it sort of/kind of makes sense.  Even so, it doesn't represent the Film like The Wisher does.  The Plot involves a Movie that might be cursed, a sad teenage girl and the Brother of a sort-of famous person.  Who is the killer?  Why are they doing what they're doing?  Why is Ron Silver in this?  The Film comes to us from Gavin Wilding, which sounds like one of Roger's fake names on American Dad.  It is the final Film in a 4-Film Set I got that included John Carpenter's final- so far- Film, an even worse version of Carnival of Souls and a Found Footage Film with an Oliver Stone cameo.  Will this complete the set in a good or bad way?  To find out, read on...

A sour-looking brunette has to deal with her sleepwalking that seems to be set off by watching Horror Films.

She just needs a creative outlet like Reviewing them and pretending that anyone ever reads them.

The School Counselor is Ron Silver, who just kind of sleepwalks through things. 

I mean, he's still the best Actor here, but you can tell that he doesn't give a s--t.  Blame him?

A controversial Horror Film called 'The Wisher' comes to Town.  Despite agreeing not to watch Horror Films, our Heroine goes anyhow.

 In her defense, she had to see 'The Wisher' here.  I mean, look at the lone alternative!!!

She gets freaked out during an early moment and has to leave.

Her Dad finds out about her being there and goes to take her home.  It's alright- she's NOT watching Halloween Resurrection!

He dies in a car wreck.

After a time jump, the girl tries to get on with her life.  However, conflict keeps arising and she finds out that what she 'wishes' for out loud (by an open window) keeps coming true.

First it is the School nearly burning down and then it is her 'friend' getting slashed up.

Playing amateur detective, our Heroine goes to her never-before-seen friend who works at the Theater.  He lets her handle one of the actual Film Reels- as you do- and she finds a subliminal message (or two).

It was spliced in, I guess, so the Title works...kind of.

Our Heroine and her friend eventually realize that they need to know how The Wisher was stopped in the Film...which they didn't finish.

This leads to an extended climax involving them downloading a copy of the Film online...while it is still out...in 2002.

They also try to play the Film in a Viewer while it is downloading and skip to the end.  What?!?

They fail, but, well, just attack the killer until he goes down.

It was...the weird guy they showed twice.  Worst Scooby-Doo Episode Ever!

We get the 'Character explains the Plot' bit with Silver saying that the kid was influenced by the subliminal messaging like a few others nationwide were.

In the final Scene, her Sister sneaks down some months later to watch The Wisher on Cable and...The Wisher appears?!?

Failed Sequel Bait and a nonsensical twist- two for one crap!  The End.

Easily forgettable and kind of dumb.  My friend summed it up pretty well when he saw the climax with me- This is just a Scooby-Doo Episode.  I mean, basically.  It has some elaborate setup- girl has sleepwalking night terrors, movie comes to town, movie inspires killer/stalker- but ultimately just turns into 'Old Man Jenkins?!?' by the end.  The bit where Ron Silver just flat-out explains why the killer did what he did is the worst part.  You set it all up and then you STILL explained it to us like we're 5 year old kids at a Puppet Show.  Yes, Psycho did it- only due to Studio mandate, mind you.  So, basically, the Plot involves a girl freaking out over a subliminal message and the same message inspires a classmate to go crazy and stalk her.  It just happens that the Lead in the Film looks like her.  It just happens that the House in the Film looks just like her's.  That all syncs up, no?  The whole thing revolves around her standing near open windows or outdoors and 'wishing' for things to happen.  The stalker/killer has to always be there, even if that means hiding in a tree (in broad daylight) by her bedroom window.  I assume he's always dressed like The Wisher too, since every time we see him stalk her later he is.  So does nobody in Town see that?!?  The whole thing is just silly and self-serious.  It gets close to being 'so bad it is good,' but doesn't quite stick the landing.  It does however, feature a(n intentionally?) silly Film within a Film that is concluded with a man attacked by a (Wishing) Tree.  Why am I getting flashbacks again?

***Which is better?***

Next time, I cover a recent $1 purchase with a promising cover.  You know that is going to be so great, right?  Stay tuned...

Rare Flix: Beyond the Doors (aka Down on Us) {1984}

I just can't get enough of Larry Buchanan.

Well, that's a lie.  I just didn't want to forget to watch and review this for another 5 years after this happened last time.  When I did his pair of 'Documentaries' back in 2015, I found this on YT.  The good news- it's still there.  The bad news- it's still there!

This is the confusing half-real, half-fake, all-bad Film known as Beyond the Doors...

In the Cold Open, a man is shot by his friends while hunting.  Insert Dick Cheney Joke here.

This guy is in all of the Larry Buchanan Films.  Joy.

His kids learn that he worked for the CIA.  The Mom tells that he had hidden in the house.  The code is the son's birthday.

Yeah, nobody could crack that!

What secrets do his notes (which literally go up to the day before his death) hold?

We learn that he was in charge of monitoring people from the 'Counter Culture' after Nixon became President.  His main targets included Jimi Hendrix and Janis Joplin (for starters).

The Film straight up invents moments like this where they meet and hang out.

It also can't block its shots and you can see the top of the cheap-ass sets.

Another target is Jim Morrison.  His not-so-similar look-alike does his best to spout things that sound like Poetry, but has none of the gravitas or depth that The Lizard King had.

It is also worth noting that this Film picks a clear part of History to be set in- specifically Morrison's low point where he put on weight, grew out his beard and got morose.

...or he just kind of has stubble...a little bit.

*The top is from the Film.  The bottom is from real life*

The Film- which runs for nearly 2 hours- meanders through 'slice of life' moments involving all three performers, interspersed with non-licensed sound-similar-but-not-really songs.

All of them are filmed in the same, cheap Studio Set.  That even includes 'recreations' of famous moments like Hendrix doing The Star Spangled Banner at Woodstock.  

The likeness is uncanny.

* It helps to not know the history of the people whom you are watching a Film about *

The *hook* of the Film comes at around the 80 minute mark when we learn that the deaths of these Famous People were brought about by the CIA.

Yes, they had to drug the known-drug-users and go beyond the call by...

1) Breaking into their Rooms

2) Tapping the Hotel Phones

3) Making fake calls

4) Pretending to be Ambulance Drivers

Oh and apparently injecting something- presumably heroin- into Janis Joplin's oranges to create an overdose.

Mind you, Joplin had a $1300 a day Heroin habit, but this is what really did it!

In a twist, Morrison escapes a possible CIA hit (although he seems to be unaware of it).

Back in the present of 1984, the Son finally gets done reading the papers and goes to the Spanish Hospice where Morrison fled to.

Will he see Morrison and tie this all together?

Nope- Morrison died (off-camera) in 1974.  The End.

A long trip that doesn't really pay off that much.  So I think you need to know what the state of this Film is before I summarize.  The Film has no Blu-Ray release.  The Film has no DVD release.  A VHS rip exists on YouTube and has for many, many years.  That should tell you alot right there.  The actual Film clocks in at just under 2 hours and has no right to.  It spends so much time on nonsense and Musical Numbers that it drags.  Actually, saying it drags is almost putting it too nicely.  It grinds to a crawl for most of the runtime.  They make sure that you see a woman lecture Hendrix on him not speaking out politically.  They make sure you see him meeting with the two ladies who would make plaster casts of Rock Stars' *ahem* members.  They make sure that you see Jim Morrison making out with a lady in the Women's Restroom while Janis Joplin waits outside.  If you cut these non-sequitur bits and many of the Musical Numbers, you'd reach a far better runtime.  The hook of this is seeing the last twenty minutes really.  It wasn't worth it all that much.  After Bob and I watched this, we spent far too long discussing how little sense the supposed CIA Plots made.  If he wants to, he can share some of them- I just don't have the space for ranting.  The Actors playing the famous people are, at best, alright.  Fake Hendrix works, while Fake Morrison does not even remotely work.  Fake Joplin is okay, but we don't get to see what we need to make the tale feel properly-tragic.  Really late in the Film, they try with Hendrix and Joplin, which feels weird.  No sale.  This was Larry Buchanan's second-to-last Film- good.  If you want to track it down, there's some morbid curiosity to it, but good luck making it past the first 30 minutes...  

Next up, it is either Anime or Horror- just not both.  I'm not sure where I'll go at this point, so enjoy the mystery.  Stay tuned...

Impossibly-Cool Cover Art: Merlin's Shop of Mystical Wonders

When your Film shows up on MST3K faster than any Film ever, you know it ain't good.

Just don't tell it to the people who made this Poster for the haphazard Horror Anthology/Kid's Film you know and loathe...

...Damn!

A Wizard!

A Fairy!

A Dragon!

A...Gnome, I think!?!

...oh right, they aren't in this.  It is just Ernest Borgnine telling his Grandson Horror Stories for some reason.

Here's the original...

It is glorious, but it is a bit washed-out, no?

I got you covered, Poster!  You keep being awesome (and a lie)!

Old School TV: One Step Beyond- 'The Sacred Mushroom'

In what is basically a one-off, the Show breaks from the norm and goes Documentary.  It's about, well, no SPOILERS just yet...

This one is all about Magic Mushrooms.

Back in 1961, you were allowed to ingest possibly-drug-laced plants.
In 2020, I get Truth Ads every 5 minutes.

Our Host John Newland shows up as himself and tells us that he's going to Mexico to try said Mushrooms, since they allegedly grant you ESP.

He brings the best and the brightest.

It's like Grey Gardens Goes to Mexico.

He's brought the Author of a real Book about how this all supposedly works.

At least one thing is real here.

After returning from Mexico, Newland sits down with the Author and takes said Magic Mushrooms.

Rod Sterling stuck to cigarettes.

Will the Mushrooms give him ESP?

No.

This is an interesting Episode for many reasons.  Every other Episode of the Show- as far as I know- is a narrative.  Newland appears to intro the Story, sometimes shows up in the middle and then wraps up at the end.  Here he is now himself and he's just kind of in the whole thing.  The only made-up story here is the one people choose to believe about the mushrooms.  For the record, they are delicious and good for you, but that's it.  I just pretend to be responding to what you are going to say- it is not a special power.  Given that this was made in 1961 and a good transfer isn't available- for some reasons-, it isn't the easiest watch.  It still is neat to see Newland and company just being themselves for once.  As always, Newland is great.  Can you imagine other Hosts from this Period being willing to ingest Magic Mushrooms AND to let you Film them doing it?  Hell, can you imagine Hosts NOW being willing to do it?  Props to you, Newland.  The Episode is a fun outlier and gives me less intentional laughs than other Episodes that hinge so much on ESP and the like to drive them.  I have The Very Best of One Step Beyond, which contains 50 out of the Show's 96 Episodes.  This one is not on it.  Sad.  At least this bit of historical record still survives... 

A very different, very interesting Episode.  Given quality available, just be content to get lots of audio fuzz and buzzing.

Quick Review: Atlantic Rim- Resurrection

Tubi is a double-edged sword of Free Streaming Content.  On one hand, they have lots of Rifftrax.  On the other hand, they have lots of Asylum Films.  For instance...

Do you remember Atlantic Rim?

Well, you don't really have to, other than giant Monsters and nobody seemingly prepared for them returning.

Speaking of not returning, no returning Actors.  Sorry, Graham.

This guy on a Boat- whose name they can't even get right- discovers some underwater activity, signaling the return of the creatures.

Well, that or completely different creatures, since the Not Kaiju are nothing like the previous Film's.

The only hope is to call in vaguely-ethnic Tom Welling here to get the new Mechs working.

They also go to one of the many Caves in the Mountains surrounding MIAMI to prep the devices.

Can a new wave of Pilots (since the old ones are...gone, I guess) take on the creatures?

Will they fall for the 'creature is totally dead...no, it's not' trick more than twice?

On the plus side, they made Mech Piloting look more like an eSport than anything physically-taxing.

With only a passing knowledge of how Pacific Rim: Uprising would turn out (pretty much just the Trailer), how close do they get?

Will this one succeed where the meh Sequel failed?  

To find out, stream it on Tubi or somewhere else..I don't care.  I'm not your boss!

If there was a point when they were making better Films, it seems to have passed.  This one was easier to sit through, since I at least had some company.  If nothing else, hearing Bob be confused by the Plot seems to help.  There's both too much Plot and not enough here.  The Film has too many Characters to juggle in a short amount of time.  To recap, we have 3 Pilots, the General, his 3 Military Helpers (one of whom is the guy from Ballistica), the Wife and Daughter of Ballistica guy, the Lead Scientist, the Lady Scientist and the guy in the Boat.  The Wife and Daughter play the all important role of being on the ground constantly in danger...until they aren't.  For the final part, the danger is all gone thanks to some Plot developments.  So when they are rescued, there's no tension or exhalation moment since they were just waiting safely behind a locked door.  So close...to nothing happening.  Speaking of happening, the Plot says that this is Miami.  Ah yes, Miami is known for its famous Freeway, Mountains and Cliffs!  It is California- they barely try to hide it.  Even after watching Los Angeles subbing in for Scotland, this is still bad.  Don't go to Bronson Canyon if you are set in Florida!  If you're here for the silly spectacle, you get it...just not enough.  They make you wait for the payoff and it's...pretty underwhelming.  The Mech Action is just kind of there.  Pacific Rim: Uprising was a pretty soulless cash grab for its Chinese Investors and Studio.  I guess you can't argue that this Film lacks soul, not with this lady overacting the hell out of every Scene she's in!

Pretty silly when it is trying to be serious, dull when it is trying to be tense and uninspired all around.  It is barely-passable Saturday Morning fluff.

My New Thing: The 'Not for Retail Sale' Collection

I didn't go looking for this, but it has fallen into my lap.

At one Thrift Store, I found a normal-looking DVD in a thing, paper sleeve.  
Seems normal enough.

...except that it was apparently a Promo DVD.

The idea was that Stores and other Vendors would get them and decide to order copies.

How a bunch of these- I only bought one, but there must have been 6 or 7- ended up where I found them is anyone's guess.

But wait- there's more!

At the same Store (just earlier), I found a normal enough-looking VHS for the '80s Classic Road House.

Why would I buy it?

...this is why.

This was apparently sent to Video Stores (RIP) back in 1989 to promote the sale/rental of the Film.

It has a little bit at the beginning suggesting ideas for 'Road House Parties' that Stores could run to promote the new Release.

I don't see this on Amazon, so it could be worth anywhere between $2 and $2,000.  

My newest entry comes from a different Store- lest you think said unnamed Thrift Store is a 'gold mine.'

It is a Screening Cassette for Poltergeist: The Legacy, a barely-remembered TV Show on Showtime.

This worked basically like the previous ones mentioned.  It is notable for being a VHS release, despite it being from 1997.

Yes, they were still making them into around 2004, but still.  This is how you want to promote sales of the Show?

As a bonus, I bought Poltergeist: The Legacy's 1st Season- on DVD- from a different Store on the same day.

I guess that Tape worked!

Do you have any of these?  Let me know!

VHS for the Win: The Crater Lake Monster

In the past, I've talked about the Movie.

I've also talked about its most famous Poster.  It features a creature that looks like a T-Rex in a lake.
It's weird.

Naturally, there's another and it's...kind of awesome.

Is this from the Movie?

Is that creature in the background kind of silly?

Probably no and definitely yes.

Either way, this makes you want to see the Film, doesn't it?

Mission accomplished.  Now go out and buy some more VHS Tapes...dammit.

4,200th Post Celebration!: The Top 19 Worst Films of Mondo Bizarro- 2009 to 2019!

This is the big one!

I went through my listings of the Worst Films of Previous Years to cherry pick the best of the worst.  So many bad Films to choose from!

I can't guarantee that every Year will be represented in the final List, but they definitely got some contenders.

Dishonorable Mentions:  Uli Lommel's Black Dahlia, We Are the Strange, Offspring,  Beware! Children At Play, The New York Centerfold Massacre, Pocahauntus AND Dating A Zombie

19. The Fat Spy: A Film so bad that I kept it at home just to keep it out of circulation.  I realize how little that helps, but I did it all the same.

It's an unfunny Comedy with bad Acting and it looks cheap.  Bad Comedies are usually the worst things in the World.  It's hard to imagine that Jane Mansfield did this, but somehow thought Hillbillys in a Haunted House was too bad.

18. The Skeleton Key 2- 667- Neighbor of the Beast: Will I ever go back to try and finish this?  It has to be a Worst of the Worst one, maybe.

I tried watching the Film, but it gave you no setup for its weird nonsense.  I remember a Genie.  Lots of POV Exposition.  It gets so pointlessly META while explaining nothing that I haven't touched it for 10 years!

For comparison, I have rewatched the #3 pick (to compare the Cuts) and the #2 pick (with Rifftrax).

17. Revenge of the Living Dead Girls: A knock off of something that wasn't actually that great- joy.

This is a faux Sequel to a French Horror Film.  That one involved a woman dying, but coming back when exposed to chemicals and killing people.  It inspired a Rob Zombie song.

This one has 3 ladies dying from drinking poisoned milk and killing people.  On the plus side, it does hold historical importance as MY first Project Terrible Review.

16. The Human Race: A terrible Film and a bad pun- almost worth it!

This bizarre Film has an interesting (in theory) premise- run a race or die!  It gets really dumb and morose with it, of course, ruining the whole thing.  That's even before giant Angels (or something) show up...maybe.

15. Roar: If the ranking was based on how bad it was to shoot the Film, this would be #1.

A wrong-headed, right-hearted man wanted to show you that we could live and interact with jungle cats.  As such, he made a Movie where his FAMILY was surrounded by these Apex Predators at all times.  Many people were wounded, his Stepdaughter needed plastic surgery and Jan De Bont (yes, the guy from Twister) was scalped.

It's not even a very good Film regardless of this.

14. The Twilight Series: Low hanging fruit.

On one hand, I could have made this just a Dishonorable Mention.  On the other hand, I watched all of the Films (out at the time) for Project Terrible and the other guy never did his Films.  As such, I suffered alone for no reason.

13. Star Wreck: In the Pirkinning: A Film so bad I also made Bob watch it.  I'm a good friend.

This is actually the 6th Film in a Series (which explains why the Plot is confusing), but the only one on DVD.  It is a Parody of Star Trek and Babylon 5.

The Effects are mostly bad, but the Plot and Characters are just irredeemable, so why bother watching?

12. Old Mother Riley Meets the Vampire: The combo of Bad Comedy and sad performance by Actor who could do better.

In 1952, Bela Lugosi went to London to play Dracula again.  The Play bombed and he was now 'stuck' in England.  To pay for his trip home, he agreed to be the bad guy in this Film, wherein he'd riff on Dracula and his role in The Phantom Creeps.

He's fine in this.  The Lead in Drag- clearly inspiring Tyler Perry- is awful and nothing else is good either.

11. Homoti: Project Terrible continues to live up to its name!

This is one of the many E.T. knockoffs, but also one of the worst.  It is the 2nd Turkish E.T Film to boot!  Its suit is terrible, its Plot is boring and it just kind of sucks.

Bonus- the YouTube upload only has Subtitles for the first 10 minutes.

10. Hobgoblins 2: The Sequel to a Film I'm paying to see in a Theater for the first time ever.

Whenever I get to see Rifftrax do Hobgoblins, it will be better than this.  The Writer/Director is back due to 'every other Gremlins rip-off getting Sequels,' so we all get to suffer.

It's mostly a confusing rehash with slight updates- online dating in place of phone sex lines- and even less humor.  On the plus side, I got to tell the Director on Facebook that I would willingly pay to get his Hobgoblins 3 Script and keep it from being made.  Good times.

9. Astro-Zombies M3 and M4: I at least had company to suffer through these.

Decades after the original Astro Zombies, the late Ted V. Mikels came back for Mark of the Astro-Zombies.  He got enough money/interest/moxie to make 2 more.

As Bob can attest, they are both confusing, sometimes boring messes of Films that call back to even more obscure stuff like The Doll Squad.

8. Live Freaky, Die Freaky: This was abusing Sharon Tate's legacy before it was cool!

This Dark Comedy is a claymation nightmare about the Sharon Tate/La Bianca Murders.  You're supposed to laugh at this?  They make Tate look awful here and I don't know why.  It's tasteless and just not funny.

7. Psycho Shark: I suffer for you (and my own stupidity).

I thought that this would be trashy fun.  The premise is that a bunch of Busty Models from Japan come up against a giant shark.  Dumb, stupid fun.

The Movie is just them chatting, watching footage and laying around until the last 5 minutes.  It is the longest 65 minutes of your life!

6. Mummy Maniac: A terrible tease and a terrible Film.

Another Project Terrible Film and this one manages to make you think it is going to be something else.  A killer mummy?!?  Nope- a boring, chubby guy who kills women in his storage locker over and over again...and wraps the bodies up in toilet paper.

My Review is the same shots over and over again...but they are from different parts in the Film!

5. Carl J. Sukenick's Alien Beasts: It is hardly a Movie, so it just barely escapes the upper spots.

If you wanted to see what would happen if someone with friends and alot of Meth tried to make a Spy Film, this is it.  It has long pauses, long still frames, constant cuts to an old man named Abe 'watching the monitors' and more nonsense.

The drunk ramblings of a homeless man who just huffed a bag of paint to boot would be better than this!

4. The Time Machine (I Bought At A Yard Sale): Worst of the Worst was founded for this!

I had heard about this awful mess and didn't want to suffer alone.  Thanks, Bob.

Found for free on YouTube (to serve as their Resume), this Film has amazingly-bad everything.  A guy time travels...once and then finds a space ship.  The Film actually has him FORGET that he has a Time Machine!

You probably couldn't make something this bad if you tried (and people have!).

3. Good-Bye, Uncle Tom/Addio Zio Tom: I feel like I keep picking on this one...and with good reason.

Important recap- the 2 Directors of Mondo Cane (and more) were called Racists who made Fake Documentaries.  To silence their Critics, they made...a Fake Documentary about them seeing the Antebellum South.  Wait, what?!?

I got crap from a guy for covering the wrong cut, but whichever one you see, it is bad.  It is long, awful and bad.

2. Roller Gator: Why must I hurt myself so?!?

I heard about this Film in a Review of another Film. I thought- a Film about a talking/rapping purple Alligator puppet- hilarious!

The actual Film is shot on a handi-cam  (with visible shutter) and features CONSTANT GUITAR MUSIC over the whole Film.  It could be a fun train wreck of a Film if you didn't want to deafen yourself to escape the pain.

1. Actium Maximus- War of the Alien Dinosaurs: There's no topping this, right?

This one-and-done Film was seemingly-released by Troma as a joke to punish its Director.  He had clear visions for a big, futuristic world of wonder and horror.  He also only had like $20 and not enough friends to help.

It is long, bizarre and meandering.  As a final bonus, it ends on Sequel Bait!  Noooooooo!!!!

Here's to better Films from 2020 on. 

Not likely though, is it?